2. Jed

TWO

JED

Zane Lawton was relentless, driven and the guy who made my cock weep at the sight of him. He was also the man who I despised with all my heart for evoking emotions and thoughts that I never knew someone could feel for another person, especially a man.

I’d done everything in my power to avoid Zane except the fact that I had to work. It’s not like I could control who walked into The North Avenue Live, no matter how much I wanted to. It’s not like I owned the place or anything. Could you imagine, ha! I couldn’t exactly go and tell Hardin and Anthony that I wanted Zane barred from the place because I had unresolved emotions and feelings for him that I couldn’t control. That would mean finally putting my sexuality out in the open, and that just wasn’t an option. Instead, it meant keeping my wits about me and being on guard, watching that door in case he appeared. I’d managed not to see him since our encounter that night—the one ending with the two of us in bed together before my freak-out. That being said, there'd soon be a time when we would come face to face again and the anticipation of potentially having to reveal more about myself than I was comfortable with was high on my anxiety level.

You see, I’d been brought up within a strict religious family being told how wrong same sex relationships were. My older stepbrother, West, escaped away from the family to work in Ashwood, Montana, at Fire Mountain Ranch. He worked on the mountains a few hours west, always living his life to the full without a care of anyone’s opinions. We talked often, but if I needed him to show up, he would. I followed his footsteps and left as soon as I was able to even though I felt stuck and obligated to my family at times. Religion was something I couldn’t connect with, but that didn’t stop my parents dropping by and visiting when they could. I had to be the person they raised and act as their son, upholding their values. I hated it, but I couldn’t disappoint them. I loved them too much to defend myself. It was better this way, protecting their hearts. It was why Maxwell and I were so close, having gone through similar upbringings of pain and distrust, except he’d done what I couldn’t. He wished I would take the step towards freedom, but he was the one person who truly understood the background of why it was so hard. It didn’t mean, though, that I could be open and have a confession about my deepest thoughts and feelings over what happened. I just buried it away and managed however I could throughout the day, focusing on my job.

If I’m honest, I’d never found that right person, as they say, don’t get me wrong, I loved women and found them sexy, but something always niggled away at the back of my mind. The fact I wanted a guy to overpower and dominate me rather than me being the guy in control had always been at the back of my mind in my previous relationships.

Since Jessica and I split up last year, I’ve only gone and become more curious to explore the possibilities of desire and want to be with a guy. I try to fulfil some of those wants I keep hidden away for the night that come around and I’m alone.

But where did that leave me? A wanting fool who can’t allow his heart to overrule his mind in life—trapped in his parents' grasps and struggling to be who he wants to be.

The moment he walked in with those ripped jeans and black vest on, I was mesmerized trying my hardest to avoid his gaze. The last thing I needed was somebody noticing my obsession with him.

“I’m just going to change the barrel. I won’t be long, yell if you need an extra pair of hands,” I told Rebecca before patting her on the shoulder and making my way out back. The moment I reached the door handle down to the cellar, I halted as a hand gripped my shoulder and spun me around. “Zane,” I gasped out. “Can’t you see? I’m busy. I’ve got to?—”

“Keep running from me?” he finished my sentence as I dropped my head down low to avoid his gaze. “Seriously, Jed, we need to talk. All I’m asking for is five minutes,” he pleaded with me.

“Okay,” I conceded. “Come with me.” I directed my way to the bottom of the staircase knowing that if either of the girls called me out front, I could quickly make my way out there to them. “I haven’t long, so just say what you need to say and let me get back to work.” I paused and waited for him to react. “Tell me. Whatever it is, just get it off your chest.”

Zane caressed his fingers through my hair as I fought against his touch, leaning inwards one second and recoiling the next as if he was burning him. The muscles in my back tensed up immediately, fighting the comfort and pain within me. How could something so natural feel so wrong?

“I can’t help loving you. Yeah, I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel.” He forced the words out as a chill ran down my spine, and my mouth slackened at how easily he just admitted that without a care in the world. “I just can’t understand why you keep running away?”

“Because I hate you,” I angrily snapped out, pushing myself away before storming in the opposite direction from Zane, knowing I had to get back to work before someone came back here to find me. I hated that I had to push him away because, in reality, I knew he couldn’t be mine. I mean, what choice did I have? I would never be accepted by the ones who love me. I dropped my head low and steadied my breath, knowing he was standing behind me, his heat radiating from his form as he breathed over my shoulder and hit my neck. “And I hate myself for it,” I whispered before making my way into the cellar.

I wish it could be different, maybe in another lifetime.

When Hardin asked me if I wanted to clock off early, I jumped at the opportunity. Firstly, I could avoid watching the drunken stupor that Zane was currently getting himself into and escape the knotted weight in my stomach, knowing I’d caused this reaction. The longer I spent behind the bar the more likely I would have to be the one to cut the supply of beer to him. Who knows how he’d react then around me? At least if it was Hardin or Anthony, they could receive the backlash if there was to be any. Secondly, get home and prepare for tomorrow’s meeting at the town hall with the locals ready to discuss the plans for the holidays on North Avenue Lane. I loved living in the small quaint part of town—the new buildings and businesses that kept popping up had shown it was an area for the up-and-coming people looking for that first home. We’d all agreed that this year we needed to step up our game and get ourselves seen.

Eli was that man… the brainstorm wizard with all the knowledge. You’d never have known he questioned himself so much with the strength and character portrayed around his guy, Kellan. He was a business owner, a billionaire and someone with loads of confidence—well normally—this venture was new and unexpected. He wanted to give back but being part of a larger picture with many opinions didn’t always make it an easy task. Since he took an active role on the council committee three months ago, he’d helped the local businesses and community to shine from the crowd. So, who knew an idea so simple as the proposal of a charity holiday wish tree could excite so many people? The vote was anonymous and plans quickly came to light to set up the scene. This year North Avenue Lane would be a place that people swarmed to visit.

With the alcohol flowing through my veins I twisted the brightly coloured handmade twisted bracelet that I had been given by Zane. I slowly removed it from my wrist, examining it for a second before placing my hand in my jacket pocket and removing the protective cased star with a message inside I’d written just half hour earlier after noticing them at the end of the bar I’d been drinking in.

I made a rash decision and donated my money toward the cause, not thinking about the next step, and just scribed away the words that had remained deep in my heart which I was unable to express.

With the bracelet in hand, I looped it through the hanger as a reminder of what would never be and nodded at security, who were guarding the site.

“Thanks, man,” I uttered as I passed the barrier and took in a deep breath. “To all those people who never took a chance,” I slurred in a hushed tone, placing my star on the tree. “To eventually being reckless and free,” I whispered to myself as I glanced at its placement. “I mean a guy can hope, can’t he?” I uttered before turning on my heel and sighing before hiccupping in my drunken stupor. “If only it could be a reality.”