Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

I asked Henry to put Hart and Jessing in his guest suite downstairs. Instinct warned that it would best to keep them separated from the rest of us if we wanted to sleep in peace.

Staying at Fiona's house had been out of the question because it remained untouched. The blue house we used for office space only had nothing but office furniture and cots. No, I wanted the enforcers spoiled with enough pampering that they would leave me alone for a while.

Henry and Gale knew that was my plan when I asked to put them by the pool and spa room because that was part of their private space.

Currently, I was hiding from everyone in the greenhouse.

It was growing late, but I was still trimming my unruly wolf's bane. I'd purchased the dangerous plant to make a tranquilizer in case the demon wolves got out of hand. But they hadn't done so yet.

Instead, they were like two puppies racing and playing. I had yet to see a single instance of aggression. This was what worried me about them guarding the property. What would they do to an intruder? Wag their tails and whine at them?

Maybe I could find a mean horse for Zara to convert. That shouldn't be too hard. Would the horse keep his aggression after being turned into a pegasus? That was anyone's guess, and I had no idea. I'd seen a couple of natural pegasi from a distance, and I knew they weren't social creatures. However, my experience with genetic mutations wasn't very positive, except for the demon wolves.

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere. Are you upset over the fairies?" a sexy male voice asked me from the doorway.

I set my tiny shovel aside and pulled off my gardening gloves. "Yes, I'm upset and hiding from people. No, you don't want to know why. Or what I'm regretting not doing. Ya wouldn't like knowing what I think."

Rasmus ducked his head to clear the doorway. "Perhaps not, but I like you hurting even less. I believe this is the most obvious time when we should be sharing our true thoughts without holding back. That's what loving human couples do, is it not?"

I nodded at his summary of what should be true in a loving relationship.

If Rasmus wanted to hear the non-neutral truth of my feelings, I guess I would tell him. But he wouldn't like it.

And our disagreement could drive a wedge between us.

I'd already suffered enough over the male fairy who wanted my power. I would come to hate Ezra more than I already did if he came between me and the guardian male I'd chosen to love.

I made Rasmus come sit beside me on my little bench. "Okay. Here it is. I regret that I did not kill the fairy when I had the best of reasons to do so. He has tried to kill me twice, and I showed him mercy twice. Now, I've shown his murderous sister mercy as well. Yet neither of them would ever admit that they were in the wrong. They decided I was their enemy simply because they didn't win."

"Are you sure the situation is as hopeless as you imagine it is?"

I stared at him and nodded. "Yes, Rasmus. From their point of view, they survived me despite all odds, which translates into them being in the right because of it. They are big believers in fate and revenge. Their passions run hot and I have disrupted their plotting. I am their enemy and they do not change their minds about such things."

"But this is not their realm, and their rules don't apply here. In this realm, they need to be following your rules. Here, you are the judge of what is fair and not fair."

I shrugged. "Ya might think that would be the case. With fairies, the rules waver with the politics. There is a balance humans carefully maintain with them because our realms rely on each other. I threw it out of balance by not following the rules of this realm which justified their deaths. It doesn't matter that something kept me from following through each time. Instead of questioning their motives, they will see me as their problem and their solution will be to kill me."

"Being merciful is the default setting of your true nature, despite the bloodthirsty things you tend to say. You refuse to hurt people when you feel there is any other option available. Jack is walking proof of that. He's wronged you enough times to destroy you emotionally. I could never let him hurt you that way again without intervening. I would tell his father and insist he teach Jack the wrongness of harming you."

I stared at the guardian and blinked in shock. Did he seriously think telling Jack's guardian father on him would stop my power-hungry ex-husband from trying to retrieve the Dagda stone from my dead body? My death would be an illuminating event for Rasmus.

Jack and Ezra both wanted the stone and the rest of my powers for the same reason. They'd decided they deserved to use it more than I did. If I died today, they would become jackals who fought over my remains. Neither Jack nor Ezra believed me when I said my power was my inheritance and that only I could wield it.

Yet that is an undeniable truth , a male voice said in my head. We would serve no other but a child of The Dagda or the god himself.

I patted my chest. "Yes, I know. Quiet, please. This conversation doesn't involve ya. I'm explaining it to Rasmus."

Apologies, Aran . We will resume our own work now.

I chuckled and patted my chest again.

