28. Always Had You

28

ALWAYS HAD YOU

“ I s my son doing anything fun for Valentine’s Day tonight?” Carolina asked Crystal over a month later.

Once Phoenix’s family found out they were dating, his mother had been texting or calling her a few times a week. Checking in on things and asking about Elsie. Sometimes just wanting to know how Phoenix was doing and so thrilled she had a way of checking on her son without pestering him.

Crystal found the whole thing sweet and never had a problem with it. But she had let Phoenix know it was going on too.

“We are going to dinner tonight with Elsie. We decided to tell Elsie about us too.”

“Oh,” Carolina said. “How do you feel about that?”

“Nervous,” she said, letting out a little laugh. “Scared. I don’t want Elsie to feel as if anything is changing for her. Or that Phoenix is going to be there less for her either. He already feels guilty about the time he’s at work with all the changes.”

“I know,” Carolina said. “Phoenix is a champion guilt holder. He’s always been so hard on himself. But he knows that things will be changing soon.”

“He told me the legal documents are almost set now,” she said. “But we don’t talk much about it. I mean, I don’t need to know those details. It’s none of my business.”

“Only in that it’s nice to know my son isn’t wearing himself out.”

“That’s right,” she said. “I’m trying to make sure things are done before he gets home. He only has to spend time with Elsie.”

She knew Phoenix was stressed but not in a horrible way. He was running his business and making calls and planning everything for the expansion, at the same time working in his lab and seeing what to do next.

He spent a lot of time on the phone later at night with West or his father. Sometimes Laken.

Crystal was supportive but not interfering. There was no reason for her to be. He might be her boyfriend, but he was still her boss.

Yet the sight of him thriving after his struggles gave her hope that finally some of her life choices were the right ones too.

“You’re good for him,” Carolina said. “He needs something like this in his life with everything that has happened in the past several months. I’m sure he told you that he did the line of bags for Maryn, right?”

She sighed. “He did. I think he’s so happy to be back to doing what he loves but feels bad that something he did for her, he might not have much of a hand in going forward.”

“I’ve been telling him, along with Austin, that it still exists. He got that started and he’s building it and it will be much bigger and better than it ever was because maybe someone with more knowledge than him can run it more effectively.”

“Yikes,” she said. “How did he take that? I know he’s got this fear of failure.”

Just like she did. Though you wouldn’t ever see it on Phoenix.

“He does. He puts way too much on his shoulders and I’m sure having to tell Elsie about the two of you now is just another thing.”

“It is,” she said. “We hadn’t talked about it for a few weeks and then last week Elsie almost caught us kissing. It’s getting too hard to keep this secret and I don’t think we should.”

“So it was your idea?” Carolina asked.

“Yes and no,” she said. “We talked it out. I don’t like secrets any more than the next person. Phoenix even admitted that he hated that he has to always watch his every move around me and flip the boss and boyfriend switch.”

Phoenix’s mother laughed. “Just one more thing for him to be concerned about on top of everything else.”

“Exactly,” she said. “So tonight we are taking Elsie to dinner and going to figure out a way to bring it up as gently as possible. Phoenix said that Maryn had relationships so he is going to try to explain it that way.”

“Phoenix has always been so great with Elsie. He’s going to be a wonderful father to her. To his own kids someday too. He’ll figure it out like he does everything else in life.”

“He will,” she said. “And he won’t have to do it alone. It’s funny, he’s always asking me for advice on parenting and it’s not as if I have any experience. He had more experience with Elsie than me.”

“But she opens up to you more. It’s a girl to a mother type thing. I’m sure there are things she doesn’t tell Phoenix, right?”

“There are,” she said. “Lots of times I feel bad that he and I will be talking and I’ll say something about Elsie thinking he knows and he doesn’t. Just simple things like her new favorite toy or show or food.”

“It’s part of being a family,” Carolina said. “Even one as unconventional as what you’ve got. My children figured out fairly fast which parent to go to for what thing. But Austin and I would talk and make sure we were on the same page all the time.”

Her heart swelled hearing the word family.

She and Phoenix hadn’t said they loved each other yet, but she knew what she felt for him and had for weeks. She thought he felt the same by the way he looked at her and held her.

“With nine kids that had to be a lot of conversations,” she said.

Carolina laughed. “It was. And we still have them. I’m going to let you go because I know you need to run and get Elsie from school.”

“I do,” she said. “I still have an hour. Phoenix is going to try to come home first and then we’ll do it together and go to an early dinner to beat the crowds. You have a great night too. Hopefully you’re doing something special and romantic.”

“No,” Carolina said almost letting out a snort. “After all these years and kids, Austin and I are happy to be empty nesters.”

“You miss the chaos, you know it,” she said.

“Maybe just a little. Two of my kids will be back home in a few months, then the house won’t be so quiet again.”

“Take advantage of it,” she said and hung up a minute later.

She turned when the door to the garage opened. “Hi,” Phoenix said.

“Hey,” she said. “I was just talking to your mother.”

“Really?” he asked. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she said. “She checks in with me at times. You know that. She wanted to know if we were doing anything special for the day.”

He walked over and pulled her into his arms and kissed her. “What did you tell her?”

“I said we were going to dinner and talking to Elsie. That it was hard to keep this private.”

“It is,” he said, his mouth moving over her neck. “I want to be able to do this without worrying she’s going to come in and be shocked.”

His lips were all but sucking on the tender skin of her neck and she let out a moan. “I hope you don’t do this exactly in front of her.”

“No,” he said. He picked her up before she knew what was going to happen and then carried her to his room. “Nor would I do this either, but I want to be able to express myself more and not worry.”

She fell on his bed with him coming down on top of her and they both started to laugh.

“I’m glad you got home so early. We’ve got about thirty minutes or so before we have to leave.”

