Chapter eighteen

Theo

The lights were on inside when I arrived home. I grabbed the paper bag from the passenger seat and opened it. Condoms. Mr. Wilson had handed me a 12-count box of condoms in front of everyone. Apparently, he’d had them in his bookbag for months, waiting for me to break. No wonder there were so many smirks and raspy laughs when he handed me the bag at the community center. My first instinct was to laugh as well, but then I realized what they meant.

Since I hadn’t bought condoms from the pharmacy in years, Mr. Wilson had made the correct assumption that the single rubber in my wallet was long expired. I opened the new box and shoved the ribbon of condoms in my pocket. It’d be a miracle if I lasted long enough to get inside Poppy tonight, assuming things went that far. At least I might have more than one chance to be a decent partner.

I walked inside, more nervous and excited than I’d been my first time. Poppy wasn’t in the living room, but a bang from the studio led me to the back of the house.

She was so intent on organizing her tools, she didn’t notice me in the doorway. Her salvaged supplies had sat untouched since she brought them over. I’d worried she’d never use them again, at least not here. She looked adorable, placing each chisel and wire brush on the worktable like a surgeon preparing for an operation. I leaned against the doorframe, admiring her graceful hands, the slight flush in the cheeks, until she saw me.

“How long have you been there?”

she asked, the red in her face deepening.

“Not long,”

I said, pushing off the door frame and walking toward her.

I stopped short when she crossed her arms over her stomach. Shit. Maybe she’d changed her mind. Maybe she liked Aries enough not to start something with me.

I reached out, not realizing I was recreating her sketch in reverse, until she did the same. I quickly stepped closer and laced her fingers in mine.

“Sorry,”

she said. “I don’t know why I’m making this awkward.”

“We both are,”

I said, dropping one of her hands to push her green strand of hair behind her ear, so I could see her eyes. “Want to go to the living room and talk?”

“Good idea,”

she said and took off so fast, she ended up yanking my arm with her. She dropped my hand completely when she settled on the far side of the couch, her tiny body pressed tight against the frayed armrest.

I’d cage her in if I sat right next to her, but sitting on the opposite side of the couch was something I’d have done before, when I needed to be as far from her as possible. I sat smack in the middle of the couch, far enough away she had room to breathe, but close enough she knew I wanted to be near her.

“I have a confession to make,”

I started.

Her gaze snapped to mine, and she seemed to melt further into the sofa. She nodded, the lovely pink draining from her face.

Great. Now I really was the one making this awkward as fuck. “I got into it with Aries today,”

I said quickly. “He told me about your plans for tomorrow, and I realized I might lose you. Which, now that I’m saying it out loud makes me a massive jerk. I wanted you long before he showed up, it’s just that I—”

Didn’t think I deserved to be happy. Didn’t want to saddle you with my truckload of issues. Because you’re so young and vibrant and perfect that I didn’t want to ruin you like I ruined my family, my friends.

“I understand,”

she said with a small smile. “I’ll call him later and cancel.”

My stomach churned. Was I really any better for her than Aries? They were closer in age. Doubt he’d ever had a panic attack that left him helpless on the floor. Of course, he’d be better for her, I heard my father’s voice say. “I—”

“You changed your mind,”

she said, her eyes filling with tears.

“Never,”

I said in a rush. “You’re the first person I think of in the morning and the last when I fall asleep. It used to be Logan. But now, it’s you, and part of me is relieved and part of me feels so guilty. Not just because I’m not thinking about Logan, but because I don’t deserve you. I’m a fucking mess and always will be.”

Poppy launched herself from the armrest and straddled me. She kissed me with so much hunger my dick tried to punch through my jeans to get to her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. She gasped when my hard length pressed against her. Fuck, she felt good.

“Are you sure?”

I asked pulling away.

“Yes. Are you?”

When I nodded, she took my face in both hands. “Say it.”

“I want you, Poppy.”

The relief on her face made my stomach bottom out. I’d hurt her more than I’d realized. I needed to show her how much I’d wanted this, wanted her.

I grabbed the hem of her sweater dress and pulled it over her head, revealing the most delicate pale pink bra I’d ever seen. It was so unlike the harsh black clothing she wore every day and yet so perfectly Poppy. I lowered my mouth and sucked one of her tight nipples through the lace. She moaned and rocked against me.

