34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

ALEX

T he rest of the week I pretended to be fine. I knew I was in a waiting game. I had the week off from training and classes. Work was more fulfilling now that I had a purpose. I joined meetings with the potential investors for the non-profit and got together with Roman and his team on what it would take to implement my plan for the Burrow Township relocation project. The only thing left was to get the residents on board with it. Darius had managed to get most of the families to agree to attend the meeting that Amelia had planned for the auditorium at King Construction. That was happening in just a few days. I was getting excited about that and had worked hard on the presentation intently. It held my focus while I waited for the other shoe to drop.

It’s been so long since I’ve had nothing to do on a Saturday. I felt like getting out of the house today— do normal things again. The fall weather was starting to creep in and that was my favorite time of the year. I couldn’t wait to go up to Lookout Park and see the changing leaves. The air seemed clearer and crisper in the fall too. A picnic seemed like an ideal distraction. I wondered if Roman had anything in mind to do today. I think he’s been avoiding me lately since the hearing. He goes to bed late, and we haven’t been going to the gym at the same time. He used to do all his work out in the kitchen if he was home. Now he's closed himself in his office. He didn't go running with me this morning and wasn’t worried about me going anywhere alone. I wonder if he thinks I’m safe now that Tanner’s going to jail?

I knocked on his office door and heard him say, “I’ll call you later.”

“Come in,” he said in a tired, raspy tone.

I cautiously pushed the door open. Now I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells. It’s awful.

I tried to sound as pleasant as I could. “Hey, good morning. It’s beautiful out there today.”

He looked up quickly and dismissively. “Hi, good morning, yep.”

I took a deep breath and tried to be cordial but he was making it difficult.

“Would you like to have a picnic at Lookout Park today?” He still didn’t look up as he mumbled. “Mmm.” It sounded like he had no desire to go .

“Roman, why are you working on a Saturday? I thought you only did that when you needed to distract yourself?” Let’s see if I’m his problem.

He smiled and looked up at me. “That’s what I’m doing.”

I see. This is where we are now.

“Distracting yourself from what? Me?” I couldn't help instigating what I knew to be the beginning of an argument.

He nodded and let out a long breath.

“Yes, Alex. I can’t stop trying to figure out what you’re up to, so I thought I’d work. Except all the extra work shit involves you, so for whatever reason it’s not working.”

I laughed and came around the desk and sat on his lap.

He didn’t put his arms around me so I put my hands on his face and said, “Please stop. This isn’t healthy.” I thought a little of his own medicine would help, but I probably didn’t think that through.

He was smirking but nothing in his face told me he was happy. “Being worried about you isn’t healthy, you’re damn right. What should I be when my girlfriend provokes a rapist to come after her? I don’t know what you’re up to, but you don’t seem to need or want my help or protection, so why do you want to spend time with me? That’s the kind of shit I think about now.”

I guess I’ll be going on that picnic on my own today then. I got up and walked out of the room. No sense in making things worse.

The drive up to the lookout was beautiful. The sky was clear and there was a slight breeze. I guess I should think about this relationship while I’m here as well. He clearly needs a break and if this is how he’s going to act, I’m going to need a break too. My apartment is still just how I left it. The only thing we did was clean out the refrigerator, but I can always order takeout. This isn’t how I thought this day would go, but I think I always knew it would end up here at some point. I got in the car and called Roman. He sent it straight to voicemail and I left a short message. “Hey, we need to talk when I get back.”

He called back ten minutes later. “Hi. I think you’re right.”

As much as not being in a relationship was my thing before, I really thought this was the one. I always managed to leave an “out clause” in the back of my mind, though, and secretly thought I would want to sabotage it. I tried not to let the tears fall, but I couldn’t help it now and I almost couldn’t talk.

“Okay, see you soon,” I spoke through the emotion before choking on the tears for the rest of the ride home.

