Chapter 17

17

MEREDITH

One Month Ago

By the time Aspen is due to arrive at my place, I’m out of breath, my cheeks red with excitement. I can’t think of the last time I felt so much anticipation over meeting anyone, not even a hot date or a meeting with a potential sponsor. No, this trumps them all. I’m waiting for my best friend! The apartment has been tidied up, albeit in a rush, but it’s fine, as I’m not expecting Aspen to open up drawers and closets. I dropped an overnight bag for Luca at Clara’s and told her I have a big date tonight. I couldn’t bear to tell Clara that the “big date” is in fact a reconciliatory meeting with Aspen because, Clara being Clara, she’d just raise one eyebrow and say something along the lines of, “Finally you two are going to get over your little high school spat.” On the way home, I stopped by Trader Joe’s and grabbed all of Aspen’s favorite snacks, a rotisserie chicken, a salad, plus a bottle of prosecco and a bottle of rosé. We’ll be set for a proper girls’ night in. Right after she forgives me for everything, of course.

I jump when the bell rings. I dart from the living room to the front door, where I fling it open. “Aspen!” I shout, and fling myself at her. She’s wearing her hair differently (a short maroon bob), but despite that, she looks the same as ever, still the same old Aspen, and smells of her favorite shampoo and perfume. And tears fill my eyes because oh my gosh, why did we ever have a falling out? She seems taken aback by my greeting at first, but then her arms encircle me, and she hugs me back just as tightly. When we let go, we’re both laughing and crying. “Come in,” I say through my happy tears.

Once she’s inside, Aspen lifts a bottle of champagne. “I know you said not to bring anything, but I feel like we’re about to have a celebration.”

I laugh and take the bottle from her. “Come on in. Have a seat while I open this. You look amazing, I love what you’ve done with your hair!” My heart is hammering away so hard against my rib cage. Aspen is here. After so long away from each other’s lives, she’s finally here again, in my apartment. My thoughts clash with one another as I go into the kitchen to open the champagne.

I’m so tempted to not tell her anything. Not about the iPad, the meetings I stole, the trolls I incited, and definitely not about kissing Ben. How easy it would be to simply sweep all of that stuff under the rug. Pretend I know nothing about them. I can see it unfolding in my mind’s eye. Me pretending to be horrified when she tells me about the meetings she’s missed and the industry people who have inexplicably snubbed her. Me nodding with empathy when she tells me about her marriage problems. Tempting. So tempting.

But then I think of that look on Liv’s face. The sheer contempt. Like she knows for a fact that I am beneath her. And can I blame her? I am beneath her. I’ve betrayed my best friend in countless unforgivable ways. And maybe the first step in absolving myself is to finally tell Aspen the truth. I’m going to do it. Though maybe it can wait until after we’ve had a couple rounds of drinks. I’m definitely in need of liquid courage.

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” Aspen says as I walk into the living room carrying two flutes of champagne.

I snort. “I literally have not done anything to it that you haven’t already seen.”

She laughs. “Okay, I guess I was just making nervous conversation.”

I lift my glass. “To friendship.”

She grins. “To friendship.” We both drink.

Before Aspen can say anything, I blurt out, “I’m sorry.”

She lowers her glass, staring at me hesitantly. “I lost my shit at you and it wasn’t even your fault. None of it was your fault.”

Her face softens. “Oh, Mer, it’s fine—”

“No, it’s not fine. I was a huge bitch and you deserved better. So I’m sorry.”

Aspen puts her hand on mine and squeezes it. “Thank you.”

I sigh with relief. There. I’ve apologized, and we can both move on.

“So—” we both say at the same time, then laugh. “You first,” I say.

“Okay.” Aspen tucks her shiny hair behind one ear. “What’s been going on with you? Mer, you’ve grown so huge! Online, I mean. Not like, in person. In person you’re as skinny as ever,” she says with a wink.

“Um, yeah, I guess I have been growing online.”

“Dude, fuck ‘growing,’ you blew the hell up!” Aspen cries. “I mean, you have what, three million followers on TikTok now? That is amazing growth. Seriously, I’m so proud of you!” She puts an arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “I always knew you were going to be a huge star.”

