Chapter 5

Five

D ane

Ryan showed me to a guest room, which he couldn't have known was the room I'd crashed in many, many times.

"I'm going to heat up the lasagna. It'll take a while, so why don't you rest a bit?"

As soon as he shut the door, sobs racked my body. I sank down on the bed and curled up into a fetal position on top of the covers, crying soundlessly. It was as if every emotion I'd had in my whole life poured out of me at once, strangling me with the force. I'd never cried like that before. The closest was probably when everyone had left for Altamont without me. I'd been too young, only seventeen, and though I'd fought to go, Mom had a bad feeling about it. She'd said she didn't trust the Hells Angels with the safety of her son.

I'd already missed Woodstock when all of my friends had gone, but Altamont would have been the perfect opportunity to play. Tess said she'd try to get me on the lineup, or at least she'd let me play guitar with her band. It was the first time Mom ever said anything negative about the woman who'd become my best friend. They were usually close, but Diane had been livid.

"He's my son, Tess. I don't care that you've seduced him into this life, he's not going to play music in the middle of a field with a bunch of violent men standing between him and chaos."

"Diane, he's got a gift. I just want the rest of the world to see him play. This could be the performance that finally launches his career."

"He's seventeen. There will be other opportunities."

"As an artist, I figured you'd understood how important it is to grab a hold when you can. You can't count on other opportunities that may or may not come."

"And if you were a mother , you'd understand why I won't let my son take unnecessary risks. Tess, he's all I have in this world?—"

"And you won't have him long if you don't let him spread his wings."

Mom had kicked Tess out of our tiny bungalow, and she'd forbidden me from going to Tess's anymore.

She'd been right about Altamont being dangerous, but I still needed to make things happen, and I couldn't do it with her breathing down my neck. The moment I turned eighteen a few months later, I was right back in with Tess's crowd and preparing to go on the first of many tours with her as a backup guitarist. Mom and I eventually reached an agreement, but I rarely slept under her roof after that.

I must have crashed hard because when I woke, the sunlight was fading. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt hunger. At the carnival, we were fed well enough. I never had a complaint. As my memories returned, I realized I'd never been a big eater. My sleep had been full of dreams, faces of those I'd met, those who'd influenced me, encouraged me. It was like putting on a suit or a uniform and absorbing that feeling of power, of knowing who you were, what you stood for.

And what your purpose was.

Mine was to stop this man who'd witnessed my almost-murder and got off on it, who wished to go out and hurt people himself. I had no idea who'd hurt me way back then, I never saw his face, but I'd seen the man at the carnival. I knew I had to find him and stop him before he hurt anyone else.

So that meant pushing the nostalgia, the tears, all the bullshit out of my mind. I was going to need some things, and one of them was food.

I used the bathroom outside in the hall and felt the memories settling in like a dog digging into its bed for a snooze. Showering in this bathroom the first morning I woke up here. Walking in on people having sex in here… doing blow on the counter. There had been so many moments.

The house looked a lot different, but the bones were the same. Walking down the hall, I could see glimpses of the old floral wallpaper. Like a flickering light leaves shadows and plays tricks with your mind, my memories of the place filtered in and out of my consciousness. The music I heard, however, was different.

"Hey, man," Ryan said, standing from the couch where he'd been playing guitar. Kal's fingers paused on the piano. "We came to check on you and didn't want to wake you. You gotta be hungry." He put an arm around me and led me to the kitchen, just as Tess had that first night spent at her house. I'd shown up in the rain with a delivery. Mom had been out of town, and I hadn't had anything to eat that hadn't come out of a can for a few days. I wondered if I'd looked more pathetic then or now, standing there in my borrowed clothes that had to be pretty ripe.

"Thank you." The response came out automatically. Guess I hadn't lost my manners.

"I can reheat the lasagna for you, or my manager, Cherish, will be here with pizza in a few?—"

There was a knock at the door.

"That must be her." Ryan patted me on the back and trotted over to the front door. He was wearing a pair of what looked like pajama pants, a sweater, and his feet were bare. He was a good-looking guy, stunning really, and the way he moved was seductive. He reminded me of watching Jim Morrison.

