Chapter 34

After I boarded the other bus, I searched the cabinets and found a dusty bottle of vodka and a clean glass.

I poured myself a double, no ice, and took a long swig, the alcohol burning away the lump of anxiety that was lodged in my throat. I still couldn”t believe that my best friend had kept his feelings for me secret all those years.

Why hadn”t he said anything? What did that say about our trust?

“Ro?”

I turned to find my sister standing at the end of the hallway, her phone in her hand.

“What are you doing here?” she asked me. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is—” God, where did I start? “I had a fight with Faise, and I needed some time alone. Sorry if I woke you.”

She shook her head, and walked closer, then pointed to the glass in my hand. “I was still awake. Are you going to share that bottle of vodka or do you plan to drink it all yourself?”

Instead of replying, I reached for another glass, poured her a double as well, then passed it over. She raised her glass, and I did the same, clinking them together and muttering the word ‘cheers’.

Not that I felt like celebrating. Room temperature vodka was my consolation drink, not the kind meant for good times.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked, sipping on her drink.

“Not now.”

She nodded and took a seat on the nearby sofa. It was the same layout as the other tour bus. Only quieter. Cleaner, too.

Hey, we’re four rockstars on the road. What do you expect?

“So, you couldn’t sleep?”

Duh, Ronin. Ask the obvious question.

“Nope. I was thinking about the past few months,” she started. “Wondering why I put up with Dallas’s behavior. And the answer finally dawned on me tonight of all nights. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I was so desperate to hold on to the idea of him. Sticking it out, for better or worse. Or, in my case, just the worse part. I wasn’t going to be like Dad and up and leave someone I loved, even if he was bad for me. Nope, I’d hold on to my relationship. I could make it work. Pride. It was all about pride. And insecurity.”

I was the opposite. I never wanted to be in a relationship to begin with. But Ciara was right. Losing our dad made me wary. And guilty. He hadn’t been that involved in our life before he left, but my coming out pushed him over the edge.

Faise was right. If you leave, or you don’t get involved in the first place, you don’t get left behind.

She took another sip and sighed. “Dad’s rejection did a number on all of us. Left us with a hurt that still hasn’t quite healed. And then, the one time I let my guard down, and finally let someone in, look what happened.”

“You’ve been afraid to let anyone get close. ‘Cause when you do, you give your whole heart. Everything. And that’s scary as fuck.”

She stared at her glass, then back at me. “It is scary. But it shouldn’t be, not with the right person. Or if it is, it should be worth the risk.”

“You always see the best in people. You did the same thing with Dallas. Did he know about Dad?”

She nodded.

“I’m sure he found a way to use that against you, consciously or not. He had you convinced that you couldn’t live without him.”

“He did. For a while. Until the first time he hit me. Then I realized, in my heart, that the whole thing was so wrong. But, by that time, I was so far in, I didn’t know how to get out.”

“You came to me. You got out.”

She nodded and ran a hand through her hair. “I guess I did. Took me a while, though.”

“Not everything works itself out in a day.”

“Thank you for always being there. I probably haven’t said it often enough,” Ciara gave me a small smile. “I’m going to be okay.”

“Yes, you will.”

“And I’m happy to see you happy. And you and Faise have each other. That man loves you like crazy.”

He did. But shit, just thinking about our fight, I…

“I found out something tonight,” I confessed. “And I feel like shit. I should’ve been there for him. I mean, I was, sort of, just not in the way he needed. And I don’t know why he kept things from me.”

Ciara leaned forward, taking my hand. “I’m sure you did the best you could at the time. You’re not a mind reader.”

“I guess.”

“Aren’t you better off talking this out with him?”

My sister looked at me in a way I hadn’t seen in a long time, her blue eyes sharp and knowing. She had a way of cutting through the bullshit that I admired.

I nodded.

“Then you know what to do.” She finished the rest of her drink, handed me the glass, and nodded. “I’m heading back to bed.”

“Thanks, Ci.”

“It’s after 2 am, go get some sleep,” she called out as she headed back down the hallway.

