Chapter 17

W hen Talia mentioned it to Dani a few days later, Dani raised her eyebrows. "What a great idea. I wonder if anybody here wants cooking classes. I imagine that, as a life skill, cooking classes would be something that a lot of people could use, patients and staff alike.… It never even occurred to me. I don't cook myself much at all," she shared, with an eye roll. "I mean, when you think about it, it's not something that we have to do here. Plus, when we do cook at home, it's more like throw your own steak on the barbecue and go from there."

"Very true," Talia agreed, smiling. "Also an interesting way to look at the stressors that these guys all have to deal with, once they are no longer at Hathaway House."

"For anybody who doesn't know how to cook, that's an added stress to leaving here, which is already stressful, and we don't want them to fail so…" Dani was nodding. "I might talk to Ilse about that. We won't get anything in place for Xavier before he leaves here, but we can get it started for others hopefully."

"Xavier leaving is coming up so fast and is already causing me no end of stress."

"Of course it is," Dani noted gently. "But I think you two taking cooking classes together will be huge."

"I hope so. It's such a funny thing to even realize that I can't cook, and neither can he, and here he's the one who signed up to do something about it."

"And I love that," Dani declared. "I really do. I love to see the initiative happening."

So did Talia, but it was something so obvious that once again it surprised her. She hadn't really considered the cooking issues for her or for the patients here. Now that it had been identified, it was a glaring difference between the way her and Xavier's minds worked. And she wasn't even sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. As it was, it didn't really matter because it was already in progress. And the two of them cheerfully picked out three different courses—one a weekend workshop, and the two others were evening classes.

Xavier asked her, "You'll be okay to do evenings?"

She nodded. "I'll be just fine to do evenings."

"Good, because a bunch of other stuff is offered in town that I was hoping maybe I could take you to."

She smiled at him. "Like what?"

"I don't know how you feel about sports games, but a few of them I would like to see. Also I haven't been to the movies in a long time.… Such a strange feeling, having these options, almost like having a new lease on life."

"I don't know about a strange feeling," she replied, "but sounds like a wonderful feeling to me."

He smiled. "See? I like that. You're always up for something new."

"Of course. And I haven't necessarily been great about going forward and learning things that I need to learn on my own," she noted, "but you've really opened my eyes too. You've got a real gung-ho attitude, and I'm really enjoying that."

He smiled. "So, if we are doing these classes, particularly something on a weekend, would you be okay to stay overnight at my place?"

She nodded. "It would make a lot more sense than driving back and forth daily—as long as you get a place that's big enough."

"Right. That'll be a big priority."

"Of course, but not just that. I'm sure you would like to have much more in your world too."

He grinned. "So many different things would be fun to do," he shared, "and to know that I have you there to share it with is major."

As the days went on, she found that she was getting more and more… not upset, just short-tempered and easily distracted.

Finally Dani called her in and said, "Hey, obviously you're struggling with something."

"And I shouldn't be," she muttered. "It's stupid."

" But …" Dani nudged her.

" But he's moving out in a few days."

Dani understood. "Right. And you fear those changes will be the end of your relationship."

"No, no, not at all," Talia countered. "That's why I feel so stupid. And I don't mean to bother you or to disturb you with any of this.… And I'm sorry I've been so distracted."

Dani held up a hand. "Stop. I'm talking to you as a friend, not as an employer. Obviously something is upsetting you, and I needed to find out what."

"The what is just plain stupid," she admitted, "because we've already booked cooking classes together. So obviously him leaving Hathaway House is not the end. Still, it just,… well, it feels as if it's the end."

"Well, it's the end as you currently know it," Dani clarified.

"Maybe that's it," Talia conceded, with a nod. "And I guess I'm not handling the idea that another beginning is in here."

"Beginnings are good though," Dani reminded her.

"Maybe, but they're also hard. And it feels very much as if he might find a whole new world out there, and maybe I won't be a part of it."

Dani stared at her. "Oh, wow. So really it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he's leaving but the fact that you feel very insecure in the relationship."

Nonplussed, that insight sent light bulbs going off in her head. "And that's just foolish, isn't it?"

