Chapter 15

Fifteen

D ane

What are you doing, Dane? "I'm sorry, I know that sounds totally unsexy, but…"

I should have known Walter would understand. He kissed me and brushed back my hair. "I want to be safe for you. I want to be whatever you need. If that means being the one you explore your sexuality with, I'm fine with that. If that means holding your hand through all this until you're settled, I'm fine with that too."

"You're exactly what I need, Walter. I don't think I could do this without you here."

"Well, you don't have to, but when you're ready to stand on your own, I'll understand, okay?"

I pushed up on an elbow. "What do you mean?"

His dark eyes had been so sultry throughout this whole encounter, all hungry and turned on. Now they were back to that do-the-right-thing gaze. He ran his fingers down my arm and then dropped his hand.

"I mean when you're ready to move on. Start living. You have your whole life ahead of you now. Once we catch these guys, you can…"

"What? Find my old friends? They're dead. Start my music career over? I don't even know how to use one of those smart fancy contraptions, how the hell am I supposed to?—"

"Dane, I'm going to help you."

"I don't want you to help me! I want you to— Forget it." I sat up. I was going about this all wrong, and here he was, starting to take pity on me.

"Hey." He sat up next to me and placed a kiss on my shoulder, so gentle, such a loving touch, it nearly broke my heart. "I'm glad I can be here for you right now, however you need me. You are going to have a lot of emotions. You're going to want to be held, you're going to want to hit something, you're going to scream, or not understand why the hell you're crying over a hole in your sock. I want to be here for you through all of it, okay? I can take it, I want to take it. When you're safe and able to do what you want, I'll be there to help you take those first steps, if you want me there. I'll do anything , Dane. Even step back… if that's what you want. I think you're incredibly strong, and I'm honored to be the one beside you right now." He rubbed his lips and mustache on my bare shoulder as he gazed up at me.

"I'm sorry." I took his hand in mine and held it, mostly to keep mine from shaking. "You're probably right about it all. I'm so grateful you found me. That you believed me no matter how ridiculous all of this sounds. And…" This was the hard part to admit. "I'm so glad you were my first. It was a different time back then. The only times I ever got touched by a guy were in secret. They were rough, and none of them cared for me when it was over, you know? I suppose I could have gone to places where things might have been different, but I didn't trust people, and Tess warned me that if I was open about who and what I was, it would hurt my career.

"She wanted me to be patient. She wanted me to be me , but she wanted me to play the game, so I did. It wasn't like I could have the men I wanted back then anyway, and I didn't really meet anyone who I knew was like me, at least not that they let anyone know. I never let it go any further than handjobs except with one guy, who I thought… It was on tour, and he was young like me, but he wasn't like me, didn't like me like I wanted. I'd rather forget about him."

"Things weren't a whole lot different when I was growing up, where I grew up. No one was out in high school. And then, well, there was AIDS, a disease that killed a lot of gay men, and that kept me from exploring that side of myself."

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

He sighed. "It's a virus, it's called HIV. It spread through the gay community in the late eighties and early nineties. It killed thousands before the government would do anything about it. When it showed up in straight people, then they paid attention. Now there are medicines and a lot of people that are infected with it have survived for decades. It was terrifying to me and kept me in the closet for a long time."

"So you dated women, then?"

"Yeah. I met Lisa, my ex-wife, at the beginning of college, and we got married pretty quick. At that point, she was happy being a cop's wife and a stay-at-home mom, until the kids started high school and they didn't need her around as much. She decided to go back to school and get her master's degree. Shemet new people, decided that she wanted more than a best friend for a spouse, someone who could give her more than I could."

"What happened?"

He smiled. "We parted as friends, we encouraged each other to explore other opportunities. She knew I was bisexual. I'd told her early on in our marriage. She asked me then if I wanted to see other people, and I totally didn't. I loved her and our kids and our life. It was enough for me."

"So did you? Explore after you got divorced?"

He laughed. "Not really. The first guy I went out with, we ended up dating for two years. Brady. He also didn't like being attached to the cop life, and he never totally got used to being second to my kids either. Me working weekends and holidays, late nights, early mornings, with no sense of normalcy bothered him. Since him, I've hooked up exactly one time, two years ago. I threw myself into work and tried to spend as much time with my busy college kids as they would allow, and that's my story."

"Your work led you to finding me, so I couldn't ever be mad about it."

He laughed and lay back on the bed. "Oh, don't be so sure. The first time I had to cancel plans on your birthday, you'd be singing a different tune."

