Chapter 17

Friday night as we walked through the open field leading to the bonfire, I suppressed the first bout of nerves.

Years ago, this had been a part of a farm but when the owners decided to sell, they subdivided the land. Mr. Donald had the property on the westernmost end and as kids we'd considered it the best since it included the massive barn that had become our favorite place to hang out.

"Oh good. People are already here." Tana huffed a little as she dragged a rolling cooler filled with wine and ice while I lugged a bag she'd filled with cups, paper towels and you guessed it, more wine.

I looked up to see that she was right. Several small groups of women were already gathered around the small fire. Behind them a group of guys tossed around a football.

Instantly I felt like I was teleported back to high school.

After years of being the new kid, I'd never really felt comfortable at parties. The only reason I'd had friends in high school was because Tana, social butterfly that she was, knew everyone.

Someone had brought a folding table and there was a keg on it already. Tana set the cooler on the ground and then immediately opened it to take out a bottle of wine.

"I don't know about you but I really need this," she said and twisted the cap off.

I reached into the bag I carried and pulled out two plastic cups. She poured a generous serving in both.

"Cheers. Here's to us."

I took a small sip of mine before looking around. "How many people have lost their virginity in that barn, do you think?"

Tana shrugged. "Not me. I'm too classy. I was more of a lower the tailgate on your truck kind of girl."

We were still snickering when we walked up to the small group of people already gathered around the fire. Piper saw us and waved her hands in the air. There were several other women sitting with her around a picnic table. Two of the blondes were waving, trying to get Tana's attention.

"You guys have a picnic table now? Fancy. To think we used to sit on the ground and drink beer we stole from your dad."

Tana laughed. "Rix made it from some spare lumber after he fixed the fence."

Of course he did.

I looked across the field to the fence in the distance. Logically I knew it must be there to separate the land from someone else's property, but I honestly wasn't sure why Mr. Donald bothered. There were so many trees there it was a natural barrier. Plus, as kids we'd always scaled that fence so we could play in the woods anyway.

But it must have meant something to Mr. Donald if he kept it. And of course, Rix would fix it. Because it was clearly too much for me to hope for one night without thinking about him.

I took a deep breath, determined not to let the ghost of naked Rix haunt me all night. Not wanting to tip Tana off to my interest, I'd deliberately not asked if he was coming. This was my chance to get a little room to breathe.

Everywhere I turned at home, he was there.

Eating shirtless in the kitchen, lounging his big muscular body all over my gran's furniture and staring at me like he could see straight through my clothes.

I sent up a wish for some cute guys to show up. There weren't that many single guys in town according to Tana, but I would settle for some distracting eye candy. Anyone who wasn't tall with dark hair and hazel eyes.

Anyone.

"Charlie, do you remember the Taylor sisters? This is Cassidy and Cora." Tana pointed out the two blondes. Both seemed friendly enough and I relaxed a little.

"I'm not sure if you've met Beth yet," she said, pointing out a woman with wavy, dark hair. "She's super sweet but obviously has very bad taste since she's banging my brother."

I choked. The small sip of wine I'd just taken burned as it went up my nose.

"Van Halen," Tana emphasized, her dark eyes narrowing as she observed my reaction. "She's dating Van."

"Right. Of course." I swiped some of the wine off my chin, avoiding her eyes.

Beth laughed. "It isn't like you don't have a million brothers, Tana."

"Two of them are practically infants so they don't count," she sniffed.

The Evers had unexpectedly had two more kids when we were in our early teens, much to Tana's disgust. Campbell and Beck were almost teenagers now but to us, they would always be the first reminders that "old" people had sex.

I grinned. "I'm sure they love that you still call them infants."

"At least they're potty trained now." Tana smiled.

"Anyway, it's nice to meet you, Beth."

"Nice to meet you, too. Now that you guys are here, we can get this party started. Despite what Tana thinks, I do more than just her brother. I also brought the tunes!" She held up a little portable speaker.

"Yes. Let's get this party started!" Tana whooped.

Soon Dua Lipa was on the air and everyone was swaying to the music. Tana shimmied her shoulders playfully before dancing around Piper. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and a genuine smile crossed my face when Carter hugged me.

"Hey. You made it. We weren't sure you'd be back in town."

He ran a tired hand over his face. "Yeah. Tana's message came right as I was leaving DC. Going back and forth is taking its toll. I might have to make some hard decisions soon."

"Sorry to hear about your dad."

He accepted a beer that someone thrust in his hand. "He's getting better, just not as fast as his doctors hoped. But enough about that. How are things going with the house?"

I was in the middle of telling him my dream plan for renovating the kitchen when Rix suddenly appeared next to the beer table. He didn't look over, but I could feel his judgment hitting me like a wave.

What the hell was his problem? I'd left the house to get away from him and still couldn't escape his grumpy glares. And why was he staring daggers at Carter? Weren't they friends?