"I don't know that it's foolishness, so much as I think it's probably a fairly normal reaction," Dani replied, with a gentle smile. "And, of course, you're nervous and, of course, you're worried. You're probably also worried about how he'll make out while he's out there in the big bad world."

"Sure. Yet it's funny because I expect him to do really well."

"Maybe too well?" Dani asked, with another shrewd insight.

"And that would be just terrible if that's what I was expecting," Talia admitted, with a heavy sigh. "Why do we do this to ourselves?"

"Because we care," Dani said instantly. "And caring is never wrong."

Talia smiled. "You're right there. It doesn't feel wrong . It just feels very strange ."

"Strange isn't bad either," Dani murmured. "All you really need is to feel better about where you both are. And if that were resolved, then you would not be so nervous about him leaving."

"That sounds theoretically logical," Talia noted cautiously. "I guess I need to talk to him."

"Well, somebody needs to," Dani said, laughing. "And obviously you're the best person."

And again, she winced at that. "And again, I'm sorry."

"Don't," Dani repeated. "No apologies are necessary here. We got it. You're in a state of uncertainty over a relationship that really matters to you. Believe me that we've all been there."

"I know, but you're on the other side of that. And everything is really going well for you."

Dani nodded. "We've moved up the wedding date," she shared, her cheeks turning pink.

Talia stared at her in shock. "What?"

"Not only that, he's been doing double the course load to get back here full-time as soon as he can. And it's been working. He'll graduate earlier than we expected."

"Wow." Talia stared at Dani. "That's huge news."

"It is. It won't happen in the next month or two, but I have hopes that maybe, not too long after that, it will be a done deal. He'll be working here, and we'll be married."

"You've waited quite a while," Talia murmured, "so I'm really happy that it's working out for you."

"And yours will work out too," Dani stated firmly. "But obviously you guys still have some insecurities to work through."

"I certainly do," she said, with a wry smile. "And it just makes me feel even more foolish."

Dani shook her head. "And again, that's ridiculous. When you care, it's easy to get hurt, and what you're trying to do is not get hurt by already prepping yourself in case things don't work out."

"That just sounds terrible." Talia shuddered.

"I don't think it's even so much terrible ," Dani corrected, "as much as I think it's just your self-defense mechanism kicking in. Just in case things don't work out, you'll be happy for him anyway."

"Of course I will be," she muttered.

"But what you really want is for things to work out for you two."

"Yes, absolutely." She looked over at Dani and winced. "I really love him," she whispered. "I didn't think it would ever happen."

"I know you love him. It's obvious. But I don't think you've told him that."

"No, I haven't," she replied. "I'm not any good at that stuff."

Dani's laughter pealed out bright and strong. "I think everybody would say that. When it comes to matters of the heart, some people find it very easy to talk about, while others don't."

"I come in the don't category," Talia declared bluntly. "I figure that's because I've never had any practice at it."

"I don't know that having practice makes for success or not here," Dani pointed out. "So maybe this is to your benefit."

"I don't know," Talia muttered. "It just feels so wrong in so many ways."

"And yet you're doing a great job here, and you're doing a great job with him," Dani said, "so you just need to trust a little bit more."

"Maybe," she muttered. "And I can't have it showing up at work. I am so sorry for that."

"And again, you need to stop with the apologies," Dani stated firmly. "I was just checking in to see how things were going because obviously you're distracted."

And, with that, Talia thanked her boss, her friend, and headed back to her desk. Leaving her feeling even worse. Yes, she had been distracted. Maybe Dani was right. Maybe Talia had been automatically making excuses in case things didn't work out with Xavier, just to let herself off the hook. Excuses like, It wasn't meant to be. Things like that just didn't happen to her. There was no way to know. He would get out in the big bad world and find it so much better than what he'd thought that he wouldn't want her .

All these worrisome thoughts going through her head, and she knew it wasn't fair. He hadn't in any way made any indication or sign that he was even thinking along that line. But she was automatically giving him that out, just in case. She sighed, a heavy difficult sigh.

Shane popped into her office and said, "I heard that."

She looked up, frowned, then shrugged. "Of course you did. How is he doing today?"

