Chapter 13

(Zachy)

A month of no costumes, no tapings, only fun

It felt so good to sleep in and wake up in the morning with Daddy snuggled against his back, his arm draped over Zachy’s waist, providing a feeling of safety and security he’d never known before, not even with Cooper. He’d worked late every night this week, video chatting with them at bedtime so he could resume reading Zachy a story before he fell asleep in Daddy’s arms. It was hard though, because Zachy missed him and wished that he was there with them to decorate. Last year he’d tried to convince Zachy to go ahead and put decorations up. He’d even offered to stay on the phone with him while he did and put some up too, so it would feel like they were decorating together, but Zachy hadn’t wanted a moment that felt like what he truly longed for, he wanted the real thing, and Daddy had promised that they’d go get some after breakfast.

Zachy was so excited to go and find fun ornaments and a tree to decorate. Neither wanted green but they weren’t sold on white either. Zachy was secretly hoping they’d find something truly unique and special to celebrate their first Christmas together and sincerely hoped it would kickstart a wonderful tradition for the years to come. Maybe it was too soon, but he felt like Daddy was his forever person, but he knew he could be wrong, because he’d felt the same thing about Cooper and that had almost blown up in his face.

Still could.

He’d been so distant lately, but Zachy understood about long work hours, he just wished the three of them had been in a better place before it happened because sometimes, he really struggled to not feel like his boyfriend had abandoned him. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his Daddy and all the time they got to spend together, it was just that he’d fallen in love with Cooper over a year ago and a steady sense of loss had been setting in over the past few days, despite their nightly video chats.

If only he’d been a good boy on the cruise.

But if he had, he wouldn’t have his Daddy Gage.

It sucked to constantly be torn between feelings of longing and joy.

“What has you all tense and quivering this morning?”

Daddy’s voice rumbled in his ear and Zacky hugged his arm and sighed.

“Just wishing Cooper was going shopping with us today,” Zachy said softly. “We were going to decorate together this year and now I feel like he’s halfway across the country again, even when I know he’s just across town.”

“It’s hard to be away from someone you care about, no matter how far the distance.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you told him how you feel?”

Zachy shook his head as Daddy hugged him and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“Why not?”

“Don’t want him to think I’m being needy when I’m not, I just miss him.”

“I’ve started to miss my football buddy as well.”

“Do you think he’s bored with us?”

“No, sweet boy, I think he’s buried in his work, and I don’t think he’s happy about it either,” Daddy said, giving him another gentle squeeze. “Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from the few opportunities we’ve had to talk while you were settling in for your story.”

“Do you think he’ll join us for Christmas?”

“He promised he would,” Daddy said. “Sometimes you just have to trust, even when it’s hard.”

“I wish I’d been a better boy for him,” Zachy said. “I just wanted to play so bad. Every day I had to watch everyone playing on the show and when we got on the ship, I was so excited that I wanted to do everything. I wanted to laugh and jump and crawl and spin and I should have tried harder to reign it in like I do on the show.”

“You were both new to the dynamic and not being able to tell Cooper what you do for a living really didn’t help your situation any. It isn’t fair to any of you. Listening to Tyler talk about losing his girlfriend over not being able to share something so simple makes me want to talk to the showrunners about the issues the non-disclosure clause has caused for both of you and probably some of the others too.”

“It doesn’t feel very fair, but I kind of understand why they do it,” Zachy admitted. “What if one of us told someone who got mad at us and decided to blab it all over social media?”

“That’s a valid point and I’m sure that is one of several reasons they put it in place, but it’s hard to see how keeping who you are secret outweighs the damage it does to the crew, especially if you’ve already lost a cast member over it. Unfortunately, I can also see how having the public know who you are could turn your lives upside down. It’s a hard road to walk, regardless of how you look at it. As a sound engineer, I had to sign the non-disclosure agreement too and I’m not a fan. You’re not the only one who wants to share the truth with Cooper, and I think I might have a way that we can make that happen.”

“But won’t we get in trouble?”

“Not if we don’t tell him what show you play on or the character you portray,” Daddy explained. “I’ve studied the agreement and there is nothing in it that speaks about generalizations. I think he needs to know that you’re an actor and not a personal assistant and that the character you play requires you to spend a great deal of time watching others get to do things that you never get the chance to try. I believe it will go a long way towards clearing the air and some of the lingering confusion between you and give him a better understanding of why things went so wrong on the cruise.”

“Do you think it will help him forgive me?”

“It can’t hurt.”

Squirming, Zachy turned over so he could hug his Daddy and press his ear to his chest to listen to his heartbeat. The steady rhythm was soothing and Zachy found it easier to think about Daddy’s words when he didn’t feel like his tummy was churning with conflicting emotions.

“I love you, Daddy, but I want him to love me too.”

“Awe, sweet boy, if he can’t love you, it’s no fault of yours and I won’t hear anything to the contrary.”

Having Daddy hold him in that unhurried way of his was everything to Zachy, who’d only ever craved this sort of affection and comfort. Time melted as they stayed that way, and he may have napped a little. He felt better when he lifted his head to see Daddy watching him, one hand still steadily stroking his hair. The tender smile on Daddy’s face brought a smile to Zachy’s lips, especially when Daddy cupped his cheek and brushed his thumb over the curve of his jaw.

“Ready to get cleaned up and start our day?” Daddy asked, making it clear, just from his tone, that he’d be perfectly content to remain there if Zachy wasn’t ready to get up yet.

