Winnie

I'm here at the bakery late again tonight. I've been here as much as possible the last week. I haven't spoken to Rhett in six days. His first game is tonight and I want to be there for him so badly. I feel like my body is caving in on itself. After recovering from my panic attack last week I had to come to terms with the fact that I am not strong enough to survive losing him. Also, for the first time since the night of their deaths I let myself be selfish and have something I really wanted. Only for my brother to wind up in the hospital with a head injury the next day. I'm not meant to have all the things I want. I had been selfish the night of my parents" accident, too.

The loss of my parents affected me in ways I'm still finding out about. I've been to therapy on and off over the years. There's obviously a lot more I'll need to work through, but losing them when I did, how I did. I know Colt was devastated by their deaths as well. We had fantastic parents. The best. They were fun and colorful. They loved us and they loved each other and that was evident. The night of their accident I had been such a brat. I physically flinch thinking about it.

They were on their way home from their weekly date like normal when they called home to check on us. I was pouting, because I wanted to go to Bailey Holt"s slumber party that night and my parents had said no. I told them that I might feel better if they brought us home ice cream sundae supplies. My father had laughed when my mom relayed my request, a deep belly laugh that I can hear in my ears now. She had a smile in her voice as she told me they would be home, with the supplies, in 15 minutes.

When 15 minutes turned to 30, we didn't think too much of it. When 30 minutes turned to an hour, we heard a knock on the door and rushed to greet them. It had been Aunt Carol, telling us we needed to come to the hospital. We were told my father died on impact, but my mother suffered for 27 minutes before she died on an operating table. I let out a sob at the memory. Colt had been so strong and stoic. I was a blubbering inconsolable mess. It had been my fault. They were turning out of the grocery store"s parking lot and a driver ran a red light while driving 60 mph, 25 mph faster than the speed limit. When my Aunt asked about the other driver they told us he passed on the ambulance ride to the hospital.

I thought hearing that the man who did this to us was dead would somehow make me feel better, but it didn't. It just felt like more death on my hands. Rationally, I can tell myself that the accident wasn't my fault and that it was just a tragic accident. But deep down in the pit of my consciousness, it still feels like I caused it. I'm not sure how to make that go away. When good things happen to me or I get what I want, I think it will always be tarnished by the guilty feeling that accompanies it. I don't want to saddle someone else with that burden or expose myself in that way to someone just for them to leave.

I'm leaning into my anxiety when the door to my kitchen swings open and I see Mary standing there. I want to cry at the sight of her. She's good at popping up when I need her. I think Rhett inherited that from her. His name is a stab in my heart. Her next question loosens the dam I've been building to keep my tears at bay for the last six days.

"Winnie, honey. What's the matter?" I break.

I tell her everything. That I'm in love with her son and I believe he loves me too, but I don't think I can take that chance with someone. Anyone. I tell her how I feel guilty when things work out for me and that I'm scared something bad will happen if I'm happy. I end my tangent with the fact that Rhett has left before and he could again. I may not be worth the trouble. She smiles sadly at me.

"I'm pretty certain Rhett thinks you're worth it, Winnie."

"Has he said something to you?" I sniff.

"You could say that." I raise my brow at her. "Here." She hands me the local paper, I am more confused now.

"Um thanks? I'll save the crossword for later."

"Not the crossword, Winnie. The sports column." I flip it over and see a picture of a smiling Rhett. God, he's beautiful. Below the picture the article's headline reads.

SILVERTHORNE ALUMNI, RHETT HOLLOWAY, TO LEAD BOYS HOCKEY TEAM TO VICTORY

"This is great, Mary. I really am so happy for him." I go to set the paper down and she sighs heavily.

"Read the article, Winnie. Please. Specifically the last few paragraphs." I eye her warily but concede.

When asked about being back in Silverthorne, Coach Holloway said as much as he is looking forward to coaching his team to victory, the biggest reason he sees himself sticking around here is that he's in love with the woman who owns the local bakery.

I gasp and tears fill my eyes as I keep reading.

"I love hockey and always will. Playing professionally for the past decade of my life has been a great privilege, but Coaching these boys the past few months has been the most challenging and rewarding. I'm hoping this season and in the years to come, I can prove to this community that I'm willing to put in the work to get these boys the opportunities they deserve. I'm planning on being around for a long while, if anyone had any doubts. There's a woman here that I've been in love with since I was seventeen and I plan to marry her as soon as I can get her to say yes… You may know her as the woman who runs and owns the very successful bakery, Thistle and Sage. They have the best cinnamon rolls in the state?—"

I stop reading when the tears become too much for me to see through and wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my tee shirt. I let out a sob at the realization that I could have lost Rhett, because of my own stupidity. He wants me. He'll stay. I just have to take this small risk and the reward it will bring will absolutely outweigh it. I check my phone. Another unanswered message from Rhett time stamped at 3:37 this afternoon.

"I won't give up on us Winnie. You and me are end game. If you decide to take the risk with me, meet me on the ice tonight. I love you. Get in your head about it if you have to, but please take me with you."

I feel my lips tremble, clear my throat and glance at the woman who has been like a mother to me when I needed one the most.

"Can I still make the game?" Mary checks her watch.

"You have 15 minutes. If you hurry I think you can make it." I jump off the stool and sprint out of the front glass door and down the sidewalk to the school. I trip twice on the way, but only fall once, skinning my knee and scuffing my hands up. All I can think about is getting to Rhett. He needs to know that I'm all in like he is. That I will stick by him like he's promised to do for me. I need to tell him I'm so stupidly in love with him that I'll fight through all my insecurities to make us work.

I make it to the school in 10 minutes despite my clumsiness. It's the last two minutes in the last period when I burst through the side door of the arena. I spot Rhett immediately on entrance. He's in a suit and looking so devastatingly handsome that I can barely stand it. How could I have been so stupid? He's talking to one of his players before sending him out onto the ice. When I check the score board again I see how close the game is. 3-4. We're up by 1. I know how badly he wants this win. I bite my nail and shift from foot to foot. The time is running out and I'm vibrating with nerves. I want this for him.

When the buzzer sounds and we're still up by one I let out a whistle, cheering loudly. Rhett's celebrating with his team, but when they all head off to the locker room his eyes find mine instantly. I smile a watery smile. Pride inflates my chest for him. He's proven not only that he's the best player to ever step out onto the ice here, but that he's also going to be the best coach. His smile is wide, showing off his straight white teeth that he somehow managed to keep intact. I decide to make a run for him. Not my best decision. I jump the half wall on my end of the rink and try to run towards him. I feel my mistake as soon as my feet hit the ice, sliding until I'm falling. I land on my right hip and elbow.

He's there in a heartbeat, lifting me into his arms and carrying me to center ice. As painful as it is to hit the ice like I have many times before, being carried around in Rhett's strong muscular arms may be worth it.