Chapter 10

“Are you ready to talk about him?”

I ignored the question, or rather, I was mulling it over.

Sitting across from my therapist, Kenzie, I stared out the window at the dark clouds that hung over Nashville.

They suited my mood perfectly.

My inclination was to answer her question with a ‘no’. But after two stints in rehab and coming out a clearer, stronger version of myself, I knew that it was time for me deal with one of the issues that had brought me to the brink. The feelings that made me want to numb myself, to forget that I felt anything at all.

But I didn’t know if I could do it. I was brave in other ways, much more than when I was younger, but not in this.

“It’s just the strangest thing,” I replied, finally looking at her.

“What is?”

“It makes me uncomfortable to talk about him. With you. When he’s not here,” I explained. “I mean, he’s been my best friend for two decades. What do you want me to say?”

“Whatever it is that you’re holding on to.”

I shook my head, reactive as always to the thought of revealing myself.

“We’ve tackled everything else in your life—your family, friends, your work,” she paused. “But not Ronin. Even at rehab, according to the notes I received, you refused to talk about him.”

“We’ll be here forever if you want to open that box.”

She nodded. “You’ve mentioned before that you find it difficult to express your deepest feelings out loud.”

“I do.”

“And what comes to mind when you think of Ronin?”

Everything.

“If it helps, use music as an analogy to describe him.”

“Booming,” I laughed and some of the tension in my stomach eased. “He’s a big guy, with a big voice, and his bass playing is the same. Loud. But he’s such a teddy bear inside. Always protective of me, his family, and the guys.”

The more I talked, the bigger the lump in my throat.

“He makes me laugh like no one else and he kicks my ass at video games. Says he doesn’t know how to write a song, but I’ve seen his poetry. It’s beautiful. He keeps a journal… shit, I shouldn’t be repeating that. No one else but me knows.”

“It’s safe with me,” Kenzie reassured me.

I nodded.

“I’ve never doubted that he cares about me. There’s always words of encouragement, rib-crushing hugs, and sometimes, slaps on the ass,” I quipped, shrugging my shoulders. “He’s very touchy-feely with people he’s close to. And he’s a major flirt.”

“Does that bother you?”

“The touching?”

“The flirting.”

I shook my head. “No. He does it with everyone.”

“Does he have a partner or partners?”

“Like me, Ro doesn’t do relationships. Just casual sex. Not that I keep tabs or anything. Or that we watch each other. Not anymore.”

“And by ‘watch’ you mean?”

“Voyeurism,” I blurted out.

“And how did you feel when you watched him having sex with someone else?”

At first, turned on. Then, later, irritated. Frustrated. Angry. Jealous as fuck.

“It was hot. At first.”

“If you went to see him now and he was with one of his lovers, how would that make you feel?”

I shook my head.

“Faisel?”

I leaned forward and gripped my hands together tightly, the calluses scratching my knuckles.

“I just can’t jeopardize twenty years of friendship because my dick wants his attention.”

I was incredibly relieved and anxious about voicing how I felt.

Kenzie gave me a small smile. “It sounds like it’s more complicated than that.”

“Is it? Because if it’s not about sex, then I don’t have a clue.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

No.But I didn’t want to go there.

“I think it’s about more than sex and that’s why you’re struggling. No doubt sexual desire on its own can be powerful and lead to intense feelings. But you and Ronin have been friends for a long time. There’s a lot more involved than just pheromones.”

My chest was suddenly tight.

“I didn’t always feel this way. Before, watching him was like watching Holls or Brodie. It was sexy but that’s all. Nothing more.”

“When did you notice him differently?”

I let out a big sigh. “Before we became famous. A few years ago.”

“And you never told him?”

“Hell no. There was no point. Like I said, I’m not risking our friendship for a fuck.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

I jolted. Love was not a word I used, or thought about, or said, lightly.

“Nope. Never had more than a two-night stand. I have no need for a boyfriend or a relationship. Not with my schedule. And now my addiction. I don’t think I could handle it.”

“And Ronin?”

“He’s the same.”

Kenzie stared at me intently. “Other than concerns about your addiction, why are you so certain that you’ll never have a need for an intimate relationship?”

“No lover will ever be more important to me than him.”

And there it was. As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized what that meant.

Had I ever been in love?

I think I’d already been there. But I refused to admit it.

