Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

Xavier

Pulling into the driveway to Kate’s house, I killed the ignition and let the car rattle to a cool with Dexter and me still sitting inside of the cab. Both of us had barely talked the entire trip back to California, outside of the occasional check-ins after getting through TSA and then on and off the plane.

While there was a lot left unsaid between us, I was sure we both agreed that the exhaustion from this impromptu trip had won out over that entirely. Dexter wasn’t exactly surprised when I woke him up early this morning with both of our bags packed and an outfit laid out for him.

Nor was he taken aback when Gage met us at the door to bid us a soft, heartfelt goodbye that left tears in my eyes when we climbed into the rental car and jetted off for the airport.

Yesterday seemed like an entire lifetime ago compared to now. Idling in Kate’s driveway had somehow taken me off autopilot, slowly pulling me back into my consciousness and reality. The gravity of ‘ now what’ weighed on me more than I’d really anticipated.

There were no rule books that came with dealing with situations like this one. No proper protocol was discussed in Parenting 101 when you first met your baby in the hospital and all of the nurses and doctors came around to congratulate you on your new bundle of joy.

Why could this world be so dark and cruel and why were those that perpetrated against the laws of nature allowed to still walk freely among us with seemingly no consequences?

I was so lost, so goddamn angry.

“Just tell me one thing, Dex…” My voice was soft as I spoke. “And I won’t ask you anything else about this until you’re ready to talk.”

His face was obscured by his hood pulled up over his head, intentionally left like that throughout our entire journey home save for the one time TSA had asked him to pull it down to confirm his identity.

When he slowly turned away from looking out the windshield, his eyes were glazed over from lack of sleep and the rough ride we’d had coming home from being crammed back in economy.

“Does mom know?” I asked.

His lips thinned into a small frown. My heart sank at the way his gaze moved away from mine, his eyes downcast into his lap where he fiddled with his hands.

“A little.”

That’s all I needed to know.

I reached over to put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze and a silent ‘thank you’ for being honest with me.

None of this was easy to talk about at all, and what little info he’d given me so far was enough to paint the picture he was trying to tell me without actually having to relive the trauma of recounting the entire situation.

I appreciated anything at this point.

But now I had an even bigger problem—my ex-wife and her not informing me about this. If she found out recently, that was one thing, but there was a deep twisting in my gut telling me otherwise.

Kate wasn’t one to bring me in on anything when it came to Dexter without humiliating me first into begging on my hands and knees for the damn crumbs she decided to bless me with whenever she felt like it.

I didn’t want to be bitter toward her, not when deep down in my heart, I knew that whatever Kate’s choices were, they were made in good faith to keep Dexter safe even when I didn’t agree with them.

But this was so much different.

This was not her putting him into a private Catholic school against my wishes, or forcing him into some sports club when he obviously wanted to get onto the debate team. This wasn’t her bringing him to church every Sunday to sit in some goddamn pew for two hours while praying to a God that I was pretty sure our kid didn’t even believe in.

The second she found out about any of this, she should’ve been showing up on my doorstep demanding to talk to me. Because that’s sure as fuck what I was about to do right now.

Climbing out of the car, I let the door slam shut behind me and grabbed the handle of the one behind me to fish Dexter’s bag out. He got out after me a moment later, slowly sliding off of his seat until his feet finally hit the pavement.

His body was hunched in on itself while he grabbed onto one of the strings coming down from his hoodie. Coming around the other side of my car, I watched him hover next to his door for a long moment, staring at the front door that was still closed and the light above it still on from the night before.

“I’ll let them know you’re tired so they leave you alone to sleep,” I said, trying to offer him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

His frown only deepened, though, his body still unmoving.

This horrible situation, however long it had been going on for Dexter, only seemed to encourage his reserved nature. Not that I could really blame him for wanting to shut himself off from the rest of the world at this point.

What good was any of it to him when all it seemed to throw at him was fucking nightmares?

“I’m sorry, dad.”

Wait, what the fuck?

“Dex, no, you have nothing to be sorry for! None of this is your fault.”

“But we cut the trip short because I?—”

“Son, no. No.”

