Chapter Twelve

6.30 p.m.: saturday 30 october

Nr. Rembrandtplein, Amsterdam

330 miles and 20(+1) hours and 30 minutes until the wedding

‘I'm just going to clean myself up in Leon and Alex's apartment,' Harry told her, coming back to the table a while later. Leon had needed to go back to work, so Kay had returned to watching Harry from a distance and she was feeling restless from the effect of that, alongside her sudden, urgent desire to Talk.

Harry wiped at the silvery flecks of paint on his hands and shirt with a crumpled rag and Kay noticed one on the corner of his chin. She stood up, just barely resisting the impulse to use her thumb to wipe it away. The sudden motion gave her a head rush and she caught the edge of the table to steady herself. Little magical tingles had been blooming on and off within her stomach and slowly spreading out, which she'd assumed were to do with Leon's magic, but the heaviness to her limbs and general softness around the edges of everything was more like what she remembered of the few times she'd smoked a joint back at university.

‘Will you be OK here?' Harry asked her, his eyebrows pulling together.

‘I wouldn't mind freshening up a bit myself before we start the next leg of the Odyssey,' she said, trying to style out the way she had almost launched herself across the table at him.

‘Of course. Apparently, the snow is due to start coming down heavier through the evening, so I think we should leave sooner rather than later.' He reached for his bag and coat, but she got there first.

‘I'll bring them. So you don't get paint on them.' She folded both their coats over her arm, tempted to give his a rattle, and then hooked their bags over her shoulder.

He blinked. ‘Sure you're OK with all that?'

‘Sure, I'm sure.' She patted the bags and then waddled out of the booth and followed him through a door at the back, and past the kitchens, where Leon waved to them. From there was another door, up a staircase to a beautiful apartment with high ceilings and wooden floors.

‘The bathroom is through here.' Harry pointed to a door on the far side of the room. ‘Do you want to use it first?'

‘No. You go first. You're the one all' – she flicked her spare hand up and down at him – ‘painty.'

He raised an eyebrow and went into the bathroom, clicking the light on and pulling the door shut, while Kay settled on the sofa, putting their coats and bags down. The seats were a gorgeous purple, with an embroidered deep red throw draped across the back. She ran her fingers over it as she heard the taps turning on.

Looking around the room, she saw little touches of Leon and Alex's life together and wondered if Harry and Leon had lived together too. In this other life he'd been living that was completely different to what she'd assumed. Paving his own way as an illustrator, maintaining his friendship with her brother, having grown-up relationships. What else didn't she know—

No. No more questions just bouncing around in her head.

She pushed herself up off the sofa and, before she'd even really thought it through, opened the door to the bathroom.

Harry straightened up from where he was at the sink, water running down his face and dripping off his hands. His gaze darted to the sides of her as though looking to see where the fire was. ‘Kay, what are you doing in here?'

‘Apparently, I like bursting in on you when you're in the bathroom.' She blinked at the droplets tracking down his neck, dampening the collar of his shirt.

‘Does that mean I'm in trouble again?' he asked warily, as he shook his hands off and grabbed a towel, tilting his head as she pushed the door closed behind her.

‘Harry. I need you to …' Talk to me, tell me how you felt about me, tell me what went wrong – all of these were great options. Instead, what came out of her mouth was: ‘Kiss me.'

Whoa.

She clapped a palm over her mouth and then held out the index finger from her other hand, as though that could stall him from reacting. Weirdly, it did seem to work. He dropped the towel on the floor, but then stood frozen, staring at her, his eyes wide.

A wave of sensation, like pins and needles, rippled throughout her. It was strange but not unpleasant. She swallowed and lowered both her hands. ‘That … that was not what I intended to say.'

He nodded slowly. Both of them were acting as though they were pointing guns at each other. ‘What did you intend to say?'

‘I …' She took a moment to refocus on the reason she'd come in the bathroom. ‘I'd like to know why you tried to influence me, in that note when you stood me up. And why you stood me up. I mean … I don't need you to explain that you didn't want to date. I get that, it's fine, you didn't want to. But you could have just said "no" when I asked you out. It would have been enough.'

Harry looked down for a moment at the towel he'd dropped. He bent his knees to pick it up and hung it on the rack carefully – all without looking at her. The bathroom was a lot bigger than the one on the plane, but Kay felt more exposed than if he'd walked in on her in the shower.

Raking both hands back through his hair, he finally fastened those blue eyes on her. ‘No,' he said simply. ‘No, it wouldn't have been enough.'