I spread myself out on top of his gorgeous body, loving the way his hair tickled me everywhere. "Maybe I'd just sing a little louder. Change my tune. You're worth it."

His lazy smile faltered, and I caught the most vulnerable look in his eyes. He could say he was okay with losing his relationships but the truth was right there. He'd been abandoned, just like me, and that made me want to hold on a little bit tighter. He knew what it was like to be alone. He understood me beyond my trauma, as he called it.

"Maybe there was a reason you never stopped looking for me. Maybe you needed to find me as much as I needed to be found."

"I did. You have no idea."

"I do. You're here." I kissed him gently, staring into his deep brown eyes. "You want to save me, Walter. That means more to me than I could ever say."

He ran his thumb along the curve of my spine and down to my tailbone. He had the most sensual touch. I never wanted him to stop.

"Maybe you saved me a little bit too." He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my scarred knuckles, bringing a bit of reality back into the forefront. "Let's see what we can do about giving you back the rest of your life."

"After you shower," I said with a laugh. "If you go out there right now, this whole house is going to smell like sex."

"You don't think the newlyweds will mind, do you?"

"Yeah, but your friends are here."

His smile fell a little. "They are. You can trust them, Dane. I promise. I trust them with my life. They're going to help."

"I'll have to trust them. Since we've clearly established you can't keep things professional with me, they have to be the cops, huh?"

"Right." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I'm sorry."

"Do not apologize, Detective Muse. There is no part of what just happened I'd want to take back. Well, except my little freak out, but even that… you get me, Walter. Thank you."

He grinned. "You're welcome."

We took turns showering in the attached bathroom. I wished I had a notebook. I was bursting with thoughts, ideas. Words. Maybe I could write again, but would today's world have any interest in what I had to say? A folk singer stuck in 1979?

When we went out into the living room, Kal was beside Ryan on the couch. Ryan had the guitar in his lap, laughing and chatting with the two cops. Gene and Denny. They were more than co-workers to Walter, I could tell that. The men greeted him with hugs and soft words of concern before Walter took a seat next to me on the other couch.

"You ready for an update?" Gene asked.

Walter took my hand in both of his and looked to me for confirmation. I was shocked that he had no reservations about touching me in front of his friends. It was all too good to be true.

"Sure." No.

Denny smiled at the two of us. It was tinged with sadness, which had me wondering which one of us he was sad for. He wore a tight t-shirt that had the Marine Corps logo on it, which made my stomach tighten a bit. Military guys had made me nervous ever since they started showing up in LA after Vietnam, but Denny had a warmth about him that made me think maybe he was different. Or maybe I felt safe next to Walter and knew he wouldn't have brought someone around me he couldn't trust.

"While you were sleeping, I've been reading over the file on Evans," Denny said. "Born in nineteen forty-seven in Los Angeles County. Youngest of six. Father was military, he attempted to enlist but was designated 4-F. Convicted of Tess Miller's death in nineteen eighty-four. He spent twenty years in the California State Prison at Lancaster, was released fifteen years ago. Before that, he worked for CalTrans as a maintenance supervisor, which means he had access to a lot of facilities along the highways, including rest areas."

"That gives him means," Walter said. "How about any records prior to the murder?"

Denny and Gene looked at each other before Gene spoke. "He's got a sealed juvenile record."

Walter squeezed my hand. "All right. How about video? Recordings?"

"I didn't find any so far, but I'm going to keep looking. I also thought we might go pay him a visit tomorrow. Maybe we get a recording."

"That's a good idea." He rubbed his hand back and forth over mine. "I don't want to leave Dane."

I leaned closer to him and spoke quietly. "I'll be okay. You can go."

He frowned at me and shook his head. I liked that he felt protective over me, but I didn't want him to think I couldn't take care of myself. That would be the absolute wrong reason for him to want to be with me.

"I'll call him in the morning. I've got some local contacts. I can have someone sit on the house here while we're out."

Walter nodded. "Okay, what about the sketch?"

"Nothing yet," Gene said. "Dax is up to his eyeballs in crime scene photos and most likely useless evidence. Vic was nineteen years old. Christopher Gilman. Was on his way to a music audition in Los Angeles." Gene gave Dane a glance.

I swallowed bile. I should've gotten there sooner .

"Parents identified his remains." Gene cleared his throat and gave me an apologetic look.

"No other recent cases like this?" Walter asked.