I hadn't had enough wine to even try to figure out what was going on in Hendrix's brain. But I wasn't leaving just because he'd put his boxers on the wrong way. He could glare at my back all night long if he wanted.

I focused all of my attention on Carter. "Do you want to dance?"

Carter looked a little startled at the complete change of subject, but he shrugged so we moved closer to the fire. Over the last hour, darkness had fallen and more people had shown up, some I recognized, some I didn't. Things had gotten rowdier now that everyone was a few beers in and soon Tana was yelling back and forth over the fire to a guy on the other side that I vaguely remembered being a little older than us.

"Everybody remember the time Greg got so drunk he ran through the fire?" Tana yelled.

Greg made a face. "Are we going down memory lane? Because I remember you decided it was too hot and took your top off that same night!"

Tana smirked. "Did I scare you away? Or was that your first time seeing a woman hot and bothered?"

The group erupted into laughter. I laughed politely even though I had no idea what they were talking about. The events in question must have happened during senior year or afterward.

Everyone else here was bound by a lifetime of memories while I was only working with puzzle pieces. No matter how much I tried, I would always be the one who couldn't relate to all the stories or who might or might not remember some funny thing that happened.

It was so strange to be back here ten years later, jumping back into the life I could have had if things had been different.

If Gran had lived.

Suddenly I felt very alone.

There was only a little bit of wine left in my cup so I tipped my head back and gulped it all. I didn't want to think about what-ifs and all the things that had gone wrong. For once I just wanted to exist in the moment.

I wanted to feel free.

I wanted to feel everything.

Carter held his cup in one hand and put his other arm around my waist. The music had changed to a slower country song and as I closed my eyes, it was so easy to pretend that life was simple.

Gran's house was already renovated.

My mom and Billie were safe and happy.

The shoulder I leaned on belonged to a man who loved me and I never had to wonder how much.

Halfway through the song I opened my eyes. A few feet away Hendrix stood on the edge of the dancing throng watching us. In his eyes I could see a promise of all the same things I'd just imagined and a burning desire for the arms holding me to be his.

I wasn't sure how long we stared at each other, but our standoff was only broken when someone stepped between us. The young woman was pretty with long brown hair styled in one of those elaborate waterfall braids I thought only existed on Pinterest.

She put her hands on Rix's chest like she had every right to touch him so intimately. Apparently, she thought they were alone since her hands didn't stop at his chest, roaming down like she was about to grab his dick in front of everyone.

He caught her hand, but his lips quirked in that stupid half smile that looked so good on him. He whispered something, hopefully instructions on how to keep her hands to herself, but must not have been since she didn't look upset. No, she looked quite happy with herself and why wouldn't she? Any woman would be thrilled to be where she was standing.

Including me. In the rapidly fading light with the heat of the bonfire raging behind me, I could admit that she had what I wanted.

What I wanted but couldn't have.

Rix clearly didn't mind her pawing all over him because he didn't push her away. His arm was draped loosely around her waist as he talked to her and he looked happy enough. Maybe she was what he wanted. His eyes met mine. Then my heart banged against my chest when he leaned down to kiss her.

"Charlie. Are you okay?" Carter's arm tightened around my waist when I swayed.

I shook my head, suddenly dizzy from the combination of the heat from the fire and the wine. "I think I need to sit for a while."

"Of course."

He helped me over to the picnic table. Someone scooted over so I could perch on the end. I rested my head on my arms and the dizziness subsided.

"What's the matter with her?" Tana's voice sounded like it was far away.

"I think she had too much wine." Carter's hand was still on my arm and I wanted to shrug it off, but I was too tired.

Without raising my head, I said, "I'm okay. I didn't even have that much wine but I think I stood too close to the fire."

A deep voice grumbled right behind me. "I'll take her home."

I sat up slowly and glared at Rix. The girl who'd been climbing him like a tree was still over by the fire. Her eyes followed his every move as he knelt next to me.

"That's not necessary. I don't want to make you leave your friends."

Now that I was away from the heat, I felt much better but I was still a little dizzy. Going home and curling up in bed sounded heavenly but that didn't mean I wanted to leave with Rix.

Carter leaned over. "I can take her home?—"

"We're going to the same place anyway," Rix interrupted. He took my arm and helped me stand.

Tana gave me a hug goodbye. "I'll call you tomorrow."

I nodded. Rix led me back toward the long driveway where we'd all parked our cars.

"I didn't mean to end your night early."

He shrugged. "It's fine. You've been to one bonfire, you've been to them all."

The further we got away from the fire, the darker it was. I tripped slightly over a rock and Rix grabbed my arm to steady me.

"Thanks. I'm just saying I feel bad for ruining your night. You can drop me off really quickly and then come back."

He stepped in front of me so I was forced to look at him. "Charlie, I'm exactly where I want to be. Okay?"

"Okay."