She flushed. ‘I know I was a bit starry-eyed, but I wouldn't have chased after you. I would have understood. We could have still been friends. Unless … we weren't ever friends. You were just humouring me because you didn't want to upset Joe?'

‘No …' He shook his head, stopping abruptly like he'd run into an invisible wall. ‘I'm not sure we should be having this conversation now. I think Leon's food is working.'

‘You know what he influenced it with?'

‘Bravery. I think. Or honesty. I guess they often amount to the same thing.'

‘Well, that makes sense. Because I'm not sure I would have opened myself up to sounding quite this pathetic without any encouragement,' she admitted and then gasped as though the words had been torn from her throat. ‘OK, wow. That's some strong magic.'

‘Right. Maybe we should talk about it later, when the influence has passed?'

‘I don't know.' She crossed her arms. Her stomach was flipping and she could feel the influence pushing on her now. Convincing her that it wasn't a good idea to leave it until later, because she'd chicken out. Damn, Leon was good at what he did. She might have resented it, but it was exactly what she needed, wasn't it? ‘You don't seem to be having the same kind of trouble, keeping your own counsel.'

Harry wiped his hand down his face and gave a humourless laugh. ‘I guess I'm not so inclined towards honesty or bravery as you are.'

‘That's a shame. Because I think I deserve an answer.' Her chest ached as she pulled in a deep breath to say something she knew to be true, but wasn't necessarily easy to face. ‘But if you can't bring yourself to tell me, even now, maybe that's everything I need to know.' She turned towards the door.

‘Wait.' His footsteps approached swiftly, and he put his hand flat on the door over her shoulder, stopping her from opening it. ‘You do deserve an answer.' His breath puffed, soft and warm against the back of her neck, sending goosebumps along her skin.

She turned back to face him, leaning against the door. He swallowed, and her eyes tracked the ripple down his throat, before heading back up to his mouth.

‘I convinced myself I needed to leave Biddicote,' he continued, softly. ‘I'd applied to Edinburgh, told my dad it was just as a back-up, in case London didn't accept me … but that was my escape plan.'

‘Escape from what?' she whispered back, like she didn't want to speak too loudly in case she spooked him, when he was finally opening up.

‘The pressure from my family that last year of sixth form. I didn't understand where it had come from, why it suddenly felt so stifling. Every move I made, my parents were there, judging me against the yardstick of the Ashworth family legacy, reminding me what I have to live up to …' He removed his hand from the door, straightening up but not moving back. Her chest was hot, the heat of his body sinking into her. ‘I didn't know how much of what I felt was what they told me I should feel, or what was genuinely me. And then I started tutoring with Joe and I spent more and more time with you … and I kept telling myself it was just a crush, and that I'd get over it, but you were so clever, and funny, and passionate, and kind, and I knew – I knew – if you and I had started dating, or even if we'd just stayed friends, I would have wanted to take that university place in London so I could still see you. I would have come back home on the weekends, all the holidays …'

She flattened her hands against the cool, painted wood of the door behind her, trying to ground herself, because it was hard to believe what she was hearing. He'd had a crush. On her . He thought she was all those wonderful things?

Or had been.

But his parents had pushed him so hard he'd been that desperate to get away?

‘If you'd explained it to me, I would have understood. I would have supported you to go to Edinburgh, I already knew the way your dad was always on your case—'

He shook his head. ‘You're not hearing me. I couldn't have gone. Not all the while I thought you might want me … the way I wanted you.' His gaze flickered over her face before he met her eyes for a long, intense moment, rousing all her attraction into a fiery storm. She had to drag in a deep breath in order to be able to speak again, because she still needed to understand.

‘So … that's why you made me hate you?'

He shut his eyes. ‘Yes. It was so selfish. I know it was. I hurt you on purpose. It was mostly accidental – the influencing – it just poured out of me as I wrote the note, but I still made the choice to give it to you, knowing how it would make you feel. And part of me thought it would at least be better than hurting, even more than you already were because of what was going on with your family. You hating me is only what I deserve.' He let out a shaky breath, then opened his eyes but kept looking down, his coppery eyelashes fanning against the pale shadows beneath. ‘I fucked up in so many ways and I'm sorry. So sorry.'

There it was. The answer. And the apology. In an abstract way she knew it was good to finally have it, but it was like she'd been digging for a treasure chest and though she'd found it, the actual gems were scattered around it, rather than inside, and they didn't look anything like she'd expected. They were the things she was more interested in at the moment.

