Chapter 15

Fifteen

Josh

I t's been two weeks since we got back together. Is that what I should call it? It doesn't feel quite right. I step outside the math building and pull my phone out, texting, ‘Hey there, birthday angel. U know what? It's been two weeks since we found each other again.'

He replies fast. 'I know. I miss u. What're you doing? Math?'

'Just got out'

'Call me?'

He likes when I call him. Considering how closed off Fairplay Ezra was, this fact always surprises me.

"Hey, birthday boy. How's things going?"

"One more class and I'm free,” he says. “Got the Jeep all packed. I should be there by six, and we can get on the road."

"If by on the road, you mean in my bed," I murmur into the phone.

"You know I do."

"Who's the bottom tonight?" I ask cupping my hand around the phone. Over the last week and a half, we've driven to each other almost every other night, and I think I'm starting to understand the cliché that there’s too many bottoms and not enough tops.

"I think you are, Mills. I've been thinking of you that one time—when I had your wrists tied up together. So damn hot. I wanna plow that."

"I'll be your fuck toy. Long as you treat me right."

That makes him chuckle. "I'll treat you more than right. Get that ass ready."

"On it. Just as soon as I get out of physics."

"Send some pics. Millsy."

I can hear affection in his voice. When we get off the phone, I'm walking to the student union for a soda, I can't help thinking how damn crazy it is—all of this. How well we still just...fit.

There's no walls with us this time. No secrets. I trust that he loves me. He lets me love him. We're fucking like bunnies. During this little three day stretch he gets away from practice, we're going up to Fall Creek Falls, a nature spot near Chattanooga.

The phone rings, and I'm smiling as I pull it out of my pocket. But it’s not Ezra. It’s my mom. Fuck.

"Hi, Mom."

"Well hello, Joshua. How are you?"

"I'm pretty good. How about you and Carl?"

"We're good,” he says. “Carl got off early, and he's grilling burgers. We wish you were here."

"I wish that, too."

"So I saw Jenna's mother. She said Jenna will be home this evening. Her finals are over now. We were just wondering when you might be home.”

"Oh yeah.” I feel bad I haven’t thought to call her. “I'll be home in...man, Mom. I don't really know." Jesus, I am so not prepared to do this right now . "It's nothing bad," I rush out. "I just...have some other plans." I inhale deeply and just spit it out. "I'm seeing someone. Like...a boyfriend."

I can tell my mom is shocked by her tone when she says, "You are?"

"Yeah. I am. Someone that you're really going to like. When you meet him." I'm surprised my eyes well as I say that. I swallow hard and say, "Which will be soon. I can't say for sure, but maybe Christmas."

It's the 14th of December right now—Ezra’s birthday. He has off from practice today—Friday—tomorrow, Sunday, and then just a meeting Monday. I was going to stay in his dorm Monday night. The team practices again Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, and then he's off Thursday December 20th through Wednesday the 26th. He has to be back in Tuscaloosa Thursday the 27th. They practice that day and then Friday the 28th, and they fly out to California for the Rose Bowl Saturday the 29th. I'm flying out, too, on the plane that departs right before his. He just doesn't know it yet. There're a few things that he doesn't know. I smile thinking of that.

"Josh? Are you still here?"

"Huh? Sorry. Yeah. I'm still here."

"You're bringing him home for Christmas? This new boy? Can you tell me about him? Something so I can prepare? Does he plan to use our...spare room?"

My poor mom. She's trying to avoid saying "Ezra’s room."

"Yeah, that would be great. If you want to make that bed for him, I would appreciate it."

"Josh! Well, this is just exciting!" Mom is drawling so hard right now. "Carl won't mind, either. Don't worry about that. He loves you just like a son, and he wants you to be happy."

"I'm not worried, Mom. It's okay."

"You sound happy, sweetheart. You sound happier and like you're doing better."

I grit my teeth, swallowing my pride and embarrassment. I think of Ezra locked inside a closet, then locked in a psych place, and how he toughed it out. I can get through this...shame, I guess is what it is.

"I am doing better, Mom. A whole lot better."

"I'm so happy, darling. Carl will be, too. How have finals been?"

I push myself to keep the call going for at least five more minutes. I tell Mom about my physics final, which I think I aced, and about the long, unscripted conversation that I had to have for Spanish. I ask her what she and Carl want for Christmas.

“You don’t need to get us much,” she says.

Maybe not, but if I’m getting them some stuff and Ezra might, too, we’re going to need a long list. He doesn't know he's coming with me yet, but it's the only logical option. I don't want Mom and Carl to be alone for Christmas, and he needs to come clean to his dad—for both of their sakes. Carl is one of the nicest guys ever, and I think Ez needs him. Needs his dad to know what happened. Needs Carl's support and approval.

I feel buoyant when I hang up with Mom. All the better for cleaning up my place and taking a long shower. I send Ez a snap of myself in the steamy mirror when I get out. He sends me one of him driving toward me.

