Chapter Eighteen

Nolan

Wednesday, July 3rd 11:01 PM

Jane had closed her eyes about ten minutes after we got married and hadn't opened them since. Father Lucian went straight to the courthouse to make it legal so that none of us would have to leave her bedside.

Stella would occasionally come in and sit to read her some books that were in the waiting room. Liam came in once and when he saw his beloved Starr as sick as she was, he walked right out and never came back in.

Aaron would pace the room incessantly and Jessie would periodically run a brush through Jane's hair.

I had taken up shop to her left, and even wild horses wouldn't be able to move me away from her side.

Around six o'clock that night, they had brought in a heart monitor. They said they needed to keep track of the beating because she wasn't as strong as she was when she first got there.

The damn beeping was driving me crazy, but I stood to reason that I would rather hear the beeping than not.

At seven they came in and took her dialysis machine out of the room.

By eight o'clock, I was paging the nurse to find out why they hadn't brought it back yet. Five minutes after that, Dr. Kowalski entered the room.

"There's no point in continuing dialysis. Her kidneys are irreparably damaged. We haven't found any donors who are a match to her blood type and her blood pressure is through the roof. It's just a matter of how long she wants to hold on, now," she said to us gently.

Aaron finally stopped pacing and sat down next to Jessie, who started to cry uncontrollably. I asked him if I could bring Stella and Liam in to say goodbye to Jane, and he said yes.

Liam refused. He said that he didn't want to see Jane sick and he would see her when she got home, and she was doing better. Stella stood up like a big girl and held my hand all the way to the room. When she entered, she climbed the bed carefully and put her head on Jane's chest, wrapping an arm around her waist. She didn't cry until her father told her it was time for her to go back to the waiting room ten minutes later.

"I love you, Janey," she shrieked over and over as he dragged her out of the room.

Nine o'clock came and went and Jane's monitor was still beeping steadily.

Jessie was still crying.

Aaron was looking out the window, with his hands in his pockets.

I was still sitting next to her.

I rolled my wedding ring around and around on my finger. Something had to give. Something had to get better. Someone as bright and loving as Jane couldn't die like this.

It wasn't fair.

Ten-thirty rolled around and her heart rate started to slow down according to the monitor. Jessie burst into hysterical tears and ran from the room.

I could swear she said, "I can't be here when she dies." but I wasn't eighty-five percent sure.

Aaron sighed deeply and went over to Jane. He kissed her on her forehead and told her that he loved her. On his way out of the room he put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Nolan."

I looked up at him, "So am I."

He nodded and walked out of the room to find his wife.

I ran my thumb over the top of Jane's hand and watched her breathing become labored.

"If you get better, we can take that walk on the beach," I whispered to her.

At eleven-oh-one, the monitor flat-lined.

I was swarmed by doctors and nurses who pretty much shoved me out of the door and tried to resuscitate her.

I stood outside of her room listening to orders being yelled around and I think they almost felt as desperate as I did.

But it wasn't their world, their love, their wife lying dead in that bed; it was mine.

Dr. Stein, who had been the attending doctor on her case, finally came out of the room. He gave me a very somber look and put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

I took a deep breath.

"Can I sit with her?"

"For a few moments, but then we have to move her," he said.

I nodded and pushed the door open. The room was empty except for a nurse who was removing Jane's I.V.

"She just looks like she's sleeping," I said softly.

"A definite sleeping beauty," the nurse replied. "Will you be okay alone?"

"Yeah. I just want to sit here."

She nodded and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with Jane. I sat down next to her again and I ran my hand over her hair.

I wanted so desperately for her to react, to breathe, and to do anything to show me that she was still alive.

But she didn't.

Her chest didn't go up and down.

Her eyes didn't blink.

And her hand—now cold—didn't squeeze mine.

"I'm glad it doesn't hurt anymore," I said. "I'm glad that you're probably in a place where you can walk anywhere you want and you're as radiant as ever. I'm glad that I got to know you and love you for the small amount of time that I did. I'm glad that I got to marry you before you left."

I felt it coming and I wasn't going to try to hold it back.

"But how the fuck am I supposed to do this without you?" I blurted out angrily.

I started to cry harder than I had in the elevator. I put my head on her stomach and let myself grieve her. Even though she had just "left" I already felt enough pain to last a thousand lifetimes.

"Nolan? It's time to go."

I recognized Dr. Bright's voice and I got to my feet without so much as a glance at him. I kissed Jane for the last time, closing my eyes tightly.

"I love you so much," I managed to say.

I walked out of her room and past the waiting room where my parents called out my name. I walked down the stairs from the eighth floor and straight out of the hospital.

I looked up bitterly at the night sky, searching for the perfect, newest Starr in Heaven.