26. Derek

So this is what hell is like. A parallel universe where everything looks the same and the thing you want more than anything is right in front of you, but you can't have it.

On Monday, I was stoic and sure of myself. What happened in Hawaii stays in Hawaii. I repeated it to myself like a mantra. There's absolutely no way I'm going to harass one of my employees in the workplace. No way at all. It's asking for a lawsuit. No, it's begging for a lawsuit. It's out of the question.

On Tuesday, Wyn came into the office wearing a pair of snug navy-blue work pants that he'd rolled up at the ankle and a pair of gleaming white, red, and green sneakers with interlocking Gs splashed all over them, and I found myself feeling distinctly less stoic. He looked so adorable, preppy, and professional that I had to keep the gallery window frosted all day to stop myself from begging him to let me blow him again.

Work was no better today.

I'm home and in bed now but I can't sleep a wink. I toss and turn and think ridiculous things about pastel roses and gas caused by cabbage. I think about them until they start making sense. I switch to humming songs commonly played by ice cream trucks after a while, and that leads me to what Wyn said about kids.

Me wanting more kids?

Surely not. That ship has sailed. Yes, I wanted more desperately, but Barbara Anne hemorrhaged after giving birth to Miller, and there was no way we could do that again. Understandably, she didn't want to, and I didn't want to put her at risk.

In the blue-black of night, I imagine myself as a father again. I imagine doing things differently. Being different. I imagine taking time, making time, and being there for a child in a way I wasn't for Miller.

I imagine doing all these things with a partner whose hand fits perfectly in mine.

After a few hours, I get up, drink a glass of water, get back in bed, and repeat the entire process.

At dawn, I fight my way through a thick fog of exhaustion and get ready for what I have no doubt will be another hellish day at the office.