Chapter 69

Irolled, stumbling my ass out of bed as the world fucking spun, and rushed for the bathroom. Curling over the toilet, I threw up until I was fucking dry heaving. A dull ache pounded against my temple as I rested my head on the cold porcelain. My throat burned, my mouth felt stupidly dry, and my body fucking vibrated with pain.

Fucking alcohol.

I wanted to say I’d never drink again, but we all knew that was a fucking lie. The best cure for a fucking hangover was more goddamn beer. I just had to drag my ass out of the fucking house to do it.

As I rinsed out my mouth and ran my fingers through my hair, I tried to piece together what I could. Shit was fucking hazy—I’d drank an unreasonable amount. And I intended to keep drinking an unreasonable amount.

I remembered drinking at some dingy fucking bar in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t remember getting to Iron Falls. The drive was a total blackout. A twinge of guilt nagged at my core. Hopefully, I hadn’t fucking hit someone. Checking my Jeep needed to be a goddamn priority.

I remembered Declan… somehow. I frowned, drumming my fingers along the sink. Wasn’t really sure how. Had I seen him? Called him? Texted? Fuck. I couldn’t remember.

I remembered shooting Ethel instead of myself. Fuck, I couldn’t even kill myself right. I shot the damn deer instead.

I vaguely remembered fighting with Roan as well as Brady’s promise to get me help. Considering I was still in his house, I had to assume Brady wasn’t throwing my ass in the hospital. Thank fuck. I just had to get the fuck out and… what? And do what?

I stared hard at my reflection in the mirror. I vaguely recognized the man that stared back—I’d spent a fucking year being that man. I didn’t want to be that man, but fuck he had it easy. Drowning the world in alcohol was easier than dealing with it.

Sluggish and tired, I made my way to the kitchen. Only I made it as far as the fucking living room to pass thru. My entire fucking family was gathered in the living room. And David. Fuck David. He’d probably told them all that he was my doctor.

Mom stood up the minute she saw me, but none of my brothers moved. Jesus fuck, Brady had called my mom. Goddamn asshole should’ve just tossed my ass in the hospital. Would’ve been easier.

“Oh, look,” I grumbled as I passed right by them for the kitchen. “A fucking intervention.”

“Language,” Mom said.

“Then fucking leave,” I retorted. “No one asked you to be here.”

“Brady asked us—”

“Yeah, well I didn’t, so you can fucking leave,” I interrupted. The kitchen lacked alcohol. It certainly had a handful of empty fucking bottles that I had a feeling were Mom’s doing, but nothing to take the fucking edge off. I settled for water because my mouth was dry as shit, and I needed something. “All of you can fucking leave.”

“Killian—”

“I don’t fucking want you here!” I shouted.

“Well, too bad!” Declan yelled right back, getting to his feet. “You don’t get a choice in the matter. You either talk to us or I’m dragging your ass to the hospital myself.”

“High and fucking mighty Declan,” I taunted. God, I fucking hated how good he was. His standards were fucking unattainable. “Why don’t you go deal with your own shit and leave me to mine?”

“Boys!” Mom snapped.

“Oh, fuck off,” I growled. “You can leave. I don’t want any of you here! I didn’t call you! I didn’t ask—”

“No, you just had me on the fucking phone when you tried to kill yourself,” Declan interrupted. Did I call him? Fuck, I couldn’t remember. That would’ve been a good fucking detail to know. I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Or were you too drunk to remember that?”

“Go fuck yourself, Declan—”

“Shut up, Killian,” Sam cut me off. “We’re here. Like it or not, we’re not going anywhere until we all fucking talk.”

“I don’t want to talk!” I exploded. “Why does everyone keep saying I need to fucking talk?”

“Because you’re drowning!” Mom yelled. I couldn’t look at her. The sadness in her face was fucking heartbreaking. That shit was my fault. “You’re drowning, Killian. Again. And I can’t just sit by and let it happen.”