***

ROMAN

I went to the gym while she went running. I needed some space. Some time to think. She was being so careless with this situation and she wouldn’t let me help her— clearly she didn’t trust me. I know she’s been working with my mom, but even my mom can’t help her with whatever this is. She isn’t going to get better until she decides it for herself. She’s been drinking every night just to calm down, especially when she thinks I’m not looking.

I got back to the house before she did, took a shower, and changed. Then I headed into my office to make sure Alex would be ok without me. I called Grant and told him to keep an eye on her. I told him that it was just too much for me and she’d be in good hands with him. I told him we both had plenty to focus on with work and that whatever she had planned was going to have to be on her. He agreed and gave me his sympathy. I called my mom next .

“Good morning, Roman.” I’m sure she could tell what this was about.

“Hi mom.” I knew she could hear the sadness in my tone.

“Oh Roman, what is it honey?”

“I can’t do this anymore.” I breathed out.

She sighed, “What happened?”

“She’s so obsessed with whatever this plan of hers is that she’s scaring me. This isn’t the girl I wanted to be with.”

“She may have some more serious things she needs to work on. The timing may not be right for either of you right now.” I shook my head and felt the tightness in my chest. I didn’t want her to agree with me. I wanted to hear how I was overreacting and needed to give her a break.

“Mom, this feels worse than the last time.” I had my face in my hand just trying to hold it together.

“I’m sure it does, Roman, because this time you want it to be over, but you still love her.” I’ve never loved anyone like I love Alex.

“What if she doesn’t want it? What if I send her over the edge?” She seemed so fragile even with whatever this crazy plan was of hers.

“What have I told you about the things we can and can’t control?” I leaned back in my chair, running my hands through my hair.

“I know I know. I can’t control how anyone else feels, thinks, acts or reacts. I only have control over myself.” She laughed because she’s made me say that so many times.

“That’s right. In Alex’s mind she’s doing what she has to do. By not telling you, she thinks she’s protecting you. It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel the same way, because that’s just the way she thinks. Now she’s telling you you’re better off not knowing. She has a very protective nature about her. She doesn’t really like being protected though. I don’t know what it’s going to take to change that. It’s something she may have to figure out on her own.” I took a few deep breaths to keep the tears from spilling over.

“You’re right, I just need to let her go. Hey mom? Can I go to church with you and dad tomorrow?” God knows I needed something. Maybe I just needed a higher power.

“Of course, honey. I’d love that.”

I got a lot of prep work done for the week ahead then decided to call Harrison and see if he and Amelia were going to mom and dads for dinner tonight.

“Yeah, we’re going around five. You ok?” Harrison sounded concerned. Am I okay? Probably not but I’ll be fine someday.

“Sure.” But I'm definitely not fine right now.

“Is Alex coming with you?” Right then Alex was calling, so I sent it to voicemail.

“I don’t think so.”

“I guess we’ll see you tonight then.” I hung up and took a few minutes to get myself together, listening to the voicemail that said we needed to talk.

“Hi, I think you’re right.” I said as I called her back then shuffled to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. I didn’t want to get in the habit of going straight to the liquor cabinet like she’s been doing lately. I was sitting on the couch when she came in. She was smiling but I could tell she’d been crying. Damn, this was going to suck.

***

ALEX

I had already mentally packed and moved back into my place so it wouldn’t take long once we were done with this conversation. The elevator took forever. When the doors opened, I saw him sitting there with a sadness I've never seen before. I’m glad I brought some wine with me for lunch, because I would’ve been all nerves if I hadn’t, and I needed to be brave to do this. My stomach was in knots when he patted the sofa next to him. I hope he didn’t try to stop me. I know I told him to chase me, but I really didn’t want that right now. I used my sweater to wipe the rest of my tears off my face then I went over and cautiously sat down next to him.

The first thing he did was envelope me in a hug. I couldn’t contain the tears or the sobs anymore. This hurt so much, feeling his own pain mingling with mine. He laid his head on top of mine and I know I felt a tear land on my cheek that didn’t belong to me.

