Chapter Twenty-One

Rowan

The sound of my phone buzzing against the nightstand snaps me out of the fog I’ve been in for the last hour. It’s been a few days since the home game where I ended up bent over his desk in his office.

And now I’m here, laying on top of my neatly made bed like a starfish, staring at the ceiling with an open suitcase on the floor that still has nothing inside of it. I reach over, grabbing my phone, and the subject line of the email catches my eye immediately.

“Bexley Townsend Piece – Urgent Follow-up”

I tap the screen and read through it quickly, my stomach twisting more with every line.

Rowan,

This is my last warning on the Bex story. If you can't deliver, I'm pulling you from the project. Bex is hot right now, and we can’t wait any longer to run a piece that gets readers more insight into his life off the ice. You’ve spent enough time with him. There’s got to be something juicy under that hard shell of his. Fans want to know what makes him tick. Dig deeper. This could be huge for your career… or it could end it.

Best, Charles

I drop the phone onto my bed, letting it bounce onto the pile of clothes that I have yet to organize into my suitcase. My chest feels tight, like I can’t get a full breath in. Writing a story on Bex without him knowing, after everything that’s happened between us? No. That’s a line I’m not willing to cross. Not now.

The problem is, I can already feel the deadline breathing down my neck. Charles will want a draft soon, and the last thing I need is him pressuring me for "exclusive content." But the thought of betraying Bex's trust, what little of it I have, makes me feel sick. How am I supposed to do my job when it feels like every move I make with Bex pushes us further apart?

What would a future with him look like? He’s already said that he missed his chance for a wife and kids. Maybe the eighteen years between us is too big of a gap. He’s looking to retire someday in England and my career is just starting.

And then there’s babies. I can’t have any of my own. He already said he won’t have a family but does he mean that? Or would he resent me later when the reality of not having children sets in like it would have with Drew?

I flop onto the bed and stare up at the ceiling, trying to shove down the anxiety building inside me. Why did things have to get so complicated?

"Okay, what’s with the heavy sighing in here?" Jordan’s voice cuts through my spiral of thoughts. She pokes her head around the doorway, eyebrows raised in that knowing way only sisters can manage.

I groan and cover my face with my arm. "It's nothing. I’m just... packing."

Jordan steps into the room, holding a bag of chips in one hand and some sort of green juice in the other. She gives me a skeptical look before flopping down next to me on the bed, narrowly avoiding my phone.

"Uh-huh, sure. Because you always sigh dramatically when you’re packing," she says, crunching on a chip.

I peek at her from under my arm, but of course, she's already got me figured out. "Fine. It's not just packing. I got an email from my boss. He wants a story on Bex."

Jordan chews thoughtfully for a moment, then offers, "That sounds... like your job, though? And you’ve been salivating at the idea of getting the dirty scoop on the sexy as sin Coach since you started covering the Hawkeyes. What seems to be the problem?"

I sit up, grabbing my phone again, and scroll through the email until I find the part that makes my stomach flip. "He wants more insight into his life. Personal stuff. I don’t think he’s looking for a puff piece. He wants me to dig deep."

Jordan’s face softens with understanding. "Ah. That’s a tricky spot to be in."

"Tell me about it," I mumble, dropping my phone back onto the bed.

Jordan doesn’t say anything for a second, then she nudges me with her shoulder, a mischievous grin starting to spread across her face. "Okay, so... you and Bex. You wanna talk about the fact that you've been spending an awful lot of time together?"

My cheeks instantly flame. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

Jordan rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on, Ro. You can’t fool me. I can see it. The ‘I slept with a hot hockey player twice and don’t know how to act’ look."

I stare at her, my mouth opening and closing like a fish before I finally let out a strangled, "How do you even know that?"

"Because I’m your sister, and I know everything," she says, her grin widening as she nudges me again. "So spill. How was it?"

I groan, dropping my face into my hands thinking about how he almost took out a ref on the ice because of how jealous he was of Drew sitting next to me. "I shouldn’t even be telling you this. I should forget it happened and get back to work."

"Nope, no hiding from me. We’re in too deep now," she teases, yanking my arm away so I can’t hide. "I need details. Was it good? Where did you do it?"

I feel like my face is about to catch fire. "Yes, it was good, okay? I’m not telling you where. I’m not sure if we could get in trouble for it."

Jordan cackles, clearly enjoying my embarrassment way too much. "Oh my God, did you do it in the locker room showers?

