Chapter 19

19

Tanner couldn't believe he was a married man.

Palming the back of his neck, he stared at the bedroom door, his pulse pounding. A part of him was glad Maisy was finally his and that he could stop pretending he didn't want her.

But another part of him was petrified. What if he'd made a terrible mistake? What if one or both of them ended up being unhappy? After all, they hadn't decided what they would do about their living arrangements. Where would they go? What would he do? How would they forge a life together?

At the late hour, the house was quiet behind him save for the murmur of voices and soft laughter from Hazel and Maverick, just a couple doors down from his room with Maisy.

His room with Maisy and his bed with Maisy.

Heat speared Tanner low and hard. There was no denying that he and Maisy had plenty of mutual attraction. If their past kisses were any indication of the passion they would share, he was most definitely looking forward to gathering her in his arms again. And this time, he wouldn't have to feel any guilt. Now that they were man and wife, he'd be able to hold her and kiss her as much as he wanted.

Regardless of that marital privilege, he quickly stomped out the heat. Tonight wasn't the night to think about gathering her close. Not only was she still recovering from her gunshot wound, but they had a lot to work through before they would be ready for a real marriage.

After all, neither of them had exactly entered the union willingly. Tanner hadn't been able to think straight with Cleveland's hunting knife filleting him like a slab of buffalo meat. Hazel had since doctored his wounds, but his neck and chin still stung—the constant reminder of the sting of Cleveland's accusations about how he'd failed Maisy.

Maisy had been reluctant to marry him too. And she'd only agreed to it when Cleveland had revealed his true reason for the hasty marriage—that he'd wanted to wash his hands of his responsibility for Maisy so he could move on to a new adventure.

When Cleveland had shared his plans to move, Tanner had seen the light snuff out of Maisy's beautiful blue-green eyes. She'd been hurt that her pa had decided to leave her behind like a piece of unwanted furniture. Not that she would have wanted to go along with him anyway. But the least Cleveland could have done was express his affection for her and let her know he'd miss her and wanted to give her a better life.

Whatever the case, he wasn't joining Maisy in the bed yet. Yet was the key word. He had every intention of being with her eventually. Now that they were married, he would put every effort into having a good marriage like Pa and Ma Oakley's. He planned on loving her and giving her everything she wanted and needed. And he suspected she'd be just as bold with their physical relationship in marriage as she'd been during their kisses. The chemistry between them would be explosive, and he was looking forward to testing it and lighting some fuses.

But for now, he would be patient. He'd already had to use more self-control than he'd thought possible over the past two weeks with her. And he'd keep doing so as they sorted through their hurts and figured out their future.

What would they do with their future? That was the all-important question.

He paced away from the bedroom door and then back. He still didn't know how to move forward, and he'd been thinking about the options all day as he'd helped Maverick round up stray cattle. He'd hoped to keep an eye on Smoke in the process and make sure the wolf didn't get too near any of the livestock, but the creature hadn't been in sight.

Tanner had returned to check on Maisy several times throughout the day, and she'd been sleeping. He guessed the extended time out of bed, the stress of having her pa visit, and then the forced marriage had worn her out. She'd probably also needed some time alone and hadn't wanted to talk about her pa's leaving.

When Tanner had taken her a tray of supper earlier, she hadn't stirred, and he'd left it on the bedside table.

But now... he halted in front of the door again. Should he try to talk to her? At the very least, he could ask her how she was doing and assure her that he cared about what she was feeling.

Could they start to talk about what they would do once she was well enough to leave High C Ranch?

He'd again contemplated the possibility of contacting his brother and taking over his ranch—or at least running it while Ryder lived out East. The idea of being so tied down to one place weighed heavily upon Tanner, like an oxen yoke on his shoulders, demanding that he go one direction when he'd rather veer off wherever his feet took him from one day to the next.

But now that he was married, maybe it was time to force himself to put down roots, build a life and home, and give Maisy the normal life she wanted. Could he really do it?

Blowing out a tense breath, he opened the door and stepped into the room. It was dark, the light of the evening having faded, leaving deep shadows behind. He carefully made his way to the bedside table. Should he light the lantern? Or should they talk in the darkness? Maybe she'd feel more comfortable opening up if she didn't feel he was scrutinizing her.

He paused beside the bed. "Maisy?" He kept his voice to a whisper, not wanting to startle her.

She didn't move.