“Plenty enough time,” he said.

The two of them started to undress quickly, clothes flying all over the room. It felt like that was how they always ended up.

Though it was sexy to have the air of secrecy and hope they weren’t caught, she was ready to be freer with her emotions too.

The minute they were both naked, she shoved Phoenix on his back, found the condoms in the drawer next to his bed. Hopping on his hips, her knees on each side, she tore one open with her teeth and slowly rolled it down the length of him.

She loved how big and strong he was. Firm and smooth. And all hers!

She lifted her eyes and looked up to see him staring at her. “What?” she asked.

“Just watching you.”

“There is something on your mind,” she said. “I can see it.” She was talking slowly and lifted, lined him up with her and sank down. “Tell me.”

She was riding him while she talked. Their eyes locked. Her heart was racing and she wondered if she was pushing things and should dial it back.

But she didn’t want to. She wanted him to know how she felt about him. She wanted to see if she could read the same in his eyes.

“I think you know what I’m thinking,” he said as she rose up and down on him. It was a slow motion picture in her mind. The talking and the making of love.

What started out fast was turning into more.

It seemed to be the story for them. It always turned into more than they thought or planned.

In a good way for once in her life.

“Maybe I do,” she said, her hand moving up his chest. “But it’s better to hear it.”

He reached up and put his hand behind her head, fisted his fingers in her hair and pulled her down, his mouth crushing hers. “Why do I have to be the first one to say it if we both know?” he asked.

He was bucking up into her. She was having a hard time concentrating on anything other than what her body wanted.

The conversation was lost at the moment.

It felt like he might have been thinking the same thing because he was kissing her harder than ever before. Maybe he was trying to show her what he was feeling rather than saying it.

She’d do the same because when their bodies met, it was all that was needed.

The faster their hips moved, the more demanding their kiss became.

Was it possible neither of them really could say the words? She knew she’d never said that before to another man.

Before she had a chance to think another thought, she was rolled onto her back, her hands pinned over her head, Phoenix still inside her but not moving.

“Tell me,” he said. “Say what I want you to.”

“You tell me,” she said softly.

“What are we both afraid to say?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Why don’t we just whisper it to each other?”

He slid down her body, his chest to hers, his mouth barely touching her lips, her hands trapped over her head. “You know I love you,” he said so softly she barely heard. “Just say it back.”

“I love you too,” she whispered.

His mouth landed on hers and the two of them shared what they always did. Their bodies controlled the rest of their time together until they were both moaning during their release, him flopping down on top of her and rolling so she was on his chest again.

“That was intense,” he said.

“Do you mean it?” she asked. “What you said.”

He laughed. “As much as you mean it.”

A roundabout way to put it back on her. “Why is this so hard for us?”

“It’s going to get easier,” he said. “I think it’s the way it started for us. Once Elsie knows today, I’m hoping you and I won’t feel so insecure.”

“I thought I was the only one insecure,” she said, leaning up on her arm.

“No,” he said. “You aren’t alone. I’m glad we are doing this. Are you?”

“Yes,” she said. “I will say that it helps with those feelings of insecurity. If Elsie knows, then it’s like it can’t go away.”

“It’s not going anywhere,” he said, giving her a quick kiss. “But we need to get cleaned up and get her.”

“True,” she said. She wished they could have stayed there longer but knew they were on the clock.

They both cleaned up and left, drove to get Elsie and waited in line for the little girl to be brought to his car.

“Hi, Uncle Nix,” Elsie said, climbing in. “I didn’t know you were getting me. I’ve got lots of cards and candy.”

“You do,” he said. “Maybe you can have some after dinner. You remember we’re going to dinner now, right? Are you hungry?”

“Starving,” Elsie said. “I want a burger. A big one with bacon. Can I get that?”

Crystal turned to look at Phoenix. “I think that sounds yummy,” she said. “I might get one too.”

When the three of them were seated in the restaurant, drinks and food ordered, he turned to Elsie. “Remember how Mommy had a special friend named Nora?”

“Yes,” Elsie said. “That was Mommy’s girlfriend. She lived with us.”

“That’s right,” he said. “And you know that two people who love each other sometimes live together.”

Elsie looked back and forth between Crystal and him. “Do you and Crystal love each other? You live together.”

Why hadn’t she thought it might be this simple?

“We do love each other,” he said.

“But you don’t kiss like Mom and Nora did,” Elsie said. “Why?”

She looked at Elsie. “Maybe we didn’t want you to be upset. Would you be if we did that?”

“No,” Elsie said. “But will you still be my nanny?”

The little girl was frowning. “Yes,” she said. “I’m still your nanny, but I’m also Uncle Nix’s girlfriend. I can be more than one thing to you.”

“Just like Uncle Nix is my uncle and can be my father?”

Crystal felt her eyes fill when Elsie said that. Phoenix looked as if he was going to shed a tear too. “Yes,” he said. “I’ll always be your Uncle Nix, but I’d like to be your father too. You can call me anything you want.”

“Really?” Elsie asked. “I’ve never had a father, but I’ve always had you.”

“You’ve always had me and you always will,” he said. “Remember that.”

Elsie had been sitting next to her in the booth but got up and moved across to sit next to Phoenix and hug him. “I love you, Uncle Nix.”

“I love you too, Elsie.”

“I love you, Crystal,” Elsie said. The little girl moved back next to her for a hug.

“I love you, Elsie. Don’t forget that either. Nothing changes here. Maybe it just continues to get better.”

“Maybe,” Elsie said. “Just like a family.”

“That’s right,” Phoenix said. “Just like a family.”

Crystal looked at her boyfriend and her boss and realized that “boss” was way down on the list. She had what she’d always wished for and hoped she was able to keep it.