“Eww gross, no! I don’t even want to know what’s on the floors in those showers.”

“Okay fine,” she says crunching down on another chip. “Big gloves, big stick, though, right?"

"Stop!" I smack her with a pillow, laughing despite myself. "But seriously, Jordan, it’s complicated. He’s…complicated."

Jordan sobers up just a little, still smiling but with more curiosity now. "Complicated how? I mean, you like him, right? What’s stopping you?"

I hesitate. I like him—there’s no denying that—but it’s more than that. The way Bex looks at me, like he’s constantly battling himself. And then there’s everything he said the night in the limo, accusing me of using him. And... There's something I haven’t told Jordan yet.

"We didn’t use protection," I blurt out before I could stop myself.

Jordan’s grin falters, and her brows shoot up to her hairline. "Wait, hold up. You mean—"

"I can’t get pregnant," I interrupt quickly. "I know that. And Bex knows that, too, but... it also feels like the act is reckless for other reasons."

Jordan stares at me for a moment, and then she shakes her head. "Okay, so... he’s an ex hockey player with baggage. Big deal. Guys are idiots sometimes, especially when they’ve been burned before."

I nod, but the knot in my chest doesn’t loosen. "He’s been hurt by reporters before. That’s why he doesn’t trust me. He thinks I’m just like the others—only interested in a story. It’s like, no matter what I do, he won’t let his guard down."

"Yeah, well, maybe if he stopped being such a block of ice..." Jordan teases, but then she softens her tone. "Listen, Ro. Bex isn’t some regular guy. He’s a pro athlete, and he’s probably used to keeping people at a distance. The money and the shiny lights have a way of bringing in the vultures but that doesn’t mean you can’t break through. But if you want anything more with him, you’re going to have to trust him, too. That means being honest."

I bite my lip. "If I catch real feelings for him and can’t write the article that Charles wants, it could cost me my job.”

Jordan shrugs. "Then I guess you have to ask yourself if a future with him is worth it.”

I roll my lips together as I think over her words. “He doesn’t want kids.”

"Maybe that’s what you need. For someone to take the pressure off of you, and for you to take the pressure off yourself. You could be happy together, without all the stuff that hurt you before."

Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. Is that what Bex would be for me? Someone who wouldn’t leave because I can’t give him a family? There’s something incredibly appealing about that, about the idea of being with someone who won’t resent me for not being able to have kids. But there’s also a tiny, painful part of me that hates the idea of closing that door forever.

"I don’t know," I say, quieter this time. "I always thought maybe I could adopt one day... or meet someone who already had kids. Being with Bex means giving that up."

Jordan leans in and bumps her shoulder against mine, her smile softening. "Well, you don’t have to decide that right now. But if you do really like him—and it sounds like you do—you owe it to both of you to be upfront. No more dancing around each other. Just talk to him."

She might be right but Bex told me that he doesn’t have any more to give and I have to respect that. Besides, I have a job to do too, and my boss is about to have an aneurysm if I don’t give him a story.

“There will be time after the Hawkeyes win the Stanley Cup. I have a job to do and a promotion to earn.”

Jordan wrinkles her nose and scrunches up her lips. She doesn’t like that answer but it’s all I have. Bex isn’t exactly offering me a relationship. In fact, he already said that he’s incapable of it.

“Then you'd better get packing. And take some normal clothes will you? If you get time, you should go see some sights. You said the last away game is in Vancouver and I’ve heard it is beautiful there."

"Smart thinking,” I agree. “Juliet will be in town and her sister-in-law is the one that put on the art auction at the gala a while back. I was thinking about asking her if she’d be interested in co-hosting a show with The Painted Easel sometime. Bex’s brother Leo is wanting to branch out with the magazine."

"Ugg," she groans, “that’s work. I meant for fun.”

“It is fun.”

She rolls her eyes. “Fine well I have to leave and check on the new assistant manager I just hired at the hotel. I’ll see you later,” she says. "Oh, and Ro?"

"Yeah?" I say, turning up to look at her.

"Next time you sleep with the ‘hot coach’, I strongly suggest you use protection. I think that man is subconsciously trying to knock you up."

I groan, chucking a sock at her as she cackles down the hall.

As soon as she’s gone, I flop back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling once more. She might be right that I need to be honest with Bex about how I’m feeling but I can’t do it now. I need to stay on task just like he is. We both have a job to do, and I for one, am going to do mine.