Chapter 20

Ialways knew my addiction would come back to bite me on the ass.

Not the good kind.

Just the thought of those rumors that I’d gone off the rails and hurt my best friend and his sister made my stomach heave. Bad enough they’d been assaulted, but now this? Jesus Christ.

Celebrity life had its upsides, but this part, having your worst moments splashed across entertainment news, this was a shitload to deal with. People could say anything they wanted about you, throw accusations, and insults out like it was nothing.

As much as I avoided socials, I was just like everyone else. I wanted to know what was happening in the world. And I wanted to be a part of it.

But now? Now I wanted to hide, and I wasn’t sure when, or if, I ever wanted to be back out there again.

Of course, Averell had to call. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, him least of all.

I just wanted to forget last night ever happened, so I told Averell I was fine and that was that. My tone was abrupt, and he didn’t push. Which I appreciated. Hooking up with him would’ve been a mistake anyway. A last-ditch attempt to get over Ronin. Which was ridiculous. I was never getting over him.

And now I didn’t need to. Ro wouldn’t change his mind about us after that kiss, would he? Okay, it was more than one kiss.

Just thinking about the two of us in his shower had my blood running so hot I swore I had a fever. I wasn’t ill, but I was feeling out of sorts.

My entire world had shifted, and I didn’t know where to find my footing.

I wasn’t all hearts and flowers and my life is suddenly perfect this morning. The doubts that swirled in my mind were never far from the surface, always teasing me that I wasn’t good enough. Not even for my best friend. And of course, when the doubts surfaced, so too did my desire to get high.

Addiction cravings came in waves and starts, and the wave was cresting high today.

Reaching out to my therapist was necessary. For Ciara, for Ronin, and for me. I had a sore face from last night, but I hardly felt the pain at all. It was the shock of seeing my best friend and his sister being attacked that still reverberating through my body.

If I’d lost Ronin…

I couldn’t imagine that. Or, if I did, it wasn’t good. And it made me question how I would cope. My therapist had suggested to me that being so close to Ronin, for so long, could be a path to co-dependency. But I never saw me and him that way. What was wrong about sharing so much? I’d never questioned if our bond was healthy or not. For the most part, we were thriving. Always me and Ro.

But what if this change wasn’t? What if being lovers brought us down?

I loved Ronin, no question, no doubt. Just like the air I breathed every single day, he was necessary to me.

But what kind of love did he need? He’d always been happy being friends, nothing more. Was he really all in with being my lover now or was he just reacting to the shock of last night? He said he was jealous, but maybe that was just a reaction to me pulling away lately. To the idea of having to share his best friend with anyone else.

So many questions floated around in my mind, buzzing around like white noise.

I was tempted to reach for my emergency anxiety meds, but I didn’t want to start down that road. A road that led nowhere good. I only had a few pills, but still. Numbing myself wouldn’t help matters. I knew myself. I’d just want more. To not worry, to not feel at all.

I couldn’t have that now. I needed to feel everything.

I so wanted to stay here with Ro but part of me was tempted to head home and isolate. To sit at my kit and drum my frustration and insecurities away. The one thing I always understood was music. And when I played, I never had to ask myself the tough questions.

I just… was.

Doing something, anything, to keep busy was always helpful to my state of mind.

Once Zoe and Elias left, I headed for the kitchen and started making breakfast. I wasn’t a great cook by any means, but my mom made sure I learned the basics.

“After we eat, Len can take you home to grab more of your stuff,” Ronin stated as he sat at one of the bar stools around the island, watching me.

I’d cooked in his kitchen so many times, and yet today, I was nervous like I never was. I felt Ronin’s stare on me and not in the usual way.

Opening the cabinets, I reached for a frypan, but it nearly slipped out of my hand.

Then I knocked over my cup of coffee. And I burnt the toast.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed as I tried to focus, but couldn’t.

“If you want to stay here, I mean?—”

“You heard what Zoe said.”

“Yeah, but I only want you to stay if you want to. You can take one of the guest rooms if that’s what you prefer.”

