18. Willow

EIGHTEEN

Willow

I knew I slept, because it was daylight when I next opened my eyes. I knew Caleb hadn’t slept, because I felt exhausted just by looking at him. For someone with my illness, I knew what exhaustion looked like.

“You didn’t sleep.”

His attention had been on the door, but I saw the small curve of his lips as I’d spoken. “You slept, and that’s all that matters.” He turned to look at me, and I tried not to grin like an idiot.

He had no idea how good it was to see him. Aside from all the other stuff between us, seeing him well and here made me happy.

Really happy.

“How can you protect me if you’re too exhausted to fight?” I teased him, pushing myself up in my bed and fighting the urge to check my hair. “Shouldn’t you be saving up your energy in case you need to go all Caleb on them? ”

“Caleb on them?” His eyebrow quirked as he watched me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I knew he wasn’t pissed off. His tone had a teasing lilt to it, and I laughed as I looked away. “You know, all…” I looked back at him, curling my fingers into claws in front of me. “ Grrr .” I fake growled.

Caleb’s eyes widened with mirth. “What the actual hell is that supposed to be?” He imitated my pose. “ Grr ?” His hands dropped. “Is that me?”

I shrugged, my cheeks flaming. “Maybe with less grrr and more Grrraw .”

“Please stop,” he deadpanned.

“You know, I feel like I should.” Biting my lip, I tried to keep the laughter contained.

We shared a look of amusement. Caleb checked me over and his levity faded. “Your bruises look worse in daylight.”

“Definitely feel worse,” I admitted, shooting him a look. “Of course, if I had painkillers, I may feel better.”

“Masks the way the body feels,” he told me smoothly. “You’re not an advocate of masking pain. I’ve been in your bathroom cabinet,” he reminded me with a twinkle in his eye that shouldn’t make him look delectable when he was reminding me of an unforgivable act of breaking into my house.

Asshat .

“You know that isn’t even remotely comparable, don’t you?”

“Do I?” He cocked his head, and I hated how quickly we went from being playful to me wanting to slap him.

“You can shift into a wolf, and all your aches and pains disappear,” I retorted sharply. “Don’t even begin to think you have any experience of physical pain. ”

His eyes were somber as he watched me. “Oh, I’ve felt pain, the kind that you can’t hide from, trust me.”

I immediately felt guilty as I remembered all the drawings I had done. “Your family?”

Caleb turned his attention back to the door, breaking eye contact. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The reprimand was probably warranted, but also screw that. “I know you don’t like talking about it,” I told him, trying to be firm. “But I’ve seen more than you know?—”

“You know nothing.” His jaw clenched as he turned his head away. His voice was low and edged with frustration when he next spoke. “You know nothing about my past, Willow. You think you do, but trust me, you don’t.”

“I—”

“You’ve seen what? Pieces? Fragments?” He turned back to look at me, anger brimming in his eyes. “You haven’t seen the whole story.”

I felt my own anger building, and I refused to back down. “I’ve seen it, Caleb.” I heard the unevenness of my voice and hoped he didn’t notice. “I’ve seen the pain, the loss, the blood. All of it. I’ve seen the way it haunts you. You may not want to admit it, but don’t tell me I don’t know.”

Caleb was on his feet, his glare fierce, his hands curled into fists at his sides. “You’ve seen what? A few visions of dead wolves? A couple of nightmares of slaughter? That’s nothing compared to the reality of it.” His voice shook with temper. I watched as he took a step back, running a hand over his forehead. “You see a reflection of a memory,” he told me bitterly. “You didn’t live it. You didn’t feel it.”

“Didn’t I?” I challenged him, wrapping my arms around myself, suddenly cold in the tension-filled room. “I feel you. I felt you each and every time I drew it. I’ve seen the weight you carry every single day. I don’t need to have been there and seen it as it happened. I see it in you. I see the darkness inside you, and I see how badly you’re losing in the fight against it.”

His sharp exhale and look of disbelief made me inwardly curse. I hadn’t meant to say that much, reveal that much. We’d only just gotten back to being civil to each other.

Caleb looked down at his boots, and for the first time, I realized that none of the clothes he was wearing fit him properly. Were they even his?

“You don’t know me.” His voice sounded rough, and for the first time, I heard the raw emotion of his past. “You don’t understand, you can’t. You don’t know what it’s like to have this in your past.”

“Help me understand,” I whispered pleadingly. “You’re not alone, Caleb. Don’t shut me out. I’ve seen it, and maybe I don’t understand it, and maybe I will never feel it like you do, I know that. But if you let me in, I can understand it with you.”