"Dax says no, he ran it through state and federal databases. No hits. No missing persons reported around that rest area or in Kern County who match similar characteristics. Maybe this is totally unrelated."

"The ‘I'll see you' and DD had to have been directed to Dane. Dee Dee is his nickname."

Gene and Denny both looked at me with interest.

"I saw him at the carnival. Before I left," I said. "We had a strange encounter, and then he said, ‘I'll see you again.'"

"You get a name for him?" Denny asked.

I shook my head.

"It's okay. He definitely sticks out. We'll see if we get anywhere with the sketch." Gene pulled out his phone, which was buzzing. He stood and answered it, making his way out onto the patio.

"We were wondering," Ryan said, looking to Kal. "Dee Dee, do you think you're ready to go out? We thought we could grab some dinner on Sunset, take you around?" He looked to Walter. "You think it's okay?"

Walter squeezed my hand and I turned to him. "I think I'd like that. What do you think?"

He gave me a small smile, his mustache quirking up on one side. "Probably safe enough. However, I think some sort of disguise would be good for both you and Wells. If anyone recognizes him, there could be pictures of you taken." He turned to Denny. "And I should call Cap."

Denny nodded. I figured that meant Walter needed to tell his boss what was happening. I tried not to think about what that meant for either of us.

"Good call," Ryan said. "I'll hook you up," he said to me. "Let's go get dressed."

I stood to follow him, but I looked down at Walter. "I'm a little bit nervous," I whispered.

He grabbed my waist with one hand. I loved how he handled me, which got me thinking, and blushing…

"Only if you're ready."

I could do this. I was so curious. Walter would be there, along with my new friends. It would be fine.

"Okay." I followed Ryan back to his bedroom, and I heard Walter and Denny start talking over each other.

"The good news is that your style isn't too unusual for SoCal these days, but let's see what we can do to make you look totally not like you. It's too bad I didn't get my art supplies today but hopefully they'll be here tomorrow. I had them throw in some theatrical makeup and body paint. I had some ideas… We could have done something wild to disguise ourselves."

He handed me a black hooded sweatshirt with the word Slipknot written in red across the front and a picture of a person painted like a skeleton underneath. I pulled it on over the plain white t-shirt I was wearing.

"I don't think I have a pair of pants that will fit you…"

"I can wear the ones Cherish brought if you have a belt?"

"Oh sure." He dug around in his suitcase and brought out a black leather belt with a load of metal studs on them.

"Whoa," I said, fingering the silver bumps. "You've gotta tell me if my head starts spinning while we're out. I can't imagine how different everything is." I slid the belt through the loops and luckily it had enough holes to yank the Levi's tight enough they wouldn't fall down.

Ryan laughed. "Can do. Here," he said, moving around behind me. "I'm going to put your hair up and we'll tuck it inside a beanie, okay?"

I turned and frowned at him. "Put my hair up?"

He nodded. "Trust me. My hair was longer until last year. Guys with long hair put their hair in messy buns and ponytails all the time."

I shook my head as he started to brush my hair. It was nice. He was very gentle. He did some sort of twist with my hair and wrapped a thick, stretchy band around it. My hair was down past my shoulders when I arrived at the carnival and it hadn't grown or changed… what would happen to it now? I still needed to ask Kal about how the carnival had affected him.

"It's cool outside so this won't look out of place at all." He pulled a stretchy cap over my head and pulled some of the shorter bits of my hair out from under it in front. "Okay, take a look."

He turned me to face a full-length mirror. I immediately reached up and touched my scar. I knew it was there, of course, but I hadn't seen myself in the mirror much.

"People will think you're a badass," Ryan said. He pulled off his t-shirt and sweatpants and stood in just a pair of tight shorts-like underwear. "Makes you look dangerous. Trust me, no one will fuck with you if they see that thing. They'll know you survived something major."

"That's one way to look at it," I muttered. "I used to be told I was pretty."

"Me too," Ryan said. He pulled on a long-sleeved red and black flannel shirt and slipped into a pair of skin-tight black jeans that clung to his muscular legs all the way to the ankle. "Didn't help that my band used to wear a lot of makeup. Then I was in a car crash and went to prison. The scars messed me up enough to where people stopped calling me pretty. Except my buddy Silas. He still calls me pretty. Asshole."

I looked a little closer and could see that, yes, he did have a few scars and a chipped tooth. He also looked like he spent a lot of time out in the sun, but he was striking. He looked like a star, like the men I'd known in my past. "How old are you, Ryan?"