I waved a hand at him, holding my arm up to beckon him over until he finally peeled himself away from the side of my car to shuffle over to me. His body practically sagged into mine when he reached me, allowing me to wrap a tight arm around him as I guided him up to the front steps leading into the house.

I hadn’t bothered to call Kate ahead of time about any of this, mainly out of pure avoidance. There was no doubt in my mind that as soon as I called or even texted her that we were coming home earlier than she’d anticipated, I would’ve had a slew of calls and texts popping up on my notification bar the second we landed.

Call me selfish but I really wasn’t in the mood to be dealing with any of that.

Even now, standing there as I rang the doorbell, I felt a headache coming on.

After a minute of us waiting, the lock on the other side of the door clicked as it was shoved back from the dead bolt, the door opening a moment later. A man, tall, with glasses and a large forehead, stood in front of the glass storm door with a confused expression on his face.

Both of us stepped back so he could push the door open. “Dexter? I thought you were coming home later this week?”

“Dan, right?” I shoved a hand in the gap separating the door from the frame. “I’m Xavier. It’s nice to meet you.”

He glanced down at my hand with very obvious disdain; the wrinkles forming on his forehead were prominent while his face pinched into a sour look. I held my hand there, plastering a pleasant smile on my face when he finally looked up at me again.

When he slowly took my hand, I squeezed his back, giving it a hard shake. “We had some things come up on the trip. I’ve got Dex’s bag if you want to take it.”

Ripping my hand away from his, I used it to push the storm door open further while wiggling the strap of Dexter’s bag off my shoulder and passed it between us. Dan’s eyes widened and quickly, he took the bag in his arms.

While he was momentarily distracted with that, I nodded to Dexter while continuing to hold the door open. Taking my hint, he ducked under my arm to head inside, disappearing beyond the foyer and hopefully, up to his room where he could lock himself in for the rest of the morning to decompress.

I was damn worried about my kid but I also knew that it was important to give yourself the time to come down from the spike in stress hormones. Fuck, I knew I’d needed plenty of that when I was discharged.

“Is there a reason you brought him back so early?” Dan asked.

While he didn’t exactly sound annoyed, he certainly didn’t look too happy.

Was that from the lack of planning on our end, not communicating, or something else?

Such as him not wanting my kid around in general.

I wanted to believe the best in this man, having stepped up where I couldn’t, in raising Dexter, no matter what my pride and ego said about some other man raising my son. Yet, I also knew the statistics of men treating their step kids like pariahs due to that very reason.

Would Kate bring a man like that around to help raise Dexter?

I certainly hoped not.

“Kate around?” I asked instead of answering him, leaning around him to look deeper into the house.

He huffed at me, sliding the bag down to the floor while saying, “Look, I don’t know what your game is, but?—”

“Dan?” Kate called. “Did I just see Dexter going upstairs?”

Before either of us could answer her, she appeared in the doorway looking shocked to see me. Her dirty blonde hair was wrapped up in a tight ponytail, the long lengths hanging down behind her. Even though it was early in the morning, she had her makeup down and a nice outfit on.

The only thing that was out of place was her slightly white-dusted hands. Presumably from some kind of bread dough she was most likely making for church dinner this coming Sunday.

“Xavier...” she breathed out.

I grabbed the door to yank it completely open. “I need to talk to you.”

“I think it’s best if you leave,” Dan said, fixing me with a glare.

I ignored him, staring my ex-wife down. “It’s about Dex. You know I wouldn’t be showing up here like this if it wasn’t important.”

Her expression faltered. Even though she clearly wanted to fight me—most likely to tell me to get the fuck off her property—she knew I was right. I wasn’t the kind of jealous ex to show up and demand for her to take me back or something as equally ridiculous.

We took our shit with Dexter seriously. There was no such thing as ‘needlessly bothering each other’ over trivial matters in order to annoy each other to death. Thankfully, that was the one mature thing we both mutually agreed on long ago.

“Kate,” Dan said, a little panicked when she stepped out onto the landing.

“I’ll be just a second,” she said, swinging the storm door closed behind her.

Dan watched us through the glass, wearing a clearly dissatisfied frown.

