Chapter 35

Liam

It's our first practice of the spring semester and my focus is shot. I thought two weeks away from the sport would have me itching to be back on the field. That's how it used to be. Instead I can't get my brain off Emilia, my girlfriend. Saying that still feels surreal. I took the risk and I'm beyond grateful that it paid off.

Christmas break with Emi and my family flew by. We headed back to campus yesterday, since I had practice today and Emilia has work tonight. I have mixed emotions about being back at school since our schedules will get busier this semester, especially with it being our last semester of undergrad. However, it will also be nice to have time with her without my family hogging her. Eliza and my mom fell in love with Emilia. They bonded over books and rom coms. Emi asked them to help her learn to cook and bake more dishes which has both of them over the moon. My heart was so full watching Emilia with my family. She looked so at peace, like she always belonged right there with us.

When I told Emilia that I liked her, I think it was a lie. I'm pretty sure I loved her. If I didn't then after the past two weeks together, I know for a fact that I do now. I try to shake my wandering thoughts and focus on the team in front of me. As captain it's my job to lead, so that's what I do. We start with some stretches, making sure our arms are nice and loose, followed by laps around the bases to keep up endurance. Between my years in the sport and my major in athletic training I truly feel like I'm a great pick for captain for the team, not to toot my own horn. The only issue has been my heart not being in it.

After our warmups, Coach takes over, having us run drills before setting up a small scrimmage for us to get in some actual play time against one another. I zone myself in, remembering why I'm doing this. Why I want, or need rather, to get drafted. Thankfully zoning in works, I hit a ball out of the park and get three outs while I'm on first. I'm good at this. Good at baseball.

As soon as I get back to the house I hop in the shower, letting the hot water soothe sore muscles and warm me back up. January in Massachusetts means bitter cold but since it isn't snowing and there isn't any on the ground that means practice was all outdoors. Which is way better for training and prepping for the season but my fingers are numb now from standing outside for hours.

After I get out of the shower and throw on some sweats and a t-shirt I make my way over to the desk in my room. Opening the bottom drawer, I pull out a black box, that's the size of a piece of paper. I bring the box over to my bed with me and start to look through the contents. Pictures of my dad fill the box. One of me standing in front of the gate and him in his baseball uniform standing behind me, we both have the biggest smiles on our faces. Another, a picture of my mom and me wearing his jersey while he gazes at my mom like she's the whole world. Under the pictures sits my first glove, with a note tucked inside that my dad had attached to it when he gave it to me for my fourth birthday. "For my son. May you always chase your dreams. Love, Dad."

This right here, this is why I play. For the man who can't any longer. To make him proud and carry out his dream. I get lost in my thoughts, looking through all the old photographs and notes I've kept in this box. It's been a while since I pulled it out, the memories are too painful sometimes. We lost him suddenly. Well, it was sudden to me and Eliza but he had been sick. Mom knew he was sick, of course, he couldn't hide anything from her if he tried. He didn't want us to know though, didn't want our last memories of him to be him feeling sick or weak so everyday he woke us up with a smile on his face and played ball with me or dolls with Eli. Until one day he was just gone.

The day after we lost him I had a little league game, I refused to miss it. Mom wanted us all to stay home together but I told her I had to play, it's what dad would've wanted. He taught me about focus, honing in on a dream and giving it your all and from that moment forward I put my all into baseball. Everything I had went to the sport and getting good grades to get into college and get drafted.

My phone rings, making me jolt back to the present, I grab it from the nightstand and see Emilia calling me. Fuck. I got stuck in my thoughts too long and now I'm late to pick her up. I'm standing and running down the stairs as I answer the phone.

"Baby. I'm so sorry. I'm on my way." I slip my sneakers on, forgoing the coat and rushing to my Jeep.

"It's okay. I just got off. You know I can walk home if you're busy."

"No. I'm not, I just got distracted." I ignore the fact that she thinks it would be okay to walk home. Even if I was busy, I'd find a way to make sure she wasn't walking across campus in the dark, especially now with freezing temperatures and icy sidewalks. I'm already down the street, two minutes away from Nico's. It's close to my house which I'm grateful for now.