Then I turned to the guardian. "Killing Ezra would have been a sanctioned death, especially during the Hisser incident. But Fiona's angel—yer old supervisor—stopped me. Killing his sister would have been legitimate as well when she stabbed either of us, but Mulan stopped her at the end before I could swing my sword across her neck. My mercy was accidental in both those cases, Rasmus. The only true mercy I showed was after I thawed Ezra out. Maybe I felt guilty for using the angel's energy to save a condemned being who might not have deserved to be saved."

"You were the jiangshi's savior. Saving him was the right thing to do. You evolved his soul, and that is life-changing."

Of course, the guardian would say something like that. Rasmus never wanted me to kill anyone. I didn't enjoy doing it, but it got rid of my problems in a hurry.

I lifted a hand to stop him from lecturing me further. "Today, I found out Ezra has two more royal fairy siblings who might come after me. Wiping out that generation would be a waste of life. Worse than that, that fairy female is the royal who is supposed to be guarding humans from fairy shenanigans. Now that I know who she is, I can't kill her, even though it might cost me my life and the lives of those who know me."

The guardian just looked at me. I'd seen that look before. He was thinking of how to convince me I was wrong.

"Showing mercy has not served me well, Rasmus. Conn tried to teach me that my entire life. I think I have finally learned that lesson."

Rasmus sighed and put an arm around me to pull me close. "There is always a way," he said. "The question is whether or not we can find it in time."

I thought of Mulan and the baby she carried. What if something happened to them?

I closed my eyes as I spoke. "As much as you and I have argued, ya know I am not above seeking revenge. I'm not perfect, nor even particularly good. And I don't think I've ever pretended to be for anyone's sake. I tear misbehaving demons apart for a living, Rasmus. That's my true calling. This Shadow Breakers stuff is simply what pays the bills."

Rasmus nodded and then smiled at me. I could feel the lecture coming, but I wasn't prepared for the parable, so I ended up listening.

"You lied to Jack for many years, but you did so for the best of reasons. The man you loved betrayed you, and you feared he would betray your child as well. Intentions count more than humans realize. When you follow them, they shape your reality."

I snorted and then laughed dryly. Not because Rasmus wasn't right—I agreed with him—but because talking to Rasmus was like talking to Orlin.

Their otherworldly guardian ability to see all nuances of every situation was the secret to their alleged wisdom. They were like walking gods—or at least computers—seeing every tiny possibility all at once. From their multi-vantage point, they felt justifiably superior to humans. That meant their choice of those many possibilities was, of course, the best one that could be made.

Human minds had natural limitations. Some had more than others. My human mind could see a lot of nuances in most situations, but never as many as Rasmus could see. Yet I was sure I saw a good ninety percent of this one. No matter what my guardian thought I should do or think, my future decisions rested on the next one I made.

I didn't know what to do to get out of this mess without starting a fairies versus humans war. This was bigger than me not killing the fairies when I had the chance.

This was about harmony between the realms.

"Take some time to forget your problems," Rasmus said. "I find it helpful when I am thinking too hard. You are very much like me when you are trying hard to find the best solution."

"Really? Are ya saying we're equals then?" I asked just to see what he would say. It was something I asked him frequently.

"When it comes to our good intentions and having a caring heart, we are virtually twin souls in our thinking."

I smiled and took his hand. "Okay, I'm charmed with ya. Let's go to bed."

"I agree. We should remove ourselves to our quarters because the demon wolves are patrolling tonight. Dylan is training them."

"Good Goddess..." I said, hanging my head to sigh.

"Would you like me and Zara to pick out a horse for her experiment? She's become quite the equine expert this week."

"But I haven't said yes to her doing it."

"Life is going to move forward, Aran. This is the right thing to do for her and the wolves. Genetic manipulation is Zara's life's work. She is better at it than I am. The horse will not be harmed. It will be evolved."

"She's going to give it wings , Rasmus. She's going to make a flying horse. We already have to hide the demon wolves. How are we going to hide a pegasus?"

He pulled me up and we started walking. His fingers tightened around mine. "You can fashion a talisman for the horse to wear that will hide its converted form. The point of the change is not to give a normal horse wings. It is to increase the horse's sentience so it can communicate to any creature it chooses like other pegasi do. The temperament we choose will determine the converted creature's behavior."

I thought about telling him I planned to pick a mean horse, one that had a habit of kicking and biting. Maybe it would bite Zara. I think I would enjoy that.

