Chapter 95

Ilost track of time with Gabby, which was needed. She had me laughing and smiling more than I had in a very long time. She also had me spending a ton of Killian’s money, which I felt bad about. But Gabby stole it every time I tried to use my card and threw down Killian’s instead. Eventually, she wouldn’t give mine back since I kept trying.

Despite my insistence that she stay with us, she only hung around long enough to bring bags in. I knew Gabby enough to know I wouldn’t see her tomorrow. She was gone gone. For now anyway. Things had shifted between us, and I knew she’d be back if I needed her. I also made a promise that I’d go see her too.

My living room was full of bags—so many bags with blankets, coffee mugs, knick-knacks, and more that were too adorable to resist. There were clothes too at Gabby’s insistence including possibly the most risque outfit I’d ever owned. And I liked it. It was different and exciting. It’d also probably take Killian out by the knees, which was even more thrilling.

The house was quiet and dark with only the kitchen sink light on. I hadn’t expected that. Declan’s truck was still in the drive, but he and Killian were nowhere to be seen. I paused at the bottom of the stairs, wondering what the rooms looked like but unable to make myself go up them. Was our bedroom the same? Was it all different? What about…

I sighed. I couldn’t quite go down that road. Not yet.

A thunk in the back startled me out of my daze. A second made me frown. Good Lord, what were the two of them doing out there? It was after one in the morning. I headed straight for the back door, determined to go check on them, but stopped short when I saw the two. Piles of fractured wood surrounded them as Killian hacked away at logs that Declan moved around for him. My husband was angry, ranting at Declan and waving the ax around between logs. Every so often, he ran his sleeve over his face, wiping away tears.

My heart…

I let them be. For as much as it killed me to see it, I was happy he was talking to someone. I could’ve unpacked the bags, but I didn’t. Instead, I grabbed my phone and the two things I’d managed to buy for myself: a calendar and two packs of markers.

As I went to work organizing the calendar how I saw it in my head, I texted Nolan.

Was today okay?

NOLAN: It was productive. Finn did knock Lucas down the stairs with the mattress, but they survived.

Good Lord.

NOLAN: Yeah. Mom had to put them in their place. They owe you two a new lamp.

They don’t need to.

Did everything turn out okay?

NOLAN: The guest bedroom mattress is now in your room. I bought you new sheets and a few blankets. And dusted. God help me the dust bunnies rioted, but I conquered them.

I chuckled at the imagery. I knew he was doing it to make me smile. That was just Nolan.

NOLAN: Killian also had me pull all his clothes to donate because he won’t fit in any of them.

I hadn’t even thought of that. God, the man owned a lot of clothes. That was so much to donate.

NOLAN: I also opened a window, and I put your clothes back.

Thank you.

NOLAN: Always.

And the other room?

I chewed my lip as I watched the text bubbles come and go several times. He was picking his words carefully. I knew that much.

NOLAN: Everything is gone. Would you like to know where?

I hesitated. Did I want to know? A part of me didn’t want anything to do with any of it, but I knew there was a part of me that wouldn’t rest until I knew.

Yes.

NOLAN: Last week, Lucas helped rescue a family in Copper Spring. The wife had her baby on the scene, but they lost the house and everything in it.

That’s so sad.

NOLAN: This afternoon, Lucas and Sam delivered everything to them as a gift. The wife wanted to call you to… thank you? Express her sadness? She had a lot of feelings… gratitude for your kindness, but also sadness because…

Yeah…

NOLAN: Raven and I are turning the room into an office / little library for you. Let’s face it, Raven has all the plans. Cade and I helped how she told us. It’s not done but should be in the next few weeks.

Oh, I liked that. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to use it right away. Painted with all-new furniture or not, the room would still hurt.

Thank you.

NOLAN: Always.

NOLAN: Are you okay? How was the day with Gabby?

I had an unexpectedly good day with Gabby. I want to visit her in Vegas soon.

As for how I feel… a mix of things? Is that appropriate? I feel a mix of things.

NOLAN: I suspect that’s normal.

Thank you for everything, Nolan. I mean that.

NOLAN: I just love you. No thanks are needed.

I love you too.

“Oh, you’re home.” Killian’s thick voice drew me away from my conversation. He stood in the back door, his face exhausted and drawn. “I didn’t hear you come home.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. I swiveled in the chair and held out a hand to him. He joined me without hesitation, hugging me tight and burying his head in my neck. “Are you okay?”

Maybe it was a silly question to ask, considering his broken expression, but I wanted him to talk if he wanted to.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Can I help?”

“Just this.”

“Okay,” I whispered. I ran my nails up and down his sides softly and felt him melt into the sensation. While Killian had never been the overly emotional type around me, remembering all the little things he found comforting was instinct at this point. Nails up his side, brush my fingers through his hair, the smell of my lotion. The little things made a huge difference. “Thank you.”

He grunted as if unimpressed by my gratitude and pulled away. I couldn’t blame him. I had to imagine he felt awful after the day.

“What is this?” Killian asked. Moving the markers, he stared at the monthly calendar.

“David said you need to track your moods when you wake up and go to bed,” I reminded him. “I took each day and divided it in half. One side for you and one for me. I figured we could do it together. As a team. I have twine somewhere. I can tie the markers to the spiral thing. You just have to tell me which color you want.”

I held up the red and blue marker, hoping he’d pick. Instead, he said nothing. That wasn’t good. I couldn’t read his face.

“I thought me doing it with you might make it easier,” I rushed to explain. “If you don’t like it—”

He cut me off with a quick kiss. His hand cradled my face as he inched closer.

“I don’t deserve you,” Killian whispered.

“You do.”

“I don’t feel like I do.”

“Well, sometimes your feelings lie,” I told him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said. “I’m going to shower, and then we can go to bed. We’re sleeping in tomorrow and spending all day in our fucking pajamas. Not doing shit tomorrow. Got it?”

“I’d like that.”

Gray sweatpants may have been God’s gift to women, but Killian with those black sweatpants riding low on his hips was God’s gift to me. My gaze trailed after as he emptied his pockets on the dresser. Watching him was a wanted distraction from being back in this room. Our room.

The new decor was nice—almost nice enough to make me feel like I could pretend it was a different room. Even the same old gray walls felt new. The bedding was a dark blend of blacks for him and rustic fall blankets for me. The furniture had been rearranged, new curtains had been hung up, the closet was neatly organized, and everything had been cleaned. I had new jewelry boxes and nightstand decorations to add in.

“I have something for you,” Killian said as he flipped off the lights.

“Oh?” I whispered. He crawled under the blankets, half settling over me.

“You haven’t asked for these back,” he replied and held up my wedding rings.

“Oh… I guess I forgot about them in the middle of everything,” I admitted. That sounded horrible. “I’m sorry.”

I reached for them, but he grabbed my hand instead.

“Don’t be.” He slid both rings on my finger and kissed my knuckles. “I never took mine off. Just put it on my other hand.”

“I wore mine whenever I was home alone after the first year,” I told him.

“I’m really glad we both fucking sucked at this whole separation thing.” I caught a faint glimpse of a smile on his face in the dark, but it was gone just as quickly. Softly, he asked, “May I?”

I wasn’t the world’s best cuddler. Sometimes physical contact wasn’t something I enjoyed. The sensation made my skin ache in an overwhelming way. Most people didn’t know that about me, but Killian had always been so respectful and understanding about it.

I opened my arms to him and nodded. He wrapped his arms around me as his head settled under my chin. That little sigh of relief he released seeped into my skin, offering an inexplicable kind of comfort.

“Love you, princess,” he mumbled into my chest.

“I love you,” I said quietly. “So much.”