"I'm pulling up in two."

"Okay. See you soon." Her soft voice grounds me. Taking me down from my slightly frazzled state. Moments later I pull up to the front of the restaurant, putting the jeep in park. I quickly unbuckle and hop out.

"Hi." I breathe out the word. Leave it to her to look stunning even after working all evening.

"Hi." She stands on her tiptoes, planting a soft and quick kiss to my lips. "Is everything okay?" Her eyes lock on mine like she can read my thoughts if she looks long enough.

"Yes." It's a half truth. My mind was a mess today but seeing her has brought me back to the present. I reach for the bag slung over her shoulder, sliding it off, she holds my gaze a beat longer before nodding and heading to the other side of the car. I follow her, opening the door and letting her get in before placing her bag in the backseat and getting back in the driver"s side.

I start the drive back to my place. The first time Emilia's spending the night where it's just the two of us since Ryan is, thankfully, at an away game. When we got back to campus yesterday we both took a night to ourselves and settled back into our respective homes. Tomorrow we're going car shopping for Emi so it made sense to have her stay over tonight. I mean I would've wanted her to even if we weren't going anywhere but it's a good excuse.

"So, James was fired." Emilia states from her side of the car.

"What? Really?" I can't say I'm unhappy about that. I hated that they would still have shifts together but there was simply nothing I could do about it.

"Yeah. I guess after his shift the other day he cornered Taylor, she just started she's a freshman," she clarifies. "She went on a date with him last week but never called him back, he obviously didn't like that and tried to kiss her right in front of Nico's after they closed but thankfully her roommate was driving in to pick her up as it happened." Emi finishes the story just as I pull into my driveway and put the car in park.

"Wow. I'm glad he got fired."

"Me too." She plays with the hem of her jacket before looking up at me with glossy eyes. "I should've said something to the owners back when this happened to me. It's my fault it happened to her." A stray tear slips down Emi's cheek, I reach up brushing it away.

"It's not your fault. If it wasn't her, then it could've been someone else, somewhere else."

"I know that but I still just feel… ugh, like I should've done something more." At the time I wanted her to do more, I didn't want to just let him go home with his friend but it was her decision to make and at the end of the day neither of us saw this coming from him. I played ball with him for three years and he always seemed like the perfect family guy.

"I know." I grab her hands in mine. "But you did what you needed to at the time and now you never have to see him again." She nods and I lean forward pressing a kiss to her temple.

"C'mon let"s go inside." It's not until we get upstairs and I open the door to my room that I realize I left out my black box with pictures scattered all over my bed. In my frantic haze I just left everything right where it was in an attempt to get to Emilia as fast as I could. I haven't talked to Emi much about my dad. She knows he passed but that's about it. It's not for any reason now other than I feel like she could see right through me. The fear I'll confess something to her that I haven't even yet confessed to myself runs through me.

"Aw are these baby pictures?" Emi coo's heading over to my bed. I could hide it, run in front of her and stuff it away but I find myself wanting to share these memories with her.

I watch as she gently picks up one of the photos that's scattered on the bed, one of me, mom and Eli eating ice cream, taken by dad. "Wow, your mom hasn't aged a day. I need her secrets." I can't help but chuckle because she's right. My mom looks nearly the same today as she does in this picture that was taken fifteen years ago.

"I'm sure she'll share all her secrets with you. She adores you." I sit next to Emilia on the bed, looking at the photo in her hands.

"Well that's good because the feelings are mutual." She smiles at me before picking up another photograph, one of my dad and I from after my first tee ball game. I'm on dad's shoulders, glove still on my hand, smiling like an idiot. "Is this your dad?" Her voice comes out softer, more gentle as she looks from the photo to me.

"Yeah."

"You look just like him." In this photo my dad is only about twenty-six so I'm only a few years younger now than he was then. There are a lot of similarities between us, I have his green eyes, the same curly hair though his is a few shades darker, and the same smile.