Not wanting an audience to this—because who knew if Dan was even aware of this situation—I led Kate down to my car and parked us right around the side of it, facing away from the door. I doubted her new husband could read lips, but on the off chance, I was taking every precaution.

“What happened? Why did you bring him home so early?” She crossed her arms. “Don’t tell me you got sick of him over having him for just a weekend.”

I ignored the jab. “Dexter told me about Father Thomas.”

Instantly, her face went white.

“When were you going to tell me?” I asked. “Better yet. When did you find out?”

Her arms slowly dropped from her chest while she swallowed audibly.

It hurt more to know that she kept this from me than her questioning the integrity of my parenting before allowing me to take my own kid across state lines for a weekend.

“He... he told you...” she whispered.

“Yes, Kate. I know it may blow your mind to realize that my son actually tells me things, but yeah, he told me. When the fuck were you going to tell me and when did you find out?”

She fumbled over her words. “Last summer... he— I was having a really hard time taking him to church because he was refusing to go. It was out of the blue, and...” To her credit, she looked like she felt incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry.”

So, around the time he said he’d stopped going to church with her. “Is that when it happened?”

“I-I think so... He didn’t want to talk about it.”

Yeah, no shit.

“ Did you report it? What the fuck happened with the priest?”

“Of course I did!” she spat out. “What kind of mother do you take me for?”

“One that doesn’t tell the father jack-shit.” All right, it was a low blow. Sue me. I was too angry with her, with the fucking priest—with the rest of the goddamn world—to care right now.

She flinched. “What, so I was supposed to call you up and say to you, ‘hey, long time no talk. Just to let you know, our son was molested today!’. Is that what you wanted, Xavier?”

“Yes!” I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Kate?”

“I was protecting him ? —”

“You brought him there! To that fucking church! I told you I didn’t want him raised in that shit, and you did it anyway. You handed him over to a fucking predator!”

Her eyes grew watery, looking as though I’d just struck her with my own hand across her cheek. I wanted to feel bad at her stumbling back from me, shocked to hear something so hateful spilling out of my mouth.

The truth of the matter was that I really didn’t care. Not when I’d be lied to and misinformed about a situation that definitely was supposed to involve both parents in making a decision on what was best for our child.

I should’ve been there when the police report was filed and when my son had to recount the entire goddamn thing to a room full of strangers with badges. Or afterward, when I was sure he was feeling so raw and exposed it was a wonder he didn’t walk right out into the middle of traffic.

“If you tell me Dan fucking knew before I did, I’m going to lose it,” I gritted through my teeth.

“He’s my husband , Xavier. I wasn’t going to lie to him about what was going on.”

“No, just lie to the father of your child, instead.” I tightened my hands into fists.

I forced myself to step away from her before I yelled something even worse at her; my adrenaline was spiking so high that my vision was beginning to tunnel. This was the same kind of intense aggression I felt whenever I was thrown into combat.

A kill-or-be-killed type situation that was slowly morphing into murderous intent. Wherever that priest was, he better count his fucking days because I was coming for him. No matter what jail cell he was rotting inside. I’d pay him a little visit.

“Xavier,” Kate choked out. “Stop. Okay? It’s done and over with.”

“Where is he? Which jail?”

When I turned to her, she was shaking her head. “He’s not?—”

I ripped open the door to my car before she even got the sentence out. My thoughts were thundering around me—repeating what an utter failure the justice system really was. Of course the priest walked. Of course they probably transferred him to another parish. Of course my son would never receive any justice.

At that point, I didn’t care if I went to jail. At least my son wouldn’t have to constantly be afraid and looking over his shoulder.

Kate raced over to me, grabbing the handle from the outside before I could pull it open. She was screaming something at me while I turned the key that I’d left in the ignition, letting the car roar to life.

“Stop!” She grabbed a hold of the front of my shirt, practically throwing herself over my lap to stop me from grabbing at the gearshift. “He’s dead! He died!”

My body froze.

“He’s dead, Xavier!” she kept repeating. “He killed himself. Please, get out of the car!”

Her nails dug into my arm, using that infamous mom-strength that all women seemed to possess at the most crucial of times, in order to yank me out of the car. I faltered, pitched sideways and crashed onto the driveway, crushing my shoulder in the process.

