Chapter 92

What were you supposed to do when your husband didn’t want to live anymore? That question relentlessly taunted me in the back of my mind. I toyed with the sleeves of my sweater as Killian drove us back home from his appointment with David. There was so much information—so much to learn about how Killian’s brain worked. My heart hurt for him. I thought I knew him, but the man next to me felt like a stranger—familiar but a stranger. Undoubtedly, I wasn’t going anywhere, but I was still worried. What if he did?

“You haven’t said a word since we left David’s,” Killian began quietly. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, princess?”

“Why do you want to die?” I asked and immediately regretted doing so. It was such an insensitive question.

“That.” He blew out a long breath, his fingers drumming on the steering wheel. I smiled as I watched him instantly pick up the beat of the song playing on the radio. “It’s not necessarily that I want to die. It’s just that peace of mind feels fucking unachievable and out of reach. I don’t know how to explain that… the lows are fucking low, Genevieve. I feel nothing, and I feel everything. I feel… fucking alone because it’s like the world just keeps fucking going—people just keep fucking going—and no one even notices. That fucking hurts, and it just sends me in this fucking spiral of thoughts that I can’t control of all the things I ever did wrong, all the people I’ve hurt… all of it. And it’s just too much. I can’t breathe, I can’t eat… I can’t make the world disappear, but I can fucking disappear. I can make it stop. And I just want it to stop.”

“Ian…”

“Then, on the other hand, the world is just so goddamn loud.”

“But what does that mean?” I’d heard him use that phrase, but it didn’t make sense to me

“It just is.” He shrugged. “Everything in my head moves so fucking fast that I can’t get a hold of my own fucking thoughts. People are loud, sounds are loud… everything is just so fucking loud. It all jumbles together, and I can’t seem to grasp any of it. And it fucking pisses me off. Everything pisses me off. People, work… you name it, it pisses me off. My highs aren’t real fucking high if you ask me. They’re fucking awful and dark, but anger and irritability are one of the ways that highs can be experienced. I’d rather have the fucking happy-as-shit way but whatever.”

“And you feel like one of those all the time?”

“Yes and no. I’m not stuck in the worst of it all the time, but I can feel the rise and fall toward them… think like a roller coaster. You have to climb to reach the peak and then you fucking fall. I can feel the climb, and I can feel the fall. I just don’t know how to fucking stop it.”

“And you’ve been like this your whole life?” I asked.

“Pretty much,” Killian said. “It started in my pre-teens. Everyone just called it puberty. Except puberty never fucking ended.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what, Genevieve? I’ve never known anything other than this,” he replied. “You’ve had stable emotions your entire life. I haven’t. This is normal for me. I didn’t fucking know it wasn’t supposed to be this way until I was hospitalized.”

“We’re both really messed up, aren’t we?” I muttered, making him laugh.

“Yeah, we are.” Reaching across the console, he took my hand and brought it to his lips. “But we can be fucked up together.”

“Yes, please.” Being fucked up with Killian was better than being fucked up alone. “We need a plan of attack. A way to handle all of this.”

“I knew you’d say that.” A small smile turned his lips. “How about we start with a fucking checklist? Write down all the things we talked about?”

“I can do that,” I replied. Killian wasn’t one for making checklists, but he respected the hell out of my need to make them.

“You ready for today?” he asked.

“No,” I admitted softly. With his doctor’s appointment out of the way, we were splitting up for the rest of the day. I was supposed to go to Olympia with Raven and Cade while Killian and his brothers handled the house. The doors would be opened and stay open.

That single thought made my pulse race.

“Hey.” He tugged my hand until I looked at him. His lips brushed against my knuckles once more for reassurance. “We’ll be okay.”

“Will we?”

“We can’t keep the rooms closed off forever, Genevieve. Not if we want to try to move forward with our lives,” Killian reminded me gently. I hated that he was right. Unease made my stomach churn and made my anxiety spike. I didn’t like how things were, but this was terrifying, even with him handling it. “It’ll be okay, princess. I promise.”

“I don’t want to…” I chewed my lip, uncertain of the way to express what I was trying to say. He sat patiently at the stop sign as I worked it out—thankfully, there was no one around. Though, he’s probably fight anyone who made a thing out of it.