"No, you wouldn't," Rasmus said.

"Are ya reading my mind again?"

"Not everything, but you've been broadcasting two thoughts very loudly. One is wishing you had killed Ezra. The other is about a baby. Are you wanting a baby?"

"No, and I can't have anymore. They removed too many important parts from me after Fiona was born."

"Nothing is impossible. You can be repaired. I could fix you."

Of course, he could. How very non-neutral of him. I had a choice. I could either tell Rasmus I was daydreaming or admit a truth I wasn't ready for him to know.

"It was just a thought to distract myself from how bad my luck is at the moment. Women of all ages have the occasional urge for a baby, but it passes."

"If the urge persists for you, will you tell me?"

"Yes," I said with total honesty. "But I don't think I'm up for raising a guardian baby, Rasmus. Are you interested in being a father?"

"Will you think poorly of me if I say no?" he asked.

"No, I would think we were perfectly suited to each other at this time of our lives." And I meant that with every cell of my being. "Is your lack of fatherly urges because you had to kill your nephilim children?"

Rasmus nodded. "Yes, that is partly the reason. I believe I have some long-term trauma from the event. When I think of all that is required for raising a child from scratch, I feel very tired for no logical reason. Then, I can only think about how to avoid having children. This cycle of thinking kept me celibate for centuries."

My laughter rang out through the night. "That's exactly how I feel about small children. Raising one child was all I could handle. We're of like minds about this, Rasmus."

"Just so you know, not all nephilim children died, Aran. Those that were not abnormal—that were not obviously the children of watchers—were hidden by their mothers. My brethren and I did not look hard for them. We had killed them to the point of not being able to do more. Taking a life rips away part of your soul. It was damaging for everyone involved."

"Yes, I'm sure it was," I said, squeezing his fingers with mine. "Didn't you get in trouble for not getting rid of all the hybrid children?"

"No. Numbers and results were never spoken of by anyone I knew. It is like we surrendered the fate of those children we missed to their mothers. We also secretly prayed the Creators never punished us for our actions. I understand it better now because I'm feeling the same guilt over things I do for you. I need to believe intentions matter."

It was all so sad and it made me so curious. "What kind of punishment would you have gotten for sparing their lives?"

Rasmus pondered that for a full minute before answering. "It might have been stasis for several centuries or a complete return to our light being forms, followed by banishment from the planet."

"Because normal death isn't an option for yer kind," I said in understanding.

Rasmus smiled at me with that superior yet smugly tolerant smile of his. I dreaded hearing his next words, but I'd started this conversation. It was only fair for me to listen to the lecture at the end of it.

"Death as you think of it isn't an actual option for anyone. Every being renews. Your soul has lived many human lives and died just as often. Humans never remember this about themselves. Even paranormal humans like you don't remember their former lives very often. My brethren and I are not sure why that is the case on Earth, but my original planet worked similarly. Those humans who do recall previous incarnations rarely handle it well."

Knowing who I'd been in a previous life intrigued me, but I could die happy without knowing more than I did now. I accepted death would be a transition to whatever was next for me. I didn't see it as an end. But having nearly died twice lately, all I could recall was the pain. I wanted to avoid the pain and live this life for a wee bit longer, Goddess willing.

"If I do enough damage to demons, they don't remember their previous lives when they return. But I recall ya saying guardians always remembered, no matter what happened to them."

"Yes, my people remember all lifetimes, all situations, and all we have done. It is how we were made. Our minds expand infinitely. It is the light being part of us. Light beings blend into the energy of the universe. The effort of staying separate from it takes far more energy. Holding a human form takes the most energy of all, but guardians enjoy its pleasurable benefits. I am no exception. I have waited centuries to spend this time with you."

We walked in silence the rest of the way. I didn't know what to say to his comments about light beings, so I did what I usually did when I got into conversations over my head.

I made light of it all.

"Well, come on, Mr. Light Being. I need ya to distract me from my worries. Show me how perfect yer current physical form is. I might need to inspect every detail to validate yer findings."

A chuckling Rasmus followed me to our quarters with a smile on his face. I was not coy with him. He seemed to enjoy that about me. When aroused, the man could have me naked in under twenty seconds.

I found his desire for me very validating. I felt very lucky that it matched my desire for him.

Tomorrow, I would remember the many problems I had yet to solve. Tonight, I would let the guardian remind me of one of my greatest blessings.