Chapter 1

Paxton

How were there never any normal questions from anyone in the entire town?

"I'm…I don't know?" I wasn't even sure what the question meant, much less how to answer it.

The old man sighed and looked at me almost sadly, like he thought I was stupid. Some people said I was too cute to be a scientist but no one had ever said I looked like an idiot.

But this one was shaking his head.

" What flavor of little are you ?" Enunciating the words slowly, he kept going with the strange topic. "We just need to know your category so we can make sure we match you up right."

I knew we weren't talking about work and I knew he wasn't taking my lunch order, but that was all I could narrow it down by.

Was he senile?

Half the diner was staring at us like they were waiting for my answer, so to me, that said they thought he was still fully functioning.

But how was that possible?

"Do you have a list I can choose from?" I wasn't sure if I was being smart or rude, but my question had him freezing in place.

Was I supposed to apologize?

After a few seconds, he came back to life and turned to the rest of the room. "He's new. He doesn't know where to start. We should've realized that."

Oh.

That sounded dangerous.

I'd somehow made it worse.

I'd traveled all over the world. I'd eaten insects and bugs in strange places. I could explain US politics to a variety of cultures and have it make sense.

But I had no idea what the people in a small town in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina were doing.

Maybe the reason they had such unique flora and fauna was because the water was poisoned?

Too many toxins in the water could explain a lot.

Right?

"He's not educated like our Kenzie or Lorne." The old man continued to shake his head. "He doesn't even read those educational dirty books like Stefan."

There were educational dirty books?

No, that wasn't what I was supposed to be paying attention to.

It was what caught their attention, though. Half the room started shaking their heads and most of them kept shooting looks of pity my way.

Not sure how I'd ended up in this situation when I'd just been looking for lunch and to ask about the local insect population, I watched the strange scene unfolding in front of me. There were a few people who didn't seem to notice or care about what was going on but everyone else was riveted.

It was like that Amazon trip all over again.

But that'd made more sense.

"Where do we start?" Another older man with a woman who seemed to be his wife or partner frowned and crossed his arms, but he seemed to be taking the situation as a challenge if I was reading his body language right. "If he's this confused, we can't just send him to the library to get books on the subject. He won't even know where to begin."

Well, he wasn't wrong about that assumption, so I wasn't surprised when everyone else started nodding along and giving me more confusing expressions.

Old man number one turned back to me. "Well, we're going to help you figure this out. Don't worry."

How was I supposed to respond to that?

"Thank you?" I'd clearly made him happy based on his smile and the way he reached out to pat my head, but I still didn't know what was going on.

The man was very confident, though. He glanced around the room and chuckled. "He's so polite, just like the rest of them."

Okay, so I was doing something right.

Something cute, maybe?

Politeness was definitely a good thing, so I filed away that knowledge and decided not to leave my notebooks in my car ever again.

"I—" I wasn't sure what I'd been going to say, but my ramblings were cut off by the owner or cook coming out of the kitchen with my lunch.

"Here you go." She frowned at the room and gave them a stern glare that had half the patrons squirming. "Let me know if you're being bothered."

I wasn't sure what it meant that she was ignoring the first old man who'd seemed to be trying to be helpful, but since explaining that I wasn't sure what was going on would only make me look stupid, I smiled. "Thank you, ma'am. I'm fine."

That had several people making aw sounds like I was an adorable toddler, but it made no sense at all. The only thing I could connect it to was the politeness comment from a moment ago, but there was nothing else to go on.

Why hadn't I at least taken a few more classes in cultural anthropology?

Classes on flowers and insects weren't helping me at the moment.

"He got tomato soup and grilled cheese. See?" The old man was smiling as he shook his head. "I told you."

Was this somehow food related?

I'd run into strange food rituals in a variety of places but this didn't seem to be about the horror of putting ketchup on eggs or asking for the wrong kind of sauce for barbecue in the South.

Several people in the small diner chuckled and nodded along with him, so something about the situation was clearly an accepted cultural norm. No one looked offended, though. I hadn't insulted a local ruler or deity. I hadn't ordered something taboo or just weird. They were still giving off he's cute vibes.

That was good…but it was also confusing.

Glancing down at the food, which actually looked like it should've been in a five-star restaurant, I was impressed with the quality of the bread and the soup was clearly homemade. They'd been paired together on the menu, so that told me the combination wasn't what stood out to the locals.

Most of the menu was comfort foods and classic diner dishes, but I was missing something important even though none of it made any sense.

Should I have ordered breakfast for lunch instead?

Maybe soups were only eaten at specific times of the day?

Why hadn't I taken more classes on studying humans instead of insects?

"It could be that older range one." The voice that called out seemed like they thought they were being helpful by the tone. "But then again, that's a meal Alick would enjoy. Oh, and Kenzie, except for the soup part."

So some people thought the combination wasn't good but some would approve?

Everyone else thought the information was relevant, but I wasn't sure how.

"You're right, and the internet said they were more easily confused because they're the invisible ones." Old man one shook his head and seemed sad about something. "They don't always understand what they are."

And the crowd was back to looking at me.

Hmm.

I wasn't sure what the social rules on etiquette were anymore, so I just mentally tuned them all out and smiled as I started eating.

They didn't seem to need my input anyway, so I wasn't surprised when they started up again.

They nodded.

They sighed.

They said weird stuff.