I nodded, avoiding Ro’s eyes. I was raw, needy, and vulnerable. I wanted to believe that he could be mine, in all the ways I wanted, but he hadn’t touched me since we’d left his bedroom and now he was suggesting I stay in another room? I was confused. He was always in my personal space and now he was giving me more of it? What the hell?

But I didn’t have time to reply to his comment because Brodie and Holls had arrived.

They joined us in the kitchen and gave us each hugs. After we’d assured our friends that we were okay, the guys sat down around the island, while I continued to work on breakfast. Such as it was. Burnt toast and scrambled eggs. Ronin had a shit ton of prepared meals in the freezer, but I hated microwaving anything, eggs least of all.

I stood at the stove, stirring and stirring, my mind whirling, until I realized that the toast wasn’t the only thing burning.

“Shit!”

“You okay there, Faise?” Brodie asked.

“Fine, I’m fine.”

I dumped the eggs into the garbage and started over.

“I can’t believe that asshole is claiming you guys attacked him. What the actual hell?” Holls commented. “You better sue that motherfucker.”

“Elias is already working on it.”

“Can we talk about something else?” I asked. “Please. Anything.”

“How about we work on some new songs today. Rock out the stress. Ro?”

“Yeah, I’m all for that,” he replied as he sipped on his coffee. “Let’s check out our new studio. Jesse told me the setup is state of the art.”

“Sure, or we can jam at my place,” Brodie offered. “Wherever you feel most comfortable.”

“I’d like to see the studio,” I added. “Plug and play and forget about the last twenty-four hours.”

Ronin’s cup fell out of his hand, and it crashed onto the counter, coffee spilling everywhere.

“I mean, I want to forget about last night,” I corrected as I handed him paper towels to clean up. I finally met his gaze, while my heart pounded out of control. “Not this morning.”

“What happened this morning?” Brodie asked, glancing between the two of us with sharp eyes.

“Nothing,” Ro and I answered at the same time.

I turned back to my cooking with shaky hands. I grabbed more eggs, cracked them into the bowl, and whisked, adding cheese, grated onion, salt, and cumin. Then I poured the whole thing in the heated pan and carefully, this time, stirred until it was set.

I plated up the food and we all dug in.

“Are you sure about that?” Brodie suggested as he stuffed in a mouthful of eggs. “You two are acting weird.”

“What?” Ronin’s voice cracked and I bit back a laugh. “No, we’re not.”

“We’ve been here ten minutes already, and you’ve yet to touch Faise,” Holls added. “Something is off.”

“Everything’s fine. Normal. Like it always is,” Ronin assured them.

It was anything but.

Instead of sitting beside the guys, I stood facing them and scarfed down my breakfast. A quiet tension filled the room, as everyone ate. Well, Ro and I ate. Brodie and Holls shoved in bites of food in between staring at us. Then Brodie took his fork and gently poked Ronin in the arm.

“Dee, what the fuck!”

“Just checking to make sure it’s really you and not some cyborg version of my friend.”

“Well don’t!”

I glanced at Ronin and sighed. “Tell them.”

Ronin’s mouth fell open, but no words came out. I was shaking so hard, I dropped my fork and it tumbled unto the floor.

“God, I need more coffee for this conversation.” I turned around and bent over to pick up the utensil.

“Holy shit!”

I whirled around at the sound of Brodie’s voice.

“What?”

Ronin’s face was flushed, but he was staring at his plate.

“Ronin was eyeing up your ass like it was breakfast. Does this mean you two finally—” Brodie paused and mimed jerking off.

Holls sat there with his fork halfway to his mouth, eyes wide, waiting for our answer.

Instead of replying, I walked around the island. My legs were wobbly, my hands cold, but my heart? It was so fucking full when I looked at Ronin. He turned without pause, opening his arms to me.

Fuck everything else going in my head. The worries, the angst, the doubt. Nothing was right without Ronin.

I slid into Ronin’s arms and kissed him.

“Does that answer your question?” Ronin whispered when we came up for air.

Mine? Yes.

Our band brothers? Hell no.