Chapter 11

My experience dating Dean—if you could call it that since it only lasted five weeks—left me convinced that I was not cut out for a relationship.

He was charming and the sex was great, but my heart wasn’t in it. How could it be when it already belonged to someone else? I put that experience behind me, acting like it never even happened. Frustration turned to acceptance. Of a sort.

Then I had no time to worry about my feelings. Not about my unsuccessful attempt at a relationship and not about Ro. There was my family to consider. Even though my brother and I had walked different paths, we always stayed in touch by text and via calls. But lately, he stopped replying, and a gnawing ache in my gut told me that something wasn’t right.

I had a week off before me and the guys were headed to NOLA for a charity concert on Halloween. While I was getting my shit ready for our trip, my mom called.

I hesitated to answer it.

Things were tense between us since I’d come out of rehab. Not that my family didn’t love me, but they worried, and they wanted me to get out of the rock n roll business and into something more stable. It didn’t matter where I worked. The temptation would always be there. An addict will find a way to get what they want, no matter where they live or work. I explained this to my mom, but I don’t think she or my dad fully understood the nature of my illness.

Finally, on the fifth ring, I answered. “Hey Mom, what’s up?”

“Rae’s in the hospital.”

“What? What happened?”

“The doctor said he,” she paused, sobbing. “He overdosed.”

I sat down on my bed, my legs numb, my heart beating wildly. No way. Not Rae. He’d never.

“But how?—”

“I went over to visit him last night because he wouldn’t return my phone calls. When he didn’t answer, I used the spare key and found him lying in his bathroom,” she choked out. “Hannah left him months ago. All her stuff is gone. There was hardly anything left in the condo. Everything is a mess.”

“I’m heading home.”

I didn’t think twice. I didn’t even text the guys. No point saying anything until I knew for sure what was going on.

The only person I told was our security lead, Regan, because if I didn’t, she’d have reamed me out. That evening, with her in tow as my bodyguard, and after jumping on the quickest available flight, I found myself back in Rhode Island. I went to the hospital first and met my parents there.

“How is he?” I asked as I walked up and gave them each a hug.

“He’s awake. Can you talk to him? He doesn’t want to see us,” my mom cried, and Dad pulled her into his arms.

I understood. The shame and the guilt of being an addict can weigh as heavy as the addiction itself. I gave my parents a reassuring squeeze and let go. Without pause, I entered Rae’s room, Regan waiting at a distance. My brother’s pallor was grey, and he had lost so much weight I hardly recognized him.

It was scary, because looking at him now was like looking at myself.

As I stepped closer, I spotted the track marks on his arms. And the angry red scabs, old and new, that littered his body, his face.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He blinked and finally opened his eyes. They were bloodshot, weary, so unlike my brother that it knocked the remaining breath right out of me.

“Hey big brother. It’s been a while,” I stated, sitting down in a chair by his bedside.

His eyes welled up, but he shook his head. “Go away.”

“No.”

“Faise—” he warned.

“Me of all people? Come on, Rae. Talk to me. What the fuck happened?”

He barked out a laugh. “Don’t make me laugh.”

“What?”

“Talk to me? You?”

“Okay, so I’m not the best at communicating?—”

Rae scoffed.

“—but I’ve been here myself, remember? How the hell did this happen?”

He let out a shaky sigh.

“Hannah left. I lost my job at the firm thanks to downsizing, and I couldn’t find another one. Well, one that paid as much. Money was tight. We were spending more than we were taking in. And when I finally confronted her and said we’d need to cut back, that’s when she told me she was having an affair. She’s taken up with some other guy. Rich as fuck. Just like that, she left me. So much for sticking it out for better or worse.”

“Fuck, Rae, I’m so sorry.”

“After she left five months ago, I started going out a lot. Dive bars, strip clubs. Anything to forget,” he whispered, his voice raw. “I started partying with people I met there. At first, it was just booze and pot, and a few pills to get high. Then I needed more. Everything was getting worse. My depression. My money problems. I got another job, at half the pay, but I was staying out all hours and I couldn’t get up in the mornings. Lost that job too.”

He coughed and cleared his throat. There was a glass of water on the table beside him, so I grabbed it and held it up to his lips.

“Thanks,” he whispered. “Fuck, my life is a total mess.”

Guilt hit me hard and fast. “I wish I’d have reached out more often, maybe I could’ve?—”

“I didn’t want to say anything. To let you down. I’m the one who’s supposed to have it together, to look after you,” he let out a sigh. “Not that I did a great job of that either.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing.”

I touched his arm. The one that didn’t have an IV attached.

“Rae?”

“When we were growing up, you were bullied. And because we went to different schools, I couldn’t help you,” he bit his lower lip. “Thank fuck for Ronin. How is he, by the way?”

“He’s fine,” I bit out.

I didn’t want to talk about Ronin at all.

Rae’s eyes narrowed. “Something happen between you two?”

I shook my head quickly. “Nope.”

My love life—or lack thereof—was the least of my worries.

“Are Mom and Dad still here?”

I nodded. “They want to see you.”

“No. I can’t face them. Not after what I’ve done. I just can’t.”

“They love you.”

“They love the successful version of me,” he spat out. “My MBA, my job, my perfect wife. Not this. A heroin junkie.”

“They just want you to be okay. And speaking of that, remember that rehab centre in California I went to? I’ll make a call.”

Rae reached out and grabbed my wrist, holding tight. “I don’t know if I can do it, Faise.”

