6. Callie

The sun rose higher in the sky behind the clouds but it did nothing to raise the temperature. I clutched my arms around my knees and tried to stop my teeth from chattering as yet another freezing wind threw ice-cold sleet over me. I huddled on the balcony, against the wall with my head down as I shivered, the anger I felt fading into a dark and furious thing which grew more solid within my chest with every passing moment.

I was no stranger to the cold. Back in the Realm, the winters had always been harsh and we’d never been able to warm the entire apartment. We’d spent more nights than I could count huddled together in the front room before the meagre heater, using our combined body heat to ease our suffering. Dad had always taken the spot furthest from the warmth while Montana and I rotated between spending the night closest to the heater or sandwiched in the centre. I’d always preferred being squashed in the middle, though it had often led to waking with a crick in my neck. It meant I got to spend the night curled between the two people I loved most in the world. What I wouldn’t have given to feel my dad’s arms wrapping around me now.

Though I’d spent my fair share of time combating the harsh winters in the Realm, I knew I’d never experienced anything like this. If it wasn’t for my slayer gifts lending me strength and some resistance to the elements, I was fairly certain I would have succumbed to them already.

“Callie?” Montana’s voice sounded as if it were far away, and I blinked the freezing water from my lashes as I looked towards the door which led into the building.

“Monty?” I called in return but the wind stole my voice, faint as it was while weakness clung to my limbs.

My teeth clashed together uncontrollably and I spotted her stepping through the doorway, her eyes widening in shock as she noticed me huddled by the railings.

“What the hell are you doing out here?” she gasped as she ran towards me, raising an arm to shield her face from the hammering rain. She caught my hand and dragged me to my feet though I stumbled a little with the numbness in my limbs. “Come inside!”

Her wedding dress was gone and she’d replaced it with warm, practical clothes which made my heart ache with longing, though some part of me doubted anything would ever be able to heal me of this bone-deep feeling of cold.

“I c-can’t,” I stuttered.

I couldn’t feel my feet and I swayed unsteadily in the three inch heels. I wanted to rip them off but I equally needed the small measure of protection they offered my feet from the rain.

“What are you talking about? Come inside before you catch your damn death out here.” Montana frowned at me and yanked on my arm, trying to get me moving but my heels dug in despite how much I wanted to go with her, the bond of Magnar’s words leashing me in place despite every effort I’d made to refuse them.

Montana’s dark hair was quickly becoming drenched and her fresh clothes were saturated with raindrops already.

“M-Magnar made me st-stay here.” I shivered harder as her face scrunched in confusion. I could tell she had no idea what I was trying to say and I didn’t know how I was supposed to put it into words when my lips were numb and I could barely form a coherent sentence. “I c-can’t follow h-him and he went in-inside.”

Her features transformed from confused to furious in half a second as she suddenly realised what I was telling her. I’d explained his hold over me when I’d told her about taking the vow but this was the first time she was seeing how far that power extended, and I could see comprehension building in her gaze.

“I’ll kill him,” she growled. “Come on, there has to be a way around this. You must be able to move if that’s what it takes to save your damn life.”

I shook my head hopelessly, my own anger a quiet thing in the face of the unending cold. “He has t-to release me.”

“He’s not here,” Montana ground out, her chestnut eyes bright with fury while she tried to figure out what to do. The rain was soaking her through and I could tell she was fighting the urge to start shivering herself. “He went to scout for Familiars.”

My heart sank as I realised I wasn’t going to be released from his command any time soon. My fingertips were already blue and I was so cold that it was painful. I doubted I could withstand this cold for much longer, but Magnar could easily be gone for hours.

Montana looked around helplessly as though she thought she might be able to find something to shelter me on the exposed balcony but it was no good. There was nothing around us except cold concrete and stacked rubble.

“G-go back inside,” I urged.