‘You did want me?' she breathed. ‘Back then?'

He nodded and lifted his chin, his eyes hooded as he looked down at her. ‘So much.'

There were a couple of small dark freckles, sitting at the edge of his lips where they met his skin. She touched her finger to one then followed the generous curve of his mouth, tingles racing down her hand and up her arm. Not magic tingles. Not space cookie tingles. These were Harry tingles.

She ran her tongue along her own lower lip and his breath shuddered out and over her skin.

He cupped her face, sliding his hands up, so his damp fingers caught in the strands of her hair and his fingertips rested, cool and gentle, against her scalp, sending shivers down her neck. He leaned in. ‘Still do.'

Her heart had fought its way up to hammer at the base of her throat. Electricity crackled beneath her skin. She was sixteen, in the cave again, the hope that she was finally going to get to kiss Harry Ashworth making her weak. She wasn't going to risk the chance being taken away from her this time.

She took him by the collar, lifted up onto her tiptoes and fitted her mouth against his.

His lips were as amazing as they had always looked, soft but firm, and she was already melting from the feel of them on hers, when he responded and everything became a dizzying rush of the world falling away, but her body sparking to life in an agony of awareness.

His mouth brushed over hers, again and again, gentle as waves lapping at a shore, approaching, and retreating, learning what made her breath hitch, teasing her by doing it again, drugging her with a slow rhythm, winding her desire tighter and tighter within her until she was desperate for more.

She ran her hands down his shirt, the feel of his lean, warm muscles beneath adding to the charge building within her. She clutched handfuls of the material, pulling him closer, and his fingers mirrored the motion, tightening in her hair, tipping her head back further. The glide of their mouths grew faster, greedier, as he guided her head from one angle to another, exploring so thoroughly, she could barely catch her breath. The confidence that this was happening and it was good sinking in. So good.

Her legs lost their strength, the bones and muscles dissolving. She had to come down off her tiptoes, making a dull thump against the door as she leaned back against it. Harry's body crowded closer and Kay slipped her hands around his waist, tugging his shirt free of his trousers until her palms could slide up his back, skin against skin.

A moan rumbled up from his throat and he grabbed her by the thighs, lifting her up, carrying her the couple of steps over to the bathroom counter and sitting her on the edge of it. She tugged him even nearer with her fingers hooked in his belt loops. A sound that was somehow both surprise and relief escaped her as he slotted into the space between her spread thighs, pressing against her where she was growing heavy with warmth and anticipation, where he was solid and thick.

He swore under his breath and his hand was at her jaw, thumb tracing her bottom lip, dipping inside just enough to make her gasp, to make her hungry for their next kiss. His hands dropped to the counter, bracketing her hips as he bent to find her mouth again with his. Their tongues met, slick and addictive. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, trying to hold herself up, as everything liquefied inside her.

The kiss deepened, and he gripped her waist, jerking her closer to the edge of the counter. There was nothing but this and their bodies, fused from hip, to stomach, to chest, making heat bloom inside her, from her heart down to the pulse between her legs, which she rolled against him, seeking more friction.

A desperate noise escaped his throat and he broke away, pressing his temple to hers, as damp gusts of air fell from his mouth. She was breathing just as fast. He nuzzled her hair and his head nudged the arm on her glasses, shifting them to the side. She reacted automatically, releasing him, and leaning away so she could push them back into place.

He was straightening up too, space growing between them, and even now – even in the centre of this storm – she recognised that her fear of releasing her gift had managed to override every other pleasurable sensation flooding her body and mind. She should have just taken her glasses off and carried on kissing him.

But she couldn't do it. He might have told her how he felt, and she definitely had the evidence of his desire, but she didn't want to use her gift to see anything more. To know if that was all there was between them now. To know if there was something he hadn't mentioned. To see the extent of what she felt herself.

The effort of holding herself upright became too much and she fell back onto her elbows, her head hitting the mirror behind her.

‘Shit, are you OK?' Harry's voice was rough, his body close again, but he was cradling her head gently and encouraging her to sit up. ‘What happened?'

She slumped against his shoulder, her cheek crumpling his shirt, or his shirt crumpling her cheek, one of those. There was ringing in her ears. ‘I'm great,' she slurred into the crook of his neck.

‘You're really not. Did you hit your head really hard?'

‘No. It's fine. Doesn't hurt at all.' She tried to rub her hand up his chest, but it flopped like a dead fish instead.

‘Are you feeling ill? This can't be Leon's magic—'

‘Not magic. Space. Space cookie. I might be stoned.'

