Chapter Four

Chapter Four

A light breeze plays with the loose tendrils of my hair that have fallen out of my neatly done styling. It's still warm, the early autumn not having taken on any of the coldness of the coming winter yet. I hug my arms around my knees and gaze out at the city below.

Several shouts sound from further down the street, probably from newly chosen apprentices who are celebrating with their friends, rather than what I had to endure with another formal dinner with my parents. Never mind that Ben and I might want to celebrate our new Blessings with our friends, that doesn't matter more than their plan to become one of the most important families in the country, if not the world.

I let out a loud sigh. That's a lot of pressure to have one me, especially when I don't really want it.

But what's done is done. I suppose I could reject my Blessing, but I also don't want to do that. The will of the gods isn't something I want to turn my back on.

Footsteps sound on the roof behind me, but I don't worry about them. Only a few people come up here, and I don't mind if Ben's coming for a similar moment of quiet now he's Seth Blessed, or if Rash is sneaking up here to smoke away from the watchful eyes of our parents.

"I thought I'd find you here."

I look up, only slightly surprised to find Mesu heading over to me. "You didn't tell anyone else, did you?"

"No. Ben is already out on his date."

"I can't believe he's on a date tonight of all nights."

Mesu shrugs and sits down beside me and holds out a bottle of wine. "Can't you?"

I take it from him, my fingers brushing against his as I take it. "I guess not." It's Ben's way of escaping our parents' expectations. "Why aren't you out celebrating?"

"What do you think I'm doing here?" he asks.

"It's not exactly a roof party," I murmur.

"It's where I want to be," he says. "Things are going to be hectic for us all over the next few weeks."

"How does it feel being one of London's newest Seth Blessed?" I ask.

"Ben told you?"

"The minute he could," I respond. "Congratulations."

"And to you."

"Thanks." I take the wine bottle from him again and take a swig before giving it back.

"Where's your kite?" Mesu looks around as if expecting to spot the bird.

"At Nephthys' temple. She'll stay in the aviary until I move in, something about ensuring that she's properly cared for."

"Ah, I heard some of the other Blessed take their animals home with them."

"I'm sure they do." I hold out my hand for the wine bottle and he gives it back to me.

"Did you not want to go out celebrating with the others?" he asks.

I sigh and push a loose strand of hair behind my hair. "What's to celebrate, really? The intense pressure I'm about to be under with everyone staring at me and expecting more because of who my family is?" A bitterness creeps into my voice that I didn't mean to be there.

"I'm sure it's not going to be that bad," Mesu assures me.

"You don't understand the legacy," I murmur.

"Don't I?" Mesu raises an eyebrow, his expression saying that I've made a mistake. "I might not have Blessed parents, but I have a Blessed grandparent on both sides."

"You do?"

"Mmhmm."

"Who?" And how do I not know that?

"You won't know their names. On Mum's side, my grandad is Thoth Blessed, but he's the scholarly type who rarely interacts with anyone outside the temple if he can help it."

"That sounds like my kind of job," I muse.

Mesu chuckles. "On Dad's side, Gran is Ma'at Blessed, but up in Glasgow. She's never moved away."

"But neither of your parents are Blessed?"

"You know they aren't," he reminds me. "Your situation is unusual."

"Yes." I bite my bottom lip. "It scares me."

"Why?"

"Because if my parents are right and the gods have chosen me because they want to complete a perfect family of followers, then it's nothing about me. How can I be worthy of something as important as a goddess' Blessing?"

"I kind of think that's something for Nephthys to worry about, not you."

"Except that I do want to be worthy. I just don't know how to do that beyond what my family tell me to do."

"You've not even been Blessed for a day," Mesu reminds me. "Maybe give yourself time to figure it all out before you start falling apart."

"But that would be sensible." I lean in and bump my shoulder against his, almost losing my balance as I do.

He reaches out to steady me, the warmth of his hand kind of distracting, especially the way it feels against my skin.

I look up and meet his gaze, seeing all kinds of things in his eyes that are probably just a trick of the light. But the emotions of the day and the wine warming me give me other ideas. Mostly related to the thoughts I only ever have when I'm alone and there's no twin brother to get in the way.

Though I suppose Ben isn't here now either. It's just me and Mesu on a roof overlooking London.

Neither of us move, both seeming to be caught in some kind of trance. I wet my lip without meaning to, and his eyes lower in response.

My breath catches in my throat as I lean closer to Mesu. The air is tense with something , though I don't really know what it is. Or what to do with it. All I know is that I can feel something, and I want to give into it more than anything.

