Chapter 33

“Don’t be so fucking egotistical! My addiction is about me, not you!” I shouted.

I was so fucking furious that Ronin had read my journal without asking first. My most private, inner thoughts. The place where I spilled my guts because I could. Because it was safe. Because there was no judgement there.

“That’s not what you wrote.”

I ran a hand through my sweat-soaked hair and stared at Ronin.

“Look, the fact that my partying got out of control, and it happened around the same time that I started noticing you as more than my best friend, yeah, it was shit timing. But it’s not the reason for my addiction. I was unhappy about a lot of things. But I didn’t know how to deal with it. Express it. Read the rest of it!”

“What?”

“Go on,” I urged and pointed to the journal. “You might as well read the rest. Or I can give you a recap. You see, I also talk about my family and the pressure I felt about making it big. How I always felt secondary to Rae because I wasn’t book smart like him. And there was the fact that I was the only queer person in my family. And the pressure to be outgoing and being under the microscope of the press when we became famous… you know all this. You know me!”

Ronin was shaking his head, like he didn’t believe a word I just said.

“I thought I did. But you said it, right there, in your own words. I was the reason you started using more and more.” Ronin paced the hallway. “I… I can’t deal with this. I need to go. I need to be alone for a while.”

He walked down the hallway to the back of the bus. I stood there, unable to move an inch.

When he came back down, he had his duffle bag in hand, and headed for the door.

“Running away when things get heavy?” I snapped. “Is that it? We’re done? You’re back to fucking randos?”

“I didn’t say that! I just need some space to think. That’s all.”

“Yeah,” I scoffed. “Go. Leave. It’s fine. It’s always easier to leave than to be the one left behind, right?”

I knew I’d hit my mark when Ronin flinched. That was a low blow. But I was so angry, so hurt that he wouldn’t stay and talk to me, that I lashed out.

Ever since his dad walked out on him, he kept everyone, except his family, at arm’s length. And sometimes me too. He felt deeply, more than most, but he wasn’t comfortable with that fact. Ironically, I felt the same way.

“This is not about you,” I reiterated, pleading with him to understand.

“How can you say that? You couldn’t tell me how you felt about me, and you were so frustrated that you snorted your pain away. Don’t tell me it’s not about me!”

“Not all of it! And it’s about us!” I shouted and slapped my hand on the table.

The sound of the door opening made me jolt, and I turned to face an irate Lennie.

“What the fuck is going on here?” he asked.

Ronin shook his head, his dark hair falling into his face. “I’m staying on the other bus.”

Lennie’s face fell as he glanced between me and Ronin.

“What he said,” I replied and stalked off to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. I slid to the floor, gripping my head in my hands, the tears flowing free and hot. I kicked the shower door and then got up, turned on the water as hot as it would go and stepped inside, clothes and all.

I was shivering, despite the warmth of the water. Struggling, I stripped my wet clothes off and left them on the tile floor. Then I scrubbed myself raw and cursed myself for leaving that stupid journal where anyone could see it.

By the time I’d dried off, I was exhausted, drained. Then I realized, I’d forgotten my cell. I padded back to the living area, now dark and quiet, and picked up my phone.

Brodie: We’re in the VIP room with Remy. Where the fuck are you guys?

Ronin: Not feeling well, talk tomorrow

Faise: Yeah, sorry. I’m done. For the night.

Was Ronin done with me forever?

Holls: Lennie says you’re staying in the other bus, what’s going on Ro?

Ronin: Not now

Brodie: What the fuck is happening?

Ronin knew. I might as well tell everyone else.

Faise: Ronin learned part of the reason why I hit the coke so hard. And now we’re done. Any more questions?

I shut my phone off. I wasn’t supposed to do that. Regan would have my balls for breakfast. But fuck it. I just wanted silence.

But I couldn’t make myself walk back to my bunk. Ronin’s bunk. Not after everything we’d done in there.

Fuck, Ronin had the right idea. I wanted to get off this goddamn bus. Unfortunately, there was nowhere else for me to go. So, instead of sleeping on my bunk, I grabbed a blanket and stretched out on the sofa. Not that sleep would come anytime soon.

Guilt ate away at me. Should I have told him when I came out of rehab? My therapist had urged me to confront my feelings about Ronin, but even then, I couldn’t do it. The idea of losing my best friend trumped my need to come clean about all the reasons why I was using in the first place.

Fuck, would Ronin ever trust me again? Or would things never be the same? And why was I so torn up? He was the one who’d violated my privacy.

