9. Nia

The ride down the elevator is a blur. And when I reach the foot of the building, I barely notice the scary men standing guard like terracotta soldiers. My entire body is shaking, my hands clammy, my gut twisted. And my heart… my poor heart feels like it's being fisted out of my cracked open chest. How could this happen? Why? What sort of cruel, sick man does this? Pretends he fell in lust and love at first sight. Makes grand promises. Vows of a lifelong commitment. To end up throwing me out on the street like a used condom… I don't get it. With the way he looks, his money and social position, Ken doesn't need to lie to bag women. I can't let these thoughts take over right now. I feel sick to my stomach. Literally. Nausea and a pounding headache fog my mind and vision. I pull my cell phone out of my clutch with shaky hands and order a ride share. Home. Get home safe. Then maybe I can try to process this monumental mess.

I manage to hold it in till the Uber takes off. The guy was eyeing me suspiciously the whole ride to my place. Probably thinking I was high off my mind. Nope, just got my soul fucking destroyed.

But that's as far as my body resisted. I hunched over, spilling the contents of my stomach behind a bush that lines my building entrance. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, feeling hot and cold all at once, shivering, head pounding, my empty stomach still twisting. And my heart? Fuck, my chest feels like a gaping wound.

I drag myself up to my apartment, thankful for the cover of the late night hour. No one is around. After a scorching shower where I scrub myself almost raw of Kenji's scent and the feel of his touch, I put on clean clothes, and bury myself under a mountain of blankets.

I don't understand how what seemed like the best night of my life turned into a complete nightmare. Sleep doesn't come. I lie there, eyes open in the darkness of my room. Feeling dirty and used and dumb. Feeling like the very worse version of myself. Like I'm worth nothing. I don't even have it in me to muster anger. I'm just… empty.

* * *

I look at the screen of my ringing cell. It's Maty. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes, my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. I have to pick up. It's the third time she's called this morning. I can't keep dodging her or she'll get worried, suspect something is wrong, and maybe show up here. I can't let her see me like this. All puffy-eyed. She'll know right away that something is wrong. And I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm not even sure I'll ever admit to my friends the disastrous ending of my night with Kenji. They're kind, beautiful, compassionate souls. I know they would support me. Go to bat for me. But these women were claimed and chosen by their alpha males. Men made of the same cloth as The Katana. Even if Alessio hasn't swept Maty off her feet yet, I know it's just a matter of time. I'm sad, ashamed, and I feel lost. So fucking lost. I don't know what's wrong with me that I didn't read Ken better. And I'm not ready to admit my failure to my girls. Or anyone else, for that matter.

I let out a shaky exhale. "Keep it together, Nia." Then I accept the call.

"Hey, girlie," she singsongs.

"Hey," I croak out.

"So… how was last night?" Her tone is excited, happy for me.

"It was fun," I answer evenly.

"Fun?! Girl, you better give me more than that."

I let out a fake laugh. "It was really nice."

Maty marks a pause. "Is… is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I hurry to reassure her. "We had a great time, then he had shit to do." My insides twist, but I push the emotion down. "So I came home."

"And?" Maty insists.

"And nothing. It was just a onetime thing. You know, two consenting adults, night out with friends, no biggie."

"No biggie?" Her tone is incredulous. "Nia, I was there. I saw how you two-"

I interrupt her. "Were very attracted to each other. We fucked. It was great. End of story. Now what I wanna know is, how did things go with Alessio after we left?" I try deflecting.

"Nia?"

"Hmmm?"

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, girl. Just tired. Listen, I need to get off the phone, but you owe me a breakdown of your night at the club with your hot boss."

"Sure," she agrees, but her tone is unconvinced.

"Let's have coffee soon and catch up, yeah?"

"O… okay." And just before I hang up, my amazing bestie rushes to add. "Nia? I'm here if you want to talk… Or if you need anything."

I nod in my empty apartment, a single tear sliding down my face, my throat growing tight. "I know, babe. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye, Nia."

* * *

I haven't seen my girls or really spoken to them in weeks. I always have a good excuse. Busy with work, going to visit my mom, out of town for the weekend. No one knows what happened with Kenji that night. At least not from me. But I know they suspect. Me? I try to move forward. But it's fucking hard. Feels impossible. I'm stuck because none of it makes sense. How one minute that man was everything I ever dreamed of and more, and the next he turned into the worst type of fucking asshole. A fucking rude, disrespectful, mean, inconsiderate liar who took advantage. And he didn't even need to. I would have had a no-strings, no questions asked, one-night-stand with Kenji in a heartbeat.

See? Stuck. I haven't even moved past the first phase of grief. Shock. There's definitely no denial: his message was loud and clear. ‘You're nothing but a piece of ass.' Pain and guilt are definitely major elements of the rollercoaster of emotions I've been going through. There's a lot of anger! Some bargaining with God, to please remove this anvil from my chest. And even I admit I'm depressed, hiding away, no eating or sleeping much, not talking, no desire to do anything. Yeah, acceptance and hope are far away, barely twinkling lights at the end of a tunnel I've only just stepped foot into.