Chapter twenty

Theo

I arrived at the barn before Aiden or Cal. Usually, I’d have picked up Cal on the way, but he was out buying the supplies he needed to make Rowan’s gift this afternoon. It gave me time alone to walk around the place where Logan spent his last hours. The barn always pulled my guilt and grief to the surface. It never left me, but usually I had it under control enough to fucking breathe. As I stomped through the dead grass, my jeans rubbed against the tender wound on my inner thigh, the sharp pain fighting for attention against all the feelings that threatened to consume me. I relaxed into the ache.

If I had a therapist, they’d probably tell me I was making progress. I’d spent over ten minutes beside the dilapidated barn without hyperventilating. No doubt, they wouldn’t approve of my coping mechanism, but at least I was still on my feet when Cal and Aiden arrived.

“Explain to me again why we have to do this now?”

I asked, blowing on my hands. I should have worn gloves. My fingers were red and painful by the time they showed up.

“Because now is when I have time for projects like this,”

Aiden said. “Plus, we’ll all be busy with Cal’s wedding soon. Speaking of which, what are the plans for the bachelor party, Theo?”

I glanced at Cal, but he just stared at the frozen ground.

“We can have that conversation later when we’re not freezing our nuts off,”

Cal said to his shoes.

“Might as well have it now. We’re still waiting for someone,”

Aiden said, looking across the field toward the road.

“Is someone from your crew helping out?” I asked.

“My whole crew volunteered to help,”

Aiden said, a rare look of embarrassment on his face.

“Wow, that’s incredible,”

Cal said. “Most of them didn’t even know Logan.”

He might be my best friend/brother, but Cal had the emotional IQ of a slug sometimes. “But they all know Aiden,”

I said. “You must be one hell of a boss.”

Aiden shrugged. “I overpay them. So, bachelor party. Is Rowan down for you going to a strip club or are you thinking more along the lines of paint ball and beer?”

“No strip club,”

Cal said. “If we go to one, the girls will too.”

All three of us shuddered.

“Rowan and I were talking about doing a combo bachelor-bachelorette camping trip,” Cal said.

“You’re crazy,”

Aiden said shaking his head. “You think this is cold, try camping out in March. But a combo trip somewhere warm sounds great. What do you think, Theo?”

I looked at Cal long enough for Aiden to narrow his eyes. “What am I missing?” he asked.

“I’m not the best man,”

I said finally.

Aiden’s mouth dropped open. “What?”

“He said no,” Cal said.

“It should be Chris,”

I said, shrugging my shoulders. “He’s Rowan’s brother.”

“Bullshit,”

Aiden said. “Of course, it should be you. You’re the one Cal calls brother.”

“Chris is nervous enough,”

Cal said. “I was hoping you’d be my best man, Aiden.”

“Hell no,”

Aiden said. “Chris and I would only be fill-ins. It has to be you, Theo.”

I shook my head.

“I’m just going to put all your names in a hat and pull one out,” Cal said.

Aiden rubbed his forehead. “I’ll plan the bachelor/bachelorette party because Chris is underage, and Theo hasn’t known a good time in years, but I refuse to be the best man.”

“Y’all really know how to make a guy feel loved,”

Cal said, looking genuinely hurt.

Aiden glared at me. “Whatever bullshit reason you had for saying no, forget it, Theo.”

“It wasn’t bullshit,”

I mumbled.

“Of course, it was,”

Aiden said throwing his arms in the air. “Either you’re worried about having a panic attack at the altar, which could still happen if you’re just a groomsman, or you think you don’t deserve the title. Both are bullshit reasons.”

Of all the places to have this conversation, the site of Logan’s future memorial was the last I’d have chosen.

“Did he tell you why?”

Aiden asked Cal.

“He said you should be my best man because you’d never be Logan’s,”

Cal said quietly.

Aiden sucked in a breath and released it slowly. “Fine, let’s make a deal. Theo, you’re Cal’s best man. I’ll be Theo’s, and Cal can be Chris’s.”

