Chapter Fourteen

My anxiety has been at an all-time high. We don’t keep secrets from each other or at least we never used to. I have yet to tell the guys that I lost my virginity to JD. I know that they'll make a huge deal out of it and I wanted it to be something special and between JD and I for a little while. They’re all so much more experienced than I am in that department. What if once she has sex with them, she realises just how bad I am at it.

I’ve been working on talking to her more, her whole face lights up like I’m the centre of her universe when she hears my voice. That makes me want to talk to her for hours but then the guilt kicks in. I’ve barely spoken two words to my family since they adopted me, the immense pressure I have is weighing me down to open up to them and the more it arises, the more I don’t want to talk to them. The pressure of it all makes me clam up. I don’t understand why it’s easy to talk to the guys or even JD. I don’t feel that pressure from them, I never have. I know my parents and my sister love me but so much time has passed it’s better to not speak. Or at least that’s what my brain tells me every time I try.

We’re all watching a movie in JD’s old room while Mumma B cooks dinner. She kicked us out of the kitchen an hour ago because Rocky is full of beans today; he must not have taken his meds. I know he went back on them but he must have forgotten today. Levi put on a movie about kickboxing, knowing Rocky would get up and mimic the fight scenes and hopefully wear out some of his energy.

“Are you okay?” Mercer turns and asks me out of the blue. “You’ve been picking at your nails for the entire movie so far.”

Ro 0ry pauses the movie and Rocky jumps onto the couch next to me, tucking his legs up underneath himself.

“I need to tell you all something,” I whisper. I don’t mean to go quiet but deep down inside I’m still that frightened little boy who was so severely abused, he almost died.

Levi comes and squats down in front of me and takes my hands. To outsiders this move would be considered weird but not to him. He knows when I'm about to spiral and he knows how to micromanage my meltdowns.

“I lost my virginity,” I say super-fast just to get it out here, bracing myself for their reactions.

Rocky jumps up off the couch like my words just offended him, his eyes wide and his mouth hangs open. “I thought you loved JD.”

“Rocky,” Levi chastises.

“What, I'm just saying what we’re all thinking,” Rocky whines, but I can’t be upset at him, he’s being reasonable, thinking about JD and not worrying about my feelings.

“It was with JD,” I say with a smile remembering how weirdly nice it felt to touch her.

“What? When?” Mercer asks me, no hint of jealousy or anger lacing his tone, which to be honest is pretty surprising.

“She was here to see Lissa and she came to see me and it just happened.”

“Are you okay?” Levi asks, his hands still gripping mine.

“Guys, I’m fine. I just needed some time to process it. I was surprised by my actions and if I’m being honest I was afraid to tell you.”

“What happened that surprised you the most?” Mercer questions me with a raised brow.

I feel my face heat. I can’t believe I’m going to tell them this. “I… I was gentle with her. I didn’t think I could after what happened the first time, but I was.”

“Why would you be afraid to tell us?” Rory asks next. I know he struggles with our issues the most and doesn’t feel worthy because he didn’t face what we all had to. He didn’t encounter abuse or neglect or even his parents dying.

“It’s stupid,” I say closing my eyes, feeling myself shutting down. I take a deep breath.

Levi let’s go of my hands and lifts my chin so I’m looking at him. “Your feelings are not stupid, we all love you and you can tell us anything.”

I take another deep breath in. “I was worried that once you knew and you could all be with her in that way that she would realise how bad I am at it.”

Rocky laughs and it hurts my heart that he is so blatant to my pain.

“Dude, first times are never good. I blew my load as it went in, seriously and JD isn’t just going to jump into bed with us just because you two had sex.”

“He’s right you know,” her voice is music to my ears. We all turn and JD is standing at the door. “But one thing you have over Rocky is you were perfect. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I’m glad it was with you.” She smiles as tears glisten in her eyes.

I smile at her words, she doesn’t tell me things just for the sake of making me feel better and I love that about her. Rocky takes off towards her and wraps his arms around her, picking her up from the ground and spins her around. He doesn’t let her go, he walks back towards us with her still in a massive bear hug before sitting down and pulling her into his lap.

“What are you doing here?” Levi asks. “I thought you couldn’t come near us, not where people know about it anyway.”

“I spoke with my father and told him I wanted the charges dropped and the restraining orders. It took him a little while but a few hours ago he told me it was done and I came straight here.”

“Are you serious?” Rory asks and she nods with a beaming smile on her face. Rory very rarely gets emotional but I can see his eyes glass over. JD stands from Rocky's lap and goes to Rory.

“I explained everything to him and he agreed that he overreacted. He was just worried about me and wanted me to be safe. And I believe him. I don’t think he has anything to do with what happened to me. I just wish my memories would come back so I could be done with it.”

“Does that mean you can come back?” Rocky asks with a hint of excitement in his voice.

“No, somehow this is all connected to my brother and him being missing. From what I know about him, he was the closest to me so I owe it to him to stay and work it out but it does mean that we can visit each other and not have to keep it a secret anymore.”

“We understand,” Mercer adds, nodding his head.

