Chapter 2

Ezra

June 16, 2020

I think I’ve come full circle. It doesn’t look the way I thought it would.

What’s my view? I’m on a bed with a big window right beside me. Out the window, trees are streaming by, dappled in sunlight but mostly in the forest’s shadow.

I’m not in a school bus this time, but an RV. And the driver? My Josh Miller. I’m looking at the back of his head- the way his hair sticks out underneath my peach ball cap, which he pulled on this morning when we woke up in Portland, Maine, beside a lighthouse.

The sun was so bright on the water, we both needed caps. I’ve gotten kind of fond of his old camouflage one. Miller usually takes the peach, which I think suits him. He’s got a juicy peach, and also- is a peach. Nobody sweeter than Josh Miller. Even when his only shower for two days has been the ocean and I’m pretty sure he’s got sand in his butt from…things that happened behind some rocks.

Anyway- we’re going back to Alton. I am. Miller’s never been, of course. But we can both go there now, and we can go alone. Because-

Luke owns this place now.

Yeah. It feels weird to even write that. Luke McDowell bought Alton. Actually, his church’s charity, The Rainbow Initiative, bought it. The sale just went through about ten days ago. Miller and I had planned to take the summer off from school and do the RV thing- start on the East Coast, head up, cut across the Midwest and dip down into Yellowstone, then onto Evermore to be there for the first of the conversion therapy survivor groups. We got our RV early, though, so we could be the first ones here since the police did their thing.

The place is guarded by private security. For the next year or so, Alton is just going to sit and collect dust, while we wait to see if the court will want evidence from there. Once all that is over- we’re not sure yet, but the thought is maybe Luke will tear it down. He’s done a few polls of Alton survivors- there’s not many of us rounded up- YET- but several of us, including me, like the idea of razing that shit to the ground and re-building the gayest camp the Allagash Wilderness has ever seen- and let kids come there in the summer. Gay kids? Other kids? Luke doesn’t know yet. But it’s beautiful land, for those who didn’t go through the things I did. It should be enjoyed, and it should be a gay as fuck place- just to exorcise those homophobic vibes.

I just now blew a long breath out, and Miller’s eyes looked for mine in the rearview mirror. I gave him a smile and a thumbs up. I held up this journal, and his eyes got kind of wide. He knows what this journal is. He’s read those entries from a long time ago.He knows everything about me now. And he loves every part of me.

He was the first one to love some of the parts. For a few months I didn’t see it- but Greeley said they thought I had a lot of anger built up towards myself. For how I treated Josh when we met. For- being fucked up or whatever.

I told Josh they said that, and he said he thought so too. He kept saying how there’s nothing to forgive. How he understood, and it’s all in the past. And he thinks I’m a good person. As trite as it sounds, I think he helped me feel that way too.

I should go up there with him, sit in the front passenger seat and hold his hand. We’ll be to the Alton sign in a few minutes- at least I think we will be. Then I’ll have to lead him through the gates of hell and show him where to park.

I hope I can do it. Scratch that- I know I can. I’ve been working with Greeley on this for months, and I’ve talked to Luke about what to expect when we arrive.

They used my room again for other kids, but he said no one seems to’ve used that closet. I know cops and other people have been in there, but- I want to go myself. I need to see it one more time before this place gets torn down. And when they tear it down? I’m going to fly back up and tear that closet out first. Luke said I could do it. It seems kind of cheesy, but I think I want to.

I’ve done so much press at this point- talking about conversion therapy. Mostly print media, because I’m still a little shy about TV. But, shit, I’ll drag a magazine crew up here for the big tearing down. I want everyone to know how much this shit sucks.

Truth? I think the only reason I can talk about it is because Mills usually comes with me. He’s a pre-nurse major. Mills is gonna be a fucking psych nurse. He jokes that he’ll always be around to calm me down. We’re at a place where my issues are funny.

Yeah- it’s like that with us.

Damn, I’m pretty sure I see the Alton sign there up ahead now. Miller just now looked back in the rearview mirror. I can feel him wanting me up in the front beside him. Worrying and caring about me.

I’ve got the best boyfriend on planet earth. One day soon I’m gonna put a ring on it.

Ok, I’ve gotta go guide Miller down the road. But it’ll all be okay. I know that for sure now.

Josh

June 16, 2020

Hi, Ezra’s journal. Or should I say HEY. I flipped to the middle, and I hope he won’t mind. I don’t think he’ll mind.

We did it. We went to Alton, and we had keys, so we went in the cabins and the building that was once a prison- and after that, in recent times, more of a torture chamber.

Ezra left a note in one of the clinic rooms from Riley. Inside the note, there was a picture of her and her girlfriend, both flipping the camera off, with real short fingernails. Ha.

We went into the closet. It was pretty fucking awful. We laid down on the floor together, since that was always what he wanted most. For someone to come and hold him. So I did. I think as long as I live, I won’t ever feel as useful as I did at that moment. Like I was born so I could hold him in that awful place and make it all a little better. And I did. We stayed there until he felt ready to go.

Now we’re writing about Alton’s demise in the Alton-issued journal.

Now I’m leaving you a love note, Ez. You’re the strongest, best, and most determined person I know. Or will ever know. I love you so much, there’s no good words that really say it in the way I feel it. I’ve got plans for how to show you. How to tell you. Not just once, but for forever. Starting with some ink tomorrow- to make my chest look like yours. And maybe ending with some white gold or some platinum. Our own shoe closet. Maybe we’ll move to Denver sometime like you used to think about when you were younger. Maybe California. Now that your ankle’s healed up, you could play for any NFL team. I’ll be your private nurse and you can be my teacher. Always. For infinity. Okay?

For now, you’re sleeping, warm beside me in our little RV, and it’s still dark. Life feels good and quiet and peaceful.

So I think I’ll sleep, too.

∞

THE END