Chapter 86

My parents called and texted more times than I wanted to count. It started sometime after dinner and became endless. It didn’t end until Killian turned off my phone and threw it in one of his bags with silent frustration. The only thing he asked me was if I wanted to go back. I threw a pillow at him and told him off. I understood why he was asking repeatedly, but I hated it.

We were off to a great start.

Which was the thought on repeat in my head as we drove back to our house the next morning. Our house where the last time we were there, it turned into a volatile screaming match. I would’ve been lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. His stuff was jammed in the back along with my measly packed bags, and Declan would be bringing by his motorcycle later in the week.

This was a big step—one I worried we weren’t ready for. Maybe this was too fast. Maybe slowing down would’ve been for the better. If we left things how they were and eased into it, maybe that’d be better.

Reaching across the console, Killian took my hand, his thumb caressing my knuckles gently.

“Tell me what you’re thinking, baby girl,” he said. It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t even a statement. And that made me frown. Clearly, I was in a mood because I frowned instead of obeying. “Are you being a brat, Genevieve? Or do you not know what you’re thinking?”

I sighed. I didn’t want to be a brat—not now. I just… what if he didn’t like what I had to say?

“Please, talk to me, Genevieve,” Killian tried once more.

“What if we’re making a mistake?” I asked quietly.

“By getting back together?” His brows furrowed together, but his gaze never left the road.

“By moving so fast,” I corrected. “By you moving in and all that with the house.

“I see,” he murmured and nodded slowly. “You can’t live like that anymore, Genevieve. It’s not healthy. Both of us need to deal with this grief. I can move back home with Mom if you want—fuck knows she’d be happy if I stayed close to her right now. I’m okay with that if it makes you comfortable, but the house needs to be dealt with. Those two rooms have to be handled.”

“I don’t want to.” I blinked back tears.

“I don’t want to either,” Killian admitted. “But we have to. I can call David right now, and he’d tell us the same damn thing. It’s just not healthy to stay stuck.”

“But—”

“Tell you what.” He stopped in the drive and faced me. “Go in with me. We face this together. And then I’ll take care of the house to get it back to normal if you’re okay with Declan and my brothers helping. I’ll send you out for a day in Olympia with Raven and Cade, so you don’t have to worry about a fucking thing but the fun stuff, okay? I’ll take the hard stuff. Would that be okay?”

“That’s not fair to you,” I told him.

“I’m not talking about what’s fucking fair,” he replied. “I didn’t take care of you when I should’ve, so let me now.”

The guilt on his face as he said the words was genuine. It wrapped around my chest in a vice grip.

“Okay,” I mumbled, my voice trembling. He brushed away the few tears I couldn’t hold back.

“We’ll be okay,” Killian said. I wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince: me or himself.

I let Killian take the lead because I couldn’t do any of the things we said we were going to do. Knots wracked my stomach, making me nauseous, and my hands shook terribly. For all the strength he exuded, Killian’s expression was drawn severely as he led me inside. His fingers tightened around mine when the front door closed. I followed him into the living room and froze, my gaze sliding around the room.

He was right.The house wasn’t us anymore. I really had packed everything that was us and put it away—more like, threw it away. I’d thrown away a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. The house was so cold and lifeless. Had I really spent almost three years living like this?

“Come on.” He gave my hand a gentle tug toward the stairs, but I couldn’t make my feet move.

“Red,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes as I tried to make him stop. I didn’t want to go.

“I am helping you, princess,” Killian replied gently. He stepped closer, and his forehead dropped to mine. Breathing in deep, I let the aroma of tobacco and vanilla fill me. I needed something to cling to. “It’s going to hurt. I can’t take that part away. We have to get through the hurt.”

“I don’t know that I can,” I admitted rather pathetically. The very idea of doing what he asked threatened to wreck me. I wasn’t sure I could survive it.

“I promise you won’t have to go through this alone,” he said. “Never again.”

He waited in silence with me, holding me close while I tried to work up the courage to do it. More than anything, I wanted to run out the back door and disappear. His patience was appreciated and needed as he managed to get me up the stairs. I froze all over again outside the nursery door. It wasn’t even open and my legs were barely holding me up.

“Breathe with me, princess,” Killian instructed, his voice soft. He held my face and breathed like he wanted me to. “That’s it. You’re doing so fucking good, Genevieve. In and out, slow breaths. In and out for me, baby girl. That’s right. Just like that.”

I wasn’t sure who he thought he was kidding. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. Deep breaths my ass. The weight in my chest threatened to suffocate me right there on the spot.

Still, I tried.I tried because he wanted me to. I trusted him to get me through this no matter how awful it was. When he reached behind him and the door clicked open, my body tensed painfully.

“Stay with me, Genevieve,” he murmured. His hand slid around the back of my neck and tightened as he held my forehead to his. “Stay with me, baby girl. I’m just opening the door. That’s all. We’ll just stand here, okay? Tell me you understand.”

“Okay,” I managed to say, my voice unsteady.

How long we stood there, I wasn’t sure. I was only upright by sheer willpower and Killian’s steadiness.

“One step forward, Genevieve,” he coaxed. I immediately shook my head. I didn’t want to. The fact that my knees were weak was the only reason I wasn’t bolting in the other direction. His hands moved down my body until he braced my waist. “One step forward with me, Genevieve.”

Somehow, the slight uptick and tremble in his voice was soothing—like I wasn’t alone. Like I wasn’t the only one drowning in the pain harbored in this room. He was right here with me, but he was also here with me. He was floundering, hurting, and feeling all the awful things I did.

I let him guide me one step forward just to the threshold of the open door. My nails dug into his skin as I clung to his forearms for support.

“One more, please.” With a gentle pull, he moved me one step into the room with him.

Soft blue walls.

His crib.

His changing table.

His rocker.

Sunshine yellow baseboards.

My whole heart fell out of my chest all over again. A sob caught in my throat. The room swayed and blurred. I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to face it.

“Do you blame me?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“Not a chance in hell, Genevieve,” Killian said. I opened my eyes long enough to glance at him. Silent tears gathered on those long lashes of his. “This wasn’t your fault. Bad things happen… horrible fucking things happen for no goddamn reason.”

“I want our baby back, Ian.” The dam holding back the majority of my emotions shattered, and I fell apart. He dragged me to his chest, crushing me in his arms.

“Me too, baby girl, me too,” he let out, his voice breaking with the words.