"My parents met in college, sophomore year. They fell in love quickly and were engaged around Christmas of their senior year. They got married that June a month after graduation. Then nine months later, there I was."

"Wow. That's amazing." There's a wistful look in her eyes. Despite everything she is a romantic through and through. I can only hope I get to show her the beautiful life full of love that she deserves.

"Anyways, my dad was playing in the minor league right after college with dreams of getting called up to the majors but he ended up tearing his rotator cuff and needing surgery. His arm never really got back up to full strength and he had to give up his career."

"Ahh. So baseball runs in the family."

"Yeah. He's why I started playing." I look down at the picture still in Emilia's hands. A wave of emotion takes over me as I think about telling her what happened next. I feel the wetness pool in my eyes, I look to the ceiling willing the tears away.

"You don't have to tell me anything else." She slips her small hand in mine giving me a reassuring squeeze. For years I've refused to talk about dad's passing. It was too painful. I went to therapy for a while but eventually my mom let me stop and ever since then I purposely avoid topics surrounding this time of my life.

"I know but I want to."

"Then I'd love to listen." I nod, shifting on the bed to sit up against the pillows that rest in front of the headboard. Emilia puts everything back in the box, then does the same, placing the uncovered box between us. She sits facing me, grabbing my hands and threading her fingers through mine. Even her smallest touches give me strength.

"When I was young my parents said I could do anything I wanted, try any sport or club but I knew it had to be baseball. I wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps. He dreamed of making it to the majors but after his injury he needed surgery. He was a pitcher and that injury ended his career." Emi keeps her eyes on me the whole time and I'm grateful for just sitting here and listening. I don't think I even realized how much I wanted to talk about him until now, here with her.

"His career ended right around the time I started tee-ball." I continue, "I remember telling him not to worry that I would make it to the major leagues for the both of us." A laugh startles out of me at the memory. "From the moment he gave me my first glove and I picked up my first bat at that game I was determined to make it happen. I guess the only difference between how I imagined it and reality is that I thought he'd be here to see it." Tears form in the corners of my eyes again, Emi squeezes my hand. A sign that she's here but also that I can stop if I need to.

"He died when I was nine. It was sudden, or so I thought." I see the puzzled look in her eyes. "He was sick, cancer. He found out about a year before he passed, and it wasn't treatable. Mom knew because he couldn't hide anything from her, she read him like a book."

One stray tear trickles down Emi's cheek, so I reach to brush it away. "I'm sorry." There's a double meaning behind those two words.

"Don't be, baby." She has nothing to be sorry for, my emotional girl, I love that she feels so deeply. "Dad didn't want Eli and I to know, he didn't want us to be scared in our last moments with him. Instead, he wanted to live them to the fullest. Looking back we definitely did more that year than any other year. Ice cream after every game, missing school for vacations. Anyways, he passed one night, peacefully as he slept next to mom."

"Oh, Liam." Emi launches herself into my arms, engulfing me in a crushing hug. My own tears have silently spilled over, she pushes back lightly, using her hoodie sleeve to wipe them away.

"I remember mom coming downstairs, asking me to make myself and Eli a bowl of cereal and to sit on the back patio until she came to get us, her eyes red rimmed. I didn't question her, just did as she asked. We ate and then played on the swing set until my mom came out a little later, bringing us both inside and explaining what had happened. He was my hero, I was devastated. My dream to play in the major leagues was amplified then and that's what I've been working for ever since."

Emilia nods in understanding, pulling back from the hug and cuddling up to my side. Her eyes look up, locking on mine. "Is that still your dream?" The question I dreaded anyone ever asking me. A question I'm still not sure I have the answer for but it has to be. I've committed to this, for me and dad.

"Yes." Her eyes search mine looking for something behind that statement. I can tell she's not convinced and I swallow the lump in my throat. Instead of calling me out she lets it be.

"You're an amazing man Liam. Your dad would be so proud of you." I hope she's right. I like to think she is.

"Thank you, baby." I plant a kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you for sharing him with me."