There was no point in both of us being stuck out here and she didn’t have any gifts to help her resist the elements. I might not have been able to do anything to help myself, but I wasn’t going to watch her suffer for my choices too. I was the one who had made the damn vow. It was my own pig-headed fault that I was in this mess. Not hers.

“I’m not leaving you.” She frowned as if she was concentrating on something then her eyes lit with an idea. “He said not to follow him, right? Well maybe you can follow me instead?”

I opened my mouth to protest but something told me she might actually be on to something. She smiled encouragingly and started tugging me back towards the door. I took a step after her and nothing stopped me, the power of the gods releasing me as if it had never been there at all. Relief flooded me as I stumbled after her through the door and finally escaped the unending downpour.

As soon as I was out of the pounding rain, I released a shuddering breath. Montana kept going, leading me through the rotting building until we made it to the fire Magnar had lit.

I groaned as I held my hands above it and the heat of the flames washed over me. The cold had sunk all the way down to my core and I was shivering so violently that I couldn’t do anything more than stand there and relish the burn of the flames.

“I’m so sorry, Callie.” Montana chewed her lip and concern filled her eyes. “Magnar found us a while ago and said he was going to scout for Familiars, he seemed like he was angry about something. I guessed maybe you’d had a row and that was why you weren’t with him. If I’d known that he’d done that to you-”

“It’s alright, Monty. H-how could you have known?” I managed to kick the shoes off of my feet but I still couldn’t feel my toes. I’d gone beyond being angry at the situation and had fallen into a desperate kind of acceptance, my hurt and rage over what Magnar had done to me sinking down into a knot which tightened itself around my heart and took root there.

“Come on, there’s no way you’ll warm up with that dress on.” Montana moved behind me and started unfastening the saturated gown. Her anger permeated the air around us but she was holding it in check in favour of helping me.

I tried to stop my fingers from trembling as I held them as close to the flames as I could manage without actually touching the fire.

“Julius hasn’t brought the rest of the supplies up yet but I’ll go and find him, get you something warm to put on-”

My heart lurched at the idea of that, the possibility that Magnar might return here before her and I would be forced to face him alone. Normally I’d want the opportunity to rip into him for myself, hell I’d even be aching to do so but something about what he’d just done to me had ripped the fire clean out of my gut. It wasn’t the argument or the way he had looked at me that had sucker punched me – it was the humiliation of being bound like a dog to his will. Of being left out there to freeze like I meant nothing at all to him and my wellbeing was of no concern to him at all.

“No,” I said quickly, swallowing at the flash of surprise and then pity which danced through my sister’s eyes. “Could you just stay with me... for a bit, please?” Now that I was out of the rain, I would dry out soon enough with or without fresh clothes and despite how tempting the thought of wearing something warm was, I just needed the comfort provided by her company. We’d been apart for far too long already.

The wedding dress fell to my feet with a wet splat and I shuffled away from it before sinking down next to the fire. Montana scooped it back up and wrung the excess water out of it before draping it over a battered desk close to the heat. The underwear I was left in was wet too but I kept it on, not needing to add my nudity to the list of things which were utterly mortifying about this entire situation.

Montana tossed a wooden chair onto the fire to stoke the flames then lowered herself down beside me, taking my hand between hers and trying to rub some warmth back into it.

“When you told me he could control you, I had no idea it would be so... literal,” she said in a low voice, her anger like cold steel. “What the hell was he thinking leaving you out there like that? Even if we ignore the storm; there could be Familiars hunting us. You could have been seen. Why would he think-”

“Do you mind if we don’t talk about it?” I asked quietly.

“I didn’t mean to go on about it. It’s just so fucked up.”

“I just feel so...” I shrugged, unable to come up with the right word. Helpless? Powerless? Used? “I’m worried that with so many things controlling me, I’m going to end up losing who I am,” I breathed.

I drew my knees up to my chest and placed my chin on top of them. I hated to admit how close I felt to breaking, but I was really beginning to wonder how much more I could take. Ever since Dad had died, I felt like I’d slowly been losing control over my own fate. It was like the closer I got to freedom, the more of my own will I had to sacrifice.