‘You ate a space cookie ?' His laugh was weak, incredulous. His skin smelt amazing, she turned her nose into the crook of his neck and breathed in deeply. A wave of dizziness washed over her. ‘Kay?'

‘Oh. Yes? Just one bite. One big bite.' She put her hand on his other shoulder to try to push herself upright. ‘Guess it's hitting me now.'

Harry was quiet for a moment, and she felt him taking a few deep breaths. He smoothed his hands down her back and then gripped her shoulders gently to help her sit up.

She squinted at him, her eyes already feeling heavy-lidded. His face was pale beneath his freckles, apart from two reddened patches on his cheekbones, his kiss-swollen mouth downturned at the corners. ‘Are you all right to stand?'

‘Yeah … but …' She bit her lip and pushed her finger against his bottom lip, admittedly not with the same gentle caress she'd used before since her co-ordination was a little off and her arm weighed two tonnes. Weirdly, gravity had also disappeared. ‘Why … don't you want to kiss me anymore?'

He swallowed and looked down. ‘Kay, you're not yourself. I didn't realise. This isn't right. And you need to try to sober up as much as possible before we go get the car.'

A disappointed noise surfaced from her throat, but she nodded. Then brightened. ‘Hey, we get to do a road trip. We always wanted to, didn't we?'

Harry answered with a brief smile. Then he half-carried her back into Leon and Alex's living room and laid her on the sofa. She probably could have done a lot of it on her own if she'd tried, but it was too nice having him so close, his arms all around her.

‘Where you going?' She caught hold of his untucked shirt as he straightened up after pushing a pillow underneath her head. She tugged hard and he had to put his hands out either side of her to stop himself from toppling onto her. Boo hiss to his quick reflexes. His taste filled her mouth, and she wanted more of it. Goddess, she wanted to feel the weight of his body on top of hers so much, her mouth was watering.

‘I have to …' He took a shaky breath and shook his head. ‘I have to get us ready to leave.' He pushed himself up. ‘I'll be back in a minute. Will you be OK without me?'

No , she wanted to say. Stay. But that was too reminiscent of how she'd felt as a teenager and she was a grown-up now, after all.

‘Sure,' she said in what she planned to be a nonchalant voice, but it came out weirdly high-pitched, as she flopped her heavy arms back over her head.

Harry blinked, his gaze travelling up her, before he stood up straight, driving a hand into his hair. ‘I'll be back in a minute,' he repeated and headed for the door.

The sofa was really comfortable, almost as comfortable as the booths downstairs, and she ran her hand over the throw, back and forth, feeling the silky threads, the bumps against her palm, the odd place where they were starting to fray. There was an art deco style lampshade above her, hovering like a spaceship. Such a gorgeous shade of blue. Like Harry's eyes.

But no. His eyes weren't blue apparently. Would she ever see the right colour, and if she did, would it be because of how she felt, or because of how he felt? What she needed was evidence, if he wasn't going to tell her.

She rolled onto her side, scrabbling for her tote, digging around for her phone. It wouldn't be odd to text Joe and ask him for a photo of Harry, would it …

‘We need to leave as soon as possible. Is there anything you can make her?'

Harry was back, and Kay realised she'd shut her eyes and drifted off, her mind full of bright shapes, like the lampshade and the stained-glass window downstairs. She pried her eyelids up to see her head was level with the coffee table, one arm and one leg hanging off the sofa.

‘Not really, H – my magic is emotive, rather than physiological. She has a drug in her system. You can't counteract that with good vibes. I mean, I could help if she's feeling paranoid?'

‘Not that I've noticed,' Harry mumbled.

Kay wondered why he sounded so shifty about it. Maybe because the only real emotion she'd been showing him was that she was horny.

She giggled.

‘Hey,' Leon crouched down by her head and she grinned at him. He raised an eyebrow. ‘Someone is buzzing.'

‘I don't think it's just because of the cookie,' Kay whispered. ‘I kissed Harry. Shh.' She pressed her finger to her lips and giggled again.

Leon laughed and whispered back, ‘Glad to see he hasn't lost his touch.'

‘What about coffee or … orange juice?' Harry sounded like he was a million miles away. Kay forced herself up onto her elbow, saw he was actually just in the kitchen with Alex, and flopped onto her back again. ‘Does that help or was it just an urban myth I heard back at uni?'

‘It can help,' Alex said. ‘Since she ingested it rather than smoked it. She might feel more stoned to begin with, but she'll digest it quicker.'