"How are you feeling?"

I jumped, not realizing that Kal was standing beside me.

"I'm all right, thanks."

Kal's gaze was always so intense. It made you want to tell him to lighten up, but then he'd look at Ryan and his eyes would go soft. As much as he might want to help me figure myself out, he also wasn't sure how to handle having another guy around his man. Husband. I still couldn't get used to thinking in those terms.

Ryan came back in carrying three pizza boxes, accompanied by a short Black woman who was dressed in an orange turtleneck sweater, a wide belt, and blue jeans. Her arms were loaded with shopping bags.

"Dee Dee, this is Cherish. She's my manager and lifesaver, and today, she's been on a mission."

Cherish laughed. "How are you, handsome? I picked up some things for you. Ryan said you might need some supplies."

She handed me the bags, and, unlike her, I struggled under their weight.

"What is this?"

Ryan grinned as he nabbed a slice of pizza piled high with vegetables. "Clothes, underthings, toiletries. A billfold." He gave Kal a wink. "Although, we're going to have to figure out how to get you some identification."

Cherish frowned slightly. "I went by Ryan's description of your size, so I hopefully got it right. He's an artist and a great judge. Anything you don't want, just leave the tags on and put them back in the bags and I'll take care of them. He told me, ‘Dress him like non-disco 1979,' so that's what I went for."

I raised my eyebrows at Ryan, and he put a finger to his lips and grinned.

I reached into a bag and pulled out a pair of Levi's in exactly the size I used to wear, but these felt… strange. Not like the stiff material I was used to."I don't… Thank you. You didn't have to do this."

He shrugged. "Like she said, I'm an artist. I love to dress people, draw them, take pictures. Not to sound creepy or anything. Mostly we just want you to have what you need." He gave me a pointed look at that, and then glanced at Kal, who nodded.

"Thank you."

"Eat. Shower. Then we can talk."

I nodded, and was grateful when the three of them started chatting. Kal opened all three boxes of pizza so I could make my choice, and he handed me a plate. I grabbed a slice of the vegetarian pizza. I recalled that I'd been a vegetarian at one point, before my life was nearly cut off, and the sight of the meat on the other pizza made my stomach turn. Huh. Well.

"I let Scott know that you guys made it here with no problem, and he said he'll be by next week to see how the demos are going and, if you're ready, you guys can record. I also talked to that gallery owner in Las Vegas that you met, and he wants to know when you'll be ready to do a show there."

Ryan's eyes widened. "Wow, I just thought he was being nice. He wants a whole show?" He turned to Kal. "I can't believe it."

Kal took him in his arms and kissed his forehead. "I don't know why you're surprised. He couldn't stop talking about your drawings."

"Congratulations." I hadn't meant to call attention to myself, but now they were all smiling at me. "My mother was an artist. I know how tough it can be to get a gallery to accept your work. Right on."

"Thanks, man. It all kind of happened on accident. After my band broke up, I, uh… had some legal issues and I couldn't travel. So I did the only thing I knew how to do to stay out of trouble. Turned out folks kinda liked it."

I nodded as I finished my first slice of pizza. I noticed that Kal was on his third and Ryan on his second, so I reached for another.

"You just needed some positivity, my friend," Cherish said to Ryan, bumping him with her hip. "You're so gifted. I keep waiting for you to ask me to set up some acting auditions or dance lessons. You're likely to be a quadruple threat."

Ryan rolled his eyes and threw his arm around Cherish's shoulders. "If life has taught me anything in the past year, it's that I should be open to all the possibilities. Awesome. I'm going to put in an order with that art supply place up in Fortuna that I love. They said they'd deliver anything I needed. Guess I'll be getting started on my new art pieces a little sooner than I'd planned."

"It'll be great," Kal said, smiling at him with so much love.

Kal left the room, and I finished up my second slice of pizza. It was amazing how much a little good food and friendly banter could improve my mood.

