Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Romeo

M y head is messed up. The last few days have been a blur. First was the meeting with the solicitor sorting out mum's will. Seriously, I didn't think she had anything to leave me, but turns out she had set up a savings account for me when I was born and also taken out a life insurance policy. All the years she had worked two jobs and struggled to bring me up, but she still made sure I had a nest egg for my future.

I tried to tell my aunt she should take it for my food and board, but she insists that the money is mine. Plus, I can't touch it yet anyway it is tied up until I turn 18. My uncle says it will help me if I want to go to university or I can take driving lessons and it will pay for a car. I got excited about the idea of my own set of wheels and the freedom that would come with it. I would be able to get about more up here, but more than that I could drive down to visit my friends.

I was still buzzing with ideas about what sort of car I might get as I hit call on the video chat to my best mate, Ryan. I knew something was up when he answered. He kept glancing past the phone screen. Finally, I called him out on it and the next thing I knew, my ex-girlfriend was sitting next to him. We broke up when I moved away; I mean it wasn't that serious, but it still came as a shock as they sat there telling me how happy they were as a couple. I asked how long they had been together. A week, a week after I left my best friend asked my ex-girlfriend out.

I made an excuse saying my aunt was shouting me from downstairs and hung up. Sarah, my ex messaged me five minutes later asking if I was okay, apologising, saying they didn't think I would be bothered, and Ryan was upset that he had upset me. I messaged back saying it was all cool and I would call later that my aunt wanted help with something.

Thing is I'm not bothered about them being together, it isn't that. How do I explain that what bothers me is that as soon as I was out of sight it was like they both just forgot I existed? If I had been there, they would never have got together, or at least they would have asked if I was okay with it before they started anything, but now? Fuck him, he isn't here, basically.

It is another reminder that the life I had is over and done with, people I thought were my best friends, that I believed would be in my life forever, are gone. My mum's death taught me not to take anything for granted, but I didn't expect to be ghosted out of my friend's life less than a week after we swore that we would be brothers for the rest of our lives.

My aunt actually does shout me just after I hang up and, although I don't really want to, I head to the dining room, it's a big deal to them that whenever they get the chance we sit down to eat together, my mum was the same.

"Have you decided what you want to do at college yet?" My uncle sits at the head of the table. His stern looks work well for him in court, but it took me some time to realise he is actually one of the nicest blokes anyone could ask to meet.

"No, every time I think I know I either change my mind or realise that I haven't done the right GCSE's for it. With everything going on with mum it seemed like the right thing to do, take subjects to allow more choice but seems everything I think about doing needs something I don't have."

"You know you can always take an extra year and do the subjects you need first, if you decide what career you want to go in." He inclines his head towards me, and I know he means well.

"I don't want to spend any longer in a classroom than I have to, plus I would feel a right idiot if I had to do an extra year and look like the village idiot being the oldest kid in the class for years."

"Why don't you look at the apprenticeships instead? I know your mum wanted you to go to college and university, but after what happened you could look into them. Depending on what you choose, you could end up with the same level of qualifications. I promise your mum just wanted you to find a job you loved, not one you just showed up at. I don't care if you take a gap year, if you can't decide yet. The main thing is to find something you can put your heart into."

My aunt barely looks up from her food as she speaks. I know it is still hard for her to talk about my mum. The other night, I overheard her crying again on the phone to one of her friends. She was saying how much she missed my mum, but also that she felt like she was failing her by not being able to help me. I want to tell her how much she has helped me, but the words never seem to come. Since the funeral, I do my best not to let her see me cry because it makes her feel bad. It's like we are stuck in a vicious circle. My emotions upset her, so I hide them, then she thinks she is failing me.

These are the times I feel most alone. I wish I had just one person I could really talk to. Once upon a time it would have been my mum, or my friends, but they are all gone now one way or another. I know I have to make my new life here, but it's hard slotting in when everyone already has their own established friend groups.

It's strange to say, but I'm actually starting to miss going up to the stables with my aunt on the days I don't go with her. There is no pressure there to really talk about anything important, and the hellos are said with genuine warmth. I found myself watching back the videos I took for my aunt. In the background, I can see people, not just the young girls, and everyone is smiling. And then, of course, is the video of Juliet.

I find myself wondering if she has a boyfriend? What sort of boys she is interested in? Is she interested in boys? I can't even ask anyone because it would start too many conversations and rumours. I'm not even sure I want a girlfriend. In fact, if you had asked me a few weeks ago it was the last thing I wanted. Am I only interested in her because I'm lonely?

But that spark when we touched? That has to be something.