Fuck, I have to be the luckiest person in the world to be this happy. I nearly killed myself with alcohol and weed and pills, but Jenna saved me. Mom and Carl forgave me, even when I wrecked my car and scared them both half to death. Ezra left me, and I thought he didn't give a shit, but he cared so much he remembered me despite his memory loss. And now it's almost Christmas. Now we're going home together to our—married!—parents for a cozy—if odd—family Christmas. I realize I better text my mom a Christmas list for “my boyfriend.” That way, Ez has some good gifts. I check my bank account and Venmo her $400. Then I text her parts of a list.

He had a Nintendo Switch at his mom's house, but he didn't grab it when he went to get his Jeep. He’s mentioned missing it. I ask Mom if she would mind picking one up. I can grab the games myself. I knitted the lion's share of a crimson scarf for him already, on the nights I've been here alone—just to be funny. I'm going to bet he doesn't have a nice fleece jacket. I've got two, but neither of them are particularly nice. Not good enough for a star quarterback. I remember that he had one last year... Mom had bought it, and he never even saw the thing. I text her asking if she could wrap it up for my boyfriend.

'They're about the same size'

Is that Ezra's size anymore, though? I blow my breath out and laugh at myself. I spend the next few hours doing some of the leg work for one of my big surprises. This one's going to surprise Mom and Carl as much as Ezra. It’s less of a gift and more of a…shift. But I hope everyone will be okay about it. I know I'm feeling okay as hell.

I'm almost finished with the calls I'm making when my doorbell rings. I open it slowly, and there's Jenna. She's got her hair in braided pigtails and she's chewing Bubble Yum, which makes my stomach do a little twist.

"Look who is it. The woman herself. Were your ears burning? Mom just called and said your mom said that you're headed out."

She nods. Her brows narrow and she looks me up and down. "Look at you. The prince of loungewear. Those aren't sweatpants, are they? There's no scrunch down at the bottom. Are they 'lounge' pants?”

I can't help laughing my ass off. I usher her in, and she sniffs the air. "Are you wearing cologne?"

"No. It's shaving cream. If that. It could be your nose malfunctioning. For being nosey?"

"Who are you and where is my hot mess friend Josh? Did you take all your finals?"

"No, I just blew most of them off. Sitting here in a pile of garbage popping pills and drinking Everclear."

Jenna's eyes bug out. "Josh! Who is he? What's his name? And is he hot?"

"Are you implying I can't turn my shit around without a man?"

She gives me a no-shit look. "Um, yeah. I might be. Is there someone? Are you on antidepressants?"

I laugh again. "So much skepticism! I am not on anti-Ds, although I would be if I needed to be. Pro-meds here." I flash a peace sign.

"That's a real smile." She pinches my cheeks, and then she's got her arm around my shoulders, and she's hanging from my neck like some kind of insane monkey.

"Jenna, Jenna... Perhaps the real inquiry that should be made is how are you?" I pat her back. "Starved for affection?"

"Shuddup, Josh. Don't play that shit with me." She lets go of my neck and peers up at me. “You scared me to death. I was so worried. And I've been worried. And now I'm not because you look so healthy. Like the old Josh. So I'm about to sit down on this couch, and you're going to tell me what happened to fix you. Every single detail." She sits, crossing her legs. "But for reals. Who is it?"

"Jenn, I started doing yoga, found a therapist, and got my teeth cleaned. Getting eight hours and two liters a day of water. There's no boy here." I grin, and she pats my couch's cushion.

"You are full of bullshit. Come sit here and tell me all the bullshit. Right now, cause I'm rolling out in forty minutes to be home in time for Mom’s parm casserole."

I beat around the bush a few more minutes, drumming up dramatic energy. When I tell Jenna, she literally screams. By the time she leaves my place a full fifty minutes later, she looks like she's been through all the phases of grief.

"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Like seriously ever. Jesus, Joshie. I won't tell. And be good to him. Y'all give each other so many hugs. And maybe bring him by for Christmas? We could...I don't know...like go for a walk. Something?"

I smile. "Something. Promise."

When she's gone, I lie on the couch and stare up at the ceiling, cataloguing everything I told her. It wasn't much. I told her Ezra’s mom's a piece of shit and forced him into inpatient—all because she can’t accept him being gay and views it as a mental issue. I told her they did electroconvulsive therapy and that he lost his memory, but that's all. And I feel bad even for that. But there was no way to tell Jenna—my most ride or die friend—that I was back with Ezra and have her understand unless she knew why he had ghosted me. Her wrath for him had been…significant.

Ez calls right after, and I can't keep a secret. I blurt out what I told Jenna, and to my relief, he's understanding.

"I get it. She's your best friend, that's what you said, right? I bet she was pissed as hell that I hurt you. Like any good friend."

"She's not now. And you're not upset?"

"Nah. It's gonna get out somehow. To at least the people that I knew from Fairplay."

"So...um...that reminds me. Christmas? You onboard for that shit?"

"Christmas?” He sounds surprised. “I don't know. You're going down there?"

"Yeah. I sort of wanted to. But not without you. Anyway, it doesn't matter right now. We'll discuss it later. First let's get you here and get you all sexed up and then eat birthday pizza and get birthday cupcakes."

"You're in luck..."

There's a knock on my door. I pull it open, and there's Ezra grinning, holding a pizza box.

I kiss his lips, and as he steps inside, I think: If I lost my memory, I hope this would make it through.