Thoughts of lights and ornaments had started swirling through his head again, so he nodded, and eased away from Daddy, slipping from the bed to yelp when his bare feet landed on the cold floor.

“Tell me about it,” Daddy murmured as he shivered on the opposite side of the bed. “Stone floors are nice in summer, but it might be time to get some area rugs in here, and maybe some slippers for both of us.”

“Fun ones with faces?” Zachy asked as he followed Daddy to the bathroom and the large, six-person shower that only filled a small part of the room.

“Any ones you’d like,” Daddy said as he turned the water on while Zachy used the toilet.

It was warm when he got in, quickly chasing the chill from his feet as Daddy washed his back and hair. He wasn’t allowed to go out with it wet anymore. Daddy had bought a hairdryer that he used once he’d rubbed the water from Zachy’s hair and wrapped him in a robe.

Can’t have my boy getting sick, Daddy had told him when he’d brought it home, then we wouldn’t be able to have any fun together. It never took them long to dress and get ready, but knowing it wasn’t work they were headed too left Zachy teetering on the edge of his little space before they headed for the door.

“Daddy, is it okay if I bring Yurtle?”

His smiling, tie-dyed turtle sat on his pillow where he’d placed it after they’d made the bed, the six-inch stuffed toy the only one he owned after he’d lost his other one to a little girl at the club. He shouldn’t have taken it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to take Yurtle with him today.

“I don’t see why not,” Daddy said, “but let’s make sure that Yurtle will be safe if he happens to fall out of your pocket.”

Zachy didn’t know what Daddy intended to do when he picked up the turtle, but he trusted him and stood still, waiting as Daddy rummaged around in his drawer until he’d found a lanyard from one of the events they’d worked on. It didn’t take him long to remove the nametag and replace it with a handwritten one bearing Zachy’s name and their address. He carefully twisted it and slipped first one, then the other of Yurtle’s front flippers through it, then used the clip to pin it to Zachy’s overalls pocket once he’d tucked Yurtle and the nametag inside his front pocket. He was so glad he’d chosen to wear them today, they were warm and comfortable, especially once Daddy adjusted the straps, so they weren’t digging into his shoulders.

“There now, Yurtle will be perfectly safe that way.”

When Daddy pressed a kiss to his forehead, Daddy wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tight, squeezing as Daddy held him and rubbed his back.

“We’ll just pop into the pet store and get him a proper harness while we’re out,” Daddy assured him. “And a collar with tags too.”

Zachy’s little backpack hung on the peg beside the door, right over the marble stand where Daddy kept his keys and wallet. Once he was sure they had everything they needed, they headed out into a city congested with holiday shoppers.

“Do you think you’d prefer the mall, or should we try one of those year-round Christmas shops?”

“Ohhh, I’ve always wanted to go in one,” Zachy admitted.

“Christmas shop it is,” Daddy said as he punched it into the GPS on his phone and stuck it in its holder.

Though they usually listened to rock and grunge, today Daddy found them a station that was playing holiday music and joined Zachy in singing along with them as they drove. Daddy had a good voice, deep and a little raspy but Zachy loved listening to it and curled on his side, watching Daddy instead of the scenery.

“Did you become a sound engineer ‘cause you loved music?”

Daddy chuckled and shot him a quick smile as they waited at a stoplight. “More like I started dabbling once I finally realized that loving something and being good at creating it were two different things. As hard as I tried, I never could learn to play an instrument well enough to earn a place in a band and believe me, I tried. Drums, piano, guitar, even bass. Tried my hand at writing songs too, but I never had the kind of vocal range to actually perform them.”

“I like your voice. Would you sing to me at bedtime?”

“I’d be happy to. I always enjoyed it. I wanted to be close to the music and learning how to work a soundboard came far more naturally to me than any of the instruments ever did. Once I found my niche, I started learning everything I could about the technology and methods of producing different tones and effects. The best learning was hands-on, though and fortunately, I found several exacting, but encouraging mentors who helped me until I was the one others came to for advice.”

They’d started moving again, but Zachy didn’t feel a need to see the scenery. He’d seen the first little flakes of the season beginning to fall when they’d stepped out the door and they were pretty, but Daddy’s face offered a much better view. Even after they’d stopped, Zachy wasn’t in any hurry to get out, he just wiggled closer to Daddy so he could press a kiss to his cheek.

“I love you, sweet boy,” Daddy said as he pressed a hand to Zachy’s cheek, caressing it again. “Let’s go see what we can find to brighten up the house, though I don’t see how any lights, or sparkling dangly bits could ever outshine you.”

They headed into the store with their pinkies linked, hands swinging between them as they stepped past the sliding doors.

“Whoa,” Zachy breathed, eyes widening when he took in just how much there was to see. A toy train with smoke billowing from it circled a tree that twinkled and played carols. An elf leered down at him from atop a shelf filled with elves of every color. Beside them with bearded gnomes with tall, pointy hats and smiling gingerbread men perched atop ceramic houses. Glittery bobbles and blinking lights twinkled as they hung from displays and Zacky pressed his hand to Yurtle’s fuzzy head sticking up out of his pocket and rubbed it while Daddy stroked the back of his neck.

“Let’s get a cart and go one aisle at a time,” Daddy suggested. “That way we can see everything.”

“Can I push it?”

“Of course.”

“Yey, Zachy said, skipping over to them and tugging, trying to separate two that were jammed together.

He’d have probably fallen on his ass; he yanked so hard. But Daddy was there with a hand on his back to steady him. A strong jerk from him made the two carts pop apart, then off they went, exploring the depths of the magic filled building.