“Chris isn’t even here, and he’s still in high school,” I said.

Aiden pulled his phone from his pocket and made a call. “Hey kid,”

he said. “You cool with asking Cal to be your best man when and if you ever get married, so Theo will stop making excuses and be Cal’s?”

He listened and said, “Thanks. Go back to sleep.”

“You’re assuming I’m getting married someday,” I said.

“Well, maybe not in the traditional sense,”

Aiden said, rubbing his scruff. “But I’ll stand up for you in whatever goth ceremony you and Hell Cat figure out. I heard you finally kissed her Thursday night.”

“He did?”

Cal said, staring at me in pretend shock. Aiden smirked.

“Cut the shit,”

I said, shoving Cal’s shoulder. I wasn’t surprised one or both of them had heard about that kiss at the community center. Peace Falls was small, and everyone knew how long Poppy and I had been circling each other.

Cal grinned at me. “I might have heard about it from one of my patients yesterday.”

Which meant he hadn’t heard it from Rowan, who likely knew what happened after.

“What’s that look for?”

Aiden asked, glaring at me again. “There’s no reason to look so guilty for kissing a woman you like who likes you back.”

I shoved my hands in my pockets.

“What did you do?”

Cal asked, sounding exasperated.

Aiden studied me a moment and burst out laughing. “Her. He did her and now he feels guilty for breaking his monkhood.”

“Did you?”

Cal asked. He looked surprised and oddly proud.

“Do you really want to have this conversation about your sister-in-law?”

I asked. “Here?”

“She’s not his sister yet,”

Aiden said. “Besides, we don’t want the details. Just tell us if you’re finally with her or not.”

“Yeah, that’s all I want to know,”

Cal added.

“We’re together,” I said.

“I’m happy for you man,”

Aiden said, slapping my back. “Even if I owe Lauren a Benjamin. I figured it would take you until after the wedding to grow a pair.”

“Didn’t know you were on betting terms with Lauren,” I said.

Aiden shrugged. “She hates to lose, and anything I can do to piss her off is fun for me. This bet had 50/50 odds of going my way, and 100% odds of making me happy.”

Aiden did look genuinely thrilled. Cal did not, which meant he probably suspected what I’d done after taking Poppy home. For as out of tune as he could be with everyone else, he was hyper-aware of me. Most of that laser focus had shifted to Rowan, but he knew me well enough to know when I was at risk of doing something he’d never understand.

“Walk,”

Cal said, an edge to his voice that ripped the smile from Aiden’s face.

“Leave it, brother,”

I said. “I’m fine, and I’d be honored to be your best man.”

It still felt wrong, but accepting the title would hopefully be enough to get him off my case, for now.

Cal nodded, but I knew it wouldn’t be the end of it. As a PT, Cal studied people’s gaits to understand their injuries. The only cuts he’d ever failed to notice were ones on my torso, which I didn’t like to make because they damaged my ink, or my arms, which were too visible. My refusal to walk was enough confirmation for him. I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation we’d be having this afternoon.

“So,”

I said, “if we’re not meeting one of your guys, who are we meeting, Aiden?”

“Does Poppy know about the cutting?”

Aiden asked. He never called her by her actual name, and the seriousness of his tone meant he wouldn’t stop until I answered him or left.

“Not yet,” I said.

“How is that possible? Were the lights off?”

Cal asked.

“Dude,”

Aiden said. “No details, remember. Hell Cat feels like a sister to me already, and I don’t need that mental image.”

“I kept my legs covered,” I said.

“Again,”

Aiden said, “I don’t want that picture in my head. But that’s weird as shit, Theo.”

“Weird is explaining all those scars to the first woman he’s slept with in years,” Cal said.

“She wasn’t some chick from Church,”

Aiden said. “She deserved that conversation before they fucked. Forget that, she deserved it months ago before she got her feelings all twisted in him.”

