Chapter 19

nineteen

. . .

Hillary’s hands trembled as she gripped them together, her knuckles turning white. Thankfully, the driver didn’t seem to notice the tension swirling through her as he drove silently. The car turned with ease and didn’t race, a complete difference to the chaos inside her head.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered to herself, her voice cracking. “I’m going to ruin everything. The movie, the article for Muse, my entire career.” Hillary tried to force herself to breathe out and in, but the action just wouldn’t come easily.

The weight of her doubts pressed down on Hillary, suffocating her with every passing mile toward the hotel. The road seemed to stretch endlessly before her, mirroring the stretch of uncertainty that lay ahead. She couldn’t shake the feeling of impending failure, the fear that she would falter at this critical moment in her life.

As the car wound through the city streets, Hillary’s mind wandered to all the ways she could stumble and fall. What if she froze in front of the camera, forgetting her lines and betraying her lack of acting experience? What if her awkwardness overshadowed Julius’ effortless performance, exposing her inadequacy in stark contrast? The scenarios played out like a cruel montage in her mind, each scene more damning than the last.

The pressure to succeed bore down on her like a relentless storm, threatening to wash away everything she had worked so hard to build. The thought of disappointing Olivia, of proving all her self-doubts right, made her heart ache with a depth she hadn’t known before. How could she face herself in the mirror if she failed so spectacularly on this grand stage?

Hillary’s breaths came in shallow gasps now, each one a struggle against the rising tide of panic within her. She felt like a tiny boat adrift in a tempestuous sea, at the mercy of forces beyond her control. The film set loomed closer with every passing second, a stark reminder of the challenges awaiting her on the other side.

“Miss? Are you alright back there?” Dark brown eyes looked at her through the rear-view mirror, concern shining at her.

“Yes,” she tried to force the calm she didn’t feel. “Just tired. Ready to get back.”

He nodded, content with her answer and then his gaze shifted out of the mirror.

Despite her best efforts to steady herself, Hillary couldn’t escape the gnawing sense of dread that coiled tight around her heart. The prospect of stepping into this new role, both on and off-screen, felt like an insurmountable mountain looming over her fragile form. She was teetering on the edge of a precipice, unsure if she had the strength to leap or if she would be swallowed whole by the abyss below.

Julius’s encouraging words echoed in her mind. The way he looked at her with those captivating blue eyes, making her feel like she could conquer the world. Like she was meant for something greater than hiding behind her notebook and pen.

Each word he had spoken felt like a lifeline thrown to her from a world she had only dreamt of.

Hillary shook her head, trying to dispel everything he’d made her believe because he’d absolutely lost his mind. Just like she had. What was she thinking, letting him convince her she could be an actress? She was a journalist, not a movie star. This whole thing was a huge mistake.

“I have to get out of here,” she muttered, running a hand through her chestnut hair. “I need to go back to New York, back to my desk at Muse. Where I belong.”

But even as the words left her lips, a small part of her hesitated. The part that had come alive under Julius’s gaze, that had felt the thrill of stepping out of her comfort zone.

The hotel loomed ahead, its bright lights a beacon in the night. Hillary’s heart raced as she walked, the building growing closer and closer.

The car finally came to a stop, jolting Hillary back to reality with a brutal force. She sat there for a moment, eyes fixed on the glass hotel doors, somehow a beacon of dread that called her forward.

“Thank you,” she rushed the words out, never more grateful than this moment that it was a paid driver and not an Uber or taxi driver she would have to pause to pay.

The car door slammed shut as Hillary burst out, her heels clicking frantically against the polished marble lobby floor. She raced past the receptionist, barely registering their friendly greeting as she sprinted toward the elevators. Her heart pounded in her chest as she fumbled for her keycard, desperate to reach her room and escape reality for just a moment longer.

After several attempts, the door finally swung open, and Hillary stumbled inside. She let it close behind her with a resounding thud, leaning against it heavily as if to barricade herself from the outside world.

The room was silent, save for her ragged breathing. She was alone with all her dangerous thoughts and fears. All the worries and terror that would no doubt suffocate her until she couldn’t stay awake any longer, and maybe in the morning she would wake up feeling differently.

Hillary kicked off her shoes and staggered toward the bed, collapsing onto the plush comforter. She curled into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest as the tears began to flow.

“What have I done?” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I’m not an actress. I can’t do this. Olivia’s going to fire me without an article, and then what? I’ll have nothing left. Not even the dream I’ve been so close to grasping.”

The tears came faster now, streaming down her cheeks in hot rivulets. Hillary buried her face in a pillow, trying to muffle the sobs that wracked her body. She felt like a complete and utter failure, like she had let everyone down - Olivia, Julius, but most of all, herself.

I should have never agreed to this , she thought miserably. I’m not cut out for the spotlight. I belong behind the scenes, where I can blend into the background and observe. Not out there on display for the whole world to see.

