37. Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Sage

I move my food around with my fork, but after another bite, I can't stomach it anymore. I hate that this is so hard for me. The last few weeks haven't just magically been easy, but I've been eating a bit more. One full meal a day, sometimes two on good days… this is my first meal today besides the coffee and croissant I had with Vincent, but after he reminded me that my fitting was tomorrow… I lost my appetite.

I press my palms to my eyes. "It's going to be okay." I try to convince myself to take another bite, but when I look at my plate, I feel sick. I rise from the bed and walk over to the window. I stare down at the city, and listening to the rain for a few minutes seems to calm me.

I try to think happy thoughts, and only one thing comes to mind, so I grab my phone. I check the time, and it's seven AM in LA, but I know both boys need to meet with their coach about their suspension, so I call anyway. The group FaceTime call rings, and August answers first.

"Sage! What's up?"

"Hey, ugly twin." His smile slightly drops, and I burst into a laugh.

"Fuck you."

Sire joins the call just as he voices his words, and when I act like his words hurt me, Sire glares at my twin. "Don't talk to her like that."

August lets out an exaggerated sigh before flopping onto his couch. "She started it!"

"I don't care."

I let out a laugh, and when Sire turns more serious, my smile slowly fades. "So you and Walker aren't getting back together, right?"

An awkward silence fills the air as I take a minute to respond. August told me that he broke the news to Sire while I was on the plane ride over here, and I've tried texting and calling Sire, but he hasn't been answering until now.

"I don't know yet…"

"What is there for you to know?" He snaps. "He lied to you and has been messing with us for years. Why would you even want to date him?"

His question is clearly rhetorical, so I don't answer him.

"Whatever." He hangs up before I can respond, and I sink into my bed.

"He hates me." I bury my face in my pillow.

"He doesn't hate you. He's just upset, but he'll get over it if you really do love Walker, which I still can't grasp since that man has zero redeeming qualities besides his awesome bikes."

I do love him. I'm just too scared to admit it out loud.

I let out a frustrated breath, but when I sit up, my eyes land on my plate, and I just want this whole year to be over already.

"What are you thinking about, Sagey?"

I smile at August's name for me, and he only ever calls me that when he knows I'm sad.

"How mad was Sire when you told him about me and Liam?"

When August scratched his neck, I knew it was bad. "Well, um… we went by your house to water your plant since you had forgotten, and Walker was outside your door for some reason and… well, Sire kind of beat him up."

I feel my heart sink as my face drops. "Please tell me you're joking."

August shakes his head, and I let my head fall.

"If it makes you feel any better, Liam didn't fight back."

"That makes me feel worse, August." Feeling a headache forming, I rub my temples. " Why would he even do that?"

"He's convinced Walker only slept with you to piss us off." August shrugs like he also believes that. "Don't get me wrong, you're an amazing person, Sage, and you're beautiful; I mean, duh, you're my twin."

We both let out a soft laugh before he continues.

"Any man would be lucky to be with you, and we don't think there was no other reason he got with you, but he's an asshole, and until proven otherwise, I'm convinced it was all out of spite."

I don't say anything in response, and when my eyes land on my plate again, I change the topic. "Can you please tell Sire to join the call again? I called you guys because I wanted company while I ate."

August nods in understanding before he texts our brother, and a minute later, he joins the call again, but he still doesn't look happy, and I feel my face fall again.

"Okay," August starts. "Lose the attitude, Sire, because you're making my sister feel bad. Don't make me drive to your house this early in the morning. She didn't know Walker was a dickhead, and we can't help who we fall for. So put on the best performance of your life and act supportive because her happiness comes before all else."

Sire doesn't look pleased, but August sends him a knowing look, and surprisingly, he doesn't fight him on it. "What are you eating, Sage?" Sire voices sincerely, and I flip the camera to show them my plate.

August hums in return, and I watch as he rises from his seat. "I'm hungry." He walks into his kitchen, and I chew my lip as I turn the camera back to me and lean my phone in front of me.

"Yeah, so am I. Vidia made those Red Lobster biscuits again last night–" Sire looks around for something. "She messed them up again, but I told her they were better and ate one. I actually think I might get food poisoning."

I stifle a laugh at how quiet he's being as he walks into his kitchen to serve breakfast. Vidia is a good cook, but she apparently can't get these biscuits right. I know they are Sire's favorite, though, so I'm sure she's going to keep trying.

My brothers casually get me to talk about my day as they serve their breakfast. I move my dinner around with my fork as they sit to eat.

"So you like it so far?" August asks before biting into his food.

"Yeah, I love it. Everyone is so friendly, especially at work." I keep my eyes on my plate but look back up at my phone when they don't respond. They're both watching me carefully, and I try to smile, but it looks like I feel worse than I do.

"Talk to us, Sage." Sire urges, and I let out a long sigh. I try to form the words but can't get anything out. A second later, it looks like Sire's typing on his phone, and after a minute of August telling me I'm going to be okay, Lisette's pretty face pops in, and she looks half asleep.

"What's up, bitches?" Her groggy voice sounds through the phone as she rubs her eyes.

"Lissy bear!" I smile over at her, and she rolls her eyes, but she has a small smile on her face as she complains about my nickname. I know she secretly likes it.

"Are you having a hard time, Sage?" Lis asks so straightforwardly, but I shouldn't have expected her to be soft about this like my brothers are. She watches me the way she watches Sire when they talk about his addiction, and it reassures me that she'll be able to help.

"Yeah…"

"What are you thinking when you look at your plate?"

I glance back over at all of the food, and I feel like every grain of rice and piece of fish is screaming at me. "It's just too much. I saw how many calories this was on the menu and–"

"Okay, we're doing this one step at a time. Okay?"