“Wow,”

I said. “You really have gone full brother mode with her.”

“Damn right,”

Aiden said. “And based on your not-so-subtle conversation with Cal, I’m guessing you’re cutting again? You promised us you’d stop. Remember?”

Of course, I remembered. It was just after the tenth anniversary of the accident. We’d all talked about what we thought we needed to move past it. Me: Nothing. I’d carry the guilt the rest of my life. But Aiden and Cal had surprised me when they said they needed me to stop cutting myself. It scared them. Clearly, it still did.

“For what it’s worth, Thursday was the first time I’d done it since I made that promise.”

“Which is all the more messed up,”

Cal said. “It should have been one of the best nights of your life.”

“It was,”

I said around the lump in my throat.

I hadn’t seen Poppy since Thursday night because first I was working and then she had a rush custom order. At least, I hoped she did and wasn’t avoiding me. We’d texted back and forth but neither of us mentioned what had happened between us.

“I’m so confused,”

Aiden said, shaking his head. “Maybe I really am as dumb as everyone thinks.”

“No one thinks you’re dumb,”

Cal said. “And I doubt anyone but Theo understands why he does what he does. It certainly doesn’t make sense to me.”

“It was just—a lot,”

I said. “You know I love her.”

“Yes,”

they both said.

“Who do you love?”

asked a soft voice. I turned and watched Everly Hendricks cross the final feet of frozen ground to where we stood beside the barn.

“Hey there, Ev,”

Aiden said, pulling her into a tight hug. “He has it bad for Poppy Stevens.”

“I met her at Karma when she worked there,”

Everly said with a bright smile. “She’s beautiful, Theo.”

I cleared my throat. “She is.”

Shit. Everly Hendricks was here. In the field where we all partied before my buzzed ass got behind the wheel and drove. The last patch of earth where Logan danced and laughed like he had decades left to live, because he should have, would have, if not for me.

“Good to see you, Everly,”

Cal said, pulling her into a hug.

No way in hell could I hug Logan’s sister. I’d rather cut off my arms. I waved at her and shoved my hands in my pockets.

“Theo has a cold,”

Aiden lied. “He’s not being a dick on purpose.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,”

Everly said. “I had a terrible one a couple weeks back. They’re never fun. So,”

she said, clapping her gloved hands together, “you want to build a memorial for Logan?”

“Well, Aiden is technically building it,”

Cal said. “We’re hoping Theo might paint a mural or something. I’m just here for moral support.”

“I’m not sure the barn could handle another coat of paint,”

I said. “It looks ready to fall in at any moment.”

“Agreed,”

Aiden said. “Which is why I think you should make a sculpture.”

“What makes you think I can do that?” I asked.

“Fine, work with Hell Cat and make a sculpture,”

he amended.

Cal turned to Everly. “That’s what he calls Poppy.”

“It doesn’t have to be massive,”

Aiden said. “Then I wanted to build something in honor of Logan. There’s the usual bench or gazebo, but that feels kind of boring, which is why you’re here, Ev.”

“A tree house,”

she blurted out, pointing to the large oak beside the barn. “Something big enough you could sleep in.”

The muscles in Aiden’s jaw clenched. Without a word, he started toward his house, which sat directly next door. Cal looked as confused as I felt, but Everly wiped a tear from her cheek.

“When we were little,”

she said, “Logan and Aiden built this amazing tree house. It was supposed to be a place where they could go to get away from us girls, but every time Aiden slept over, we’d all end up crammed inside. Some of the best memories I have of my brother were made in that tree house. We told ghost stories and sang stupid songs off-key and talked for hours.”

“I remember it now,”

Cal said. “I don’t remember sleeping in it though.”

“You didn’t. Aiden was the only one of Logan’s friends Mom allowed to sleep over because they’d been hopping back and forth from our house to his since they were three. Logan always said he was going to live in a full-sized tree house when he grew up. Should we go after Aiden or give him space?”