Montana opened her mouth to respond but her attention was snagged by Julius and Magnar returning instead.

I kept my eyes low, staring at the flames so I didn’t have to look at him. A sharp pain tugged at my chest which had nothing to do with the cold, and though my usual reaction would have been to rage and scream and probably try to punch his fucking arrogant face, I just…didn’t have it in me.

How could he have done that to me? Was I fool to believe he cared about me at all? How could I tally up his supposed feelings for me with someone who could be so fucking cruel?

“Did I miss the invite to go dancing in the rain or something?” Julius asked with a laugh as he moved closer to me and noticed my missing dress and dripping hair.

I tightened my grip on my knees; the scraps of material Clarice Belvedere had forced me to wear beneath my wedding dress were transparent and I was already humiliated enough without needing to add exposing any more of my body to the mix.

Montana got to her feet and rounded on Magnar. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she yelled. “It’s freezing out there! She could have died!”

I glanced up as his gaze slid to me, but I dropped my eyes again as tears prickled the backs of them. I scrunched my toes up and wished the ground would swallow me so the two of them would stop staring. Shame and hurt warred within me and I couldn’t help but feel utterly pathetic. I should have been the one yelling at him, but where vicious words would normally have come so easily to my tongue, all I could taste in their place was shame.

Julius tilted his head in confusion and stepped between Montana and his brother before she could punch him.

“What are you talking about, damsel?” he asked.

“Ask him,” she spat, pointing over Julius’s shoulder at Magnar whose eyes still hadn’t left me. “He made her stay out on that balcony in the rain. I only just found her; she’ll be lucky to keep all of her fingers!”

I clenched my hands into fists, relieved that they did as commanded so I could be sure she was wrong about the chances of me losing any of them.

“What?” Magnar’s brow furrowed with confusion and he tried to move towards me but Montana stepped into his path, practically spitting venom.

“You stay the hell away from her,” she growled and despite her being a fraction of his size, she seemed utterly formidable in that moment. I doubted even the great Magnar Elioson could have forced his way past her.

Julius caught my sister’s arm to try and restrain her, but her glare swung onto him, and his brows rose in surprise at her fury. I could still feel Magnar’s eyes on me, but I kept my head low, not wanting him to see the pain he’d caused and feeling like a coward for hiding from his gaze. I’d never backed down from him before but I felt like a whipped creature, afraid to risk testing him again.

“I still don’t understand what’s supposed to have happened,” Julius said, looking between everyone as he hunted for his answer.

“He left Callie out on that balcony and told her not to follow him when he went inside. She’s been out there for hours,” Montana hissed.

Magnar sucked in a breath and Julius cursed as the reality of what had happened dawned on them.

“I didn’t mean...” Magnar tried to move closer to me again, and I huddled in on myself, wishing he wouldn’t.

I’d opened up to him about everything that had happened to me, I’d laid it all on the line in an attempt to show him everything so he would know how much he meant to me. And in return, he’d bound me to his will and punished me for something I had no control over.

“Callie?” he asked.

There was raw emotion in his voice, but I didn’t raise my head. I just wanted him to go away.

“You bloody fool.” Julius released my sister and caught Magnar’s arm instead, forcing him back a step. “I need to have a word with you, brother. Now.”

I peeked between my lashes and watched as Julius shoved Magnar towards a door on the other side of the room. Magnar hesitated, seeming torn between following his brother’s instructions and continuing his advance on me.

Julius kept shoving and Magnar finally gave in, stomping away from us and heading through the door.

I let out a breath of relief and Montana turned to face me with pity in her eyes which honestly only made me feel more pathetic.

“Here,” Julius said, turning back to us instead of following his brother. He dropped a heavy pack from his shoulder and pulled it open, taking out a thick blanket and draping it around me.