“Then pretend you don’t fucking know,” I told her with a shrug. “I don’t fucking care. Go home and let me do what I’m going to do. No one fucking cares.”

“We care,” she replied. “We care. What do we have to do to make you see that?”

“If I may—”

“You may fucking not,” I said over David’s attempt to intervene. Why the fuck he was there was beyond me. “You’re lucky I don’t report you for breaking your fucking oath. You had no fucking right to involve them.”

“Involve us in what?” Declan demanded.

“I haven’t said anything about anything,” David stated. I hated him with his stupid calm attitude like everything was fucking fine. “Your mother and I were on our way to the airport when Declan called us.”

I groaned. Ireland. Fuck, I screwed up Mom’s vacation.

“Fuck, go to Ireland, Mom!” I gestured to the door. “Jesus fucking Christ. You haven’t gone on vacation ever. You shouldn’t have fucking canceled to be here.”

“Stop making excuses,” Mom snapped. “What shouldn’t he have involved us in, Killian?”

“It’s none of your fucking concern!” I hollered. “You all keep acting like I’m the only one with fucking problems in this goddamn family! News flash! I’m not! Declan secretly married his fucking girlfriend on a goddamn whim because why the fuck should he tell anyone? Sam’s more wolf than human at this fucking point, but we’re not talking about that, are we? Finn fucking runs an OnlyFans where he cooks naked for strangers! With his dick out near food! Lucas has a fucked up sleep schedule because he takes on too many shifts between five fucking towns. Let me guess, you lost someone and now you feel guilty if you’re not working just in case, am I right? And Nolan has so much social anxiety the kid’s going to never be able to lead a fucking pack when he can’t even deal with people!”

I huffed out an angry breath of air. My heart pounded erratically in my chest, and my skin burned. I watched them as they digested the shit I’d said. But Mom… oh, I pissed off Mom. It was written all over her fucking face, and I didn’t give a shit.

“You act like I need fixing, but I’m not the only one,” I spat out. “Fix yourselves before you try to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“Now you listen here, Killian Donovan Byrne,” Mom began, her voice laced with something dangerous. I squared off because I knew what was coming. You see, Declan, Lucas, and Nolan all took after our dad—gentle and grounded. Me? I took after Mom—stubborn with a fucking temper. I was used to butting heads with her. “How dare you—”

“August James Byrne,” Nolan cut in. How dare he. My head snapped in his direction at the name, a dangerous growl ripping through me. He had no fucking right.

“Don’t you say that name,” I warned. When he opened his mouth to say more, I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and shoved him into a wall. “Don’t you say that fucking name.”

“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed, waving everyone else off as Declan moved to help him. A part of me wanted him to. I wanted to fucking fight something. Nolan pulled a picture out of his pocket. The picture. How the fuck had he gotten it? My heart fucking fell out of my chest. “August James Byrne. Say his name, Killian.”

“No,” I snarled. But I snatched back the picture, unable to look away from it.

“I know you’re hurting. I know you blame yourself for what happened. Guess what? She does too,” he said. He wavered in my sight as tears blurred my vision. “She blames herself just like you blame yourself. Both of you are stuck in the pain and guilt, and you’re letting it destroy you.”

“It’s already destroyed me. I have nothing left,” I told him under my breath. My anger crashed into drunken guilt and sadness.

“That’s not true.”

“It’s my fault,” I whispered, my voice cracking pathetically. “It’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault. Bad things happen.” Nolan stepped closer. The room swayed uneasily, and my hold on him tightened—for support. “Sometimes, bad things happen for no reason, Killian. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have anticipated it. You couldn’t have stopped it. Neither of you could.”

“He didn’t deserve it.” I lost any hope I had of not crying as I fell apart. Nolan pulled me closer and hugged me. I clung to him until the kid damn near crumbled under holding me up, but I couldn’t let go. I just couldn’t.