I swallowed the rest of my drink, placed both glasses in the sink, and spread out on the sofa. Well, spread out was pushing it. It was pretty cramped for a guy my size, but I made do. I’d slept in far worse places.

No matter what, though, Faise was by my side.

Fuck, the thought of spending one night apart from him gave me a weird, painful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I reasoned it was the vodka, but my heart beating double time told me I was a fool.

I’d never sleep here. Those angry words between me and Faise would keep me up all night. So, I got up and headed for the door. When I stepped outside, Valen and Petyr were standing guard as usual.

“I’m going back to my bus.”

They nodded, and Petyr fell into line beside me, walking me over. It was a short trip, but I guess our security meant business when they said they were on high alert.

When I got to our bus, I opened the door as quietly as I could.

I climbed the stairs, and spotted Rae asleep on the couch, Faise beside him. I walked over to him, slow steps, until Faise opened his eyes.

“Ro?”

“Come on, baby, let’s go to bed.”

“Am I dreaming again?”

“No. I’m right here, real as can be.”

He rubbed his eyes, and his hair was sticking up on end. My heart clenched hard. He was the sweetest fucking thing I’d ever seen.

“Are you still angry?”

I shook my head. “We’ll talk about it in the morning. I’m sorry I ran out of here.”

Then, there was no more time for discussion. I bent over, picked him up, and carried him down to our bunk. I laid him down, and slid in beside him, pulled over the duvet, then closed the curtains.

I was still sweaty from the concert, but too exhausted to care.

Faise was in my arms. Nothing else mattered.

Faise

I woke up, confused. And hot, sweaty, and hard.

I blinked, and realized I was lying on top of Ronin. Somehow, my t-shirt was gone, and so was his, one arm slung above his head.

He came back.

I leaned down, nuzzling my face in his pec, then kissed my way over to the slope of his armpit. I inhaled his scent, rubbing my face against him. Fuck, I wanted to lick him all over. Every fucking inch.

No. Stop it. I could not let my dick distract me. We needed to talk.

“Baby?” he whispered.

I stared up at him, at the blue eyes that were home to me.

“I”m sorry I read your journal,” he whispered. “As soon as I recognized your handwriting, I should have put it away. That”s a total violation of your privacy and I get it if you”re still angry with me. But, since I did read it, I also wish you’d told me sooner. About how you felt.”

I shook my head, then kissed his chest again. “I was so raw at the time, and I wasn’t ready to face it. I told you the truth. My addiction wasn’t just about keeping my feelings for you a secret. It was a lifetime of insecurities. Of feeling like I didn’t measure up to other people’s expectations, of not being enough, and using drugs to escape my anxiety.”

Ronin bit his lower lip.

“And how would you have reacted back then if I’d told you I wanted you? I didn”t want to fuck up, not us or the band, but us most of all.”

“I can”t say for sure how I would have reacted. The only thing I know, the only thing I”ve ever been certain of, is that I love you. Friends first, and always, and now—” his voice cracked, hoarse with emotion. “Now as the man that I can”t live without. Do you understand? I love you. I’m in love with you. Not just as you were, but as you are. You’re everything to me. My one and only.”

I trembled in his arms. When he reached up to cup my face, I realized he was shaking too.

Our bodies swayed together as the bus rocked. My world rocked along with it.

“I’ve been in love with you for so long,” I confessed. “I love you so, so much.”

Fuck, finally saying the words I’d held onto for years was exhilarating.

“I can’t even explain it. It overwhelms me. I’m flying, and falling, but it’s amazing. And I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I promise, nothing goes unsaid between us. Not anymore.”

He nodded, pulling me up close, taking my lips in a kiss that echoed our words.

Did Ronin just say he loved me?

“Faise, baby, are you okay?”

He gently swiped my cheeks with his thumbs, and it was only then that I realized I was crying.

This time, happy tears.

I nodded, leaning in to whisper against his lips. “I hope the shock absorbers on this bus are brand fucking new because we are about to give them a test they’ve never seen.”

Ronin’s booming laughter woke up the entire bus.