He reaches out and touches my cheek, my eyes fluttering closed in response. I know what's coming. It's not as if I've been living under a rock. I guess I just never realised that Mesu might be thinking the same things as me.

His lips brush against mine, almost so softly that I don't feel it. But I know , and there's no going back from that. I reach out and pull him closer.

We break apart, a daze settling over me. I look up at him and the reality of what just happened properly sets in. "We can't," I murmur, pulling back.

Mesu blinks a few times, genuine confusion coming over his face. "Because of Ben?"

"Because you're Seth Blessed."

"All right, you've lost me there. I'd have thought you'd be against kissing me because I'm friends with your brother."

I groan and rub a hand over my face. "You're Seth Blessed," I repeat.

"Yes. You said that. But what's that got to do with anything? Unless you're trying to say that you hate Seth or something."

"Of course not." I sigh and look down at my hands. "We kissed, now what?"

"We go on a date?" he suggests, looking half hopeful.

"And what about after the date?"

He flashes me a lopsided grin. "I guess that depends on how the date goes."

"Mesu!"

"What? I've been wanting to have this conversation for years."

I blink a few times. "You have?"

"Mmhmm."

"Oh." I don't know what to do with that. I wish he'd said something sooner, if he had, then my own answer might be different. I'd never even have considered the optics to our temples or what my parents would think. But now that's the only thing I can focus on.

"So, what's the problem with me being Seth Blessed?" he prompts.

"That I'm Nephthys Blessed," I whisper. "Mum and Dad have put so much pressure on the four of us being the Blessed of Nut and Geb's four children, and I just know what's going to happen if I say I'm dating someone from Seth's temple."

"Ah." Understanding seems to dawn on him. "They're going to think it's part of their plan from the gods."

"Pretty much."

He picks up the bottle of wine and holds it out to me.

I take it from him and drink some more. "The pressure just feels like it would be too much," I admit, though I probably don't need to, Mesu knows all about my anxiety and how it affects me by this point. "Because how long after I started dating someone Seth Blessed would they start pressuring me for a big fancy wedding? And how long after that would it be before they wanted a grandchild? And then you know that they're going to expect that child to be Anubis Blessed in eighteen years."

"Seth isn't Anubis' father," Mesu points out. "That's Osiris."

"Depends which story you read." Though I see his point.

"I guess they could pressure you into having an affair with someone from Osiris' temple," he muses.

"I wouldn't do that," I say.

"I know you wouldn't." The way he says it makes me believe that it's true.

I take a long drink of wine and hand the bottle back to him. "It just makes me feel like my whole life is already mapped out for me."

"Maybe it is."

"Not helpful," I mutter.

Mesu sighs and takes a sip of the wine. "I guess everything you've said is true, but your parents are going to pressure you no matter what option you take. Maybe you shouldn't let yourself get too caught up in it all and forget that you have to live life for yourself."

"I can't tell if you're wise or if you're just giving me the advice that could lead to the most chaos."

He chuckles, an inviting sound that I want to hear more of. But I can't. Even if there's a part of me that wants to hear more of what he has to say.

"I can't tell you that, or I'll give away all of my secrets," he teases.

"We can't have that, can we?" I respond.

"I'll still give away the secret that I think you're beautiful."

I glance down, unable to meet his gaze. "Mesu..."

"I know." His voice cracks. He clears his throat, seeming to get a bit of his composure back. "Maybe just think about what you do want as opposed to what you don't want."

I open my mouth to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about, but shut it again when I realise he kind of has a point. Even with my lips still tingling from our kiss, I'm telling him that I don't want anything between us because of how people will react and what it could mean, but that isn't actually about what I as a person want.

The only thing is that I'm not sure where Shan begins and where Shoshan, daughter of two of the most venerated Nut and Geb Blessed priests in the country, does.

"I should get going," Mesu says. "But you should take this." He holds out the rest of the bottle of wine to me.

"Are you sure?"

He nods. "I'm just going to go to bed. Knowing you, you'll be out here for hours still."

"Guilty as charged." I'm planning on staying here until Mum and Dad have gone to bed.

"Good night, Shan."

"Night, Mesu," I respond, trying not to think about how good my name sounds when he says it, almost like he's someone who sees the real me.

But I can't let myself get caught up in that fallacy. Things would be complicated if we pursued something, and I know that.

For some reason, that doesn't stop the ache within me as I watch him walk away.