The sharp and sudden pain was enough to temporarily break me from whatever tunnel vision and hair-brained plan I’d had in going up to Kate’s church in order to bust down the doors and drag whatever white-collared fool I could get my hands on to interrogate.

Kate’s sobs were what brought me back to reality, along with her nails biting into my skin still.

“I’m sorry,” she kept repeating. “I knew you’d go to jail. I’m sorry.”

Behind her, Dan hovered just a few feet from where we were, clearly lost on what to do. He’d probably sprinted out as soon as he’d seen her trying to yank me out of the car. Or who knows, maybe it was when we’d begun yelling at each other about our shared responsibility in failing to protect our only child in all of this.

“When,” I croaked.

Reading my cryptic question for what it was, she answered, “Right after he was arrested. He hung himself in his cell.”

“Coward,” I spat out, while pushing myself up from the driveway.

My shoulder screamed from me rotating it a few times to check to make sure I hadn’t blown it out of the socket. Outside of the dizzying pain, it would be fine with an ice pack and a few Tylenol.

“He needed you here,” Kate sniffled. “Not in a jail cell.”

Much the same mantra I’d told myself yesterday after finding out. How funny the way things changed in the blink of an eye.

“You never told me,” I said.

“I was going to. Eventually.”

I shook my head.

While I wanted to believe her, I didn’t know how true that really was when everything finally boiled down to it. Perhaps Kate had the intention to do so back when it first happened, letting the dust settle long enough with the case before bringing it to me because of her genuine—and now proven—fear that I’d do something irrational.

But there wasn’t any excuse now that it was almost an entire year later since the actual incident.

“Don’t blame her,” Dan was saying. “It’s not her fault.”

“Shut up, Dan,” I snapped. I really wasn’t in the mood for the fucking peanut gallery to be weighing in on this. “Your fucking church. I’m blaming whoever the fuck I want.”

He had no rebuttal to that. Thankfully.

If he opened his mouth again, I really was going to end up taking out all of my aggression on him. Which wasn’t going to fair well with asking Kate to let me see Dexter again. In her eyes, I was already on thin ice from the drinking and being out of Dexter’s life.

Which... now I supposed the odds were even.

“You’re not bringing him back to that fucking church,” I said, slowly standing. “Or any of them.”

She shook her head, looking up at me. “I haven’t, I swear.”

For the roles to reverse like this so suddenly was jarring. Now I was on the side of the disappointed parent looking down at the fuck-up that caused out son harm and pain.

Perfect Kate was no longer so perfect.

Letting out a long sigh, I let my anger fade into numbness. At this point, there was nothing that could be done. No matter how much I yelled and screamed at Kate over it, she couldn’t wave a wand and go back in time to fix any of it.

That ship had come and gone along with the priest who was, hopefully, now rotting in a hell I no longer believed in but could for this occasion.

At least Dexter was safe from him.

Dan moved closer to us in order to pick Kate up off the driveway. She was still staring at me with those big doe-eyes of hers that I’d gotten so used to seeing during our first few years of marriage. She’d looked to me to be her leader when I’d had no clue what the hell I was doing. She’d put her trust in me in more ways that I probably deserved at the time.

And now here we were, standing face-to-face while we were both lost.

I didn’t want to hate her, or blame her, despite my anger. Eventually, I’d probably forgive her, even though for now, that seemed like a very distant wish.

Whatever happened at this point and moving forward, we needed to do it together. No more of this bullshit with us fighting for control over the other. Clearly that wasn’t working for either of us.

“Kate.”

Her uncertain stare was all I got in return.

“I need you, going forward, to meet me halfway. We can’t keep doing this. I’m tired of being left out of things that are important. I get that I wasn’t the best dad around the past decade, but I’m here now. We both fucked up. I need you to stop holding my past over my head, just like I’m choosing not to do so with you right now.”

She swallowed visibly.

I held my hand out to her. “We’re going to actually co-parent from here on out.”

Slowly, she placed her hand in mine, shaking it. “Okay. No more hatchet.”

“No more hatchet,” I agreed, squeezing her hand.