Was she ignoring him? Maybe she'd pretended to be asleep during his earlier visits so that she didn't have to interact with anyone. If that was the case, he'd given her plenty of time to herself. And now she needed a nudge to talk.

"Maisy," he said again, louder.

She still didn't respond.

His pulse picked up pace. Something wasn't right. Normally she would have answered him in her sassy voice, telling him to leave her alone or to go away or find someone else to pester.

The absolute silence was uncanny and wasn't like her.

Had her fever returned? Maybe she'd taken a turn for the worst...

With his heart racing, he couldn't light the bedside lantern fast enough. His fingers fumbled with the match and the glass globe until a small flame was burning and illuminating the outline of her body underneath the covers.

She hadn't moved from the last time he'd come to check on her.

"Maisy." He reached down and touched her shoulder. Except the outline was too soft.

"What in the world?" He tugged the cover away from her body to find that it wasn't her shoulder or her body. It was a mound of pillows and blankets.

He stood frozen in place. What had happened to her? Had someone taken her?

His blood chilled at the prospect, but just as quickly, he put that thought from his mind. He scanned the room to find that her bag and her belongings were all gone. She'd packed her bags and shoved the pillows and blankets under the covers as a disguise to fool him into thinking she was there. Then she'd gone out, getting a head start on wherever she'd decided to go.

His muscles tensed, and he began kneading the back of his neck again. Why? Why would she run away so soon after their wedding?

"Come on, Maisy." With the frustration mounting like a summer storm, he swiped up one of the pillows and tossed it across the room. "We could have talked first."

She'd once hinted they could have a life together, and he hadn't been open to it. Now that he was open to it, she apparently wasn't. What had changed her mind? Was she still angry with him?

Maybe. Even though she'd said she accepted his apology, that obviously hadn't resolved everything between them. She was probably still hurt and had gone along with her pa and the forced wedding to keep everyone safe, planning all along to leave him the first chance she had.

He threw another pillow. This one hit the chair, and the force toppled it backward so that it crashed against the floor.

"Blast!" The shout came out louder than he'd anticipated, but he suddenly didn't care. He didn't care about anything except her. And now she was gone.

He dropped to the edge of the bed and bowed his head, despair rushing through him in a crushing blow.

"Everything all right in there?" came Maverick's question from outside the open door of his bedroom.

"No." Nothing was all right. He was suddenly more miserable than he'd ever been in his life. The woman he loved had run off, left him, and didn't want to be with him. The empty ache in his chest swelled painfully—an empty ache that he'd tried to fill for so many years without success.

"What's going on?" Maverick asked as he hastily donned a shirt.

Tanner shook his head, trying to convince himself that he needed to send Maverick back to his wife. His relationship with Maisy wasn't anyone's problem but his, and yet he could hardly breathe.

"Where's Maisy?" Maverick approached the bed.

"She ran away." Tanner forced the words past his tight chest.

"Ran away?"

"She's gone." He wanted to storm out of the house, saddle up his horse, and track her down. He'd easily locate her within an hour. But if she didn't want to be with him, what good would it do to find her? She was stubborn and would probably figure out another way to leave him.

"You're sure she left?"

"She doesn't want me." Nobody wanted him. As soon as the words filtered through him, emptiness left a cold trail in their wake.

A faded memory took shape—one he hadn't thought about in ages, from the last orphanage he and Ryder had stayed in. It had been a hard place to live—harder than any of the others because it had been overcrowded with kids who'd been left fatherless due to the War of Rebellion. Many had previously been homeless on the streets and had become selfish and cruel in order to survive.

Ryder hadn't been afraid to stand up to anyone to protect Tanner, keeping him safe plenty of times from tormenters. Tanner had never worried about getting hurt physically, but the taunts had been relentless from one boy in particular. The day Ryder had been told he had to leave for industrial school, Tanner hadn't been able to control his tears at the prospect of losing his brother. The boy—whose name he couldn't remember anymore—had laughed at him and thrown out the words that had lingered with him for years.

"Nobody wants you," the boy had said through a gap-toothed sneer. His grimy face had been hard with a bitterness Tanner hadn't understood at the time but now guessed was a result of rejection. "Nobody wants you, not even your brother."

Even though Ryder had assured him later that he did want him and had proven it by running away with him from the orphanage so they could stay together, Tanner had felt like a burden to Ryder after that. In some ways, he'd always felt like a burden to the Oakleys too, and he supposed that had driven him out on his own just as soon as he'd been able to survive in the wilderness by himself.