There is no condescension in her voice. Not a single patronizing note. I look at Aspen and wonder how the hell I could’ve read her so wrong all those months ago? All I see now is sincere happiness shining through her eyes as she goes on and on about how well deserved my success is. And the purity of her joy is like a knife stabbing right into my chest. Because of course, I don’t deserve any of it. The only reason I became so successful in the past couple of months is because of Elea’s iPad. I should tell Aspen the truth. But the thought of it crushes me, pressing down on all sides until I’m compressed into one single hard lump.

“Oh, you know,” I say, waving vaguely. “I got lucky. Got a couple of good collabs and…yeah.”

“About freaking time,” Aspen says. “You deserve it.”

I drain my glass and refill it; then, when the guilt overwhelms me, I excuse myself to run to the kitchen to fetch us more snacks. When I come back, Aspen is finishing her own glass of champagne.

“So what about you? What have you been up to? How are the girls?”

Aspen’s smile wanes. I lift the bottle to refill her glass and realize with a start that it’s finished.

“Wow, we went through that fast,” Aspen says.

I narrow my eyes at her. “I know it’s early, but do you wanna—”

“Prosecco?” she says.

We shriek with laughter. Oh my god, it feels so good to have my best friend back. I jump up and go to the kitchen, and Aspen trails behind me, filling me in on the details of her life.

“Noemie’s the same old sweetheart,” she says, and I smile at the thought of my quiet, sweet goddaughter. “Yesterday, she saw that I was having a really tough day, and she wrote me this card.” She takes out her phone and shows me a picture of a card written in childish cursive. It says, “Mommy plees don’t be sad you are the best mommy in the werld.”

“Aww!” I say. “Noemieee, god, what a sweetie.” I take out the prosecco from the fridge and pour some into two clean glasses. We make our way back to the living room. “What about my little firecracker Elea?”

Aspen rolls her eyes and takes a large gulp of prosecco. “You know what she’s like. Six going on sixteen. Oh my god, I can’t even imagine what she’ll be like as a rebellious teen.” She makes a face.

I laugh. “Come on, of the two of them, Elea’s the one who takes after you, you know.”

She gives a rueful smile. “I know. And Sabbie misses Luca.”

“Aww, Luca misses Sabbie too.”

Aspen releases a defeated sigh. “And Ben…”

Despite the pleasant fuzz from all the alcohol, the mention of Ben makes my stomach clench. Did he mention me to Aspen? The thought sends a cold trail of fear crawling up my neck. No, don’t be so freaking stupid, of course he didn’t. If he did, she wouldn’t be here, sharing a bottle of prosecco with me. I force myself to release my breath.

“Ben’s been so distant,” Aspen says. “And my accounts aren’t growing fast enough. I’ve been missing meetings and stuff…it’s all been pretty shit, actually. Oh, and remember those troll comments I started getting a few months back? They’ve grown even worse now.”

My guts are writhing and twisting. I want to throw up. Somehow, I manage to bite my tongue and keep myself from saying anything.

Aspen laughs, and it’s a horrible, wobbly sound. “I don’t understand what’s been going on. Why I’ve been so scattered, how I managed to miss all those meetings—it’s been horrible.” Her gaze locks on mine and my heart stops because I can tell, in this awful moment, that she’s going to tell me she knows what I’ve done.

Instead, Aspen says, “Honestly, Mer? I’ve been a mess without you,” and of all the things she could’ve said, this is the one that breaks me. Because the only reason why she’s been a mess is me.

Tell her! everything inside me screams. And still, I don’t. I say, “Me too.” And I smile at her.

“I swear,” Aspen continues, “I’m on the brink of losing everything. Ben can barely stand to look at me, and when he does, all I see is revulsion.” Her eyes shine with tears. “That’s crazy, right? But I can’t divorce him. The girls would be devastated. And how would it look to my followers? If they leave me, I’ll be nothing.”

“You’ll never be nothing,” I cry. “You’re All Day Aspen! You’ll be fine.”

Aspen smiles sadly at me. “Thank you for saying that. Even though you’re lying through your teeth.”

“No, seriously.” I reach out to pat her shoulder, but somehow, all I touch is air, and before I know it, I’ve lost my balance. I land on my knees on the carpet. “Wow,” I laugh. “How much have I drunk?”