“What don’t you want, Genevieve?”

“I don’t want to forget him… I won’t forget him,” I corrected myself. What was I even trying to say? “I can’t forget him.”

“You don’t want to pretend he never existed,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. I nodded. Maybe that was what I was trying to say. “We can find a way to honor his memory, but we can’t leave the room that way. Eventually, we’ll have…”

His voice trailed off, and his gaze drifted out the window. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was going to say. In the pit of my stomach, I had a feeling. It was something I wondered about from time to time.

“Do you… do you want to try for a baby? One day?” I asked hesitantly.

“I’ve thought about it,” he admitted. The lack of emotion in the words resonated with me. “More than once. And with us back together and me leading the pack, it’ll be something that gets brought up. By everyone.”

“Yeah…”

“I don’t know that I can do it again, Genevieve. Nine months is a long fucking time to hold my breath, waiting for shit to fucking happen. And if it did?” That thought hung painfully between us. It happened once. Who was to say it couldn’t happen again? His voice broke as he whispered, “I don’t know that I could fucking survive it.”

I squeezed his hand tight, silently echoing his sentiment.

“But… we’ve done nothing but live in the pain,” Killian continued. “We need to grieve and live our lives for a while. Maybe then we can figure the rest out… do what’s best for us in the future. Maybe we have kids. Maybe we have a house full of fucking dogs and be the cool aunt and uncle. I don’t fucking know. I can’t think past… everything right now. I can’t picture our future. I’m just doing my best to get through the fucking day.”

“You’re doing good,” I assured him.

“I’m not, but I’m fucking trying,” he said. “Do you?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “We wanted kids—I wanted kids. But now? It doesn’t feel right. I want my baby back, Ian. I don’t want to feel like I’m replacing what we lost. Maybe that’s grief? I don’t know. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t want a house full of dogs. I can tell you that.”

“Two dogs?” He cocked a brow.

“Maybe,” I replied. “I just… want to get through the day—every day—without feeling… awful.”

“Then we focus on that. We focus on the day-by-day. Okay?”

“Okay.”

My house was ridiculously busy. It was the gathering of the Byrnes and company—Cade and Raven being the company. I stood off to the side in my living room, nervously fidgeting with the sleeves of my sweater. It felt like an invasion of our personal space. I knew that Killian needed the help. It wasn’t fair to expect him to do it alone. But still…

“Coffee for my second favorite lady?” Nolan came around the corner with a steaming mug in hand.

“Did you punch my dad?” I asked because it was the first time I could.

“I’m not apologizing,” he said.

“Thank you,” I whispered with a small smile. I’d never say it out loud because I couldn’t imagine what that said about me but a part of me wished I could’ve seen it happen. I wasn’t even sure why. A part of me wanted to ask my father a million questions—all the little things going on in my head—but I knew it’d get me nowhere. He never listened to me anyway.

Nolan’s shoulder bumped into mine.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” I told him. “I just…”

“Don’t want them in everything?” he finished for me, and I nodded. “If it helps, Killian threatened each of us individually about taking today to our graves. Not that he needed to. We’re here to help.”

I swallowed hard. The concept was so foreign to me. I’d carried so much of it alone for so long that I didn’t know what to do with people knowing.

“Do you think less of me?” I asked him quietly. The weight of his gaze was heavy, but I refused to look at him, putting all my focus on the coffee I couldn’t stomach.

“I know I don’t speak only for myself when I say it only makes us think higher of you,” Nolan replied. The doorbell rang before he could say anything else, and I frowned. Who else were we expecting? Everyone who was planning to help was already in the room.

When none of us moved, the bell went off at a constant rate.

“Okay, okay,” I grumbled. I handed my coffee to Nolan and rushed down the hall while the doorbell became utterly annoying. “Good Lord. I’m coming.”

I yanked open the door with frustration.

“It’s about fucking time!” Gabby exclaimed. Gabby? “What’s a girl got to fucking do to get you to answer the goddamn door?”