“No. No fucking way. I can’t…. No.” I stood up and paced the room. “He doesn’t see me that way and telling him how I feel will ruin everything.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I know him. He’s not shy about letting people know how he feels. If he did want me, he’d have told me by now,” I reasoned. “No. I can’t. And I’m not losing him. I’m just going to have to find a way to get over these feelings. I can work on that, right?”

Kenzie glanced at her watch and then back at me. “Unfortunately, we’re out of time for today. See you next week?”

I’d be there.

Six Months Later

Ronin

Faise was ignoring my calls and texts. Again.

A few weeks ago, he claimed he was sick and wanted to be alone. But after three more weeks of barely any communication, outside of our recording sessions, it was obvious to me that he was lying. He was avoiding me.

And it hurt.

Fed up with his silent routine, I grabbed my keys and headed for my car. We lived a short drive from each other but lately, even that felt like a huge distance between us.

He wouldn’t be using again, would he? No. Don’t go there.

I paid attention in the recording studio when we were working, and he’d been his usual self. Quiet but giving it his all.

When I pulled up to his property, I entered the code, and the gates opened. But there was a car there I didn’t recognize. Maybe Van? Or one of our security team? I parked my car and stepped out, stalking up to the front door and banging on it with my fist.

No answer. Again.

Then I texted him.

Ronin: I’m here. You don’t answer in five and I’m using my key.

Faise: I’m busy. Come back in a few days.

A few days?

Ronin: Busy? With what?

That was bullshit. He was never too busy to see me.

Faise: I’ve got company and I don’t want to be disturbed.

I was worried sick about him, and he was getting off? And what the fuck did he mean by a few days? Was he seeing someone?

Ronin: Sorry to interrupt your afternoon blowjob, but I thought something was wrong. You keep avoiding my calls and texts.

Faise: We’re cool. But maybe it’s time we start doing our own thing, yeah? We don’t always have to be in other’s back pocket. I’m seeing someone. He’s a great guy. But we need our privacy. Try to understand.

Understand? Faise had a boyfriend? Since when? How? And he needed space? From me?

For a moment, my stomach heaved, and I swore I was going to throw up. Right there on Faise’s front steps.

Ronin: I don’t know what’s going on with you, but we’re not done with this.

Faise: Later

“Fuck!” I yelled out.

I had to a mind to use the key anyway, but I didn’t. Instead, I got back in my car. Tapping on speakerphone, I dialled Brodie.

“Hey Ro, what’s up?”

“Can I come over?”

“Sure, everything okay?”

“No,” I paused, my throat closing over. “It’s not okay. It’s Faise.”

“Shit, what happened?”

“I don’t know. I’ll be there shortly.”

I pulled out of Faise’s driveway, hitting the accelerator hard.

When I arrived ten minutes later at Brodie’s, he welcomed me inside.

“I hope I’m not interrupting—” I started.

“No way.” Brodie replied as he started walking towards his living room. “I always have time for you. Is Faise all right?”

I shook my head and leaned against the doorjamb.

“He wouldn’t let me in the house. Said he’s seeing someone. And he won’t take my calls or texts. This past month has been—” I paused, completely out of breath. “He told me we shouldn’t spend so much time together.”

“What?” Brodie stopped short and turned around to face me.

He looked as shocked as I felt.

“Do you think he’s using and trying to hide it?” he asked.

I walked over and sat down on the sofa, staring out the window. “No, I don’t think so. He looked fine the last time we were in the studio. Why? Have you noticed anything?”

“No. He seems quieter, maybe, but there’s been no mood swings, not like before.” Brodie joined me and sat down. “And he claims he’s seeing someone? Since when?”

I nodded, feeling like I might throw up again.

“A few weeks. Why wouldn’t he tell me before today? We don’t keep shit like that from each other. He’s never—” I started, my hands shaking. “What if he meant what he said? I can’t lose him, Dee.”

“Hey, you’re not gonna lose him. It’s Faise. He’d never do that to you.”

“He’s doing it now.”

I couldn’t even believe it.

Brodie sighed and ran a hand through his dark curls. “I’ll go over and see him tomorrow. Maybe he’ll talk to me. Or Holls. It’s worth a shot.”

“Thanks.”

“You want a drink?” Brodie asked. “I know I could use one.”

“You? What’s up with you?”