Cal and I both shook our heads.

“A tree house is a great idea, Everly,”

Cal said. “Theo, you could paint a mural inside or work with Poppy on a sculpture or both.”

“Yeah,”

I said, kicking at the hard earth with the toe of my combat boot. “It’s perfect.”

“You sure?”

Everly asked. “I mean Aiden didn’t say anything. That’s not like him.”

“He didn’t want to lose it in front of us,”

I said. “The only time I’ve seen him cry was at Logan’s funeral.”

“Same,”

Everly said. We stood in silence until off in the distance Aiden opened his front door and disappeared inside. “So, Theo,”

she said, turning to me. “I’ve been looking into the expungement laws. Our first step would be to petition to have your conviction reduced since you can’t expunge vehicular manslaughter. After that—”

I shook my head. “I appreciate the offer, Everly, but I deserved that conviction and every day of my sentence.”

“The fact you think that makes you an excellent candidate for expungement. You’re a good person, Theo. There’s no reason you should still have restrictions on your life, but as long as you’re a felon, you always will.”

“Because of me, Logan is dead,”

I said, placing my hand gently on her shoulder. “I am a felon. Even if you’re successful, nothing will ever change that for me.”

“Just think about it, OK,”

she said. She looked so much like Logan. The same warm brown eyes. The same easy smile. She was tall like him as well, strong. Seeing her made me miss her brother, which sometimes got lost in all the guilt. “My parents and my sister want this too. If not for yourself, consider doing it for us. Mom got thrown out of the grocery store once because she overheard someone calling you a criminal and lost it on them. As her attorney, I cannot comment on the details, but let’s just say the bakery department suffered casualties. Rolls everywhere.”

Cal threw his head back and laughed. “Do you remember that time my dad told a prospective client to kiss his ass when he called you something?”

“Degenerate,”

I said, fighting the urge to laugh. “He called me a hopeless degenerate.”

“Yeah, well, he got half of it right,”

Cal said, rubbing his forehead.

“Please, Theo,”

Everly said, clutching her gloved hands together. “Promise me you’ll think about it.”

Cal stared at me until I nodded. I’d think about it for however long it took Everly to walk back to her car and drive off, then I’d text her to tell her no.

“It was great seeing y’all,”

she said, pulling Cal into another hug. She waved at me and started back for her car.

“She reminds me of Logan,”

Cal said once Everly was far enough away not to hear.

“Yeah,”

I said, shoving my hands back in my pockets. They’d gone completely numb. “We should get going before my fingers freeze off, and I can’t help you.”

“He would have hated it,”

Cal said, his eyes going glassy.

“The tree house idea?”

I asked. The cold wind whistled through the bare branches of the large oak. I could see it. An elevated house with real windows to keep the chill out in winter and screens to block the bugs in summer. Maybe a narrow porch all around to enjoy the view of the mountains and the rolling farmland. Chairs with a fire pit below for roasting marshmallows. Logan would have loved it.

“No, that’s perfect,”

Cal said, staring off at the tree. “He’d hate how you keep punishing yourself. He also wouldn’t want you to live the rest of your life as a felon if you could help it. It’s bad enough you did time and lost your parents. Logan would have hated that too. But the self-harm,”

he said, turning to face me. “That would have pissed him the fuck off. You know that, right?”

“Logan is dead. We’ll never know what he would have thought or not thought. And that’s because of me.”

“Fine,”

Cal snapped. “I hate it. Aiden hates it. And when you finally man up and tell Poppy, she’ll hate it. I promise you that. You know you have to tell her. She’ll see the scars eventually, and Aiden’s right. She deserves to know.”

I pulled him close in a tight hug. “I’ll tell her tonight, brother,” I said.

“Good,”

he said, pounding my back. He stepped away and wiped at his eyes. “I’m starting to think she’s the only one with a fighting chance of saving you from yourself.”