“You’re here!” I practically shouted with a mixture of surprise and shock. I hadn’t seen Gabby in almost six years. Right before she turned twenty-two, she vanished in the middle of the night. At least, that was how my parents saw it. I knew that she’d been planning to leave for weeks once she found out that our father intended to go through with her arranged marriage. Sure, we texted, but she never came back, and I’d never gone to see her.

And holy hell, had she changed!

Gone was the little sister I’d grown up with who liked pink sweaters and flowers—well, she still liked flowers if the black lace on her nearly see-through corset was any indication. High-waisted pants were sculpted to her lean body, and the gold buckle on her chunky belt matched the numerous necklaces dangling between her breasts. Strappy heels looked painful on her feet, I couldn’t begin to count the piercings in her ears, and her hair flowed in long layers down her back.

“I’m here!” Gabby matched my enthusiasm as she took off her glasses. Unlike my golden hazel color, she had deeply chocolate eyes that I’d always been envious of. I didn’t bother containing my excitement as I dragged her in for a tight hug. “Yes, yes, I’m here, you’re still a hugger, and I don’t want this.”

“Sorry!” My sister had always been uncomfortable with physical affection—which, in hindsight, made a lot of sense. “Look at you! You look amazing! I can’t believe you’re here! Why are you here?”

“Your husband-not-husband-whatever-you-two-are-now called me and made a solid fucking case for why I needed to come visit,” she said. He did? She swept past me, and I shut the door to hurry after her. “You and me, we’re spending the day together. Tomorrow, who knows? Killian and I came up with a whole fucking plan for today.”

“You did? When?” I asked. When did he even have time for that?

“Oh, shit.” Gabby let out a small whistle, and I caught how her gaze swept over Killian from head-to-toe. “Damn, he got hot.”

“He’s always been attractive.”

“Yeah, sure, but this… girl, that’s every woman’s wet dream,” she said. “That man went away a chubby donut nerd and came back a Greek god. That man has a fucking fitness magazine subscription and a favorite protein drink.”

I giggled. I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t. Not since finding out the man had a whole thing of apple cider donut-flavored protein powder—admittedly, it wasn’t bad.

“He’s still my donut nerd,” I told her.

“Hold up.” She rounded on me so fast I nearly ran into her. “He left you a chubby donut nerd and came back looking like that. You don’t just happen to look like that. You work your fucking ass off to look like that. Who the fuck did he get in shape for? I will take that man’s balls from him if you tell me it was for another woman.”

Good Lord. No filter with this one.

“Or it’s because he’s a supernatural bounty hunter.” I was still struggling to wrap my head around that one, but he seemed to like his job, even if it did mean he had to embrace his darkness.

“Bounty hunter? Oh, that’s hot. Tell that man to chase you through the fucking woods. Let him hunt you down, cuff you, and—”

“Gabby!” I exclaimed. My neck burned with embarrassment because his brothers had gone silent during her rant, all of them doing the worst at trying not to laugh. Lucas looked ready to fall over with the effort.

“I like her idea!” Raven shouted from across the room.

“See?” Gabby arched a brow. “Hot husband is useful for hot things.”

“Stop calling him hot,” I said quietly. “He’s still my husband.”

“Please,” she scoffed. “You know I don’t like short guys.”

“He’s not short!” From the way Lucas and Finn fell into a fit of giggles, everyone heard me.

“Have you seen him next to his beastly brothers?” Gabby demanded.

“He’s five-ten,” I retorted. “That’s not that short.”

“Beastly brothers,” she repeated and gestured to the Byrnes across the house. I glanced over at my husband as he stood with his brothers. Okay, yes, he was short compared to the rest of them. His brothers were all over six feet tall, which made Killian look short compared to them. But that didn’t matter.

“Well, he’s big where it counts,” I quipped. Was it a petty thing to say? It was. Did I care? Not in the least. It was also accurate.

“Get it, girl!” Gabby slapped me on the shoulder happily. “Come on. We need to find you real clothes.”

“But I have real clothes.” I stared down at my leggings and sweatshirt.

“Yeah, we’re putting that ass in jeans,” she replied.

“My clothes are fine!” I chased my sister up the stairs, nostalgia hitting hard.