Winnie

When Rhett's name lit up my screen I was so giddy and excited to hear his voice. I was still floating on cloud nine thinking about our night together and what the future may hold for us. Very un-me thoughts. I'm in the back of the bakery, I just got the last batch of pastries out of the oven, so I decide to answer.

"Hey, cowboy." Oh gosh. Did my voice sound as eager to him as it did to me?

"Hey, honeybee." He sounds tense, nervous, not at all what I'm expecting from him.

"Is everything okay?" Here it is, what I've been dreading. He's decided it's not worth it.

"Everything is going to be fine, Win." My heartbeat accelerates and there's a slight ringing in my ears.

"What is it?" I hear him take a deep breath.

"I'm at the hospital." Now my hearts stops. I'm 13 all over again and losing someone I love. I can't hold the panic at bay and words start tumbling from my mouth.

"Are you okay? What happened? Is it Mary? Tom?…"

"No, I'm fine, they're fine…but um Colt and I went rafting today and…"

"Colt?! Is he alright? Rhett, is Colt alright??"

"Winnie, baby he's okay. He fell out of the boat trying to help someone and I think he hit his head." My eyes sting and I can feel them fill with tears, I can't breathe.

"Breathe, Winnie. Please, baby. He's alright. They're just gonna do some scans to make sure." I'm breathing roughly now.

"Okay…" I croak.

"Moms on her way to get you now."

"Mary?"

"I figured you would need someone to drive you."

"Thank you. I'll be there soon."

"Alright, I'll wait at the entrance for you. He's gonna be fine."

"Right, okay. Bye." I hang up and walk out front. Anna is singing a song and swaying while sweeping. "Anna."

"Yeah, Winnie?" She keeps sweeping.

"Uh, I have to leave." I'm on the verge of tears and my tone gets her attention.

She spins to look at me.

"Is everything okay? Are you crying? What's wrong?" Concern colors her words and show all over her face.

"I….I think it's okay, but Colt is in the hospital and I have to go check on him. Mary Holloway is on her way now to get me."

"Oh my gosh, of course! I'll be fine on my own today and I'll make sure to lock up tonight. Just go."

"Thanks, Anna. You're my best employee."

"I'm your only employee, but I know." I give her a hug and the key to the front door.

"Thank you again, Anna. I'm…" She shrugs.

"I know. Just text me about tomorrow or if you need anything."

"Okay, I'm just gonna grab my bag and wait out front." She pulls me in for another hug and I barely hold myself together.

"He'll be fine, Winnie." She's trying to be reassuring, but she can't know that. No one can. One minute you're planning your family vacation to the beach and the next you"re sitting in a white fluorescent lit room that smells like antiseptic hearing that you'll never see the people you love most in the world ever again. I don't trust that things will work out. I've worked every day of my life since that day to make them work out. I see a blue truck pull up to the curb with the Holloway Ranch logo and I run to get in. After I get the door shut I can't get the seat belt to loosen and I start yanking over and over until I feel a warm hand on my arm. I turn and Mary takes a deep breath, I mimic her and she reaches over to help me get buckled in.

"We're gonna get through this, Winnie." I appreciate her not saying everything will be fine. She knows sometimes they aren't. I nod and she starts driving. Fifteen minutes later we're parked. I'm jogging up to the emergency entrance door of the hospital when I see Rhett standing outside. That's when I let myself lose it. He walks towards me and takes me in his arms. I hear an awful wet coughing sound and think someone nearby must be choking, but realize it's me when I feel Rhett rubbing reassuring circles over my back and repeating a calming mantra…"Shhhh…it's okay baby, I've got you." I'm full on sobbing now. Embarrassingly so. I know I should feel that. Embarrassed—but I can only feel the panic, the anxiety, and memories of a horrible night keep popping up.

"Is he done with the scans yet?" I choke out between sobs.

"He was just getting ready to get sent to his room when I came back out here."

"Okay, I need to see him." He releases me only so far that he has his arm wrapped around my shoulders and he guides us to Colt's room. When we get to the door I stop abruptly and Rhett tightens his hold on me and lets me stand outside for a second. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst, but a booming laugh startles me. I rush in and start sobbing again. Colt is sitting up in the bed laughing while Mare is looking at his chart and shaking her head at him. Rhett stands at my side, kissing my head as I stare at my brother who I love so much.