Hillary’s mind raced with worst-case scenarios, each more devastating than the last. She pictured Olivia’s disappointed face, the way her hazel eyes would harden as she delivered the news that Hillary was fired. She imagined Julius’s crestfallen expression when he learned she had quit, the light in his blue eyes dimming as he realized she wasn’t the woman he thought she was.

“I can’t face them,” Hillary choked out between sobs. “I can’t face anyone. I just want to disappear.”

She reached for her phone with trembling hands, desperate to hear a friendly voice. Her sister. To tell someone, anyone, that she had made a terrible mistake and needed help. But as her fingers hovered over the screen, Hillary hesitated.

What if they think less of me, too? she worried, biting her lip. What if they see me as weak and incompetent? I can’t bear the thought of losing their respect.

Hillary let the phone drop onto the bed beside her, burying her face in her hands once more. She was utterly alone, trapped by her own doubts and insecurities. And as the tears continued to fall, she couldn’t help but wonder if she would ever find the strength to pick herself back up again.

Do what you have to do. Protect what you can protect. The thought slammed into her as the tears stopped surging through her body.

Hillary’s hands trembled as she reached for her phone, her heartbeat quickening with each passing second. She unlocked the screen and checked the time, mentally converting from New Zealand to New York time. It was past midnight, but she knew Olivia would still be at the office. The woman was known for practically living there, pouring all her energy into her work.

“I have to do this,” Hillary swallowed back the failure, stealing herself. “I can’t keep pretending I’m something I’m not.”

She pulled up Olivia in her contacts and pressed to call, her heart pounding as she listened to the ring. Once, twice, three times. Just as Hillary was about to hang up, the ringing stopped.

“Hillary?” Olivia’s voice was sharp with surprise. “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon. Already have a piece of that series for me?”

Hillary opened her mouth, but the words stuck in her throat. How could she explain the mess she’d made of everything? The disappointment she knew she would be to everyone who had believed in her?

“I...” she began, her voice wavering. “I made a mistake, Olivia. I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I’m not cut out for acting.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Hillary could almost see Olivia’s brows furrowing in annoyance.

“What happened?” Olivia asked gently, surprising her. “Talk to me, Hillary.”

The dam broke, and everything came pouring out. The disastrous rehearsal, the way she had frozen up in front of everyone, the crushing sense of inadequacy that had followed her back to the hotel.

“I’m sorry,” Hillary finished, her voice barely above a whisper. “I know you took a chance on me with this assignment, but I don’t think I can go through with it. Is there any way I could still keep my job if I just wrote about this part? About realizing I’m not meant to be an actress?”

She held her breath, waiting for Olivia’s response. Would her boss be angry? Disappointed? Would she tell Hillary to pack her bags and never come back?

But when Olivia spoke again, her tone was filled with understanding. “Hillary,” she sighed. “I know it’s scary to step outside your comfort zone. But you can’t give up at the first sign of trouble. You sure as hell didn’t do that every time I made your life harder.”

“But what if I can’t do it? This isn’t the same as proving to you I’m good at something I know I’m good at. What if I let everyone down?”

“Listen to me, Hillary,” Olivia said, her words firm but kind. “I’ve been tough on you, I know that. But it’s because I’ve always believed in you. You’ve never let me down before, and I don’t think you will now. This is an extraordinary opportunity, and I’d hate to see you walk away from it just because things got a little heated.”

Hillary closed her eyes, letting Olivia’s words wash over her. She knew her boss was right. This was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and she couldn’t let her fears hold her back.

“If you really want to come back to Muse,” Olivia continued, “the job is still yours. All I ask is that you write about this experience, no matter how it turns out. But Hillary, I think you owe it to yourself to give this a real shot.”

As Olivia spoke, a small voice in the back of Hillary’s mind began to grow louder. It reminded her of the way Julius had looked at her, the faith he had in her abilities. He believed she could do this, even if she didn’t believe it herself. Now it seemed Olivia did, too. The person she’d spent three years trying to impress, may have been impressed all along.

And in that moment, Hillary realized she didn’t want to let him down. She didn’t want to run away from this chance, from the connection they were forming. She wanted to be the woman he saw when he looked at her—brave, capable, and ready to take on the world.

“You’re right,” she said finally, her voice growing stronger with each word. “I can’t give up now. Not when there’s so much at stake.”

On the other end of the line, Olivia let out a small chuckle. “That’s a go-getter. I knew you had it in you.”

“Thank you for the pep talk,” Hillary said, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’d figure it out,” Olivia replied, her tone warm and confident. “But I’m always here when you need me. Now, go out there and show them what you’re made of because I will not lose out on this series.”

“Thanks,” Hillary repeated and ended the call, feeling lighter than she had in days minus last night. She glanced around her hotel room, taking in the scattered clothes and half-unpacked suitcases. Just minutes ago, she had been ready to throw it all in and run back to the safety of her old life.

But now? Now she was ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. She thought of Julius, of the way his eyes had sparkled when he talked about the movie, the passion he had for his craft. She wanted to be a part of that, to prove to herself and everyone else that she was capable of more than they ever imagined.

Today was a bad start.

Tomorrow she would do better.