Chapter 11

(Cooper)

Indecisiveness makes the soul hurt

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Cooper glared from the project writeup page to the semantics that had also been attached to the email, cocked his head and tried to figure out if someone had sent the wrong writeup or the wrong semantics because the two clearly did not go together. The worse part was his inability to identify which one would be better suited to the project. Once he worked that out, he could send an email requesting the missing information.

Or maybe he should just ask for both and let the team leader decide which one he’d prefer Cooper to build. He’d have a better idea of who they’d be marketing to, which pissed Cooper off to no end, since he was used to handling projects like this on his own.

Yes, he was aware that he was a bit of a control freak and had a somewhat overwhelming aversion to making mistakes, thank you very much. He considered himself to be a very self-aware person, though he still hadn’t determined if the lengths he went through to avoid fucking up were due to how much it irked him to fail, or how much it pissed him off to endure the chastising that typically came afterwards.

Anyone who tries to say that someone won’t have to listen to another lecture about their fuckups after they’ve become an adult has clearly never been involved in the corporate world. The competitive atmosphere had sparked a culture where publicly shaming someone for their screwups was also seen as a means of motivating them. Cooper never felt any encouragement to do better after publicly being made to look like a fool.

Maybe that was why he’d handled things with Zachy on the cruise ship so much more harshly than he’d truly needed to. It still shamed him to remember the way he’d snapped at him when he’d been trying to play and ordered him to a spot to sit, instead of seeing how he’d do with the three other littles who’d been playing nearby.

Okay, but he’d been demanding another boy perform for him.

Demanding…. or encouraging?

When the boy had turned a furrowed look their way, Cooper had immediately been embarrassed and admonished Zachy. Only to later learn that the other boy had never even heard Zachy chanting again, again. He was deaf and had probably turned to look at Zachy when he’d felt the vibration of him bouncing on his bottom across the floor.

Would he have been eager to show Zachy what else he could do? Would he and the others have welcomed his boy to join them for a game of bowling? Had Cooper denied him the opportunity to show him that he could play nicely? Gage said Zachy only got squirrelly when he got anxious. The playroom had been fairly empty that night, and Zachy’s sole focus had been on watching Christian spin. Shouldn’t that have been Cooper’s clue to encourage him to interact with the others instead of making him sit and watch them?

So then why hadn’t that been the case?

The answer hit like a swift kick to the gut.

Because he’d been embarrassed.

He’d immediately jumped to curb Zachy’s behavior because he hadn’t wanted to look bad in front of the other Daddies and was already feeling insecure about how easy it looked for everyone else to get their littles to follow instructions while Zachy had been running all over the place.

Seeing how frustrated he’d been Wednesday night, by what, Cooper still hadn’t been able to fully sus out since Gage and Zachy were experts at diverting the subject off what it was Zachy actually did, had given him some sense that Zachy struggled there, but neither had divulged with what.

Which was odd, when Gage had spoken at length about how much more his job was than just adjusting microphone levels, then gone on to answer every question Cooper had about what a sound engineer did.

The way he’d described it, he could listen to people talk about what they hoped to create and know just what adjustments to make to the levels to help them achieve it.

Seeing all the controls and levels on Gage’s laptop display had been mind-blowing. How did he ever keep track of which did what? Cooper had said he’d been doing it for so long it came as natural to him as breathing, leaving Cooper curious to learn how he’d gotten into it in the first place.

So then why weren’t either of them open about what Zachy did? Hell Cooper had never figured out if he was a personal assistant or a behind the scenes gopher, but he’d certainly never spoken about any technical aspects of the job the way Gage did.

Maybe he’d just grown irritated with whoever Beakface was for being too demanding and asking for a bunch of things. Having seen how hard his own assistants worked, he could see how it could be overwhelming for someone as free spirited and energetic as Zachy.

Focus.

Fuck.

He checked the project notes again and thought about sending a text to the project leader, then decided against it and chose the more compact model for easier transport when they traveled to demonstrations. The larger model could always be designed later, for conferences and industry events, so he moved forward with a request for both pieces of missing information, made an entry in the project notes about the two different models, and moved on to the next decision he needed to make.