I heard the door of the bus open again, but I didn”t open my eyes and I didn”t move. I didn”t want to talk to anyone. It was only when a gentle hand touched my head, that I opened my eyes to find my brother standing there.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I passed Lennie on the way to the bus. He told me you and Ronin had a fight. What happened?”

I covered my face, pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

“Ronin picked up my journal by accident. There were things in there that I wrote when I was going through the worst of my addiction. The stuff I was feeling about him but couldn”t tell him. He was shocked, angry, and horrified that he could be… a part of the reason why I couldn”t stop using.”

“You never told him how you felt?”

I shook my head, sitting up.

“In time, it would have happened. But ever since he and I became lovers, I just couldn’t. How could I talk about that? I don’t want to relive the past. Fuck, I almost lost everything, including my life. I don’t want to go back there. It’s done. I want to forget about it and move on.”

Rae sat down beside me and sighed.

“But you can’t. And you and I are so fucking alike in this way, bro. Instead of talking shit out, like me telling my wife I was unhappy or telling our parents that I was broke, it was easier to numb myself. Ronin’s in shock. You guys are so close and share everything. If I were him, I’d be upset finding out shit like that, too. I know these conversations are hard, but like you once told me, you have to do it.”

“What if he won’t talk to me? What if he?—”

I was trembling hard, and Rae put his arm around my shoulder.

“He will. It’s Ronin. Just give him a few days to wrap his head around what he read. Then, talk it out. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Tell him you love him. And show him. I know it’s scary as fuck, but he needs to hear the words.”

I nodded, blinking away more tears.

“I know,” I whispered as I wiped my eyes.

“You want to watch a movie with me?”

I nodded, thankful and grateful that Rae was here. And as always, his big brother wisdom was right.

Both me and Ronin needed time to sort through all this.

An hour later, and halfway through the movie, I glanced at my phone. It was just after 2 am. Rae was asleep on the sofa beside me. Van, Brodie, and Holls finally joined us on the bus.

“I’m fine,” I replied before anyone could ask. “And don’t worry. We’ll work it out.”

“You better,” Brodie smiled at me. “‘Cause we love both of you.”

“Aw, Dee,” Holls gushed, grabbed our frontman, and gave him a loud, smacking kiss on the cheek.

“Ew, gross. I said them, not you,” Brodie snorted and pushed him away.

Holls smacked Brodie on the shoulder, while Van shook his head at our ridiculous antics.

“You sure you’re okay?” Van asked as he glanced at me.

I nodded in response.

Van started down the hallway. “I’m going to get ready for bed.”

“I’ll be right behind you, honey,” Brodie whispered, his eyes locked on Van’s ass.

“Thank fuck I’m sleeping out here,” I grumbled.

“I’ll keep you company for a bit,” Holls offered, and sat down across from me.

Rae was still snoring away, sound asleep.

“Thanks.”

Brodie sat down, too, and leaned in, gripping my knee. “How come you never told him?”

“What do you mean?”

“Faise.” Brodie shook his head. “We were there. We witnessed your drug use going out of control. And every time we’d be out, and you saw Ronin with a guy, you hit it hard. It wasn’t difficult to figure out why you were struggling. I’m not saying your addiction was all him, but your feelings for him played into it.”

“I’m not denying that. But it’s not the whole story,” I replied. “And he didn’t see it. And I could never say. I mean, for what purpose? To ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had? And once we started, you know?—”

“Fucking,” Holls offered.

“Yes, fucking,” I sighed. “I didn”t want him to know. Now he pities me. ‘Poor Faise, he wanted me all these years and never said, and screwed himself over’. Yeah, that’s attractive.”

“This is Ronin we’re talking about. He looks at you like you’re the fucking sun and the moon and the stars. All of it. I don’t think there’s anything you could do or say that would change how he feels about you,” Holls replied in a serious tone. “And take it from me, you can fight all you want, but your feelings win out in the end. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to run from Dawson, something called me back. And if you want Ro, if you love him, if you trust him, you gotta be open. About everything.”

I stared at Holls like I’d never seen him before. Brodie gave me the same look.

“Who are you right now?”

Holls stuck out his tongue.

“Oh, thank fuck, you’re still in there,” I teased and then reached for his shoulder, squeezing it.

“And thanks. You’re right.”

“I never get tired of hearing that,” Holls teased and leaned back. “But I’m tired. I’m gonna hit my bunk. You sure you’re all right?”

“I’ll be okay.” I nodded.

Brodie got up too. “Don’t worry. He’ll be back.”

Once my friends were gone, I closed my eyes, knowing in my gut that Brodie was right.

And finally, sleep came.