For a long moment, he stared at me, those dark eyes unreadable. The silence stretched, and I began to hope that he heard me, that maybe the wall he surrounded himself with was slowly coming down.

Caleb broke the silence, and any hope that I had was shattered. “I can’t. I won’t.” His look was almost tender. “It’s better this way, trust me.”

I was already shaking my head in annoyance. “No. You’re wrong.”

He blew out a frustrated breath and walked to the door. “I’m going for a coffee, want one?”

“Caleb?”

He glanced back at me. “Drop it. We won’t ever agree on this.”

“It’s not that simple. It’s not your choice to make.”

“Make it that simple.” He stepped out of the room, and I hated that he knew I couldn’t follow him.

Slumping against my pillow, I eyed the door with so much animosity that when the nurse walked in to check on me, she stopped and looked over her shoulder.

“You good?” she asked hesitantly. She was a different nurse from the one I had last night.

“Yeah.” I immediately changed my answer. “Actually, I hurt. A lot. I know my…husband…said I was anti-meds, but is there any chance I can get some painkillers? Please?”

Picking up my chart, she scanned it and nodded. “No problem. You have pain meds on the chart signed off by the doctor. I’ll check your blood pressure and temperature first, then go get them. Okay?”

“Sounds perfect.”

When she left, I was alone and ready to cry with frustration. Caleb hadn’t come back, and I just knew the asshole was sitting outside in the hall rather than coming back into the room.

When the nurse came back with a little cup, I didn’t care what people thought of us, and I asked the question. “He’s out there, isn’t he?” I didn’t make eye contact, but when she was silent for so long, I looked up.

Her look was full of sympathy and understanding. “It can be a huge shock for our loved ones to see us wounded and in pain,” she told me compassionately. “Give him a moment to adjust. It’s not easy for either of you.”

I said nothing, merely nodded and suffered the consoling pat on the shoulder as I swallowed the pills. I didn’t ask what they were, and she didn’t tell me.

When I woke up, I knew without opening my eyes that Caleb was gone.

Looking up from my chocolate pudding, I made eye contact with Ned, who was also finishing his own cup. He winked at me as he licked his spoon.

“Honestly, if they told us that we would get this if we were sick, more of us would line up at Doc’s testing room.”

I giggled despite the fact I was sure he was deadly serious. “It’s not even good pudding,” I told him and enjoyed his look of dismay that there was better out there and he didn’t have it.

Ned had been in the room since Caleb left. I’d jumped to the conclusion that he had left because of our talk and that he had been a chicken shit again. Instead, it seemed their pack authority had called for him and he had no choice but to go. I’d taken the painkillers and been in a happy no-pain sleep, and he didn’t want to wake me to explain.

So, there was the fact that I felt guilty for thinking the worst, and there was the further complication that I confessed what I thought to Ned in a moment of weakness, and he had told Cannon, who I was sure would tell Caleb.

Awkward .

So now I wasn’t sure if Caleb hadn’t come back because of me…or yeah…because of me.

“I’ll miss these,” Ned told me, dropping his cup into the trash.

“I won’t,” I said emphatically, making him laugh. Looking down at the jeans and sweater I was wearing, I couldn’t stop the smile. “I am so looking forward to leaving this room and going home.”

I’d been in the hospital for four days. Despite being very lucky and not breaking anything or rupturing anything, I’d suffered a head injury. Although I was concussion-free, I had stitches in my head I hadn’t even known about, and they kept me in for observation. Then I caught an infection and that added a couple of days onto my stay.

But today, today , I got to leave.

My brother-in-law , Ned, hadn’t left. I was sure at first that I was the subject of many a nurse’s speculation over the water fountain, but that was quashed once they’d been in my hospital room. Ned and I had reached an amicable, almost friendly, relationship, but a secret affair with my husband’s “brother” was definitely not in the cards.

“Not home,” he reminded me smoothly, the way he had every time I mentioned leaving.

“Yes, yes, I know,” I grumbled. “I get to go to the underground test center again.”

“I told you they moved you into a bigger room.”

Because that’s what I needed, a bigger windowless room to relax in.

“Has he been yet?”

My casual indifference was shot down when Ned hooted with laughter. “You’re not subtle,” he teased, standing and stretching. He shrugged. “I haven’t checked in today, but I don’t think so.”

I said nothing. My whole agitation at the man that was Caleb Foster would wait until he was in front of me.

Because while he had been told to go, and he had left, he had, of course, being Caleb, not turned up.