1967

The next time I made a delivery at Tess's, I decided I would take her up on the offer to hang out. Mom had been working in her studio nonstop. As long as I brought her three meals a day and snuck in to cover her when she'd inevitably curl up on the floor and fall asleep, I could do as I pleased. It was summer break, my two school friends were both on extended vacations with their families, and I had nothing else to do. Besides, rumor had it that Tess had a revolving door of rock stars in her house, and what fifteen-year-old kid wouldn't want to hang out with his idols? I'd played the piano since I could sit up, for the most part, but I really wanted to learn guitar. I thought maybe I could find someone at Tess's who would teach me.

"Hey, it's Dee Dee the Delivery Man. How are you?" She gave me a big hug, and I handed her the bag. "We've got a feast going, come on in. My brother Jimmy and his friend Kaleo buried a pig in the backyard and cooked it! We're going to have a Hawaiian luau. Can you stick around?"

I grinned at her. I was still painfully shy, but I knew there was a reason I'd met Tess Miller."Sure. Thank you, Mrs.—I mean, Tess."

She winked at me and closed the door.

The house was full of people who were mostly older than me and a few little kids. She led me out back and introduced me to a group of women.

"This is Dee Dee. He's Diane's son. Can you make sure he gets a big ol' plate of food? Dee Dee, I'm going to make the rounds but please, make yourself comfortable. Eat, drink, and have a good time."

Three women stood, and two of them took hold of my arms.

"Dee Dee, it's so nice to meet you. I love your mom's work."

"Yeah, and her pot is to die for."

They all laughed.

"I'm glad you like it."

Mom taught art classes at Los Angeles City College, and she'd connected with some former students who made frequent trips to Mexico for supplies. There was also a farm in the valley where they grew the plants, and the farmer was kind of an eccentric guy. He loved Mom's paintings and often traded her. Though she made good money on her art and teaching, she called her herbal deliveries her nest egg. She had no one to rely on but herself, she'd say, and "sometimes you have to decide what you're willing to do to survive."

The third woman brought me a huge plate of food. "I'm Michelle. My husband John and I live just up the road. I haven't met your mom yet, but I'd love to get on her delivery list. Cass would, too, right?" She chuckled, and I took the plate, my stomach growling.

"Absolutely," Cass said. "I just moved up here, and I could definitely use a good delivery service."

"I'll tell her." Mom was really careful about who she made deliveries to, but if they were friends of Tess's? And huge rock stars? I'd make sure they got what they wanted. I loved The Mamas and The Papas. I couldn't believe these incredible women were serving me a meal.

A man came flying out of the house and cannonballed into the swimming pool. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest at the screams from everyone who was standing nearby. Thankfully I wasn't in danger of losing my food, because I might have eaten it soggy, that's how hungry I was for real food. I cooked for Mom and me, but I wasn't very good at it. If I never had Rice-A-Roni again it would be too soon.

When the man surfaced, I almost choked on a piece of pork. "Is that?—"

"Jim Morrison, yeah," said Cass, shaking her head. "Things tend to get more interesting when he shows up."

As he pushed himself up and out of the pool, I could see why. The man was like a statue of Adonis. I understood why the magazines called him Dionysus, though, as I watched him grab a bottle of beer and drink the whole thing in one go. He wore black swim trunks that clung to his wet skin and everything beneath. I couldn't stop staring.

Yes, there were dozens of women in bikinis lying around, but I only had eyes for Jim.

Tells you something about me.

Another man came out of the house with a guitar, and he plopped down next to Michelle and started playing. My gaze was locked in on his fingers as he picked at the strings. The women went into the house shortly after, and I stayed on a lounge chair in the shade, watching him play. I couldn't move, wouldn't move.

Eventually, he looked up and smiled at me. "Want to play?"

I swallowed hard."I only know piano."

He stood and slid his chair closer. Then he handed me the guitar. He went into the house, and I just stared at this piece of wonder in my hands. It smelled good, like wood polish. It was big, my hand barely fit around the neck, but my fingers were long. I pressed down on the strings and felt a shiver at the bite of the metal under my fingers.

The door opened and the man came back with another guitar.

"Nat? What are you doing?" Tess stood in the doorway, smiling at the guitar man.

He winked at her and took the chair next to me once more. "It's time you learn, son."

Tess watched as this man, Nat, taught me how to play a few chords. It didn't take long before I could hear the connections between the keys and the strings. It was like watching a zipper being pulled up. The two just came together.

