Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Holden

I stare into the fire, wondering what I’ve just done. Kissing Jenna felt inevitable, like something that had been simmering under the surface for years, just waiting for the right moment to explode. And I don’t regret it—not a second of it—but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve made everything more complicated.

I’m finally kissing her after a long time, not sure I’ll ever want to stop. But I know I probably should. She deserves someone who can offer her a steady life, a future without the shadows that follow me around.

To clear my head, I find myself drifting to the kitchen, busying my hands with anything I can find. Jenna’s just made us sandwiches, but I need to be away from her, if only for a few minutes, to collect myself.

I stare into the reflection in the window above the sink, telling myself that she deserves better. She’s been through so much already; the last thing she needs is someone like me, someone haunted by the things he’s done and seen. The ghosts don’t leave, and I don’t want to drag her into that darkness.

The room feels stifling, every moment heavier than the last. Eventually, I get up and return to the living room, leaning against the window, watching the snow pile higher, waiting for the storm to end so I can take her back and do what I came here to do—help her with her delivery and walk away.

As I stand there, I feel her eyes on me. I glance back, catching her gaze as she curls up in an armchair, covered in a blanket. My heart pounds, everything in me screaming that I should keep my distance, but she’s right there, close enough to reach, and it’s enough to drive me out of my mind. I stretch out on the couch, eyes fixed on the ceiling, trying to imagine what life would be like if things were different. If I could give her more than just a broken past.

I drift off, my mind slipping into memories and darkness.

Suddenly, I’m back in the desert, hiding behind a rock as gunfire rains down around me. I can smell the smoke, feel the sting of sand in my eyes, the terror clenching my gut as explosions rock the ground. We’ve been fighting insurgents for hours.

Three of my closest friends are already gone, and I’ve lost count of the others. I peer over the rock and raise my weapon, watching as the enemy approaches. I fire, and as they fall, a wave of nausea rises in me, the same sick feeling I get every time I pull the trigger.

Then there’s a brief lull, and that’s when it happens. My best friend steps forward, and the ground beneath him explodes. The sound of it reverberates in my ears, drowning out everything else as I’m blown backward, my vision fading to black.

I wake with a strangled gasp, sitting up, my heart pounding. Sweat coats my skin, and for a moment, I’m still caught in the nightmare, the horror fresh in my mind. Then I see Jenna rushing toward me, her face etched with worry, and I remember where I am.

“What is it? Are you okay?” she asks, her voice gentle, pulling me back to reality.

“Yeah,” I manage, my voice hoarse. “Just . . . a bad dream.” I run a hand through my hair, trying to steady myself, to shake off the lingering dread.

She wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. The warmth of her touch, her presence—it’s everything I didn’t realize I needed. She presses a gentle kiss to my cheek, and I feel myself lean into her, letting her kindness wash over me, grounding me.

“It’s okay, Holden,” she murmurs, her voice soft, soothing. “It was just a dream. You’re here with me. You’re safe.” She reaches up, her fingers tracing my jaw, her thumb brushing my cheek.

In that moment, my last shred of self-control snaps. I can’t keep pretending I don’t need her, that I don’t want her. I pull her to me, capturing her lips in a fierce, hungry kiss. Every ounce of longing, every regret, every feeling I’ve bottled up for years pours out, and I know I shouldn’t be doing this. But right now, I need her more than I need air.

I pull back, searching her face, feeling the desperation simmering just beneath the surface. “I want us to get past all of this. I want to trust again. I need you, Jenna. I need you more than anything.”

Her eyes shimmer, and she nods, her hands moving up to cup my face as her lips find mine again. The kiss deepens, and before I know it, we’re lost in each other, our bodies entangled as we let go of everything but this moment.

My hands trace down her sides, feeling the softness of her skin beneath my fingers as I pull her closer. Clothes fall away piece by piece, leaving nothing between us but the warmth of her skin, the heat that’s been building between us since that first kiss.

