24. A PRIDE THING

24

A PRIDE THING

Summer

The day goes by without a hitch. I've been going over everything. What I need to do.

I have to leave Logan. Especially now that I have been unfaithful. I can't subject anyone to that.

Chores and the little errands done for the day, I sit at my desk. It feels a little lonely without Hazel to talk to. My anger at her is starting to subside, especially after what I've done. In a way, they all were right. I did exactly what they said I would. I bit off their heads for nothing.

I sigh. Do I crawl back to her and apologize, or do I just let it burn? I mean, Hazel is a really cool person and I like being around her. But she's close with Logan and if I'm planning to dumb him, I'll never hear the end of it from her.

Decisions, decisions.

Deciding to be a big girl, I get up and head to her room. Music and people talking greet me, before I knock.

Trevor opens the door with a weird look.

"Summer Bailey."

The conversation dies inside, and I lift an eyebrow. Okay. Hazel walks up opening the door wider, revealing my very own boyfriend sitting on her bed and Lin and Landon sitting in some chairs. Once again, I am the killer of the vibe. I stand there with nobody saying anything for a few seconds before I turn my gaze back to Hazel.

"Haze, can I talk to you," I ask.

I can see the surprise clearly in her face. And because Hazel is a phony-ass friend, she turns to Logan and gives him a look. Like she asking him for permission to see me.

So, it's everyone against Summer. These fucking hoes. Whatever happened to girls before boys? What happened to the spirit of woman togetherness? Our foremothers did not fight so that we can be separated by men again. But I stand there, waiting, Trevor looking at me stone-faced.

I turn to Trevor slowly and stare at him pointedly, letting him know I am not the least shaken by this resistance. That he doesn't have to worry about his friend and me, and I will still have him if I want to and there is nothing any of them can do about it. Maybe it's a pride thing.

"Fine, but you have to say it in front of everyone," Hazel says.

She's fucking delusional if she thinks I am about to finesse her in front of these people.

"Hazel, you were my friend first and we fell out in private, I am not spilling my guts in front of them." Thankfully, I remain calm enough to say everything evenly, even if my insides are boiling.

She doesn't respond, just looks at her boyfriend who gives her a hard look.

Her hands are tied. It seems it's Logan I need to butter up first to get to her. Great. Just fucking great.

I step inside, trying to sit on the overwhelming arrogance I am feeling. They think I care about the ‘cool' club. I don't care about their status in this school or their future potential.

They are truly insane if they think they can fucking ice me out at their will. All I need to do is get to Logan, which I will, and then I will prove to them that this is in fact my show. How dare they think they can get me in line. Definitely a pride thing. I'll prove I don't need their approval and that I can play too.

I sit on the bed next to Logan.

"So, do you also want to have our very private conversation here with them, Lo?" I ask, staring at him, even when he looks away from me.

He reacts to the nickname, and I smile inside. "I was still coming to your room, Su."

I nod. "Lo, I'm just here to try and work things out with Haze then I was going to go to your house after. I got your message and I want to talk too," I say gently.

He turns to me finally. "I was coming to you after I leave here too."

"Yeah?"

He nods.

"So, do you want to talk now?" I'm careful to keep my voice even but sprinkle a little vulnerability in there, so it seems genuine.

I find myself following Logan out of Hazel's room. And give Trevor a last look before I leave. His glare makes me want to pat myself on the back. Logan is mine, he's fucking mine to do what I want with and fuck all of them.

I walk out after Logan, and he closes the door. We head to my room and he stands by the door with his hands in his pocket, looking in the direction of the window.

"Logan."

"Talk, Su."

Oh, so this is my show. Does he think I am doing the crawling here?

"Logan, you do remember you are the one that called me out of my name last time we spoke?"

"You saw your ex-boyfriend behind my back, Su."

"He is sick, Logan, and be honest, would you have been cool with me going to him?"

His jaw ticks. "Still, you should have been honest with me, Su. But you lied and denied that shit in my face."

"I was protecting your feelings. You didn't need to deal with all that."

"Protecting my feelings, huh? Do you know the type of shit people have started saying about you and by consequence, me?"

I shake my head and go to sit on my bed.

"They tell me all the time that you will leave me for all of them or one of them." He pauses. "And you know what's fucked up? I can't even argue with them on it because…Su, do you even feel anything for me?"

The amount of pain in his eyes breaks my heart. My lips move before I can think of it.

"Yes, yes I do."

Fuck. Why the fuck?

His face softens as he moves to sit next to me. He sits facing me taking my lightly sweating hands.

"Su, I love you. Now, can you tell me what it is I can do to make this work for us?"

I stare at him for a long while. I have no answers. So, I do the only reasonable thing and lean in and kiss him. I pull away when he doesn't fully reciprocate the kiss and I hold his face. This right now isn't about feelings or anything, it's about winning.

