EPILOGUE

GRIFFIN GRAY

Ilay staring up at the industrial style ceiling above my head from the day bed in the Chill. One I'd seen too fucking often. All the ceilings looked the same here—fans, air vents and a fuck tonne of concrete or tin. But tonight, something felt off. In fact, it had been off for a few days.

Since she'd left.

Training was over for the day and my mind was somewhere else the whole time.

I fiddled with my knives, calming myself as I mentally replayed my failures in sparring. I was lazy, off my game. I missed key tells of my opponents. That was not okay, I had a reputation to uphold and Thea was going to fucking kill me if the newer recruits schooled me.

"You can always play with me if you want to keep your hands busy, Griff."

I swear every time Sienna opened her mouth these days it seemed extra whiney. I was not a fan of her right now. She needed to leave me the fuck alone.

"No," I spat back.

She cringed a bit at the harshness of my tone but I honestly couldn't care less if I'd hurt her feelings. I was not in the mood. I didn't have time for her to throw herself at me today. I was so fucking sick of the shit she'd pulled.

"You know Griff, you were a lot more fun before that wannabe came along," she called out as she spun herself away and walked towards the stairs.

Fuck. I hated that she was right. I had been different ever since Venus had arrived. And her leaving affected me more than I ever thought possible. It hurt. Really fucken bad.

I wouldn't say that I had been a bad type of different since Venus walked into our lives—even if Sienna saw it differently. It had shown me how meaningless life felt before, which led to me cutting things off with her. With Venus, I felt a sense of joy I hadn't previously known.

But she was gone now.

The thought of her choosing him was so painful that I walked out on her before she could walk out on me. I couldn't handle someone else leaving me. Especially not her. So I left. Not even saying goodbye. Like a fucking idiot.

And now I felt different once again. Empty almost? Hollow? Like some part of me was missing. That girl had gotten to my head and not just my dick. She'd gotten to my heart. I knew I felt things for her I never had before but I didn't really understand it. I just knew I always wanted to be around her.

Thinking back to the last few days, I'd not been hungry since she left. I felt numb. I wasn't performing well and truth be told I just didn't care about anything.

But I was also mad at her. She left me. She went after him. She chose him.

So screw her.

Although I did that already and it was incredible.

That was part of the problem.

My mind replayed the last few times, as clear as if I'd been watching a movie or experiencing it all over again. With her, it was like nothing I'd felt before. It was different. Raw and passionate and fucking sexy. But definitely different. It wasn't mind numbing like it had always felt in the past with other girls. It was never meaningless or just for fun with her, even though we both pretended that it was—quite poorly I might add. Initially, I might have thought it would be, but who was I kidding. The more I got to know her, I knew it would never be meaningless. No matter how much we both told ourselves it was.

It was maybe more primal at first, like I just needed to have her. But every time with her felt like there were strings attached—even when we said there wouldn't be. When she insisted.

She played it cool and seemed down for just sex. But I weirdly felt a pull to her. And if I thought about it, every time drew us closer together, like that bond was forging further. Those sparks, which I was certain was a soul flame bond, lured me to her again and again. Made her presence a drug to me.

I craved her like I'd never craved anyone else before. She satisfied me. Quenched my thirst and more. It felt like she fit. Her body on mine—it was like it was moulded for me.

Fuck, I couldn't stop thinking about those tingles. About how I felt alive with her. I didn't know a soul flame could be this fucking strong. I didn't think that this was normal, that this was how they were supposed to be. Maybe I just liked her that much.

And now I just felt hollow again.

Maybe even worse than before because now I knew what it was like to feel like that. To feel whole.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

If this is what it felt like to be in love or heart broken or whatever, I needed it to stop. Needed this dull, achy pain in my chest to stop.

There was only one thing that would stop it though; I needed her.

Since she'd left, I tried to put her aside like I might have done in the past. I had every intention of cutting things off with her. I made that decision the moment she said she was going back to him.

But it would be impossible to forget her.

Spending my nights without her didn't seem right. I wouldn"t be able to find meaning in it, in being alone and turning to random girls to fill that void. She'd be the only thing that would fill it.

I wasn't usually someone who gave up on a fight. I never had been. I was usually the relentless, tactical predator who didn't stop until I had the kill. The perfect warrior. So why the fuck did I let her walk away from me?

Obviously, I was a stubborn, cocky prick and I didn't want her to know I actually had feelings for her. And to make things more complicated, I didn't want to push myself onto her. I wanted to give her space to make her own choices, even if I didn't want to. Although occasionally I couldn't help myself and gave her a little push in the right direction. We all needed a little push now and then.

But after all that, I let her go back to that fucking mutt. All because I wanted to prove something—because I wanted her to admit she wanted me. I guess I wanted her to choose me. Even though I wasn't offering her anything worth picking. I didn't really portray myself as a viable option since I wouldn't tell her how I felt. Nor did I tell her that for her I could try to be more. That I could try to commit. I could try to be a boyfriend. I was basically doing that anyway so I don't know why I was so fucking stupid and didn't just tell her.

I let her leave because the alternative was to make myself vulnerable and tell her to stay for me. I already lowered my guard down enough by asking her to wait, and the second she turned me down I shut myself off and shut her out.

Fuck this was irritating. I was usually the one who played the games but she was playing with my emotions now—and she had won. The worst part was that she didn't even know it, and now she was gone.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck the moping.

I threw myself off the daybed, ignoring everyone as I took the steps from the Loft to the Bunker and then from the Bunker to The Fourth, two at a time, storming to my room. Throwing the door open and rushing to my bed, I grabbed my duffle bag from under it, shoving in whatever clothes I could find. Yet I couldn't help but wonder if she'd like the shirt I ditched into the bag or the pants I was holding. So okay, there was clearly some effort put into the throwing in of clothes. I wanted to look good for her. I wanted her to not be able to resist me, like I couldn't resist her.

Yep, there was something seriously wrong with me. I was broken. I needed her to fix me. To mend my broken heart with her touch.

I packed extra knives and some wolfsbane in case that dog laid a hand on her. I couldn't wait until it was time to put him down.

I packed the hoodie of mine she'd slept in all those nights, just in case she wanted it. Plus I couldn't stand the thought of her not in it, or worse; in something of his.

When nightfall hit and it was silent in the compound, I followed the path I'd taken so many times before, making a pit stop to grab her sais.

It was ironic how this path almost felt like our path now, after all the times we snuck out here together.

There were so many nights when I couldn't sleep so I stayed out on the fire escape a little later, or mornings when we wouldn't train together but I'd get up anyway and wait just in case, hoping she might come out and we could spend more stolen moments in each other"s presence. That's how much I was drawn to her.

As I climbed out the open window and took the fire escape, I was filled with memories of her; her sweet laughter; those mesmerising hazel eyes that glowed green in certain light; my large hands on her tiny waist as I carried her down this same route; those sexy full lips that tasted like honey; and that steamy time I took her against the ladder out here. I missed her bitter sarcasm and the constant eye rolls that I'd apparently become so dependent on. The compound wasn't the same without her. Even with my friends—who meant a lot to me—my world felt incredibly lonely again.

I was going to get my girl.