Spring unveiling in time to hit all the summer trade shows, or winter, so everyone looking for last minute tax write offs would be tempted to purchase them?

Decisions, decisions.

His days were filled with so many just like this one, too many sometimes. An endless whirlwind of choices that left him constantly agonizing over every tiny decision.

Maybe that was the problem. He agonized and wrestled with himself over every little thing, second guessed and got in his own way more often than he cared to admit.

He needed to learn to go with his gut, identify what felt right and leave other people’s opinions out of it. Hell, he didn’t even wait to make certain he knew what their opinions really were. He was just out there reacting to possibilities, and that wasn’t a fun way to live.

It truly wasn’t, and Cooper knew it made him come off as an uptight stuffed shirt too rigid to know how to have fun. They wouldn’t be too far off the mark with that either, though Cooper did know what fun looked like. He was just very careful about the way he conducted himself while engaging in it.

In college, he’d been the designated everything. Everyone could always count on him to get them back after a party or listen as they drunkenly sobbed over whatever relationship woes they had going on. The problem with being the designated go to for everyone about everything was that there had been no one he’d felt like he could trust to watch his back if he felt like cutting loose. They’d have all been willing to party with him though and ply him with all the alcohol he could stomach.

Which wasn’t much.

No opportunity to build up a tolerance and all.

He could mix up one hell of a hangover cure though.

“Oh good, you’re still here.”

Cooper glanced up to see that the very project manager he’d considered texting, had stuck his head into his office.

“Yes. I was going over the specs for the all-in-one presentation pack,” Cooper admitted. “Figured the more compact one would be easier to take as a carryon.”

“About those presentation packs, I just happened to mention them to Mr. Ozuah and Mr. Cantrell, and they may have mentioned them at the conference they attended this past weekend. Long story short, we’re expected to do a demonstration for all our subsidiaries at the night of the company Christmas party.”

“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”

“I wish I was.”

“What made you think mentioning anything would be a good idea when you knew we had two other projects to launch before we shut down for the holidays?”

“I hate to quote Mr. Ozuah, but now we have three.”

“And that’s what you were looking for me to tell me?” Cooper grumbled.

This was exactly what he hated about having to work with others to bring a project together. It might take longer when he had to do everything himself, but he knew how to keep his mouth shut, which Todd clearly did not.

Son of a bitch.

He was already staying late damn near every night now, including Wednesdays, when he’d left straight from here to go to the club to meet Gage and Zachy, and realized how ravenous he was by the time he’d made it to the bowling alley.

Another way he’d fucked up with Zachy. His boy had never once acted needy or demanding of him. He might not follow directions so well, but even in his little space Zachy was polite, saying please and thank you and daintily nibbling even the smallest treat that he received.

I hate rushing to eat. It makes my tummy hurt when I eat too fast, and I don’t even get to enjoy what the food tastes like. At work I always have to scarf, so I only eat a few bites, so I don’t feel sick when it’s time to get moving again.

He was supposed to be learning to take care of his boy, which was supposed to mean cutting his late nights back going forward, not making them later.

Son of a bitch.

“I see I’ve broken your brain. Sorry about that,” Todd said.

“Why?” Cooper sputtered. “Just tell me why you, the project manager no less, couldn’t keep your mouth shut about the project until we’d come up with a strategy for how to launch it? What on earth made you think it would be a good idea to mention anything about what we’d been working on?”

“Look, I screwed up. I knew it the moment the words came out of my mouth. I’ll make it up to the team, I swear it. Right after I make it up to my wife that I’m about to miss evenings with the in-laws on a rather consistent basis now that they’ve flown in for Thanksgiving. Ugg, I’m going to be working right up until the meal hits the table and afterward too.”

“And just how do you expect to make it up to a group of people who are already beyond overworked leading into the holidays?” Cooper grumbled. “Slash our work hours after the first of the year? We’re behind, Todd, and unless we plan to work over the holiday shutdown, which I don’t, we’re just going to be even more behind when we get back. So just how do you intend to make it up to us?”