“I’ll fly out there with you and everything. Trust me?”

Rae’s wan smile had tears welling up in my eyes.

“My little brother is all grown up. And taking care of me. Fuck, how did that happen?”

“Life happens. And we take care of each other,” I replied and squeezed his hand tight. “I swear I’m going to do better. To reach out more. And you have a chance to get sober and rebuild your life. It’s not easy, but I know you. You can do it.”

Rae let out a shaky breath and wiped his eyes.

“Okay.”

“And let Mom and Dad see you. They’re scared out of their minds.”

Rae nodded and I slowly let go of his hand.

“Will you stay with me today?”

“As long as you need. Let me go get Mom and Dad first.”

I got up and headed for the door. By the time I spotted my parents, I was shaking all over.

“He’s ready to see you. Just—” I paused, unsure if I should say anything.

I respected my parents, but I also wanted to protect Rae.

“Just don’t start asking him a lot of questions, okay? He’s sick. If he wants to talk, let him. But you can’t push. Not at this stage. He’s fragile. Answers will come when he’s got the strength to give them.”

My mom nodded while my dad pulled me in and hugged me so tight, I couldn’t breathe. I’d never heard him cry before but he started sobbing into my shoulder. For the first time in my life, I was the one comforting him. Mom grabbed onto me too.

Once they’d calmed, they headed in to see Rae. I got on the phone and arranged his rehab.

Two days later, me, Rae, and Regan were booked on a private jet to California.

Ronin had been texting me, but I just said I was visiting my folks last minute.

I would tell the guys everything about Rae, in person, in private, when I was ready.

But of course, I felt guilty about not telling Ro. It was physically painful for me to keep shit from him. Just like my experiment with Dean, I kept pulling away, protecting myself, but in the end, I was still hurting.

But I kept reminding myself that there were other, more important things than my stupid heartache.

After I got Rae settled into rehab, I flew back to Nashville to get my shit ready for our next show. Dealing with Rae’s financial mess would have to wait for another week. His condo mortgage was in arrears and Hannah’s lawyer had sent a follow up email regarding the splitting of their assets. Not that there was much to split anymore. I contacted my lawyer and we decided to offer Hannah a settlement, in Rae’s name, but it would have conditions. No more contact with Rae, no further requests for spousal support, and she would have to sign an NDA.

By the time I packed up to head out on the road again, to the charity concert in NOLA, I was exhausted, physically, and mentally. And a right pain in the ass to everyone who tried to come near me.

The night we headed out of town, on our tour bus, I got in my usual bunk, and the guys were in theirs. Ro was underneath me, with Brodie and Holls across the aisle.

Tired but wired, my mind was running in ten different directions. I couldn’t sleep. I could hear Van and Brodie arguing—yet again—but I was too tired to get up and say anything.

“You awake, boo?” Ronin asked me, like he could read my mind.

I pushed the curtain aside and leaned over my bunk to look down at him.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“Come here,” he murmured as he crooked his finger at me.

Oh God, Ronin wanted to cuddle. He was always like this, especially on the road for some reason, but we hadn’t done that in a while. I wanted to say no. But if I refused, he’d know for sure that something was up. The questions would start.

So, against my brain’s better judgement, I slid off my bunk and into his.

Ro wasted no time wrapping me up tight against his bigger body. I finally felt the stress of the past week ease out of me, one shaky breath at a time.

Fuck, I’d missed this. Missed him.

I was surrounded by his heady scent, and those incredible arms of his that were the stuff of my secret fantasies. Big biceps, veiny forearms covered in dark hair and tattoos, a strong, callused grip… and fuck I needed to think about something, anything else, to calm my excited dick.

He gently kissed the top of my head, and to my complete horror, my eyes started welling up.

That was new. Not the kiss, but my reaction.

Words I wanted to say were trapped in my throat. So, I did what guys always do when they don’t want to deal with something. I made a joke.

“You smell like funky cheese.”

His boisterous laughter vibrated through my body.

“Well, I found an old cheeseburger wrapper in my bunk from our last trip. I guess the air freshener wasn’t strong enough to get rid of the odor.”

“Gross. That was months ago.”

“Tell me about it. How could our cleaning crew miss it?”

“Was it hiding under your mattress? That’s where you stash all your garbage. And sex toys,” I snorted. “Maybe that’s the source of the smell. You gotta clean the dildo occasionally. You don’t want to get an infection.”

“So funny,” he chuckled and reached down to pinch my ass.

I jolted, my semi turning to a raging hard on. Shit. I tilted my hips back and tried to shuffle away from him. Without falling out of the bunk, of course. But there was no room to move, so I flipped over, my back was to his front.

“This is nice. Feels like old times,” he whispered.

“Old times? What are we? Ninety?” I laughed. “And it hasn’t been that long.”

“Yes, it has. I’ve missed you, boo.”

My heart was in my throat again.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

“Are you—” he started, and his body tensed. “Have you been, you know, seeing anyone, like, lately?”

I glanced over my shoulder, his face barely visible in the darkness. “No. I told you, I’m not doing that again. I’m not cut out for that shit.”

“Okay. Cause you’ve been almost silent the past week. I thought maybe?—”

“Nope. It was something else. Family stuff,” I rested my head against his bicep. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Right now, we need sleep.”

“Yes, sir,” Ronin replied.

His arms tightened around me. If this was the only way I was going to get Ro, I was gonna shut up and take it.

“Hug me tighter.”