"Just…love me," I say softly against his lips.

He stares at me before kissing me fiercely. I return the kiss kicking myself inside.

This is not going how I wanted it to. I shouldn't have gone to Hazel's. If I just saw him without his friends we wouldn't be here. I would have broken up with him and I would be in Archer's arms.

Logan pushes me down on the bed and I let him. I feel a little bad for him. Being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings sucks. A part of me knows he will be devastated if I break up with him and I don't know if I want to cause someone else that sort of heartbreak. I know heartbreak and it's no joke. So what do I do?

I lay him down and pleasure him with my mouth again, and let him reciprocate. Pretending to come, and he doesn't even notice.

He is overjoyed, and we eat dinner together and watch a series. Before he holds me all night. After he's asleep, I cry myself to sleep.

What the fuck are you doing, Su?

***

The week is a blur and I feel like shit for multiple reasons. Being with Logan in a small way feels like cheating on Arch, even though Arch and I aren't dating. I feel like shit for not bossing up when it came to it, but I couldn't break Logan's heart. I'm just too pussy to do it, especially after he gives me one of his 'I love you' speeches.

I just feel bad for him.

I know how great it is to be with someone you love, and I don't know the devastation he'd feel if I broke his heart. He's already endured so much. He's been nothing but patient and faithful to me.

I haven't heard any of the rumors. But the few sources I have say he's always well-behaved when I'm not there. So, I don't even have a reason to shout at him. I'm fucking fucked. I had to date the one faithful football player. Just my fucking luck.

Especially after earlier this week. I was looking into his eyes while he was talking and my life flashed before my eyes. I saw a future with him. He was signed with a top team; I was the girlfriend and I stayed because I still felt bad.

It gave me goosebumps and not the good kind and I couldn't even tell him what was on my mind because he gave me those damn doe eyes. It's like he always knows when I'm thinking negatively about us and is always there with his kitten cries.

I can't bear to break his heart.

I'm fucking weak.

Nana would not approve.

I miss my family so much and won't even be able to make it next week for break. I have a mountain of tests and assignments when we come back. It's honestly a wonder I have time for dating at all.

Would he accept it if I said I want to break up because I have a lot of schoolwork?

I sigh, shaking my head. He'd probably find some way to make me feel bad that I have so much schoolwork and no time for him, and I'd end up saying I will manage.

Fuck my fucking life.

It pains me a little that the squad is still kind of icing me out. While Logan can't see past my bullshit, others definitely have keener eyes.

Hazel and I aren't actively at odds anymore, but there's reservation on her end. We talked and made up, but she wants us to take it slow because of how I'm treating Logan.

You'd swear she has personal shares in my relationship. I don't know why it matters to her so much. The other girls also pulled back, though their distance hurts less. Still though I miss our weekend shopping trips and just fun girly things we used to do. I don't even have them to critique my outfit, or Lin's unimpressed stare and blunt mouth.

But then there's Arch. I haven't seen him all week, and we've barely spoken. Just a text on Tuesday asking how I was.

It's a bit awkward now. I can't help knowing he will want more, and I know at some point I will have to choose.

But I don't trust myself to be alone with him right now, so I also haven't gone to him. I asked Caleb to check his sleeping for me though. Thankfully Arch slept three times this week, less than optimal but it's progress.

I don't know when I'll see him, but I do prefer it to be in public this time. Maybe I should ask him to have some coffee in the city. Preferably somewhere nice where most students can't afford.

I shake my head and look in my mirror at my outfit.

"You are insane, Su. Totally bonkers."

"No, I'm not crazy. I just need to check on him."

"Logan's goons may see you and you might need to give more head in the future."

I grimace.

"Fuck you, you weak ass bitch."

A knock pulls me out of my cycle down the cuckoo rabbit hole. Turning, I check my ass out in my skirt and wink at myself. The new skirt is a fucking fit. Makes my ass look like a juicy peach.

Schooling my face to a neutral, I jerk the door open.

"Boyfriend!" I beam at Logan, and he smiles, licking his lips before he kisses me. I giggle at his kiss, and he pulls back, checking me out.

"Spin for me," he requests.

Backing away, I oblige him and he lets loose an appreciative whistle.

"Sexy. I like it," he praises.

"You look hot too." I giggle.

"Are you ready to fuck out of here?"

"Yes, just…uh, my lip one last time…" I take my long-stay dark purple lipstick, and apply the same color gloss, then air kiss myself. "Done."

I take my phone and he escorts me out throwing a hand over my shoulders as we leave. He drives us to their party, this one the precursor to the Halloween party next week and everybody is buzzed about it.

I am not as excited, but what can you do but show face and smile and pretend you're there for the drugs and the dance floor with all those sweaty gyrating bodies?

Fuck my life.