I was going to lose it before we even got started if she kept moving like that. I stood and she wrapped her legs around me, peppering my neck with kisses that tightened my balls. I practically ran to the bedroom, but when I got there, I looked at the air mattress and frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

she asked, placing her hand on my cheek and forcing me to look her in the eyes.

“I just remembered I don’t have a real bed.”

She twisted in my arms and took in the air mattress sitting in the narrow beam of light from the hallway. “It’ll do.”

I laid her down gently and froze. This wasn’t a dream. She was here, just as turned on as I was. Her chest moved in rapid bursts, her skin flushed in anticipation, lips swollen from my kiss, more beautiful than anything my subconscious concocted to tortured me.

“Theo?”

“You’re exquisite.”

She gave me a soft smile, and I couldn’t wait a moment longer to feel every inch of her. When I reached for the waistband of her leggings, she lifted up to help me roll the black fabric from her shapely legs, leaving her in nothing but a pair of sexy lace shorts that matched her pink bra. I took a step back to admire her as best I could with only the light from the hallway, willing my body to cool long enough to sink inside her before I blew. I wanted to flip on the overhead light and study every curve, but then she’d be able to see all of me.

“Sorry, I’m not a thong girl,”

she said, biting her lip and looking vulnerable. “I know they’re sexy but I can’t walk around with a wedgie all day.”

“You’re perfect,”

I said and the little tension lines in her forehead disappeared.

“Pretty sure talking about wedgies right now makes me less than perfect.”

I leaned down, so I could whisper in her ear. “I’ve never been this turned on.”

A shiver ran through her body before she started fumbling with my shirt. I leaned back and pulled it over my head. Her eyes roamed the ink on my chest and arms before she rose on her knees and placed her hands on my heated skin.

“They’re incredible,”

she said, tracing one of the larger tats on my shoulder. She took her time, letting her fingers roam over every design, gentle, almost reverent. My heartbeat slowed as I relaxed into her touch. Every inch of my torso was inked, except a small patch on my chest.

“You left the skin over your heart blank.”

I nodded.

“Why?”

“I’ve thought about what to put there, but nothing seemed important enough.”

Instead, I’d left it, the blank skin like a note of silence in a song, the emptiness holding a weight of its own.

She rubbed her fingers across my unmarked skin before trailing them down my abs to my fly. A surged of panic rushed through me. I grabbed her wrist. She tensed, and I realized I was holding her too tight.

“It’s been a while,”

I said, rubbing gentle circles on her wrist. And you can’t see me. Not yet. Not without an explanation for the scars that would taint our first time together. “Probably better you don’t touch me if you want me inside you.”

She swallowed, hard, and nodded, her eyes fixed on the bulge in my jeans.

“Hey,”

I said, squeezing her hand. “You set the pace, Poppy. If you’re not ready, we can slow down. We don’t have to have sex tonight.”

She cleared her throat. “Is that what you want?”

“I want whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“If we have sex,”

she said, finally looking up at me. “What does it mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

I asked, suddenly worried I’d misread her sketch. Maybe she only wanted to be friends with benefits. Maybe she still wanted to have dinner with Aries, if not tomorrow, another time.

“Everything,”

she said softly.

“And you’d be mine?”

I asked, my heart pounding in my chest at the thought of her being with anyone else. “I don’t want to share you.”

Every bit of calm I’d felt before evaporated as a desperate need to take her filled me.

“I’m already yours,”

she said, wrapping her arms around my neck. I kissed her as I unclasped her bra with one flick. Then, I rolled us on our sides, so I could use both hands to explore every inch of her beautiful skin without crushing her. She seemed to understand that I’d detonate with one touch and kept her fingers gripped in my hair, her breath becoming more erratic as my fingers roamed everywhere except the juncture of her thighs.

“Theo, please,”

she panted. “I need you.”

I ran my hand down her stomach and lower, feeling the drenched fabric that separated her most intimate parts from me. My balls were already so tight they ached. “I’m going to make you come first,”

I said, working my way to the edge of the bed and tugging the delicate lace down her legs. I wanted this to be good for her even if I couldn’t last, but I almost came when I finally tasted her and she moaned my name. I took my time, slowly circling her clit with my tongue before I plunged a finger into her tight heat and rubbed her front wall. I pressed my other hand on the soft stretch of skin beneath her bellybutton and mimicked the increasing rhythm of my tongue against her salty sweetness. I kept the speed of my finger constant and considered adding another when she arched closer.