“I don’t know, okay. I might be in just a little over my head, thinking we could tackle four projects with a completely green team and not nearly enough hands to divvy the work out to.”

“There’s your solution right there,” Cooper said as Todd slipped the rest of the way into his office and plopped in the chair across from his desk. “Let’s get some more bodies in here. I get that the budget is frozen for the year, and we can’t afford to make any new hires, but why not reach out to the university and see if there are any business students looking to do some hands-on work as interns? You never know. We could find a future member of our team in the process.”

Nodding, Todd stroked his chin. “It would look good on their resumes too and we’d want to offer letters of recommendation to those who do a good job. It would give them a leg up for future employers to see that they’ve already gotten a little taste of what the corporate world is like. I’ll work out a list of the duties that can be handed off to them and distribute them around. If we’re lucky, they’ll be enough interest to assign an intern to every team member.”

“Now that’s how you make things right,” Cooper declared.

“Thanks. I’ll get on that tonight. If this quarter has taught me anything it’s to not overestimate my capabilities, or energy level. It was all well and good to dive into each project and start brainstorming ideas and writing up a bunch of notes, but it’s something entirely different to maintain that for the duration. I know I’ve been holding a lot of things close to the vest too, trying to prove I could handle what I’d taken on when the truth is, I can’t.

I didn’t just pop in here tonight to tell you about my little screw up with Ozuah and Cantrell, it was to ask if you’d like to step up and co-manage our project load with me?

Torn, Cooper knew this was the perfect opportunity to make good on all those thoughts he’d had about how much better he’d do if he was the one running things. But it could also mean he’d be burying himself in even more work and being even later to arrive at Gage’s than he already was.

These days they almost always wound up there. Each time he visited, he noticed that more and more of Zachy’s things had been moved in. It made sense when they worked together. It wouldn’t be long until Zachy gave up his apartment completely. Wasn’t his lease up around the holidays, anyway?

There was a story behind that Zachy had promised to tell him, or maybe he’d fallen asleep the night Zachy had tried to share it with him. Either way, he’d still never learned what had led to the man moving in on a Christmas Eve in the middle of a snowstorm.

He wondered if Gage knew the answer to that and if their time together had given Zachy the opportunity to share it with him? There was no room for jealousy in the relationship they were forming, and he really was trying hard not to be so resentful of the time they spent together on the job, but some days it was difficult, especially when he’d yet to make things all the way right with Zachy.

He still needed to get that toy back.

Four years, that’s how long Zachy had been living in his apartment. Zachy would have been barely nineteen. Why had he never done the math before? When Zachy had admitted to being on his own for a while, Cooper had expected the number to be in months, like he’d just moved out of his old man’s basement.

When Zachy told him four years all Cooper had paused to consider was that Zachy did indeed know how to live independently and wouldn’t try to rely on Cooper for everything.

Funny how that thing he’d been so certain he hadn’t wanted was the one thing he longed for at the end of his days now.

Seeing the way Zachy loved to curl beside Gage on the couch and have his hair petted was the picture of domestic bliss. Zachy had looked so content and fell into his little space so naturally the moment Gage touched him, that Cooper hadn’t given in to the urge to lift his legs and slide beneath them on the couch, so he could hug him and pet a bit of skin too.

It was hard to believe that it had only been a few weeks since Gage had interjected himself into their relationship. Everything was starting to feel so natural, including the conversations he and Gage had when they were lounging around watching Zachy draw and play, or enjoying a game of football. Sometimes, Zachy sat beside the coffee table and worked on those terrariums and dioramas of his, always so sweet and hyper focused Cooper couldn’t believe he’d ever accused Zachy of never being able to sit still. It amazed him how patient Zachy was when he was creating, using long tweezers to position every rock and clump of moss, only gluing them in place when he was completely satisfied with the way everything was positioned.

Which reminded him of the surprise he had for Zachy tucked in the bottom drawer of his desk. He couldn’t wait to see Zachy’s face when he gave it to him, which meant he needed to bend his head to the task, focus and get shit done so he could go home and present his boy with the present he’d so carefully picked out.