Maverick stood beside him and was buttoning his shirt. "She's got a mighty big hankering for a scallywag like you." Maverick's tone was filled with a cocky confidence.

Of course Maverick, who was already married to the love of his life, would say so. "If she really wanted me, why did she leave me?"

Maverick stared hard at the bed, contemplating Tanner's question seriously.

Tanner appreciated that he'd always been able to talk deeply with Maverick. In fact, Tanner had been the one to point out truths to Maverick when he'd been having a difficult time with Hazel before they'd gotten married. Maybe now it was Maverick's turn to point out truths to him.

Tanner waited expectantly, needing something—anything—that he could cling to.

"Both me and Hazel said the same thing," Maverick finally said quietly. "Maisy looks at you as if you're her whole world."

"I wish that was the case, but that's a stretch."

Maverick released a soft guffaw. "Reckon that girl's been in love with you for years, but you were clueless, as always."

"As always?"

"Yep. There have been plenty of women who would've tossed their loop around you if you'd noticed them..." Maverick's eyes filled with understanding. "Holy high heavens. The answer's as plain as day. You didn't notice anyone else because Maisy's been your whole world too."

Tanner started to shake his head in denial but then stopped himself. Hadn't he already admitted that part of the reason he had yet to move on was because of her?

"The real question is this." Maverick finished buttoning his shirt and crossed his arms. "Why haven't you told her she's your whole world?"

"Guess I never let myself think about a future with her."

"Do you love her?"

It wouldn't hurt to admit it, would it? Especially because he was married to her. "Realized it during this last visit with her."

"But you didn't say so to her?"

He'd had the chance to share his feelings that last night together during the standoff with Lester. He could have said something this past week, like when she'd woken up from her fever. Or he could have told her during the short wedding ceremony. But he hadn't.

Slowly, he hung his head and shook it.

"Why?" Maverick's voice held a note of chastisement. "What's holding you back, Tanner?"

Maybe Maisy did look at him as if he was her world. But would that change eventually? "We want different things out of life."

Maverick just raised a brow.

"I won't make her happy."

This time Maverick snorted. "That's a bunch of cow dung. I ain't known Maisy long, but I can tell she don't need much to make her happy. Reckon having a man who loves her and ain't gonna leave her like her pa did is all she wants."

"But that's just it. My trapping takes me all over the mountains too."

"Take her with you."

Tanner's spinning thoughts slowed to a halt. Was the solution really that simple? She'd tagged along with him every day when he'd been staying with her. And if he was truly honest with himself, he'd loved spending the time together. Whether they'd been hiking silently or having a discussion, her companionship had filled him up. She'd seemed to enjoy being with him too.

Was it possible she would like going with him wherever he went? That they could work together?

"But that's not really the issue, is it?" Maverick's expression turned serious. "This ain't about her, Tanner. This is about you."

He started to protest, then he clamped his jaw closed.

Maverick was right. Tanner didn't really care all that much about his fur trapping or trail guiding. If he didn't do it anymore, he'd probably be fine. Sure, he loved the wilderness and always would. But he'd settled on the mountain-man life because he'd been restless and searching for a place to belong.

Maybe that restlessness and searching had stemmed from the fear he'd unleashed just a moment ago—the fear that nobody wanted him. Was it possible he'd even sabotaged his relationship with Maisy and had kept pushing her away so that he wouldn't have to face her rejection?

It was not only possible, it was true. He'd been afraid—and maybe still was—that if he allowed himself to get too close to her, she wouldn't really want him. Was she doing the same? Pushing him away to avoid getting hurt again by another man who was like her pa?

The fact was, her rejection by her pa was worse than anything he'd ever experienced. At least his parents hadn't willingly left him. They'd loved him enough to sacrifice themselves to save him and Ryder by hiding them in the secret compartment in the covered wagon.

But Maisy's pa hadn't loved her enough to sacrifice anything for her. Instead, Cleveland had chosen to walk out of his daughter's life and leave her behind. No wonder she'd run away.

Tanner buried his face in his hands and groaned. Instead of loving her above everything else and sacrificing for her the way she'd needed, all he'd done was hold her at arm's length. "I'm to blame. I pushed her away because of my own insecurities."

"Then it looks like you gotta make peace with those insecurities."

It was past time that he made peace with all that had happened, the same way Ryder had. Tanner knew he'd already come a long way. After all, he'd let go of his need to investigate who his family was. But he obviously had another step in the healing process, and that was the need to stop looking at himself as a nobody who didn't belong anywhere.