“Oh. Wow, that’s—”

Her legs started to shake on either side of my head. I slid a second finger inside her, matching the quick rhythm of my hands, and she fell apart with a scream that echoed off the walls of the near-empty room.

I grabbed the ribbon of condoms and unzipped enough to free my aching cock. She bit her bottom lip and watched me sheaf myself. I leaned forward, my tip brushing against her soft skin. She nodded and I sank into her in one thrust. She was so wet, so tight, I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.

“Fuck,”

I hissed, looking down at her.

Poppy stared back at me with startled eyes.

“You OK?”

I asked. “Did I hurt you?”

“I’m good,”

she said, but her voice sounded tight.

I pulled out an inch and her face twisted in pain. I knew better. I was bigger than average and usually took my time when I was with someone new, especially a woman as small as Poppy. “Kardoula mou,”

I said, but she wrapped her legs around me and pulled me closer until I bottomed out again.

“Move, Theo,”

she said, running her nails down my back.

I pumped in and out as slowly as possible until I was certain her gasps were from pleasure, not pain.

“I’m not going to last,”

I said, gritting my teeth. I propped myself up with one arm and lowered my other hand to her clit, rubbing it in time with my thrusts. She bounced back into me on the over-inflated mattress, tightening more each time. Within moments, we came together, the release unlike anything I’d ever felt.

I pulled out and rolled off her but drew her close while my breathing slowed. “That was incredible,” I said.

“Is it always like that?”

she asked breathlessly.

Something in the way she said it made my heart stop. “With me or with anyone?”

I asked carefully.

“Um, with you, of course,”

she said, the beautiful glow in her cheeks deepening to scarlet.

“Poppy,”

I said, taking her face in my hands. “Be honest with me. Was this your first time?”

She nodded and all the blood in my head drained to my stomach like a pile of bricks. “You let me take your virginity on an air mattress? Without telling me?”

Her eyes filled with tears.

“Don’t cry,”

I said, pulling her tight. She pressed her face to my chest, her tears leaving a trail of searing guilt down my skin. “Please don’t cry. I’m just worried I hurt you. If I’d known, I would have been gentler, especially at the beginning. Why didn’t you tell me?”

She laughed and then hiccupped, the sound wet and pained. “If I told you, you wouldn’t have touched me.”

“That’s not—”

“That’s exactly what would have happened,”

she said, looking up at me. “You’re regretting it now. Aren’t you?”

“Being with you, no. Hurting you, absolutely.”

“I’m fine. I promise. Are you mad at me?”

The tears made her eyes impossibly greener. They were so beautiful and utterly focused on me. A feeling I’ve never experienced filled my chest, warm and painful. I was so in love with this woman it hurt.

“Myself,”

I said, brushing away her tears with my thumbs. “I’m only angry at myself.”

“Well, stop then,”

she said, smacking my chest. “That was fucking amazing. In case you missed it, I came twice. Pretty sure most women can’t say the same for their first time.”

“You did, didn’t you?”

I said, smiling.

“So, what happens now?”

she asked.

“I take you home,”

I said and kissed her wrist, where her pulse fluttered in rapid beats. “You’re not spending the night on this crappy mattress.”

“I don’t mind, as long as I’m with you.”

I shook my head. “I’ll walk you home.”

I pulled off the condom, knotted it, and shoved it in my pocket before tucking myself back in my jeans. I wanted her to stay, probably needed her to stay, but the pressure was building. There was only one way to let it out, and I couldn’t do it with her here.

“Fine,”

she huffed. “But you need to buy a real mattress ASAP.”

“Anything for you,”

I said, kissing her hand.

Her eyes were sad as she stroked my face, and I worried I’d hurt her more than she let on.

“You sure you’re all right?”

I asked, my chest tightening.

She nodded. “One of these days,”

she said, caressing me with a tenderness that stole my breath, “you’re going to realize your worth.”

I closed my eyes, enjoying her touch as long as I could before the guilt forced me to my feet and away from her. When I returned after walking her home, I went straight to the bathroom closet and grabbed the first aid kit with the razor blade hidden inside.