4. I FEEL IT COMING

4

I FEEL IT COMING

Harvey

Two days in this place and I'm already bored out of my mind. I already hate college. Stealing these fifteen minutes is all I can do, with Jaden dragging us to these fucking parties every hour. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I ignore it because I know it's these mother fuckers asking about the damn food.

I would stay out longer if I wasn't hungry, too. My body is starting to feel the fatigue of the drugs and alcohol. But what can I do when remembering is all I do when I'm sober? Not that it helps because I still see her even when I'm high, but at least then sometimes I forget. I forget the pain and I see her smiling for me like she used to.

When I close my eyes, I see her jumping on top of me, trying to tickle me.

Her crying face flashes in my eyes and my heart crashes instantly.

"Fuck."

Fuck, not this again .

My chest constricts. Fuck. I need something.

Quickening my steps, I try to focus my mind on the blunt that's waiting for me at the house. The street of student houses has parties in many of them. Our house has a few cars parked out front and it's starting to fill with people.

Jaden is fucking doing this shit again. I don't care for social hierarchies. I care nothing for any of this shit. On top of that, these assholes decided we give her some space this week. I said that I was letting her go, but fuck that.

I know she doesn't want to see me, but fuck I want to. I want to so bad it feels like the need will fucking swallow me whole and spit me out as bones.

Will I ever get over it? Get over what happened.

Will I ever get over breaking her heart….

On good days, I wonder if she'll ever forgive me, if she can ever consider getting back together. But those are the worst. The hope is the worst. It's what keeps me in this cycle, even as I know I am slowly languishing.

I am a man walking in darkness. I need my light back. But I know it won't happen.

She won't forgive.

Faces turn to me as I walk in the driveway, a few smiling. We've already met some of them at Trevor's party. And what a party that was. But of course, all these people are here now. Sometimes I hate how easily we attract attention.

"Hey, Harvey," the high-pitched voice of the brunette who's been eye fucking me all day says.

I don't reciprocate anything. I mean, I've seen her fifty times. Fuck I look like?

Her face deflates, but fuck it. As I enter the house, another girl jumps before me. This one is drunk peering up at me.

"You are so hot." Her alcohol-filled breath wafts in my face, almost causing me to puke. Right in her face, too.

I know I drink all the time, but I hate that. When she elongates her hands to touch me, I move to the side and make sure I honor her with my coldest glare.

"Fuck you think you doing?"

Her face falls, and I hear a gasp from behind her. Must be her friend. I walk away, not interested in this conversation any longer, and stride into the kitchen.

"Dude! Where've you been?" Caleb jumps for the bag before I move it out of his reach.

"Say thank you," I say.

"Harv, I'm not doing this with you. Give me the food, I have the fucking munchies, man."

"I don't care. Say thanks."

"Fucking thanks, asshole," he says lifting a middle finger.

"That's better." I place the bag on top of the counter, and they dig in. Not many people are in the house yet. Mostly just hanging outside.

I pull the blunt out of Archer's lips.

"Hey, I was still smoking that," he protests.

"You aren't supposed to be smoking so much, asshole." And he isn't.

With his medication, he isn't supposed to have any substances. If he does, he should watch it. We have always watched him. But since she's been gone, it's been hard.

He may think I don't see, but I know about his late nights with the bottle. I just don't say much because I'm not an asshole. And because it's all my fault. All my best friends are fucking shattered because of my stupidity.

I have never hated anyone more than I hate that fucking girl. At this point, it's only jail preventing me from getting my hands on her. But my revenge will come. She will fucking regret what she did.

I plan to take it slow and make it hurt. I have been on her ass since this whole shit happened. People always say I'm impulsive and I don't think before I act, but if they only knew. If they only knew.

When I am finished with her, she will beg for death. She is the one person I will never let go. Even now I have a P.I. working on her. I want to gather everything about her, her family, her friends, boyfriend. If she has a fucking cat. Everything will fold on top of her head, and I will crush her with the weight of my wrath.

I used to think I hated my father, and I do, but I loathe her even more. My hate for her burns me in the deepest pits of my stomach. It's simmering for now, but one day when I'm ready, I will unleash all hell on her, and she will cry with no one to come to her rescue.

She will never have peace. Will never know it once I start with her.

"Are you plotting to end the world again, Brain?" Jaden throws an arm over my shoulder, and I glare at him.

"Yup, definitely one of those. Who is the subject of your wrath this time? Is it the barista? Did they flirt with you again?" Caleb jokes after expelling the smoke.

Archer jumps off the counter and goes to the fridge. My gaze follows him, and he scoffs at me. Asshole.

"Has anybody ever told you you're a psychopath?" Jaden says. I get out of his hold, and reach for an open beer in the middle of the table.

"You really should have a sandwich before you drink yourself to oblivion again," Archer says behind me.

"I don't remember you pushing me out of your pussy, Arch," I shoot back.

"If I had a pussy, sure wouldn't push out such ugly things like you. Sheesh."

"Let's stop before that goes further than it's supposed to." Caleb raises his hands.

We all chuckle. Silence befalling us after and I feel the slight discomfort coming before someone speaks.

"So, Caleb, you still taking Econ?" Jaden asks.

"Yup." He knocks half the bottle after answering. "I know we agreed to give her space to adjust for now, but…" Caleb trails off and he doesn't need to expand. We all know.

"I want to see her" Archer breaks through the tension.

"Are we seriously going to turn to stalkers?" Caleb asks.

"No, but it won't hurt to find out where she stays," Jaden says.

"It will fucking hurt," I remind them. "It will hurt a lot. I say let's leave it alone. Try and give her space. We will ruin her experience if we corner her so quickly." I take the blunt from Archer. "Let's just give her room. We have the whole year for everything."

"I can't believe you're the one with common sense out of all of us," Caleb laughs.

"Yeah well, we aren't boys anymore." I drag another pull.

"And don't be weird when you see her." Jaden points to Caleb who just shrugs.

"Look, I don't know what you assholes mean to do, but I am going to take my opening if I see it," Archer says.

"Just make sure that opening doesn't shut the rest of us out, butthead," Jaden warns.

We all laugh.

"You weird as shit sometimes," Archer says between laughs.

The night is spent binging again, but everything is a blur and at some point, I drag my ass to my room. In my dreams, I see her and she walks away from me by the end of the dream.

When I wake the next day, it is to a filthy house, with people passed out on our floor. After I kick them all out, we clean. Tonight is the last night before the academic year officially begins and we are going to Trevor's party.

It's later in the evening when we walk over to their street, arriving as the party is raging on. My gaze rakes over the students. I know its fucking idiotic to think I will see her here, but fuck I won't deny I'm hopeful.

"Yo!" Trevor calls from the living room where the pool table takes up the center of the room, where all the athletes are. A few eyes turn to us, and we walk.

"Yo, what's up!" Jaden launches himself to Trevor's handshake first. I have been friends with Jaden since kindergarten, but it still amazes me how easily he makes friends and gets people to give him exactly what he wants. It's like they all bend to him.

"The future kings are gracing us with their presence," Logan says rounding the table.

I don't know why, but I don't like the guy. There's nothing wrong with him, he's just too…normal. And for some reason, I find that suspicious.

I do what's necessary and step into my public persona. Grabbing drinks, we join the pool table. And I am constantly avoiding the fuck me eyes all the girls keep making. If I was the old me, I'd get one of them to suck me off right here. But lo, those days have come and gone.

I'm holding out a candle for someone who hates my fucking guts.