His past was behind him. He still had his whole life ahead of him. It was time to truly let himself belong to the Oakley family and also to make a new family of his own. He had a feeling his parents, watching him from heaven, would want him to be free from where he'd been stuck for so long and move on.

He couldn't think of anyone that he wanted to make a new family with more than Maisy. In fact, he couldn't think of anything that he'd ever want more. Because the truth was, no matter where he was or what he was doing, they could have a happy marriage if he just had the courage to let go of his past and all the baggage that came with it.

An urgent need began to pulse through him—the need to be with her, to have her by his side, and to never be apart ever again, even for just a minute. She was his whole life, his family, and his future. And he needed to let her know nothing else mattered but her.

As if sensing the inner turmoil, Maverick laid a hand on Tanner's shoulder and squeezed.

"I have to show her how much she means to me, Mav." He had to do something big, something that would show her he was different than her pa, something that would send a message loud and clear that he loved her more than anything or anyone else and that he'd sacrifice everything to have her, even his life.

"What do you want to do?" Maverick watched him expectantly.

The urge to rush out tonight pushed at Tanner. At the very least, he had to make sure she was someplace safe and secure. Even though she was a strong woman and could make her way anywhere just fine, especially if Smoke was nearby protecting her, she was still weak and vulnerable from her injury. He'd never rest if he didn't find out where she'd gone.

He stood, situated his gun belt more securely around his waist, then nodded at the door. "I need to locate her and make sure she's okay. But I'll wait until tomorrow to talk to her, after I have a plan in place for winning her back."

"I'll ride out with you." Maverick started tucking in his shirt.

Tanner was tempted to tell him to go back to his wife, but he knew Maverick would never listen, that he'd stay with him until the end. Just the way family did for each other.

He stuck out his hand for a handshake. "You're a good brother, Mav."

Maverick looked at his hand and then his face. Before Tanner realized it, Maverick was pulling him into a back-slapping embrace. "You're a good brother too, Tanner."

A new warmth settled deep inside Tanner. He'd held back a piece of himself from his family for too long. And it was time to give them all his love the same way they'd given him all of theirs.

As he headed out into the cold night with Maverick and crossed the ranch yard toward the barns, his gaze snagged on a wolf in the moonlight on a rise a short distance from the mare barn. Smoke was still here.

Tanner halted abruptly. That could only mean one thing. Maisy was still here too.

Smoke glanced Tanner's way as if to say hi, then he focused back on the mare barn.

Maverick had stopped beside him and noticed Smoke now too.

"Maisy's in the mare barn," Tanner whispered.

Maverick nodded. "Want me to go in and see where she's at?"

"Yes." Better Maverick than him. He was more than a little relieved that she hadn't ventured far yet, and he didn't want to take any chance that she'd take one look at him and this time really run away.

Maverick started forward, sauntering casually, as if he made a practice of browsing among the horses every night before going to bed.

"Make sure she doesn't realize you're checking up on her," Tanner whispered after him.

"I'll tell her you're waiting for her back in bed." Maverick tossed him a teasing grin. "Don't worry. I'll pretend I don't see her."

Tanner waited in the middle of the ranch yard, unable to move. He wanted to race into the barn, find Maisy, and pull her into his arms. But the next time he talked with her, he didn't want to have any more fumbling conversations where he said everything wrong and made a mess of their relationship.

He wanted to make things right between them and show her how much he loved her.

It didn't take Maverick more than five minutes or so before he moseyed out of the barn.

"She okay?" Tanner's question came out breathless with the anxiety that was closing up his lungs.

Maverick was chewing on a piece of hay, twirling it between his teeth. "Yep. She's fast asleep in a big pile of hay in the empty stall."

"Does she look all right?"

"So comfortable I doubt you'll get her out."

Tanner let the tension ease from his shoulders.

Maverick clamped him on the shoulder. "She might just decide to make that stall your new home."

"Guess I'll have to tempt her with something better." As soon as the words left Tanner's mouth, he straightened, and his thoughts began to race with an idea, the possible beginning of a plan to win her over.

If he went through with it, he'd need Clementine to come out to the barn in the morning and buy him a little time by stalling Maisy from heading wherever she might try to go next.

His heart pattered with new excitement. He wanted to leave Maisy with no doubt how he felt. He just hoped he could do it.