Aspen just sits there, staring at me. “Not much. That would be the mix of drugs I slipped into the champagne.”

“Whaaaa?” My voice comes out from far, far away.

“Mer,” Aspen sighs. “I gave you every chance to tell me the truth.”

I try to get up, but the world sways, and one moment, everything is upright. The next moment, I seem to be seeing everything sideways. I blink, and blink again, and try to form words, but they come in a jumble that makes no sense. Something pushes me from my side to my back so I’m now staring up at the ceiling. A face swims into view. I’m confused when I see it. Aspen? But we’re not talking to each other. I smile at her. I’m glad she’s here even though we’ve been fighting for so long.

“That day you stole into my house, the security system alerted me that there was movement on our property. I logged on, and lo and behold, what do I see on my screen but my own best friend snooping around in the backyard like a fucking cat.” Aspen snorts. “I had no idea what the hell you were doing. Actually, I was so dumb; for a moment, I thought you’d come to apologize. I thought you were going to leave a bouquet of roses or a letter or something for me. Imagine how shocked I was when you stole Elea’s iPad. What the fuck, Mer? You know how messed up that is? I had to punish Elea for losing her iPad because I didn’t want Ben to know what you did. Look what you made me do. Punish my own kid for something she didn’t do. Although maybe that’ll teach her not to leave her shit out in the backyard.”

Aspen crouches down and picks up the wineglass from next to me. Dimly, I want to tell her not to bother cleaning up, that she’s a guest here. A small voice is screaming at me to focus. Something bad is happening, but I don’t understand what. Maybe the bad thing is the prosecco spilling on the carpet. I need to get baking soda and vinegar on that before the stain sets in.

“For the next few weeks, I watched my accounts like a hawk,” Aspen continues. “Did you never stop to wonder why I didn’t change our passwords when Elea’s iPad went missing? Did you really think I was that dumb?”

Of course not , I want to say. Naive, maybe, but not dumb. My eyes close. Sharp pain whacks into my cheeks, and my eyes fly open.

“Wake up, Mer,” Aspen snaps. “You can’t go to sleep yet. Not before I explain to you exactly why I’m doing this.”

I’m pretty sure my eyes are blinking at different rates. I think I manage to nod.

“I watched as my appointments were switched around. I turned up at the correct time and watched from afar as you swooped in and took all those meetings for yourself. I followed your accounts and saw all the videos you copied.”

I open my mouth to explain that yes, I might have copied a few of her videos, but imitation is the best form of flattery.

She’s shaking her head and laughing a little. “I didn’t even care that I was missing these meetings, some of which took months to set up. All I could think about was what you were doing. And I made sure to turn up at the wrong time, too, in case you were still watching me. And you know what? I don’t even really care about the whole Ben thing. Oh yeah, I know you and Ben were sneaking around behind my back. Because I’ve been following you, Mer, ever since you took Elea’s iPad. Seeing what you’ve been up to. My husband, as it turns out. But who cares? Ben’s a fucking loser. If you wanted him, I would’ve given him to you. You know why, Mer? Because you’re my best friend.” Her voice shakes then, turning rough, and tears shine in her eyes, which makes me sad. I want to tell her I’m sorry, that I don’t want Ben, I just want her, because she’s my best friend too.

“But the thing is, Mer, you fucked with my business. My brand is the only thing keeping me and my kids going. What would happen to Noemie’s healthcare if I were to lose my brand? Did you ever stop to think of that, Mer?”

Shame burns every part of me. She’s right. I didn’t. I never once stopped to think about how my actions would hurt my beloved goddaughters.

“You, of all people, know exactly what it took for us to get this far. I waited to see how far you’d go. But I also waited long enough to come up with a plan.” She leans down so her face is mere inches away from mine, and now I can feel the cold rage radiating from her. Now, I finally feel scared. I try to push her off, but my hands aren’t listening to me. Nothing seems to be working. “You’re supposed to be my ride or die, Mer,” Aspen whispers. “If you’re not going to be my ride, then you might as well die.”

I am your ride or die , I want to say, but Aspen leans to one side and picks up something. A cushion with a gray-and-yellow chevron print. Wait, I say, but she lowers it onto my face, and I find that I can’t say anything much at all.