24. Fear Of Messing Up

24

FEAR OF MESSING UP

C rystal was putting lunch on the island when Phoenix walked in the door.

“Did you want a nooner?” she asked, grinning. “After we eat? The food is warm right now.”

She’d made soup and grilled cheese.

“No,” he said. “I mean, I’d never turn one down, but that isn’t why I came home. I wanted to talk to you without Elsie being around and didn’t want to wait until tonight.”

The smile fell from her face. Oh man, she messed up. She knew it.

He was going to tell her that this was a mistake. She should have never settled in and thought things were going so well. That’s when everything hit the fan and spread like a stinky failure in her life.

Then she took a calming breath. Maybe she was reading more into it.

That had to be it. He’d said he wouldn’t turn down sex, but maybe that was all he wanted even though he’d said otherwise.

“What’s going on?” she asked, forcing her voice to be as neutral as possible. She sat at the island and tried to eat, but the soup wasn’t going down her throat.

“Hey,” he said. “This isn’t about us. I can see it on your face. It’s work related, but I couldn’t say it at my office and wanted time to let you know that I’d have a few people here for a meeting tomorrow.”

“Oh,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I’m not sure why I always jump the gun that I’ve done something wrong. Probably because I have a habit of screwing things up.”

He took a big spoonful of his soup. “Not your cooking,” he said. “This is great. But you don’t screw anything up that I can see. I don’t know enough about your past and don’t care about it. Just like I’d hope you didn’t care much about mine. Because, trust me, I know what it’s like to have that fear of messing up.”

“You’re so successful. Nothing you do is wrong,” she said.

“It’s nice you think that,” he said, smirking, “but it’s far from the truth. Part of the reason I’m having the three people here tomorrow. Investors.”

“Investors,” she said. “That sounds exciting.”

“Yes and no,” he said. He took a bite of his sandwich, the cheese pulling away, and she held back the giggle at how funny it looked to her.

Here was this successful man who owned his own company recycling plastics into adventure and activity bags and he was breaking cheese off with his finger and laughing.

Guess it just went to show her that looks were pretty deceiving.

“Seems like you’ve got it all together to me,” she said. “I mean, I know life has taken a few turns with Elsie, but that’s personal and not professional.”

“Would it surprise you to learn that my personal life might be the only thing I’m feeling somewhat confident about right now?”

“Really?” she asked softly.

“Yes,” he said. “Don’t doubt us. I don’t want you to think or feel that. If I have a lot on my mind or am stressed, it’s work.”

“I know you’re struggling with getting things made on time,” she said. “And you want to expand.”

“There are a lot of things I want to do and can’t. Money is a big issue. I’ve probably wasted money or lost it because I did things wrong. I’m having this conversation with you as my girlfriend, not as my employee.”

He hadn’t called her his girlfriend before and she felt her heart start to race.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“I got a call from another retailer to put the bags into a large chain.”

“That’s wonderful,” she said.

“It is, but the manufacturer I use isn’t reliable enough and not big enough to fulfill this order if he was. The one I want to use needs a large amount down. I don’t have that kind of cash. It puts me in a bind. But I also need to make sure I pick the right manufacturer too. I can’t mess this up. It’s too big.”

She reached her hand over and put it on his. “I’ve felt that way about so much in my life. Maybe not to the extent you are.”

“It’s not a comparison or a race,” he said. “You understand the feeling well. My father suggested I reach out to my cousin for advice. Advice is turning into an investment in my company. It’s hard for me to ask for help.”

She knew that about him. She’d seen it in the short time she’d worked for him.

He hated to have her do more than what he thought she was hired for and then worried she’d be overworked.

Even with the help with Maryn’s house and getting it ready for sale, he didn’t want her to do it and she offered.

“I know,” she said. “I’m the same way. Not that my parents would help me, but I wouldn’t even ask my siblings. We haven’t talked about this much. I think I haven’t wanted to say anything because I’m embarrassed. I just never seem to be able to see anything through. I didn’t finish college because it wasn’t for me. I’ve had so many dead-end jobs that I could easily walk away from. Most times I didn’t care enough if I showed up or got laid off. I mean I worked, but I always knew there’d be another dead-end job to replace that one.”

He frowned. “Do you feel that way now?”

“No,” she rushed out to say. “That is why I never said it before. I did the whole fake it until you make it thing when I interviewed. I love what I do now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if it’s real. I hate to say this, but I never thought I’d be a homemaker. My mother hated it. She never did anything either. I resented having to do so much as a kid and being the last one in the house. Yet here, I can’t imagine doing anything else.”

Maybe it had to do with the house she was in and the people around her more than anything else.

“Not to diminish anything you do or what any stay-at-home wife or mother or even father does. It’s not easy. I know it. You’re doing a great job. I don’t want to insult you and say you’re a natural, but you do and find things and get Elsie to talk to you more than I can and I’ve been in her life from day one.”

“That is such a sweet thing to say,” she said. “It just feels as if it comes naturally to me. Maybe not having the stress of it being my child or my income or my house helps. I’m not sure. I just do what I do daily because I want to, not because it’s expected. I mean, it’s my job but isn’t at the same time.”

“I understand,” he said. “Surprisingly, I do. You’re taking pride in it. Just like when you were in the daycare, your interactions with the kids were sincere because it wasn’t an obligation but something you enjoyed.”

“That’s it,” she said. “Just like I enjoy it when you ask me some fashion questions. Not that I’m some fashionista, but I know what I like.”

“And you’ve got good taste and suggestions. Back to my cousin tomorrow. Three cousins actually. I need to tell you who they are. You are going to recognize one of them. At least by name, is my guess, if not by sight.”

“Do you have a celebrity cousin?” she asked. “That’s so exciting. I mean if I did I wouldn’t tell anyone either. I wouldn’t want anyone asking me questions about them. Celebrity status aside, everyone is entitled to their privacy.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that,” he said. “That is part of it. The other is I’ve never wanted those comparisons. Even if a deal goes through, I won’t be letting anyone know West and I are related.”

She frowned. “West?”

“Remember how I said my father has a sister with eight kids?”

“Yes,” she said.

“My aunt’s name is Aileen Carlisle. West Carlisle’s mother. My first cousin. He’s coming tomorrow with his brother, Braylon, who is an attorney, and his sister, Laken, who is Vice President of Acquisitions.”

“The billionaire, West Carlisle? That’s your cousin?”

“Yeah,” he said, going back to his sandwich.

“Wow, talk about exciting. I can understand why you wouldn’t want anyone to know.”

“Yes,” he said. “We’re meeting here at the house.”

“I’ll stay out of the way,” she said. “No worries.”

“It’s not that. I thought you might recognize them and wanted you to know. I’m not keeping it from you. I mean, not on purpose. But if things go well, then you’ll be hearing the name more. I can trust you not to say anything, right?”

“Of course,” she said, getting up and giving him a hug and kiss. “I’d never say a word and I find the whole thing so exciting for you. I can feel how great it’s going to be. Not that I understand much of it, but I do get it.”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up. I know he’s going to want to change things.”

“And change is hard, but change isn’t bad either. Remember that. I’m learning it,” she said.

“You’re right,” he said. “It’s not bad at all.” He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer to him. “After lunch maybe we can get that nooner too.”

“Now that is what I’m talking about.”