"He's having a whole series of good days," Shane replied, with a smile. "He'll be remarkably in good shape when leaving here."

She winced at that. "I'm really happy to hear that," she muttered.

"And yet somehow I'm not sure that you and I are looking at this from the same perspective."

She stared at him. "Meaning?"

"Meaning that, when I say he'll be in remarkably good shape, that's supposed to bring a smile to your face."

"It is," she conceded. Then, giving up the ghost, she added, "I'm really happy for him, but he's leaving, and that'll always be a hard thing for me."

"And yet all he talks about is the fact that you guys have signed up for some cooking classes together and other outings that he's really excited about."

She smiled. "I'm really glad to hear that too." Yet she frowned, shook her head. "And you're right. We have made future plans. And that, in a way, is also making me a little nervous."

"Nervous of a commitment?" Shane asked.

"Not on my side," she replied, "but I almost feel as if maybe he needs to be fancy-free and footloose to go do his thing, without me around."

"Ouch," Shane muttered. "I honestly don't think that is a very good idea at all."

She looked at him. "Why?"

"Because he's planning a future with you," Shane pointed out. "You get that, right?"

She stared at him. "We're… We haven't got that far."

"No, you haven't, but that doesn't mean that that's not where it's going."

"I would hope that's where it's going," she said. "And, yet again, we haven't got that far."

He nodded. "So we're back to the fact that you guys need to sit down and have one of ‘those' talks."

"Yeah, maybe one of ‘those' talks," she repeated, "but ‘those' talks aren't easy to have."

He burst out laughing. "Hey, I'm on the other side of one of ‘those' talks," he stated, with a big grin. "And it wasn't easy then either."

She nodded. "So, just because we need to have one of ‘those' talks"—she sent him a mocking look—"doesn't mean that I can make that happen anytime soon."

"No, it doesn't, but I think it should happen before he leaves."

"I guess," she muttered. "It's just very uncomfortable."

"Of course it is, and that's because you're assuming that he doesn't feel the same way you do."

"I want him to. He makes it sound as if he does."

"But you don't believe him?"

"It's not that I don't believe him…" Then she frowned.

"But you're not sure," Shane noted. "And, because you're not sure, it's making you like this."

"Maybe," she muttered, raising both hands. "You know that it's all so new."

"Good. That makes it new for both of you."

She stared at him. "Meaning?"

"It's not easy for him either. He's putting a lot on the line because he doesn't see himself necessarily as whole and complete."

"But of course he is," she argued. "Even if he were still in a wheelchair, he would be."

At that, Shane smiled. "That's the thing. You know that, but I'm not sure he believes that."

"That would be just foolish," she stated crossly. "I've told him."

Shane started to laugh. "Have you told him in just that way? And hasn't he told you some things that make you realize how much he cares?"

"Sure." And then she realized she'd fallen into the trap. She glared at him. "It's different."

"No," he argued gently, but his smile was still in place. "It's not that different at all. It's all about opening up your hearts and seeing if you're both on the same page."

"I thought we were, and now all I have is doubts."

"Doubts about how you feel?"

"No," she declared. "Not at all. Doubts that I'm the right person for him. Doubts that he wouldn't be better off trying life on his own for a while, before he and I get this close."

"Too late," Shane stated, "because you guys are already that close. And don't bother lying about it because I already see it. We all can. We watched this romance blossom for months." He shook his head. "You should be proud, and you should be happy. You should be grateful. And, on top of all of that," he added, "you should curl in delight every time you even think about him."

"That would be a little difficult," she muttered. "I would never get any work done that way. I already think about him all the time anyway."

He grinned. "And that's what I mean. You know how you feel. Now all you need to do is believe in how he feels."

"I thought I was there. Every time I turn around, I'm slapped up against something new and disconcerting."

"Disconcerting is not necessarily a problem," Shane replied. "And it gives you a new chance every time to come up against something else. Something else to deal with."

"Oh, that sounds lovely ," she quipped, with an eye roll. "Do you really think I need more to deal with?"

"Obviously you do," he pointed out, with a bright grin. "Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation." And, with that, he was gone.