"Just turned thirty," he said. "Never been happier."

I smiled at him. "I'm glad. I'm really happy that you and Kal have each other."

"Thanks. Me too." He raised his eyebrows. He looked in the mirror and put some goopy stuff in his hair and started using his fingers to make it look carefully messy. "Things seem to be progressing with the good detective, huh?"

My cheeks got hot and I looked at myself in the mirror again. The clothes were so big on me, but at least I didn't look too scrawny. And the scars were mostly covered."He's pretty great."

"Yeah. I gotta say, I never thought I'd feel comfortable hanging around a bunch of cops, but him and his buddies are cool guys." He leaned over the counter in the bathroom and applied black eyeliner, which made him even more striking. He had tattoos all over, from his fingers to his neck and down his whole chest. That had to hurt. "And they don't treat me like a loser," he continued, "you know? It's been a long time since people were cool with me."

"I don't know what you were like before, but you've been so nice to me. I can't thank you and Kal enough."

He patted me hard on the shoulder. "No thanks needed. Kal is the greatest gift I've ever been given. Even without the promise we made, I think we'd have stopped for you. He's just good like that. He makes me a better person, you know?"

"I can understand how that's true. Hey, um, all I have are those dusty boots?"

"What size?"

"I don't even know. I don't remember. Maybe eleven? Ten? Nine?"

He laughed and shook his head at me. "Let's see what Scott's got." He opened a door and walked into what looked like a small bedroom but was actually a closet. "He's a thirteen. Wait, his wife's got some Chuck's. Here, try these."

He handed me a pair of sneakers that I actually recognized. They were dark green and they actually fit pretty good.

"How do they look?"

Ryan grinned. "You look just about perfect. Here," he said, handing me some aviator sunglasses. "You'll look cool enough to fit in, enough for people to look twice and think you're in a band."

"I feel kind of ridiculous."

"That's precisely the point. Let's go grab our men."

When we went back out to the living room, Kal's eyes lit up when Ryan walked in. They embraced and Ryan kissed him, then whispered something in Kal's ear.

Walter was having a heated conversation with Denny and Gene, but when he saw me, his eyes went wide. I didn't know if that was a good or bad reaction.

"Everything okay?" I asked him.

He nodded, looking me up and down."Yeah. Very."

"How does the Rainbow sound?" Ryan asked. "That place opened while you were here, right?"

I brightened up. "Yes! We went to the grand opening. They threw a party for Elton John, you know, that English singer?"

Denny snickered. "You mean Sir Elton John."

I blinked. Wasn't that what I'd said? "What a wild night. We'd go there sometimes after we played at the Troubadour."

"Well, you're in luck. It's still very much the same, and there are pictures all over the walls of the folks who've eaten there over the years." Ryan patted my shoulder as we headed for the front door.

I turned to Walter, who was at my back. "You up for this?" I asked him quietly. Denny and Gene had gone out the door ahead of us, followed by Ryan and Kal.

"Yeah. It'll be good."

"What's wrong?"

He sighed as we went through the door, and I pulled him aside.

"Talk to me."

He put his hands on his hips. "I talked to my captain. Told him I'd been doing some work on your case while I was on vacation, but that I was stepping back, handing things over to Denny. He stopped short of ordering me to hand over my badge and service weapon to Denny, but I'm mandated to meet with the department shrink when I return to Bakersfield."

I put my hands on his arms. "Why are you in trouble? Because of me?"

"I'm not in trouble necessarily. He wasn't happy with me, but he commended me for taking a step back and admitting that I was too close to your case."

"But what does this mean? Did you lose your job?"

"No, Dane. No. I might be written up for not getting your witness info to Dax in a speedy manner. It'll go in my file, but I shouldn't lose my job."

"You can't lose your job, Walter. It's not right!" After everything he'd done for me, after losing his father over my case, I couldn't let him lose anything else because of me.

"Hey," he said, putting his arms around me. "Everything's okay. I'm going to protect you, and Denny is going to stay with me until we figure out if this Evans guy was involved and we locate the Buttonwillow suspect. You will be safe, okay?" He held me tight to him, and I swore I felt a tremor run through his body. "We're going to figure this out."

He always had a reassuring answer. But I didn't want him to be hurt because of me.

It was more important than ever that I find these men. If that meant using the board, I'd do it again. If it meant protecting Walter from his need to protect me , I would do it.

"Ride with me?" he asked as he dug his thumbs into my lower back.

"Anywhere."