“When we first met, I didn’t want to know about my past but some of the people I have met I can feel we had a connection. I hate who I used to be but I don’t think I hate being there. The only thing that sucks is not being close to you.”

“Hey, next year we will all be free to do whatever we want to do, we have time to work it out.” Mercer says. I can tell he wants her back as much as we all do but he’s right, we have been having a lot of therapy lately about what we plan to do after we finish school and we have found a few universities that we would like to go to. Mine is only about fifteen minutes from where JD lives, Rory doesn’t plan to even go to university, Mercer wants to go to Tafe, Levi wants to do a sports degree and Rocky, I’m unsure if he even knows yet. So we have options.

“We have some time before dinner, we should do something,” Rocky says excitedly, jumping up from the couch.

“I did bring Chloe with me, Mac is coming to pick her up while I have dinner here with you guys. We were kind of hoping we could crash at your place Rory and leave in the morning.”

“You don’t ever need to ask, you’re always welcome, anytime.”

We all head out to the kitchen and Chloe is helping Mumma B. I can see why Mac is into her, she seems sweet, and she’s really pretty. I know Mac is a good guy and through therapy I’ve realised that I may have slightly overreacted about him sleeping with my sister. He can’t offer her a future though, he has plans to leave this place and never look back. His life consists of training and it will for a long time. He wants to be an Olympian more than anything else in this world.

***

Dinner was uneventful, or at least mostly. Mumma B invited Chloe and Mac to stay, which the guys weren’t happy about but Mac decided to take Chloe to the movies after dinner, leaving us to head to Rory’s with JD alone.

“I have my fight with Echo this week,” Mercer blurts out and JD pauses the movie and turns to face him.

“I didn’t think my uncle was serious about that,” she says and I’m not sure why she seems so surprised. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who says things that he doesn’t mean.

“He was dead serious, but I won’t back down. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you want to hear. I have to do this.”

“That isn’t what I meant. I won’t ever tell you what to do but I would hope you at least planned to invite me.”

“JD…” he says hesitantly. “I don’t think these are the type of people you want to be hanging around.”

She laughs at him. “You do realise who my uncle is and Echo is my friend. I know they’re a bit shady but I doubt either of them would let anything happen to me.”

“Fine,” he says conceding. “Would you like to come to my fight? But, you have to stand in my corner,” he winks with a smile. “Echo is not having my girl cheering him on.”

JD gets up from her seat in between Rocky and Rory and makes her way over to Mercer and straddles his lap.

“Your girl, huh? Lucky for you, he has a girl in his corner already.”

“Who?” I ask quietly and she turns to face me.

“It seems like Chloe has a few guys just like I do.”

“Does Mac know?” Mercer asks and JD shrugs.

“I’m not sure but he doesn’t want anything serious and right now I think she’s just having fun, which she deserves.”

JD wiggles her way off Mercer's lap and he groans from the movement.

“Guys, can I ask you all something?” She asks hesitantly, biting on her bottom lip.

There’s a chorus of sure and okay’s but she looks unsure.

“Do you see this thing between us lasting? I mean,” she wrings her hands nervously. “How will it work? Dating you all is great but how realistic is it?”

I can feel my heart start to thump in my chest and the pressure starts to build. JD must notice because she’s next to me in a flash and takes my hand. “Maximus, it’s okay. We’re okay, but this is something we need to talk about. Having five boyfriends isn’t normal, how will you all cope with that pressure?”

“I can’t speak for everyone but I think they would all agree that we don’t care what people think. We’ve all spent our childhoods broken and for the last ten years, we’ve been slowly healing and putting ourselves back together. When you came along though, we felt complete, like the last missing piece just fell into place. If people don’t understand that, then that’s on them. We’re complex and you haven't tried to fix our broken pieces. You just walked in and tipped yours amongst ours and that is the type of person we all need. We just hope that you need us just as much. Will people have opinions, of course they will but I for one don’t care.” Levi says, his voice thick with emotion.

Rocky jumps up and comes to push in beside JD.

“Let them talk, jealousy is a curse. I mean, look how hot we are. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?” Rocky says and gestures to his body, which causes JD to laugh and whack him on the arm.

“Okay, as long as you’re all happy because I’m only one person and there’ll be times I can’t be there for everyone at the same time but I’ll try my best. You’ll have to throw me out if you want to get rid of me.”

We spend the rest of the night talking and making plans for when we graduate. It's sneaking up on us really fast and we need to work out the details but after tonight we will all know where we stand. So far everyone is in agreement that we all need to be together. We also agree to sit down and work out where we want to live, a place central to everyone's needs. I know we’ll all talk about this more in depth when JD leaves to go back home. We need to have a heated debate on housing and money. Rory is adamant he has it covered but we don’t want to take handouts. We all want to be equals.

Rory and Mercer pull out the big mats for us to sleep on again whilst Mac and Chloe take the guest room. JD comes and curls up next to me. Without thought or hesitation, I pull her in closer to my body. She links our fingers and she pulls them to her lips.

“Good night,” I whisper in her ear.