His voice cracked when he choked out, “Alex, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything that’s happened to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you and help you. I know, now, that it’s not my place. You have to do that on your own and until you do, there’s no place for me.”

I sniffed and looked up into his eyes. He was breaking up with me. I wanted this, didn’t I? I should feel grateful that this is what’s happening right now. Why do I feel like shit? Why does this hurt so much?

“I’m going to get my things and go.” I didn’t know what else to say and I tried to get up, but he pulled me back down and kissed me.

“Just remember, I love you and nothing will ever change that.” I’ve never seen him so sad and knowing that it was me that made him that way ripped a hole through my chest. I nodded and hurried down the hall to pack my things and I left.

I don’t remember getting back to my apartment. I hadn’t been there in so long I almost forgot what it looked like. It seemed so cold and lonely. It was cold because it was time to turn the heat on, but it wasn’t what it was before. My place always felt lived in and cozy. Roman’s place was the one I felt was more antiseptic and colder. I guess it’s not the decor but who’s there with you. I felt like an empty vessel right now, just like my apartment. I’m the one who’s antiseptic and cold. He was the one who was lived in and cozy.

My phone was ringing, and Matt’s name was scrolling across the screen. “Hey Matt.” I answered without any enthusiasm at all.

“I think you got what you were looking for,” he said accusingly.

I was too busy being in my head to comprehend what he was saying.

“What are you talking about?” I rolled my eyes at his annoying tone.

He laughed but it wasn’t a funny, ha ha laugh, it was more pissed off than that.

“You forgot already, huh?” He stopped laughing and spit out with irritation as he continued, “You’ve been served.” Okay this is what I’ve been waiting for.

“Oh that. What does it say?” I was chewing my lip trying to prepare myself for what I was about to hear.

“I think you should come over and we can go over it with Jack. I’m not going to be able to represent you on this one because of my political involvement but Jack said he’d do it. And Alex, this is going to cost you.” It’s already cost me.

“I’ll be over in about an hour, okay?” I stared blankly at the wall trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever this was.

“Sounds good. Alex, I’m sorry about all of this. You didn’t deserve any of it, but I don’t think what you did was helpful at all.”

“Thanks for everything you’ve done Matt. You know I appreciate and love you all.” Please just tell me I haven’t lost them.

“I know. We love you too.” That’s what I needed to hear.

When I got there, I was scared. I didn’t really feel like I would have the support I needed to do this from my friends and family, so I needed to make a quick call to get my strength back.

The phone rang and Bruce picked up, “Hey Alex. How are you?”

“I’m nervous. What I wanted to happen has happened, and I don’t think my friends or family are going to support any of it.” I knew they weren’t. Roman breaking up with me was proof of that.

“I already told you we’ve got your back here. Call me when you know.” Thank God for the gym or I don’t know if I’d be able to do this.

“Thank you, Bruce.” I took a few deep breaths and knocked on the door. Maggie answered it and immediately hugged me.

“I don’t know what to say Alex.” I got some distance, wiping the tears from my face as I left her with a faint smile before walking past her to the kitchen where Matt and Jack were waiting with the summons.

***

ROMAN

I don’t think she was prepared for me to be the one to do that. I didn’t want to let her go but I knew I had to. If she and I were meant to be together we would be, but I can’t help her with whatever she’s got going on in her head. I wish I could but apparently the damage is bad. Even my mom can’t fix her. I managed to tell her I loved her and to always remember that, and then she was gone. Letting go and letting God is harder than it looks but I know it’s the right thing to do. I welcomed the quality time with my family right now and tried not to worry about Alex. I had hoped I left her in good hands with Grant and his protection squad .