“Nothing. Just another disagreement with Van.”

“Anything the rest of us should be concerned about?”

“Nope.” He looked away and bit his lower lip. “I’ll figure it out.”

“Do you mind if I stay here for a bit? Crash? I don’t want to go home,” I confessed.

“’Course. Let’s have a drink and watch mindless reality TV shows.”

His phone buzzed and he glanced at it. “It’s Holls. He’s on his way over.”

Ten minutes later, the doorbell rang.

“That was fast.”

Brodie got up and glanced at the security monitor. “It’s not Holls. It’s Faise. And he’s not alone.”

My body locked up tight, tense as fuck. I stayed in the living room, listening to Brodie greet Faise and whoever it was. I didn’t recognize the third voice and I started to sweat. I wished to hell I’d already had a second drink.

“Come on in. Me and Ro were just having a few drinks, chilling. Holls is on his way.”

“We’ll stay for a bit, but not long. Is that okay, Dean?”

We? Dean?

Brodie stepped into the room and gave me a warning glare. I stood up, wiping my clammy hands on my jeans.

“Hey, Ro,” Faise greeted me like everything was normal. “Sorry about earlier. Dean and I were?—”

“I get it,” I snapped, glancing at the man beside him.

Dean was pretty. If you liked hot guys with big muscles, dark hair, and blue eyes. Instead of telling the guy to get the fuck gone, I put on a good act.

“Ronin Stadler, nice to meet you.”

I offered my hand. Against my better judgement. He took it and I squeezed tight, until he winced, and I dropped his hand like I’d been poisoned.

“Dean Ralston. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Really?” I bit out. “I’ve heard nothing about you.”

Dean flushed and glanced at Faise, who slid his arm around Dean’s waist. I bit down on my inner cheek so hard I tasted blood.

“Well, you can get to know him now,” Faise offered.

“How about a drink?” Brodie asked. “Bourbon? Tequila? Beer?”

“Yes,” I replied at the same time as Faise.

“Just water for me, thanks,” Dean commented with a grimace. “I don’t drink at all. It fucks with your sleep and your stomach. You really should limit yourself. Given the hours you work and all your travel, your sleep is already compromised. Alcohol won’t help.”

“Dean’s a holistic nutritionist.” Faise smiled at him.

“Naturopath,” Dean corrected.

“Sorry,” Faise laughed but it sounded forced. “I keep getting that wrong.”

Wrong was an understatement. I glanced at my best friend, and something was way off. He didn’t date. And he wasn’t gaga over some guy. Any guy. His fake laugh alone had all the warning sounds in my head thrumming louder than my bass line.

I turned to Faise. “Can I talk to you for a sec? In private?”

“Sure.”

He turned to Dean and kissed him.

All the air left my lungs. I wanted to ram my fist into the nearest wall. Or into Dean’s smug fucking face.

“How’s that drink coming?” I reminded Brodie, who was staring at Faise like he’d never seen him before.

You and me both, Dee.

“Uh, yeah.” Brodie shook his head. “Dean, come join me. You can look through my fridge and tell me what I’m eating wrong.”

“If you want a consultation, you’ll need to book a?—”

The rest of Dean’s annoying words faded away as he made his way down the hallway with Brodie.

“What the fuck is going on?” I growled.

“I’m dating. Just like I told you. He’s great.”

I scoffed. “You don’t date.”

“I guess I do now.”

“Why? A few months ago, you didn’t even want to leave the house. Now you’re playing it with that guy?”

Faise shrugged. “When I’m not working, I go stir crazy all alone. And I need more than jamming and playing video games. It’s time to grow up. I want more than a hook up. And being your eternal wingman.”

I stepped back like I’d been slapped.

“Where is all this coming from? Talk to me,” I implored him.

Faise looked away, shaking his head.

“Nothing changes. We can still hang,” he whispered. “But maybe, with other people too, yeah?”

I was about to argue when he looked up at me, and I saw the determined look in his eyes. I didn’t want to lose Faise, so I accepted what he was telling me. His stubborn nature meant arguing with him was futile. I was gonna go along, to get along. But that didn’t mean I was going to accept this total about face.

Then, I didn’t have to worry at all. Or, so I thought.

Two weeks later, Faise and Dean were done. I never asked. He never said.

My boo was back.

Only, things were never quite the same.