33

"I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight."

Joshua

I sat on the edge of my bed, hunched over my phone. I scrolled through my messages with Sawyer, my face etched with concern. She hadn't responded to any of my texts yesterday or today. I waited for her after my game, but she never showed up. It was unlike her.

I glanced at the time on my screen before sending another text. The minutes seemed to drag on, each one making the silence more suffocating. With a sigh, I pocketed my phone and leaned against my pillows, staring at the drab ceiling. My brows furrowed as I tried to think back on our interaction before my game. What did I do wrong?

I rubbed my temples, frustration mounting with each unanswered thought. A faint buzz interrupted the silence. My heart leaped in my chest as I reached for my phone, but the excitement faded. It was only Kellan. I let it go to voicemail, not in the mood to talk to anyone but Sawyer.

"Are you going to come out of your room soon?" My mother asked, hovering in the doorway.

"No."

She sighed, sitting down beside me. She reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder, offering silent support.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked, her voice a soothing balm.

"Sawyer isn't speaking to me."

"Why?"

"I wish I knew. She hasn't responded to any of my texts, and she never congratulated me after my game."

She listened as I poured my heart out.

"Josh, sweetie." She said. "She lives right across the street. Talk to her."

I sprung out of bed, mentally facepalming for not having thought of it sooner. Without a second to waste, I stomped downstairs and out the front door. The snow fell around me, a serene backdrop to my inner turmoil. I stood before her front door, my heart heavy with determination. Knuckles clenched. I knocked. I could sense her presence, but the door remained closed.

"Please talk to me, Sawyer." I pleaded, my voice carrying a hint of desperation. "Please tell me what I did." Snow or not, I refused to leave until she spoke to me. "I'm not leaving until we work this out."

She ignored me. I paced back and forth for a solid fifteen minutes until the door creaked open. My heart plummeted into my stomach at her tear-stricken face. I rushed to embrace her, but she put her hand out in front of me.

"When were you going to tell me you dated Elsie?" she asked, her eyes blazing with a mixture of frustration and betrayal.

My eyes widened, realizing why she'd been avoiding me.

"Who told you?"

She scoffed.

"That's what you're concerned about?"

I brushed my trembling fingers through my hair as I tried to find the words to say.

"I didn't think it mattered," I said. "It was a long time ago."

"How long?"

"We broke up before last summer." She shook her head, about to slam the door in my face, but I stopped her. "It means nothing."

"How can you say that?" She asked, her anger simmering. "Of course, it matters."

"It doesn't." I said. "She was my first love. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone has one."

It's as if a barrier appeared between us, but it did nothing to ease the tension. She wrapped her arms around herself.

"First love matters."

"They don't." I said. "To me, a first love is just a steppingstone."

Her fists clenched as if she were resisting the urge to punch me.

"Then I guess you don't matter." She said, seething. "You're just my steppingstone."

Those were her last words before she slammed the door in my face, leaving me out in the cold.

??

As I relived the interaction with Sawyer, my heart sank. An avalanche of resentment met my attempts to bridge the gap. My frustration bubbled beneath the surface, mingled with a sense of sadness as I longed to see her smile. Each passing moment of silence weighed heavily on my chest. I hated upsetting her, especially for something as meaningless as my relationship with Elsie. However, I should have told Sawyer, especially since I still had contact with my ex.

I put my foot in it when I commented on first love. The news that I was her first love was a blessing and a curse. It made me feel an indescribable wave of pleasant emotions, but it placed an unbearable weight on my shoulders. Noah told me she never dated, to his knowledge, which is perhaps why I was so adamant about keeping my past a secret.

"There's smoke coming out of your head."

It was him, wasn't it? With an injection of adrenaline, I launched off my bed toward him. Asher's eyes held shock, but he masked it well.

"Did you tell Sawyer about Elsie?"

He tilted his head to the right in mock confusion.

"Tell her what?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I was not in the mood for his infuriating mannerisms.

"Stop playing around, Asher."

"I didn't tell Sawyer anything." He said. "It was all Elsie."

"Elsie told her?"

"Shocking, right?" He asked. "Elsie never looks for drama."

His sarcasm was adding fuel to my inner flame.

"How do you know this?"

"I was there." He said, a sickening grin on his face. "It was like those reality show dramas Mom watches."

My legs felt unsteady. I sat on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I messed up. Could Sawyer move past this?

"She told me I'm her first love."

"She loves you?"

I nodded my head, not lifting it. My eyes were closed as I took a deep breath.

"She told me she loves me, and I went and kept that secret from her." I said. "How am I going to get her to trust me again?"

Silence answered me. I expected that. He zoned out when he was disinterested, and this was one of those instances. However, I didn't expect to be alone when I lifted my head.