Cannon was pissed, and I couldn’t decide whether Caleb was truly brave or truly reckless, because that alpha was not one I would piss off.

“Have they checked the mountain?” I asked curiously.

Ned lost his humor. “Shadowridge Peak is a difficult mountain at the best of times.”

“But it’s not unreachable.”

“Difficult.”

That was as much as he had told me. Caleb had been summoned, left to go, and then not arrived. They’d checked the mountain, but Caleb was not on it. Or if he was, they couldn’t find him.

My questions of Where was he? Where else would he go? Is he okay? went unanswered no matter how many times I asked them.

“Is it a mountain I can climb?”

Ned cut his burst of laughter short by slapping his hand over his mouth. Clearing his throat loudly, he added insult to injury when he turned away to regain his composure.

“Jesus. Really, Ned?” I muttered, heat flooding my cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he said, clearing the gruffness from his throat. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

This was what’s wrong with shifters. They’re all big, tall, muscular, ripped abs, and all attractive and pretty. I hadn’t met any of the women, but I was sure they were all drop-dead gorgeous. Luna blessed them with good looks as well as their other gifts because that’s what was fair. Slow to age. Able to heal. Super strength and speed. And being freaking models to boot.

And, in my opinion, all of that made them egotistical asshats.

“I can hike.”

“Can you?” Ned looked me over, and I wished that punching him wouldn’t hurt my hand, because we both knew it was the only thing that would hurt if I tried.

And my pride.

Nah. My pride plummeted into oblivion a long time ago.

Ned’s phone rang before he could say anything to make it worse, and he turned away to answer it. “Yeah?”

I could hear a voice, but it was too low to make out who.

“Just waiting for the okay to go. She needs a doctor to sign her out or something.”

“Discharged,” I mumbled. “It’s called discharged.”

“And insurance paperwork,” he reminded me, looking over his shoulder.

“I did it when you were raiding the lunch carts for chocolate pudding.”

He grinned at me. “Good times.” He listened to who was on the phone. “I thought Royce was coming?” he asked. “Doc’s good. He has a good relationship with her.”

“I can hear you.” He flashed me a thumbs-up.

Lord, give me strength .

Turning away to check that I had everything, I tried not to listen to him in case my water pitcher pitched itself off his head. I’d come in with nothing. But after a few days in the hospital, with a shifter for a companion who listened to requests, I had some toiletries, a few magazines, and the all-important blank sheet sketchbook. He’d also turned up with clothes. I decided I didn’t want to know where they came from. They weren’t mine, and that was all I needed to know.

“Willow?” I turned to Ned, who was facing me now. “Alpha wants to know what you drew today.”

“Two portraits of Caleb, and the death scene.” It was my nickname for the scene outside that cabin with the dead and dying pack of Caleb’s family.

“Get that?” Ned asked Cannon. “Yeah, same old, same old.” He ignored my flat look and put his hand over the receiver. “Wants to know if you’ve seen anything and not drawn it.”

“No.”

“She says no,” he said, and I saw his eyes narrow as he listened to his alpha. “I don’t know.” He stilled, and I saw him look at me with what could only be described as guilt. “Yes. If I had to bet on it, then yes, I think she’s lying.”

My gasp of outrage fell on deaf ears. It didn’t matter he was spot on, that wasn’t the point.

“Yup, see you soon.” Ned hung up. He held his hands up automatically in supplication. “You can’t ask me to lie to him; he’s my alpha.”

“I wasn’t lying!”

His look was one that clearly said don’t bullshit me . “Your heart rate speeds up when you lie. You get sweaty palms, you shuffle your feet, and you push your hair behind your ear.” He let out an exaggerated sigh. “Your body language is easy to read.”

Right, because he was a shifter with heightened senses. “Shut up.”

He grinned at me again, and both of us turned when the nurse came in with my discharge papers. Ned was keen to leave, and on this, we agreed.

I had to go out in a wheelchair, which made no sense, but it was hospital policy, another thing that amused Ned. But it was hard not to giggle as he ran down the hospital corridors, pushing me at almost dangerous speeds, ignoring all shouts of protest and warning.

He scooped me up out of the seat at the door and carried me bridal style outside. As we burst through the doors, my laughter faded when I saw him waiting for me, and hope surged within me as Ned lowered me to the ground.

“Caleb?”

Caleb looked at how close Ned stood to me, his face unreadable, but when he stepped forward, his hand closing over my arm, he tugged me gently towards him. His hand rested on my lower back.

“Thanks, I’ve got her from here.”