11. Kezia

It feltlike I was encased in mud.

No. Mud wasn’t right, it was heavier than mud. The feeling clung to my skin, weighing me down.

Everything was muffled.

Sensation lost.

Touch forgotten.

Again and again, I pushed to reach the surface of whatever it was that was forcing me down, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t climb any higher.

I needed to breathe.

Where was the air?

What was suffocating me?

Struggling to know what was happening, fighting to escape this feeling of helplessness, I blacked out.

Where am I?

Opening my eyes, I saw only blackness.

Maybe your eyes are still shut?

I tried to look again. It was the same blackness. Placing my fingers on my eyelids, I checked to see if my eyes were shut.

I felt nothing.

I felt everything.

What the actual fuck is happening?

I was flying.

I can fly?

No, you idiot, you can’t fly. Great, now I was answering my own questions. And now you’re just talking to yourself.

I waited. Quietly. No voices.

Not even mine.

It definitely felt like I was flying.

Soaring.

Weightless.

Wait…not flying. Floating?

Where the heck am I?

I was drifting.

So I was still going with the floaty theme, great.

Turning around?—

I turned? Did I turn?

I stopped drifting. I could stop drifting?

I’m treading water? No, that couldn’t be right. I wasn’t wet.

I checked my clothes to see if I was wet. There was nothing to check.

Holy shit, I have no body! Who took my body? Is this a dream? Where’s my body?

And then I remembered.

I blacked out.

It was still black.

Used to the feeling of depersonalization, I turned in a circle to look around.

Do you even have eyes?

The idea of me being just a pair of eyes freaked me out, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

How can you squeeze your eyes shut if you are only eyes?

Kris was right. I was really annoying with all the questions I asked.

Kris.

My brother. An alpha.

Cannon…

My alpha.

Panic welled within me.

Where was my alpha?

When my consciousnessreturned this time, I didn’t waste time worrying about whether I was real or not. I was already turning, searching, desperate for a way out.

Spinning fruitlessly in a black hole abruptly stopped when I saw, in the distance, the faintest of lights.

Lights.

I needed to get there.

How the hell do you move when you have no body and no limbs?

Think, Kezia.

THINK.

I may have no actual body, but I can still feel my body, and if I can feel it and I can still think, then I can still walk.

Right?

I could already hear Kris tearing through my logic, but like I usually did when my brother was critiquing me about my whimsical thoughts, I ignored him.

I willed myself to put one foot in front of the other.

I moved.

If floating around in a disassociated thought was moving, then I moved.

I moved again.

Holy Goddess, I’m walking.

Swallowing, I moved faster. If I could walk…then I could run.

It seemed to be very sudden that the light grew brighter. I ran towards it, ignoring every sarcastic thought in my head saying not to run towards the light, and as I got even closer, I slowed down.

Squinting against the sudden brightness, I crept forward and promptly fell over.

I was me.

I wasn’t me.

I mean I was me, but I also wasn’t.

Holy shit, these are my eyeballs. I’m looking out through my eyeballs, but I’m not seeing with my eyes in my body. I’m seeing with my eyes. The floating ones.

Wait.

What?

I needed to calm down.

Where am I?

I’m inside my body. Obviously.

But I wasn’t in control of my body.

Moonstar was.

Moonstar.

I gave her control.

I gave up.

I never give up. Why would I do that?

The alpha.

Where was my alpha?

I was backin the darkness.

This is getting old.

There were no pinpricks of light this time. I was back to floating.

Ugh, enough with the floating!

I channeled my thoughts to my feet. Ah-ha! I could walk again. Fuck you, floating!

Time to explore.

I found nothing. Are you sleeping?

It made sense. I could be asleep. Moonstar could be asleep.

Is this how she felt inside me?

I giggled.

You’re a child, Kezia, Cannon is already rolling his eyes at you.

Cannon…

I want my mate.

Bitch.

He better be alive, or I will skin you alive from the inside out.

We were running.

I was already in front of my eyes—behind my eyes?—when I became aware again.

I was my wolf.

Thank you, Luna.

I could feel more. I could do more.

I was more.

Stop running.

The command did nothing.

Focus, Kezia.

Stop.

I felt the hesitation in my being.

Oh Goddess, you can hear me.

Stop running.

The wolf slowed down. I slowed down.

Look around. Show me where we are.

My wolf shook her head, snow falling off her muzzle.

It’s winter?

The landscape came into view. A scattering of trees. Dark gray mountain. Barren land.

I’m on the Peak.

Turn around, look down, show me how high we are.

Holy hell, that was a long way down.

A force hit me, knocking me away from the sight.

Sleep, child.

I was wrappedin something soft and warm. I was so comfy. I could stay here forever, and nothing would bother me.

I was so tired.

I was happy to snuggle down and sleep.

You BITCH.

Let me out, you crazy demon.

Let.

Me.

OUT.

My wolf was moving.

Running.

I could taste the scent of autumn in the air as I chased the wind.

No, not the wind.

Hare.

I loved to hunt.

When I wasaware once more, I was already using my wolf’s eyes to look around. Thicker trees, sturdier, I was lower down the mountain.

My head jerked as I scented people nearby.

Shifters.

Anxiously I watched my wolf edge closer to the settlement.

Friend or foe?

My wolf’s head snapped to the side as a familiar scent caught its nose.

Alpha.

The hunger was ravenous.

The need ruling my body.

My skin itched with want.

Lust burned through me.

Scorching me with its heat.

Alpha.

Cold air nippedat my bones.

Shivering, I moved my hair out of my face.

I froze when I saw my hand.

I had a hand.

I had hair.

I could see.

“Fuck.” My eyes widened and I waited a moment before I realized it had been me that I heard. “I can swear! I can speak!”

My arms were weak, but I managed to push myself off the ground and scrambled to my feet.

“Where am I?”

I was naked and disoriented. Turning and turning in a circle, I tried to get my bearings. Hearing noise from what I hoped was a town, I forgot stealth as I stumbled toward the noise.

“Stop! Don’t come any further. We’ll shoot first and ask questions later.”

I froze mid-step.

Familiarity brushed against me. I knew that voice.

Slowly I walked forward.

Two women stared at me in varying shades of shock. One older and wirier, the other redder in the cheeks and younger, but long past her youth.

“Angels save us, I’m seeing spirits.”

“Lottie?” I looked at the other woman. “Maggie?”

“Zia?” Lottie moved towards me, shotgun still pointed at me. “If you’re a spirit, I swear on the good book, I’ll haunt your naked ass.”

“I’m me.”

I was me. I was back. Holy Goddess, I was in my body…and it was fucking cold.

“Can I get a coat? It’s freezing.”