“Thank you,” I breathed as I drew the blanket tighter against my skin. I was still shivering. It felt like the cold had made roots in my bones and would never leave.

“It’s nothing.” He shrugged as if my gratitude made him uncomfortable. “There’s clean clothes and food in the pack too.”

Montana pursed her lips as he passed her by and I could tell she wasn’t impressed by his attempt to make peace.

“He’d better be grovelling by the time he comes back in here,” she growled, and Julius gave her a nod before disappearing after Magnar into the other room.

As soon as he was gone, she moved to the pack and started rummaging through the things they’d found.

“You’ll feel better once you’ve eaten,” she said and I wasn’t sure which one of us she was trying to convince.

I started chewing on my thumbnail as I waited for her to finish her investigation of the pack. It was a habit I’d given up as a child, but I always found myself doing it when I felt helpless.

Montana pulled out a fresh black shirt, some thick socks, new underwear and a pair of grey sweatpants then passed them to me. I quickly stripped out of the ridiculous underwear and tossed it onto the fire, feeling a surge of satisfaction that it had never served its purpose. Then I pulled the new clothes on and felt a little better as the cold finally began to leave my bones. It was immeasurably good to have dry fabric against my skin.

I pulled my hair over my shoulder and wrang the water from it before twisting it into a braid. Magnar liked me wearing it loose, but I didn’t feel at all inclined to satisfy his desires.

Montana started making us something to eat and I watched her, my mind falling blank.

I’d never been one for talking it out when I fell into a sullen mood so she stayed silent while she worked. I hoped she knew I treasured her companionship while I attempted to figure out my roiling emotions. Montana knew me better than anyone in this world, and we’d survived rougher days than this together. If there was anyone who knew what I needed right now, it was her.

The wind found its way into the building for a moment and the door which Julius and Magnar had headed through blew open a crack. With the aid of my gifts, their voices floated to me and I sat up a little straighter as I heard my name.

“Callie knows I would never hurt her-” Magnar rumbled angrily.

“No. She doesn’t,” Julius snapped in response. “Can’t you remember how it felt when Father bound you to his will during your training? I recall you plotting to slip rotten mushrooms into his meal so that he might spend a few nights puking and give you some respite. At least until you realised he’d just force you to clean his vomit.”

“Yes, I hated having my will stolen from me. And because of that I managed to break his control over me in less than a year!” Magnar retorted.

“You can’t just presume everyone is like you,” Julius replied in exasperation. “You’ve been telling me how much she means to you and yet your actions tell a different story. You could have killed her today, Magnar. Do you get that? And all because you’re angry with her for something she can’t control!”

“Fabian Belvedere still draws breath because of that mark on her hand. I allowed him to live for her sake. I couldn’t give her greater proof of my devotion-”

“And yet when she tried to explain the reason why she had to ask that of you, you abused the trust she put in you when you became her mentor,” Julius countered.

“You know I never meant for her to stay out in that storm,” Magnar snarled. “Don’t you think I feel bad enough for that mistake?”

“That’s the problem; you shouldn’t have made a mistake like that. You never should have been her mentor. Your feelings for her make it too complicated. Do you ever remember Father putting you in danger with one of his commands? Or Mother endangering me? You’ve only been bonded to her for a matter of days and you’ve managed to do it twice.”

“I know, but…” Magnar’s voice dipped, and I missed what he said next.

“Well if that’s the case, then you need to fix this. She needs you now and I honestly don’t know how you’re going to unravel this mess.”

Silence descended and I glanced at Montana, wondering if she’d heard them too. She’d filled a metal cooking pot with something and was busy stirring it, showing no sign of having overheard the brothers.

“Am I going to regret letting you cook for me?” I teased as she noticed my attention.

Her attempts at cooking for us in the Realm had often ended up with something tasting a little too much like charcoal. Dad used to say she could have burnt water given half a chance.