*

Xavier wasn't sure what was going on with Talia, but she was a little more distant the closer his end date came. He was getting more and more excited because this was something he had waited for and had worked toward for a very long time. So he wasn't at all sure why she was struggling with it.

During one of his last sessions with Shane, Xavier spoke about it. "So I'm a little confused."

Shane looked over at him. "About what?"

"Why she's backing off."

Shane nodded. "I had a similar conversation with her not all that long ago. And I told her that you guys need to talk to each other."

Immediately Xavier's heart froze. "Is she having… Is somebody else in her life?" he demanded.

Shane looked at him in shock and then started to chuckle. "You see? That's exactly why you guys need to talk. Nobody else is in her life, but she's feeling just as insecure about you as you are about her."

"I don't know why she would be insecure at all. She's gorgeous. She's whole. She's got her pick of men," he admitted. "I've come a long way, but I also know I have a long way still to go."

"You need to have this conversation with her," Shane stated. "And do it before you leave. She's already got enough worries going on in that head of hers."

Xavier frowned, but Shane wouldn't say anything else. And when Xavier made a similar comment to Dani, she made a similar point too. He still wasn't sure what to do about it, so he mentioned it to Dennis.

Dennis shrugged. "That's normal."

"What's normal?" Xavier asked, looking at him in confusion.

"Think about it. She's worried that, once you get out into the big bad world, you'll forget her."

He stared at him in shock. "But we've made all kinds of future plans. I won't forget her. I'm constantly thinking about her."

"Sure, at this point in time, I think both of you have probably made a lot of plans together for evenings here and weekends there. Yet you haven't talked about what's really important, which is how you feel about each other. And so she's feeling a little insecure. You're heading off into an exciting new world and leaving her behind."

He winced at that. "I'm hardly leaving her behind."

"And yet to her it probably looks that way."

It gave him a lot to think about. At dinner tonight he wanted to broach the subject several times, yet he didn't. And it was really frustrating because he wasn't sure how to go about bringing up the subject.

When she asked him, "What is it, two more days?"

He shook his head. "No," he said gently. "Tomorrow is my last day." He watched as tears sprang to her eyes. And it broke his heart. "I'm not leaving you . You know that, right?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. "I get that. It's just… it's foolish." She wiped away her tears and gave him a bright smile. "So what have you got planned for tomorrow? It's your last day, after all."

"Shane will run me through some more tests," he replied. "And my last meeting with my psychologist. I've got paperwork due for Dani," he added, ticking everything off on his list. "It'll be a really busy day."

She nodded. "I mean, how can it not be," she murmured. "I guess that's normal."

"If I get a chance, I'll meet you for lunch. Otherwise we'll have to push everything back until dinner."

"That's okay."

"Oh, and Lance is bringing me a vehicle." Xavier smiled. "My driver's license apparently is fine, after the doctors wrote several letters for me."

"Wow," she said, "that's huge. I'm really happy for you. Things are just moving along so fast."

"Well, it's been what? Six months," he said, chuckling. "But I guess from your perspective, it's fast."

She shrugged. "Doesn't matter whether it's my perspective or not. I am delighted for you."

He looked over at her. "You've been such a strong support for me all this time. I don't know that I would have made it without you."

"You would have made it just fine. I know you would have. You have been an incredible success here."

He shook his head. "We're getting maudlin here, and we have to stop that. Tomorrow will already be a tough-enough day."

"Yeah, it will be, exciting but difficult."

He nodded. "And that's just the way life is sometimes," he murmured.

She didn't know what to say to that apparently because she just fell quiet.

He hated that she was as upset over all this as she appeared to be, because that's not how he wanted to leave this place, or her. And yet he could understand that, for her, it was difficult. It was change, a more exciting beginning for him, whereas her perception was more akin to an unhappy ending. This was one of those things that he had no easy way to prep her for. He was excited, beyond excited, to be honest. This was a huge, huge milestone that he'd worked so hard to reach. Just when he was opening his mouth to say something profound about where they would be together, her phone buzzed.

She looked down at it and groaned. "My timer reminder that I've got to run." She looked up at him and smiled. "I don't know how long this will take."

"Go. I know how much this job means to you. I'll meet up with you later."

She nodded. "I really appreciate that." And then she was gone.