‘That doesn't necessarily sound helpful.'

‘Harry, it's OK, it'll pass. She'll be fine.' Leon's voice moved further away and Kay realised her eyes were shut again. They were too heavy to open, even though she wanted to see what was going on.

‘I need to get her on a ferry. At the moment, she can't even stand up. If we miss that ferry …' his voice cracked and there was some movement in the room.

‘I know. I know.' Leon's voice was soft and when Kay forced her sticky eyelids open, she saw Alex had one of his huge hands on Harry's shoulder, squeezing him with a comforting gesture. Why was he comforting Harry? Sure, he wanted to get them back for the wedding, but he wasn't going to get that upset about it, was he? Her own desperation must have been leaking off onto him.

At least her magic hadn't been leaking. A miracle, considering how she'd felt so full of … sparks. She couldn't help but give a hum of satisfaction.

‘She really didn't eat that much. Are you sure she isn't just drunk on you?' Leon's voice was full of barely contained amusement.

‘Stop it. I feel terrible. I didn't know she'd eaten anything. Goddess, why am I always such a disaster around her? Even when I think I'm doing the right thing, it turns out to be selfish and ends up hurting people—'

‘Now you stop it. You said it yourself; you didn't know. And you stopped as soon as you realised.' There was a pause where Harry must have nodded because that was the truth. ‘Did you talk beforehand?'

‘A bit. Not about everything, we got distracted …'

‘Are you going to make sure you pick up the conversation again …? Harry?'

‘Yes. Yes. I will.'

He had more he needed to tell her? They hadn't covered everything? She guessed she didn't know what she didn't know. That was the problem there. At that moment, it was tricky to remember what they had covered. Enough for her to want to kiss him anyway. If she hadn't panicked about her stupid glasses, she could still be kissing him.

She pressed her glasses firmly onto the bridge of her nose, causing a pain across her sinuses. Stupid glasses. No. Stupid gift. ‘Ouch.'

Harry came over to help her sit up, his hand sliding behind her back and supporting her. ‘Are you OK?'

‘Yeah.' She licked her lips. Where had all the moisture gone? ‘Good, good. Fine and dandy.'

‘Fine enough to walk to the car park where Leon's car is, or shall I just get it and drive down here?' Harry sounded sceptical and sat on the sofa next to her, his arm still behind her back, all strong and warm. It made her want to turn and crawl into his lap.

‘I think, with the snow, and the roads around here, it would be safer if you walked to the car,' Alex said. ‘The fresh air will probably help her too.'

‘Think you're up to that?' Harry asked her, the lines between his eyebrows deep.

She reached out and smoothed them with the pad of her index finger. ‘I will do my absolutely-tootly best.'

Harry smiled and caught her finger, giving it a brief squeeze.

‘Right, let's get Operation Sober-Kay-Up on the go then.' Leon clapped his hands together.

The next twenty minutes were a flurry of Kay being bossed about in a way that she never would have tolerated normally. She was coaxed into the shower, to be blasted with cold water – by herself unfortunately. Once she was dressed, they filled her up with very strong coffee and very sharp juice, until her stomach was sloshing, tucked a couple of Mars bars and a bottle of water in her tote bag for good measure and bundled her out the back door with Harry, in a flurry of hugs and kisses and promises to come back again soon.

It was fully dark outside now and the snow lay deep on the roads – no more of that slushy stuff. It quickly became apparent that Alex had been right about the effect of the orange juice, in that her head was swimming and she felt both more stoned, but more awake at the same time. She was having an even harder time keeping herself upright and the dark water in the canals seemed to be calling to her. Harry kept having to rescue her from lemming-it off the edge, his lips pressed flat. All Kay could think about was how they felt on her mouth, on her skin. She knew they needed to hurry, but her body was simply not co-operating.

‘I'm so sorry,' she told him, leaning, almost doubled over, on a black bollard, snow squishing into her stomach. It felt like they had been walking for a century, and they'd only made it to the end of the second road.

‘You don't need to be sorry, it was an accident,' he reassured her, then banded his duffel bag across his chest and got her to climb up onto his back so he could piggyback her.

She knew she shouldn't be enjoying it quite so much, since it was obviously costing him a lot of effort, but having her body wrapped around his – even if they were bundled up in their coats – was pretty heavenly. Especially as they walked along with the snow falling and the lights of Amsterdam glittering in the canals. Kay rested her cheek against his head and breathed in the scent of his soft hair. This had to be a dream. And if it was, she wasn't sure she wanted to wake up from it.