I hadn't been paying attention to the time, but when I next looked up, the sky was dark.

"Oh no. I gotta go," I said, handing the guitar back to the man. "Thank you so much, Mr.—"

"Nat Greene. No problem." He set down the guitars and shook my hand. "You're a natural, kid. Come back anytime, man. I'll teach you some more."

He had no idea what a commitment he'd just made. I was determined to learn.

"Dee Dee, you are amazing," Tess said. At some point, she'd come to sit at the foot of my lounge chair. "I've never seen anyone learn that fast."

"Thank you. I've gotta go. If I don't cook for Mom, she won't eat."

"Oh, well here—come with me. I'll put some plates together for you to take back for dinner."

2019

I would have done anything for that woman. Inviting me into her house changed my life forever, and being back here without her was wrong. What had happened to her? What had I missed? What about my mother?

"I'll let you guys get back to it, then," Cherish said, bringing me back to Tess's kitchen in the present—in the house that now belonged to someone named Scott, who was also in the music business. That seemed coincidental. Perhaps in the last forty years, the canyon was still a special place, only different.

She was smiling at me, this woman who took care of Ryan, who'd bought me clothes and fed me. "Let me know if you need anything else. It was nice to meet you, Dee Dee."

"Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"I'll walk you out," Ryan said. He threw an arm over her shoulder and they turned out of sight from the kitchen.

"Dee Dee? I restrung your guitar while you were sleeping. I hope you don't mind. Scott had the right type of acoustic strings. I think I could fix it up a bit more, if you like. It's kinda what I do."

"Thank you." I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I liked that the old instrument had some defects. I liked that I had to work at it to play. The challenge appealed to me, but Kal's gesture was kind. "You guys have really gone out of your way for me. I can't thank you enough."

Ryan came back in the kitchen looking down at a small rectangular device in his hands. He raised his gaze to mine, and his face had paled."The news is showing what happened at the rest stop."

He walked into the living room and turned on a giant screen hung on the wall. He used a small remote to flick the channels and then stepped back.

My face lit up the room a moment later.

"Dane Donovan disappeared forty years ago today, seemingly without a trace, from the Buttonwillow Rest Area on south bound I-5 in Kern County. This morning, detectives discovered a body behind the same rest area. Details are not being shared with the press while the sheriff's department attempts to contact next of kin. CHP has closed the rest area while they investigate the scene. Anyone who may have information is asked to please contact Community Liaison Detective Walter Muse, at the Kern County Sheriff's department."

Footage showed the police cars all over the rest area, and then the camera zoomed to a group of men in suits, and one in particular when they mentioned Detective Walter Muse.

"I saw him." It was the same man I'd seen at the gate, and the one who'd stared me down at the rest stop this morning. If he was in charge of the case, and he was here in Laurel Canyon, he probably knew something about me.

"Why Buttonwillow?" Kal stood beside me. The big man moved quietly, not like other big men I'd been around who didn't understand how much space they took up. "You asked us to take you there for a reason. Did you know there'd been another crime before we got there?"

"No! I didn't know until I saw… I just… That's where I last remember being. When something bad happened to me."

"I think you need to tell us what happened," Kal said, joining Ryan on the couch. "If we're going to be any help, we need to know."

"I honestly didn't remember anything about my life before the carnival until yesterday. A guy came to my booth and wanted me to do my thing?—"

"What was your thing?" Ryan asked.

I chuckled but my hands were shaking again, and I needed… something. "Don't suppose you got a joint?"

Ryan gave a sad smile. "'Fraid I'm sober, friend. But if you need it, I can hit up a dispensary for delivery."

I frowned. "A dispensary?"

Ryan nodded with an amused frown. "Yeah, man. You know it's legal now."

"Wait, you mean… I was talking about weed."

Ryan laughed. "Right. Cannabis. Marijuana. It's legal in California and a few other states. We have places that will deliver it in whatever form you want. I just… I'd rather not have it here, if that's okay?"

"Fine, fine. I get it. I knew too many cats who had issues. What about tobacco?"

"That we can't have delivered. I can run out and get you some, but you know that shit will kill you and wreck your voice."

