chapter twenty-nine

chase

“I need to start getting ready,” Meghan called out from the bathroom. She’d left me with Wanda on the bed in my underwear while she peed and cleaned herself up.

“What for? Your coven meeting?” I teased.

“No,” she said, letting out a laugh. I heard the toilet flush. “It’s a book club meeting at Sarah Gardner’s house.”

“You should try to get the tea on what really happened between Owen and the high school football coach, Sarah’s ex,” I said, scratching Wanda just above her tail, making her purr louder by the second. “I heard they got into a fist fight once.”

“Really, Chase? Owen Gardner would never get in a fist fight,” she said, opening the bathroom door to look at me. She was wearing a black bathrobe, and her hair was pinned back with a clip. “You shouldn’t believe everything you read on Concerned Citizens of Woodvale.”

She was probably right. Maybe she should heed that advice herself the next time she published an article that divided people.

“Owen, Xander, and Mason are playing poker at the Gardners' tonight,” she added, stepping out of the bathroom. “You should come.”

I leaned back against the headboard, trying not to laugh. “I’m not just going to show up at the Gardners’ house uninvited.”

Meghan shook her head, already pulling her phone from the pocket of her robe. “I’m sure it’d be fine,” she insisted.

Her thumbs tapped rapidly over the screen, and I heard the familiar whoosh of a text being sent. A few seconds later, her phone buzzed, and she glanced down with a smug grin.

“Sarah said Owen told her, ‘absolutely.’ See?”

I had to admit, the thought of playing poker with those guys was pretty enticing. It’d been years since I played with my dad and his brothers, though, and I might have been a little rusty. “I don’t know. I don’t want to ruin the vibe.”

Meghan crawled onto the bed, kneeling beside me. “Xander’s going to be present. The vibe is already a little iffy.”

I chuckled, eyeing the way her robe gaped open to reveal part of her thigh. As she stroked Wanda between the ears, her eyes lifted to meet mine, making me aware I’d been staring. There was a thoughtful look on her face—the face she wore when something was on her mind, but she couldn’t say the words.

I cleared my throat. “Do we… do we want to arrive together?”

“Like a couple?”

“Yeah. Is that what you want?”

Meghan’s hand came to a stop, making the cat let out a disgruntled chirp and twitch her tail in an attempt to get her attention. But Meghan didn’t notice, holding my gaze as a heavy silence stretched between us. And the longer it went on, the louder it became. Why was she hesitating?

“Forget I said that.”

“No, it’s—”

“I’m not trying to move things along too fast. Really.”

Meghan shifted beside me, her lips pressing together like she was trying to decide if she wanted to say something else or let the silence win. Her hand returned to Wanda’s fur, stroking absentmindedly now, but her gaze never left mine. “It’s just… complicated,” she said.

Complicated . I hated that word. I nodded, pretending to understand. “I know.”

After a moment’s pause, I pushed myself up from the bed and grabbed my jeans, pulling them on. “We can just play it by ear. It’s totally—” I paused, suddenly needing to swallow, “—fine.” I swallowed. Why did I have so much trouble getting that last word out?

Maybe because it wasn’t true.

I buttoned my jeans slowly like I was stalling for time. I knew I should just leave the conversation at that. We were in a good place. Fragile, but good. Before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Can I just ask—what’s holding you back?”

I regretted the question the second the words tumbled out of my mouth. Did I even want the answer?

The way Meghan frowned down at her lap, rubbing the sash from her bathrobe between two fingers, told me I didn’t. “I just… I know I’m a lot to handle,” she started. “I still am. Even though today ended up being pretty easy, I barely thought about my mom at all—which is something I’ll probably feel guilty about later—I still have dark days. Like I did before. I’m still the same, sad girl.”

She paused to look at my face, watching me as I slid onto the edge of the bed beside her.

“You probably think I’m this changed, healed person, but I’m not. I don’t want to be a burden on someone else.”

“Meg,” I said, giving her bare knee a squeeze. “You’d never be a burden to me.”

“But I was ,” she said quickly, making my heart feel like it leapt up to my throat. She shook her head, staring down at her silk sash again. “I was a burden to you.”

“Come on, no you weren’t. It was a challenging time, yes, but I—”

“Chase,” Meghan interrupted, rolling her eyes. “I could feel the resentment rolling off of you every time you walked in the door and saw me crying again. Maybe you never said it out loud, but I could feel it.”

I wasn’t quite sure how to defend myself without making it worse. I squeezed her knee harder, like somehow my true emotions would translate. “I’m sorry, but you misread me. Your grief never burdened me. I just felt ill-equipped to handle it. I felt… inadequate. I kept trying to do my best, but it was like everything I tried was just… wrong. You would only push me farther and farther away. In fact, I felt like I was burdening you .”

“Of course you weren’t.”

I picked my shirt up off the floor and held it between my knees, still perched on the edge of her bed. Right there was another opportunity to let the conversation drop, but once again, my big stupid mouth had to push things too far. “You know, you hurt me, too,” I mumbled, barely opening my mouth.

Maybe it didn’t need to be said. Maybe she already knew. But just in case she wasn’t aware, it was out in the open now.

“I just—” Meghan sucked in a shaky breath like she was holding back a sob. “I just had to let you go because I knew you deserved better. Someone happy.”

“I didn’t want happy. I wanted you.”

Her lips trembled as she hugged her knees to her chest. It dawned on me then that we’d had this same argument before, both of us attempting to make these very same points during the break-up, when everything was still raw. Now that we’d had time to reflect and mature, we could finally hear each other. Despite what she might believe, she wasn’t the same person she was three years ago, and neither was I. But that was a good thing.

Because maybe the new versions of us could finally get this right.

I stood up to go, turning toward her to cup her face in my hand. She leaned into the touch as I slid my thumb along her cheekbone. “Look. We’ll figure this out.”

Meghan nodded. That was a relief.

I bent down to kiss the top of her head. “I’ll see you at the Gardners tonight,” I whispered, pulling my hand away from her soft cheek. The corners of Meghan’s lips turned upward in a tiny smile, and I hurried out of there before I had the chance to say something stupid. I couldn’t lose her again.

My heart beats only for you , I thought as I picked my bag up off of Meghan’s living room rug. Those 1800s lesbians were a little dramatic with their love proclamations, but then again, I could relate.