"Whoa, whoa…Winnie, it's okay. I'm okay." I move then and with probably too much force, throw half my body over his.

"I w…was ss…so worried, C…Colt." I'm relieved but the adrenaline is making me feel like i"m floating and shaky.

"I'm fine, Win. I stopped repeating things like 30 minutes ago." He smirks. Smirks. "Just had a little spill—no pun intended." He winks. "Well maybe some pun…" I glare at him and finally his face softens and turns serious. "I'm sorry you had to worry, Winnie."

"I…I ccan't lose you." He rubs my arms.

"I never want to scare you like this, but it wasn't a big deal. I don't even think I need to be here."

"You do." Mare and Rhett say at the same time.

"Fine, but I've been checked out and I'm gonna be just fine." I look at Mare and she nods.

"He has a minor concussion, thank God he was wearing that helmet. He'll have to take the next seven days off work and come back in for another scan, but he will be fine, Winnie."

"What the hell happened out there?" Rhett lets out an irritated huff while Colt launches into his big rescue story. I look at Rhett a few times while Colt tells his tale to find him looking at me each time. After he's finished recounting their day on the water, a nurse comes in with discharge paperwork and tells us that someone needs to stay with him tonight to wake him up every two hours.

"Okay, I can do that," I say at the same time that Rhett says "I've got it covered."

"That's okay Rhett, I'll do it."

"You've got to open the bakery in the morning Winnie. I really don't mind and I don't have anything to do tomorrow."

"I should really…"

"I'll text you updates every time I wake him up. It'll be just like you're there." He winks at me then and I relent.

"Okay, but I expect those texts."

"Scouts honor." I'm reminded of the little picture in Tom and Mary's living room of him dressed in a boy scout uniform, he looks adorable when he salutes. A giggle escapes me and it sounds a little manic. I think I'm coming down from my panic and adrenaline induced state. The exhaustion is starting to set in. I hug Mare and thank her for staying with Colt.

"Like I would pass that pain in the ass onto any of my colleagues." We both laugh.

"Hey!" I look at my brother and hug him tight. I know he's okay. He's really going to be okay.

"Call me if you need ANYthing. I mean it. I love you."

"I love you too, sis."

"Mom had to go pick up Hazel for Knox."

"Oh okay, I'll call Uncle Buck to come pick me up." I reach for my phone and he stops me.

"I can run you home and come back for this guy." He points his thumb back at Colt.

"He won't be discharged for another hour, I'll sit with him." Mare offers.

"Aww, I knew you wanted to spend more time with me, Goldie." She throws her pen at him.

"Is that any way to treat your patient?" He sounds genuinely shocked.

"I think he'll be okay." Rhett chuckles.

"I don't know—those two can really go at each other," I say, but I'm walking for the door.

"Love you guys, call me later, Mare!"

"Love you!" They both call, but keep their eyes locked. Rhett put his arm around me again as we walked the hallway. Now that I know my brother is okay, it's starting to sink in that Rhett just saw me have a panic attack and probably thinks I'm a basket case.

"I'm okay now, Rhett. Really." I try to sound more put together than I'm actually feeling.

"I know you are, Winnie. I also know this was hard for you. Harder than it was for anyone else." I tip my face up into the evening air when we make it outside.

The sun is setting, casting neon pink and orange across the Colorado sky. My body is starting to relax and I have no doubt that it's a direct result of Rhett's arm still tucking me close to him. For just a minute I let myself bask in his warmth. The comfort just being with him brings is enough to hold me together right now. He probably thinks I'm going to fall to pieces any second now, but I can't make myself tell him that he can let me go just yet. I soak in his body next to mine and pretend he can hold me close like this forever. I feel like everything has changed in the last hour.

I can't lose anyone. That's the one thought that keeps popping up into my head. I could have lost my brother today and the thought alone, even knowing now that he'll be fine, has me spiraling. I realized after seeing Colt laughing in that hospital bed, that losing Rhett in any way would end me. If you would have asked me last week I may have thought I could keep certain walls in place. If you would have asked me this morning I would have said that I was ready to tear them down completely, but now I know I was flying a little too close to the sun and have been sent back down to earth just for thinking I could hold my own in his orbit.