When we reached his pickup truck, he opened the door and helped me up into the cab. I sucked in a surprised breath when he leaned over me to fasten the seatbelt. On any other day I would have slapped his hands away or told him I could do it myself but instead I didn't say anything. For once it didn't feel like he was being pushy or high-handed but like he was taking care of me.

How long had it been since anyone had tried to do that?

When the metal belt snapped into place, the sound was loud in the quiet cab of the truck. The only other sound was the faint voices in the distance and the soft hush of our breathing. In that moment I felt more peace than I had in weeks.

Because I was exactly where I wanted to be, too.

* * *

The quiet between us lasted all the way home. Hendrix did his usual strong and silent thing, and I didn't feel compelled to fill the space between us with conversation. Once we pulled up to the house, I tensed. Maybe it was because we were going back into our usual environment, but I suddenly felt really odd about being alone with him.

He unlocked the front door and motioned for me to precede him. I leaned down to greet Meatball, ignoring Rix hovering over my shoulder.

"Were you good while I was gone?"

My eyes swept over the floor tentatively just in case he'd left any presents in the few hours I'd been gone. I didn't like leaving him alone at such a young age so I fully expected him to have shown his displeasure with a puddle or two.

After a quick walk so Meatball could visit his favorite trees, we came back inside. I'd expected Rix to be gone but he was still standing in the living room, like he was waiting for us. I took Meatball's leash off and he immediately attacked one of his squeaky toys.

When I stood up, Rix was still watching me.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

The words were simple enough on the surface. Maybe it was the brooding look on his face or an undercurrent in his rumbling voice but there was something dangerous about the question that sent a shiver down my spine.

"I had a great time tonight hanging out with my best friend. It was perfect."

There was only a small tick in his jaw that betrayed his agitation. "That's your idea of a good time? Getting drunk and making yourself sick? What the hell was Carter doing letting you have that much wine?"

"Letting me? No one lets me do anything. Newsflash: I can take care of myself. And what is your obsession with Carter? You glared at him all night."

"How would you know what I was doing unless you were watching me?"

"It was a little hard not to notice your girlfriend trying to grab your dick in front of everyone."

"Ex-girlfriend," he stated quietly as he moved closer.

"You kiss your ex-girlfriend?"

He chuckled. "I kissed her on the cheek. I'm trying to keep it civil. Breaking up doesn't mean you have to be enemies."

Swallowing, I took a step back but bumped up against the wall. He kept coming, using his big body to crowd me. But instead of feeling threatened, my blood rushed, every nerve ending tingling at the prospect of being close to him.

Not wanting him to know just how off-balance he made me feel, I raised my chin defiantly, staring him right in the eyes.

"She seems a little obsessed with you, Rix. You probably shouldn't lead her on."

He looked away and for a brief moment I wondered if what I'd said had hit a nerve. Then he glanced back with his usual smirk in place and the moment was gone.

"I'm sure that surprises you. You may not like me, but that doesn't mean no else does."

"Whatever. I don't care. You can date anybody you want."

"That's not true."

He leaned over and now I could feel the brush of his breath over my hair. Why was he so close?

"W-Why not?"

"Because the one I want hates me."

At his words, my eyes flew up to meet his. What was he talking about? I was caught off guard by the vulnerable expression on his face. I wasn't used to serious Rix. He had to be teasing me.

"You shouldn't say things you don't mean."

"I never do," he whispered.

We stared at each other for what felt like hours. It was like seeing him for the first time. His hair was still slightly too long and flopped over eyes that weren't sure if they wanted to be green or brown. The nose I'd once wished one of his brothers would punch was covered in a light dusting of freckles I'd never noticed before but found unexpectedly charming.

"Why are you telling me this?" I finally asked.

"The same reason you didn't like seeing me with Janelle. The same reason I wanted to rip Carter's arms off. Because I want you and you want me."

His blatant words were thrilling but also made me panic. I couldn't even fathom admitting I felt the same way only to find out this was another one of his sick jokes.

"I don't even like you."

He didn't have the decency to be offended by the mean words. Instead they made him smile.

"You don't have to. I can like you enough for the both of us."

I melted a little at that before grasping desperately for the last bit of resolve I had left. He didn't get to do this to me.

Wasn't there some rule that you weren't allowed to be evil your whole life and then turn around and say the most unexpectedly sweet things?

But then he did something I could never have expected. He took my face between his hands and pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. Somehow it was more affecting than a steamy kiss could have been.

This was more than just I want you.

This was I care for you.

I cherish you.

"You still don't like me?" he whispered.

"Nope."

He kissed me again but lower this time, his lips against my cheek. "What about now? Getting warmer?"

"I still don't like you and we are not friends," I insisted but my voice was a little too breathy to be believable.

Hendrix clearly heard it because he gave me that cocky grin I loved and hated. "We don't have to be friends for me to make you scream, right?"

My mouth went dry. "I can't disagree."

"Good. Let me know if you still hate me in an hour."