“You know that’s not fair,” she protested, pointing a sticky spoon at me. “It was just that one casserole and the omelette-”

“And the soup and the pasta. And I’m pretty sure you gave me an apple once which tasted decidedly smoky-”

“Shut up!” She flicked the spoon at me, and I laughed as some of her culinary creation splattered my sleeve. I scooped it onto my finger and licked it off.

“Hmmm,” I said, considering the flavour of the glob of oatmeal. “Tastes... sooty.”

“It does not.” She laughed again as she started spooning the oatmeal into bowls and I couldn’t help but grin at her.

“I missed this,” I said as she passed me an overflowing bowl with a spoon sticking out of the top of it. “I mean, I missed the little stuff like this. Who’d have thought I’d crave sleeping on the floor, or pretending I couldn’t hear Dad waking us in the mornings...or badly cooked meals.”

I released a heavy sigh as the loss of our father pressed close again, but I gave her a playful smile as I lifted a spoonful to my mouth. The darkness couldn’t have us right now; I just wanted to bathe in the joy of having her back, not wallow in the sadness of our grief.

I had to resist the urge to moan in pleasure as the oatmeal slid down to my stomach. I’d refused the food the Belvederes had offered during my stay with them and I hadn’t eaten in nearly two days.

“I miss him too,” Montana said quietly. “I still can’t believe... I mean, I saw it, but it just doesn’t feel real. How can he just be gone?”

I swallowed a thick lump in my throat and reached out to take her hand as the tears I’d been fighting for days overflowed. She shuffled closer to me and pulled me into her arms as her grief met with mine and we cried for the man who’d raised us.

I didn’t want to let go of her ever again.

All of it, from the moment she’d been taken from me, every single thing I’d done right down to the vow I’d made had been for this. And here she was, back with me where she belonged. I didn’t know how we would move on from here, where we would go or what it would take for us to build a new life, but I did know that I was never going to let us be parted again.

Julius cleared his throat loudly as he and Magnar returned to the room. I pulled away from Montana, hastily wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I glanced at Magnar for half a heartbeat as he hesitated by the door then dropped my eyes to my meal and focused my attention on that.

“I think these two need to clear the air, damsel,” Julius said gently and Montana bristled beside me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said, all mama bear for her shipwreck of a sister.

“It’s fine, Monty,” I breathed before she could object any further.

Our situation was what it was – I was bound to Magnar, at least for the foreseeable future. And as much as I didn’t want to face him, I knew we had to move on from this. We were stuck out here, hiding from the Belvederes without a plan for moving forward. We had to be able to work together at the very least, and that didn’t seem likely to happen all the time I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

“Are you sure?” she asked, her gaze filled with concern.

I nodded, wishing I didn’t feel like I was lying about that.

Montana narrowed her eyes as she got to her feet, passing a bowl of oatmeal to Julius and keeping the last one for herself.

“Oh, I forgot to dish out a bowl for you. But maybe you can command my sister to do it for you if you’re hungry,” she said bitterly, scowling at Magnar as she walked past him.

Julius chuckled as he lifted a heaped spoonful to his mouth and followed her from the room. Magnar watched them leave and waited several long seconds before he approached me.

I kept my eyes on my food as I felt his gaze boring into me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

“I’m sorry, Callie,” he said eventually, lowering himself down to sit beside me. He didn’t sit as close as usual and the space between us opened up endlessly.

I lifted a shoulder in response to his apology. It didn’t really make any difference to what he’d done to me or how it had made me feel.

“I only wanted some time to clear my head,” he went on. “I never intended for you to be stuck out there-”

“It’s fine,” I replied, even though it was obvious that it wasn’t.

He reached out to me and for the first time since Idun had forbidden us from touching, I was glad of her rules. I shifted away from him as he fought against her control and his hand fell to the floor between us helplessly.

“Please let me make this right,” he breathed.

“I said it’s fine. It’s like you told me before; this is all my fault anyway. I did it to myself.”