The lock unclicking lets me know we've made it to the truck. I'm trying to find the courage to do what needs to happen next. He deserves better than this. He deserves everything he wants and it's becoming more clear by the minute that I won't be able to be that for him. I love him. I'll be in love with Rhett Holloway until the day I die. Loving him this much means loving him enough to let him go for good. He opens my door and waits for me to climb in, then proceeds to pull the seatbelt across my chest. The action makes my eyes water, if I let him he would waste all his time on me. He would put everything he has into us and all I would end up doing is breaking us both. Okay, Winnie please please please don't cry in front of him again. I'll have to be strong enough for this next part.

"Hey, it's alright now, honeybee." His crooked grin splits the crack in my heart further, but I try to smile back. It's wobbly at best.

"I know. I don't know why I'm crying again. I'm fine, really." I sniff.

"I know you are, but it's okay if you're not." I nod.

"Thanks, Rhett. I mean it. It's been nice to have someone to lean on." He winks.

"Anytime. I'm always gonna be here for you." I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile. By the look on his face I'm not sure it's all that reassuring. "I mean it. You've got me, Winnie." The serious look on his face and the serious tone in which he has used for delivery threatens my resolve. I must have really scared him earlier. I don't want him feeling like he has to take care of me right now. I clasp my hands in front of me and clear my throat from the lump that's forming.

"I know you'll be there for me, Rhett. That's what family's for." The words feel like swallowing acid. He gives me a puzzled look and goes to say something else, but I stop him. I'm in enough pain without having to listen to him be sweet and caring just to tell him we can't be together anymore.

"We had better get going so you can get back to Colt." he steps back from me and shuts the door. I take a few deep breaths and I only have to make it the 15 minute car ride and then I can really let loose the sobs starting to form in my chest. The drive is mostly quiet besides Rhett asking if I'm hot or cold. If I want the radio on. What station I want. Do I mind if he rolls the window down. Honestly, I just want to jump out, but I squash the impulse knowing that the relief from escaping this situation would only be temporary and then bring me more anxiety and I don't think I can take anymore.

Finally after what feels like hours, I'm stepping onto the sidewalk in front of my house.

"I'll text you later with updates on Colt." he says reassuringly.

"Thank you for—everything, Rhett. You are such an amazing man. I've been so lucky to get this time with you." I can tell that my words confuse him a little, but he still gives me a smile.

"You don't have to thank me, baby. I told you, I'm gonna be here when you need me."

The knife turns slightly when he calls me baby. This is a new development. He called me that earlier on the phone I think, too. I was too upset to notice, but I definitely notice now. It makes me feel all warm and gooey inside like a chocolate lava cake. Not a bad feeling but one that I know I shouldn't be having right now when I'm trying to put some distance between us. He said something and I missed it while I was in my head.

"Sorry, what was that?" He smiles fondly at me, knowing I was in my head and not voicing what's in it.

"I know it feels heavy right now, but we're going to make it through this and I'm going to be here for you through it…" He says and all I can do is stand there. He looks down at his phone and answers. "Yeah, I just dropped her off and I'm heading back. Keep your shirt on, it's fifteen minutes." He taps his screen then looks at me one more time. "I better get back, Colt is getting restless." I nod and wave, still not having found my voice. I push the door closed and turn for the safety of my house, but hear the truck engine go silent.

"Hold on a second," he calls. I freeze as I feel his arms pull me into him.

"I just needed to hold you for a minute. I love you." I'm paralyzed. Caught between melting into him, surrendering to letting him love me through all of my fears and pushing him away to protect both our hearts in the long run.

"I hope you know what you mean to me, Rhett. I love you more than I ever thought myself capable." He pulls away from me and kisses my lips, soft from the crying.

"I know, baby. I love you that much and more." He gets back in his truck, pulls away from the curb and I stand there till I can't see the tail lights anymore—I'm not sure if it's the distance or the unshed tears that finally cuts them from view. I turn over our interaction in my brain again, something I can't seem to ever turn off. It really sucks that he has to be so great. Getting over him would just be so much easier if he was a jerk.

I sigh and turn to go inside. I'm really looking forward to showering off this day, changing into my pajamas and melting into my bed. As I clear the top of my concrete steps I look over and see the big Queen Anne. He'll be there soon and that means I really will have to leave. I won't subject either of us to any more hurt than I'm going to cause.