"So you're telling me that you can get weed delivered to your house, but not cigarettes? Like, there are more restrictions on tobacco?"

Ryan sighed. "Let's just say that a lot of research was done in the eighties, nineties, and on and on, and there are so many ways that tobacco products can kill you, it's not even funny."

I snorted. "I've already beat death once. A cigarette can't hurt you near as bad as another human, but all right I guess."

Kal and Ryan both shifted on the couch. They sat close to each other, and Kal had a possessive grip on Ryan's thigh. For some reason that caused a twinge, like a ghost of a memory of a time when I'd wished for someone to love me like that.

"Dee Dee, I understand your hesitance to trust. We want to help you." Kal's stare was so penetrating, I couldn't look at him for long.

"What do you want to know?"

"What happened at the carnival before you left?" Kal asked.

I exhaled through my nose and walked over to the glass wall that looked out on the patio and the swimming pool. How much should I tell them?

"My act at the carnival was The Troubadour's Talking Board. I have one of them old-timey spiritualist boards. I think I had it before I got there, but I don't remember. It just feels like it's always been a part of me. Anyway, when I touch the planchette, it's like I enter a vortex of words, if that makes sense. I don't know how it works, but there you go. I seem to remember using it to write songs, you know? I'd be thinking of something, and I'd touch the planchette and then the right words would come to me.

"At the carnival, I'd let people ask me a question at my booth, and then I'd use the board. Whatever poem came out of it, good, bad, or ugly, I'd type it up on a little card for them and they'd go on their merry way. Only, on my last night, this guy put his hands on it with me, and somehow it sucked us back into my memories."

Fear hit me like a gut punch, and I bent at the waist from the force of it.

"Hey," Kal said, coming to my side. "It's okay. Get it out of your head. I promise it's worse in there than if you let it out."

I was panting now."I was back at Buttonwillow. I saw the sign. I went into the bathroom and he was there, this faceless guy. I can't see his face no matter how hard I try. He came up to me at the urinal and grabbed me. I told him I wasn't interested. I didn't mess around with guys in bathrooms. But then he had an arm around my throat, and he dragged me out back of the place."

Tears pricked my eyes and my body ached like I was back there, fighting for my life. My hands balled into fists.

"Keep going. Let it out."

Kal didn't touch me, just stood beside me and breathed with me.

"I went limp, hoping he'd think I was out, and when he let up on the pressure I tried to fight back. I didn't know how to fight, but I tried. He stomped on my balls, man, and after that it was just…" I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. I whispered, "It feels like it's happening right now."

"Breathe through your nose." Ryan was there, a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay. No one's going to hurt you."

"But that's just it! The guy at the carnival saw it all through my eyes. And he was excited . He wanted to do that, what happened to me. He was giddy! He was escorted out of the carnival but he said, ‘I'll see you again.' That's why I had you take me to Buttonwillow. I thought he'd be there." I looked up at Kal. "And I think he was."

"He wasn't the one who hurt you, though? Before the carnival?"

"No. That man was bigger. He smelled like chemicals. But when I try to focus on his face, I see a blank spot where it should be. I knew he'd done it before, though. I could tell. He was… efficient. Even when I fought back, he anticipated my moves, man. The guy at the carnival, though, it was like he was there to learn. I don't know why he was drawn to me, I don't know why he put his hands on the planchette. No one had ever done that before. I don't know why it made the board work differently?—"

"My friend Gavin had a Ouija board," Ryan said softly. "He used to use it to communicate with his ancestors' spirits. He said it worked differently when he used it with other people. I remember using it with his aunt, and it did that… it took me back to her memory."

I gazed at the two men kneeling beside me, and finally I could breathe.

"I have to stop him from hurting anyone else. I don't care what happened to me, but I don't want anyone else to go through what I did, and I worry that if he was so excited by watching what I went through, he'll keep doing it until he gets caught."

"Maybe we should call that detective," Kal said. "You can tell them what he looked like."

"But how can I explain to them how I know? That's going to be tricky, don't you think?"

Ryan and Kal looked at each other, and Ryan sighed.

"What choice do we have?"