I got to my parents’ house and headed straight out back where everyone was having cocktails before dinner. I tried to pull myself together before I went out there, but I knew mom was going to feel it all, so I didn’t even bother. I went straight to the bar, poured a bourbon and drank it like a shot. Then I poured another one and sat down. I took a deep breath before I even looked up at anyone and finally said, “Hey.”

Mom was the first to say something. She said, “Hi, honey.” Harrison, Amelia and my dad all said hello, then they went back to talking to each other like I wasn’t there. Is this how it’s going to be now? I’m going to be invisible with nothing to say because I’m obsessing over this girl? Screw this.

I abruptly confronted my father, “Dad, how do you know Grant and the Santoros?” Everyone’s head popped up quickly. I’m so pissed about all the secrets.

He answered without hesitation, “I did some work for Grant about ten years ago, why?” I know who they are, so what fucking work did he do for them?

“What kind of work?” I snapped. I don’t think he liked my tone.

“What kind of work do you think?” His face was a little angrier than I was expecting and it felt like he was hiding something.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.” I was in such a bad mood, and I was sick of all these secrets and surprises.

“Son, I built him a restaurant and a real estate office. What’s going on with you?” He’s going with the most obvious answer then— bullshit. Why didn’t I know about this? I’ve worked with dad for a long time and even before I worked there, I was with him at the office a lot.

“How did I not know this?” I accused him of hiding information from me .

“Why would you know this? You didn’t work for me ten years ago. You don’t know every job I’ve ever done or know every person I’ve ever met.”

I’m being such an asshole right now, but his tone is frustrated and irritated with me. I know there’s more going on.

Harrison yelled, “Chill out, dude.”

I lashed out and spat, “Fuck you, Harrison.”

I turned abruptly back to dad and said, “That explains Grant, but what about the Santoros? Mom didn’t seem to know them.” Mom came and sat next to me and put her arm around me. What is she trying to protect me from? Information or myself?

“Roman, what’s with all the questions about these people? The Santoros funded the projects for Grant. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen any of them. I was surprised to see them at Alex’s hearing. They told me you were doing the renovations on their winery. I thought that was great that they brought business back to King Construction.”

That seemed legit. I didn’t need to hear that my dad was part of some secret underworld life. I couldn’t handle any more of this craziness. I wanted my normal, boring life back. I had a feeling I was never getting that again, though.

“Sorry dad. Sorry Harrison. I need to go for a walk and get some air.” No point in trying to open this can of worms up right now.

I somehow made my way to the swings and sat down. I didn’t even realize mom followed me back there.

“I’m losing it, aren’t I?” I said as she sat in the swing next to me. She chuckled.

“How could you not lose it a little? This has been a rollercoaster ride for you, honey. ”

“Why was she the one? Why did I choose the one who pushed me away and put herself in harm's way? Does that really sound like something I’d do?” She reached out and grabbed my hand. I tried to breathe deeply so I didn’t get angry, but all I wanted to do was punch something.

“Why do you think you chose her?”

Because I’ve lost my fucking mind, that’s why.

“Besides the obvious, beautiful, smart, successful…I guess because she wasn’t like the rest of them.” She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. She’s like a fucking drug.

“And what do the rest of them look like to you?”

“Needy and superficial.” Easy and safe.

“What did Alex have that they didn’t?” The interrogation swings are in full force now.

“She was independent. She clearly doesn’t need me or anyone else for that matter, maybe to a fault. She told it like it is from her point of view, anyway. She was just real.” I ran my hands down my face.

“Real isn’t perfect, Roman. Real can get ugly. Real can hurt. But it’s also genuine and what you see is what you get. We all have skeletons in our closet. Demons that we’re fighting that sometimes we keep to ourselves, so we don’t burden others. It doesn’t mean it will be easy knowing that, it just means sometimes we must make sacrifices in order to deal with those demons. It’s best to fight demons with angels. I’m glad you're coming to church with us tomorrow.”

I guess Alex was going to have to figure out a way to fight her demons without me. I guess all I can do is pray she finds an angel to help her fight them.