“I shouldn’t have said that to you,” he rumbled, but he had said it and he’d meant it too.

I shrugged again.

“I should be used to people stealing my will from me by now anyway. If it’s not you, it’s Idun… or Fabian. Between the lot of you, I’ll lose who I am entirely at this rate,” I murmured.

“Don’t compare me to them,” he replied, his tone rough with accusation. “I’d never force you to be anyone but yourself. I’d never intentionally make you do anything that would harm you-”

“So long as it’s unintentional, that’s alright then,” I muttered.

“I didn’t say it was alright.”

I nodded vaguely, staring into the depths of my oatmeal which had lost its appeal despite my growling stomach.

“Please will you look at me, Callie?” he begged.

I pursed my lips and dropped the spoon into my bowl before forcing myself to turn towards him. It took another wrench of effort to raise my gaze to meet his and his eyes swam with discomfort as he stared back at me.

“Why are you looking at me like you’re afraid of me?” he asked and I could see the pain it caused him.

I wanted to dismiss his question but he caught me in his gaze and I took a deep breath as I forced myself to be honest with him.

“Because I am,” I admitted, though it galled me to say it but I was helpless in this bond with him. He had all the power, all of the advantage and I simply had to trust him with it. But he’d just proven that I couldn’t do that. “You can hurt me so easily. And you don’t even notice you’re doing it. You said it yourself – it was a mistake. So maybe you didn’t want to leave me out there in the rain, but the fact remains that you did. And that you could order me back out there right now and I’d be powerless to resist. This bond, whether you wanted it or not, has given you complete control over me. You’ve stolen my freedom whether you asked to take possession of it or not.”

Pain filled his expression as my words hit him and he tried to reach for me again. “I would never want to hurt you.”

“Just because you don’t want to, doesn’t mean you don’t do it.” I eyed his hand as it hung in the space between us and shifted back slightly.

His face crumpled as he dropped his arm again, pulling it back to lay in his lap. My heart throbbed as I could see what my words were doing to him, but I couldn’t keep feeling this way and he had to know it.

“I don’t know how to do this,” he said quietly. “I’ve never... I was betrothed to Valentina when I was sixteen. I’ve bedded other women but she always saw them off before I got any chance to have anything else with them. And I’ve never cared about any of them like I care about you. Please don’t tell me I’ve ruined us before we even got started.”

I swallowed thickly at those words and gazed into his eyes. I wanted to fall into their golden depths. To drink in the strength and power I saw there. But it wasn’t my own. My heart and soul felt shredded between the different vows which bound me. I was a slayer and a vampire’s wife. And somewhere in the middle of that, I was starting to lose who I really was.

“I just need some space,” I breathed. “I need to figure out what’s happening to me. And I can’t do that with so many rules and commands screwing with my head. How am I supposed to keep hold of who I am when you can force me to do anything you want just because you feel like it or lose your temper? Or when thoughts of my enemy keep pushing through my mind as if he’s something else entirely?”

Magnar’s jaw pulsed at the reminder of what I was being forced to feel for Fabian now too, but he bit back the words which had come to his tongue.

“If that’s what you need, I’ll give it to you,” he replied carefully like he was afraid saying the wrong thing might break whatever was left between us. The problem was, I didn’t know if there was anything now. “I only want to help you.”

“I need to deal with this on my own.” I looked down at the wedding ring on my finger and took a deep breath as I slid it off. Placing it on the floor, I gritted my teeth against the aching loss I felt and forced myself to withdraw my hand, leaving it there.

Magnar watched me in silence as I stared at the silver wedding band, fighting against the desire to put it back on. The harder I pushed against the feelings that I knew weren’t my own, the easier it became, until eventually, I dragged my eyes away from the ring altogether.

It wasn’t going to be simple but I was determined to find a way to regain control of my own fate. And if Idun didn’t like it, then she would find out what it was like to be my enemy.