"I didn't think that part was true but look at the bug guy here." One of the now familiar-sounding voices seemed shocked that I was confused, but I had a feeling we weren't on the same page about anything. "He doesn't know."

A wave of nods went around the room again, but I stayed focused on my food because it was delicious.

"We need to come up with a test or a list for him to work through." Somehow the voice made it sound like they were moving in a more scientific direction. Part of me wanted to say that was good but it just made me nervous.

I wasn't used to being the bug under the microscope.

"They like lists. Lorne said so." And we were back to being weird without any scientific basis.

Lorne was also starting to make me nervous because the strange people around me seemed to think he was normal too.

"But he almost killed Alick's Daddy, so maybe we should be careful with what he says?" There was finally a voice of reason but my hopes didn't last long. "But that man is cranky, so maybe Lorne had a point? He's kinda holding a grudge."

Were they talking about killing in a metaphorical sense?

Please let it be in a metaphorical sense.

"Good point." My excitable friend, old man number one, who still wasn't making any sense, looked back down at me. "What do you think about lists?"

Oh.

I needed a distraction.

"I like lists." More. I needed something more. "Could you find me a couple to pick from?"

His eyes went wide, and for a second, I started to think I should be planning how to panic, but then he smiled. "That's a great idea. We'll find several for you to pick from."

I'd bought myself some time, but it wasn't helping me to get more information.

"You know, he might be the tail kind, or oh, one of those horse people."

Did they race?

Were there ranches in the area?

Neither of those felt right based on the mountainous region we were in but everyone around me started nodding like it was brilliant.

Maybe English was their third language?

Fourth?

Some of the confusion might be translation errors.

Really smart people sometimes did odd things. My own intelligence was just slightly above average but it was possible they were from some kind of genius compound?

Was there a think tank nearby?

"Did we finish figuring out what the horse people did?" The strange question coming from the back of the diner didn't give me confidence in the genius hypothesis.

The man still standing beside me shrugged. "Run around in circles and orgasm, evidently."

What?

I.

They.

Nope.

I wasn't going to ask.

Going back to my lunch, I decided it might be time to change the subject. If they wanted to be helpful, I needed to give them a more appropriate topic.

"On another note, would you happen to know a local trail guide who could take me on a few hikes?" My question worked, but they were back to staring at me weirdly. "I've normally got a very good sense of direction, but your area is throwing me off."

Maybe whatever had killed their brains was messing with mine?

Could it be an airborne pathogen?

No. They'd have made more sense if I'd been infected too.

Hopefully.

I'd never had so many problems keeping track of where I was, but every time I turned around, I was struggling. Even GPS didn't help. I'd started to think that once I found my beetles I should talk with someone else to figure out why electronics in the area worked so strangely. It was like living through one of those Ancient Aliens episodes about ley lines and magnetic grids.

The only problem was that I didn't believe in those.

"I'm sure you have locals who know the area well." More stares. How was this topic weirder to them than whatever we'd been talking about before? "Um, hunters? Preppers? Hippies? Local ecologists?"

Did the US still have hippies?

"Oh, van lifers? They seem very focused on exploring places they shouldn't be driving." I was back to grasping for more examples when the front door of the diner was opened so hard it nearly bounced back closed and a very frustrated-looking police officer burst through the door.

"What the hell did I tell you?" Glaring at the now guilty-looking customers, his frown deepened. "You were supposed to behave for a couple of hours so Lorne could get arrested and ravished in peace and fucking quiet. Why have I gotten so many text messages?"

Oh.

He wasn't making any more sense than the rest of them, but it seemed like someone had tattled on the confused old men.

Hands started pointing everywhere and no one seemed to want to take the blame, which just made the police officer even more insane. His glare got deeper and he started scrubbing his hands over his face.

"What have you guys done to the bug doctor and why have I gotten so many fucking texts?" He crossed his arms over his chest and waited. "Once Lorne's done, I'll haul you all in for disturbing my peace."

He was interesting.

Was Lorne in jail being ravished?

It sounded consensual from the way it was being phrased, but I hadn't thought anyone could arrange to live out that fantasy in person.

"Um." Raising my hand since no one else seemed to be inclined to make sense, I cleared my throat. "I think I'm the bug doctor in question."

The police officer stopped frowning but cocked his head. "You're not the exterminator."

Oh.

Were exterminators considered to be doctors if they just killed the bugs?

"No. I…I'm an entomologist. A real bug doctor." It wasn't how I normally explained what I did, but it would work. "I'm not sure why everyone is very curious and asking interesting questions, but I don't understand any of it. Oh, and you wouldn't happen to know a local guide who could help me in the forest?"

I thought it was a reasonable request but the police officer rolled his eyes. "For fuck's sake, fix the forest, guys. This is ridiculous. We're going to end up with more fucked-up reviews."

Hmm.

"That's what brought me here. Do you know you seem to have a fascinating new species of beetles?" The way he rolled his eyes said he had not been aware of that information.

For whatever reason, that broke the dam on the confused old men and they all started talking at once.

"He doesn't know what kind of little he is."

"Don't forget the ponies, but we don't understand why people want to go in circles."

"Do you think he's that middle one? He had grilled cheese for lunch."

I tuned them out as they just kept going and focused on the police officer, who was still shaking his head. "Do you see my problem?"

I was hoping someone did because I hadn't found my beetles yet…or finished my lunch…or figured out what horses and food had in common…besides orgasms.