I let out a sigh and give my sister a nod. She tells me to get a second plate, so I do.

"On the second plate, you're going to serve a small amount. It doesn't have to be a lot, just however much doesn't scare you."

I nod to myself as I start serving the plate, but I feel my eyes stinging.

"You're doing good, Sage, just–"

"Why are you crying?" Lis cuts off August, and her words aren't harsh, only like she genuinely wants to know, so I swallow the lump in my throat as I answer her.

"I don't know, I just—I don't want this to be so hard, but it is. "

I watch my siblings, and Sire nods. The look he gives me makes me feel like he knows exactly how I feel. "It's going to be hard for a while, but I promise you, Sage, it's going to feel so much better and more rewarding on the days that don't feel as hard."

I nod in return and blink away my tears as I finish serving the small portion that I feel more comfortable with.

"However much you served is great, Sage," August reassures me. "It doesn't matter how much or how little it is."

I pull in a deep breath and Lis walks me through my first bite. She tells me not to think about how much food is on the other plate or how many calories are in the small portion I serve. My goal for now is to just finish this part, and I do.

"Good job!" August beams.

"I'm so proud of you, Sage." Sire goes on, and I smile at the phone as I wipe my tears.

"This feels so stupid." I let out a broken laugh before wiping another tear. "I'm an adult. I should be able to–"

"Don't do that," Lis warns. "I'm an adult. Is it stupid that I want to actually die at every minor inconvenience?"

I don't answer.

"Because that's not an exaggeration. On my bad days, my depression actually makes me want to die when I finally gain the energy to get out of bed after two days, then I serve myself a bowl of fucking cereal, and when I go get milk, I realize I have none."

Sire laughs quietly, and when she calls him an asshole, I smile at their bond, but August and I watch her with soft, identical eyes.

"How are you doing?" August voices.

"This isn't about me." Lis quickly tries to brush him off, and when Sire chimes in, she literally ignores him. "Come on, Sage, let's try again. Serve yourself another small amount, and don't look at how much is left on the other plate."

I do and finish another small portion, but as I keep serving myself more, it only gets harder.

"I don't want anymore." I shake my head as I watch the next portion, my stomach turning.

"Okay, that's fine—" August is cut off as Lis chimes in with her tough love.

"Why not? You just said after the last bite that you weren't full."

"I am now."

"You're not. What changed?" She pushes, and I feel my throat tightening.

"Lis, she did great. Leave her–"

"Sire, you texted me to join the call and help. I'm helping. Shut up or leave."

He surprisingly doesn't say anything, and I bury my face in my hands, knowing neither of the boys are going to help me out of this. Lis asks me again what's wrong but I don't answer as I cry silently. They wait, and it feels like forever, but they sit in silence as I get myself together and blurt out what's been on my mind.

"They're taking my measurements tomorrow! I can't eat all of this food. If my measurements are bigger than my last fitting, I'm going to die. "

"Do not say that, Sage."

My stomach turns at the worry in August's voice.

"Sage."

I keep my face buried as August calls me.

" Sage ." Sire tries to get my attention now, and I let out a shaky breath before looking back at my phone.

"I promise you," Sire starts. "Eating that plate won't change a single thing."

I start shaking my head, but August continues for him.

"It won't, Sage. You won't gain a singular pound if you finish that plate. I promise."

I keep my eyes on my plate but look back up when August calls me again.

"Trust me." He nods encouragingly, and I pick my head up and take another bite. I squeeze my eyes shut as I force it down, but as I bring another spoonful to my mouth, I quickly turn my face away before dropping the spoon.

"Okay." Lis nods with a small smile. "You're done. Good job."

I cover my food before taking a few gulps of my juice, washing away the sour taste in my mouth. The boys voice their encouraging words, and I smile through the phone before thanking them and wishing them a good day because while I'd love to keep talking to them, I feel drained.

August and Lis leave first, but from the look on Sire's face, I know he wants to say something.

"I'm sorry for before," he starts gently. "I just can't stand Walker, and I hate the thought of him even looking at you, but August is right; we can't help who we fall for, and you're an adult. You're also very smart, and you know your worth. If you really do love him, it won't be the end of my world, but I'm telling you now, I'm never going to be his friend." He adds that last part more harshly. His eyes bore into mine and I can see the finality in them.

I nod in understanding, reminding myself not to push my luck. They've hated each other for nearly ten years; that isn't going to go away overnight.

"I love you, Sage."

"I love you more."

We end the call, and his words reassure me that he isn't going to hate me for whatever I decide to do with Liam.

I get up from my seat but freeze at the note of paper on the floor. I know it's not mine, so I grab a shirt to pick it up in case this is some sort of trap and the paper is laced with something. I know that sounds ridiculous, but my dad has scared me into being extra precious ever since I started traveling alone.

When I flip the page over and see the name Dory written on it, my worries fade.

I'm not sure if this counts as speaking to you but I couldn't be so close and not say anything. I booked the room across from you and I'm staying with you for the rest of the month. We don't have to speak, but if you need me, knock on my door anytime, beloved. I know you miss the cats, and I didn't want you to be alone, so Moon lands with them tomorrow, and they're also staying for the month.

I love you. Have a good night, my perfect girl.

I glance over at the door, and when I see a shadow of feet from the bottom, my heart aches at how close he is. I walk over to the door quietly, and as I look through the peephole, there he is, soaking wet from the rain and holding his helmet. I think he's listening out for me, and I bite back a smile at how ridiculous we both probably look.

"Thank you," I voice, and his head snaps up so fast, I'm sure he just gave himself whiplash.

A smile spreads across his face as he kisses his fingers and presses them to the peephole before disappearing into his room.

Somehow, one letter made my whole night better.