I trail kisses down her neck, savoring every inch of her, the way she arches against me, her soft moans urging me on. I press her back against the couch, my hand slipping down to touch her, feeling the way she trembles beneath my touch. Her breaths come faster, her body responding to every movement as I bring her closer and closer to the edge.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” she breathes, her voice soft yet thick with need. Her fingers trace the edge of my jaw, guiding me closer until our foreheads touch, breaths mingling in the space between us. Her words ignite something primal, something I’ve barely kept restrained, and I can feel her heart racing in sync with mine.

I reach over, my hand trembling slightly as I grab the condom from my pants, tearing the wrapper open. She watches, her gaze intent and hungry, as I roll it on, the sensation grounding me, reminding me of the moment we’re finally in. Her eyes flicker back to mine, lips parted, waiting.

As I lower myself over her, I press a lingering kiss to her collarbone, tasting her skin, and feel the tension in her body as she arches toward me, craving more. My mouth finds the sensitive spot beneath her ear, and she shivers, her hands gripping my shoulders, fingers digging in as if she’s afraid I might disappear.

Slowly, I press into her, a deliberate, steady rhythm that lets us both feel everything, no rush, just the excruciating pleasure of finally being this close. Her legs wrap around me, pulling me deeper, and I sink into her warmth, her whispers of my name wrapping around me just as tightly. Every movement is measured, drawn out, a savoring of the moment we’ve both waited for, as I lose myself in her completely.

“You feel so perfect,” I murmur, pressing my lips to her neck, my voice thick with emotion. “I was an idiot back then, Jenna. I should’ve. . . I should’ve told you.”

“The past is behind us,” she whispers, her hands gripping my shoulders as I move faster, deeper. “What matters is right here. Right now.”

We lose ourselves in each other, every touch, every kiss, every whispered word igniting something I thought I’d lost. And when she reaches her climax, her body tight around me, it sends me spiraling over the edge, the intensity crashing over me as I hold her close, our breaths mingling, our bodies spent.

Afterward, I lie beside her, pulling her into my arms, unwilling to let go. Her head rests against my chest, and I feel her heartbeat slowly steadying, matching mine. I press a soft kiss to her forehead, holding her close, feeling something I haven’t felt in years—a sense of peace, of belonging.

“You’re amazing, Jenna,” I whisper, my voice filled with a tenderness I haven’t let myself feel in a long time.

I brush a stray hair from her face, marveling at how she looks in the glow of the firelight—her skin warm, her gaze softened with something that feels dangerously close to hope. She leans into my touch, closing her eyes, and for a moment, I let myself believe that maybe this is real. Maybe I can be the person she deserves.

“So are you, Holden,” she murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper, like it’s a secret meant only for the two of us. She runs her fingers along my jaw, her touch gentle but grounding, tethering me to this moment, to her.

My hand settles on the small of her back, feeling the rise and fall of her breaths against me, matching the quiet rhythm of my own. I realize, as I hold her, that I’d do anything to protect this—to protect her. To earn her trust, to show her that I’m not the same man who walked away all those years ago. I want to be someone she can rely on, someone who can make up for all the mistakes I’ve made.

“Jenna . . .” I start, my voice thick with all the things I’ve kept buried for years. “I know I don’t deserve this. I know I’ve hurt you, and I’ll never be able to take that back. But I want you to know . . . I’m here. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She looks up at me, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and the vulnerability in her expression takes my breath away. She opens her mouth to speak, but instead, she just pulls me down into another kiss, her lips soft and full of promise. In that kiss, I feel everything—her forgiveness, her hope, and something else, something I’m almost afraid to name.

“Holden,” she whispers as we break apart, her forehead resting against mine. “I’m willing to try. To see if we can make this work, if you’re really ready to leave the past behind.”

“I am,” I say, my voice steady. “More than anything, princess.”

A gentle smile tugs at her lips, and she snuggles closer, her body warm and familiar against mine. We lie there in silence, watching the fire dance, letting its warmth fill the room as the storm rages outside. For once, the storm between us has calmed, leaving a quiet peace I’d never thought I’d find.

And as I hold her, I realize that maybe—just maybe—I’ve found my way back home.